The Fowler Five

Always Listening

2012-01-29T23:03:00.000-06:00

It is hard to make it through our 2pm church service each week with 3 kids who really aren't used to being quiet. So we have a church bag with quiet things they can do and play with in order to make it through the service.

Before I had kids, I had quite lofty expectations for them. I really didn't want my kids to have to be entertained during preaching. I wanted them to want to listen, but my expectations were quickly thrown out the window. They are kids after all and in order to survive we've created the church bag.

At first the kids depended on coloring or drawing or doing word finds to make it through the services without causing too much of a ruckus. I haven't really pushed them to listen more or anything, but I have seen them slowly maturing and wanting to listen to what Pastor is saying. Let me take a moment here to say I am so grateful for great teenagers in our church that love our kids and that our kids look up to. Alissa, my girls talk about you non-stop and they love you and want to be just like you. :) I think that is part of the reason they want to sit in their chairs and want to pay attention and look things up in their Bibles as Pastor is preaching and aren't really interested in being otherwise entertained. It would make sense that I see H wanting to pay attention more than the younger two, but the others will soon follow. It makes my heart smile to see her wanting to get in and follow others as they follow Jesus. I know they need people to look up to, besides us, and I am so glad they have some good role models to follow.

D is totally obsessed with paper, so his current mode of entertainment is drawing, tearing, makings all sorts of things out of paper. But it certainly doesn't mean he isn't listening during service. Last week after service he told me he was going to have a good attitude because bad attitudes come from the devil. (Thank you Bro Lowry!!) So even if it seems like he is fiddling, I am glad that God is speaking to him right where he is at and it isn't all too mature for him.

Last Sunday K decided she would go to staff prayer with me. The verse Silvestre chose to speak on was Romans 8:37 which says we are more than conquerors. The song she has fallen in love with on our scripture memory CD is that one. The smile on her face was huge when she turned her head around at me to let me know he was talking about her song. It is so awesome to see them making connections between what we are teaching and learning at home with what they are hearing at church. It supports the things we are teaching them and they are so proud when they are learning something we have already been talking about at home.

And while this post is a little random and has a bunch of things about the kids thrown in I should share about the little friendly competition we have going on between H & D. Let me explain that H is my reading and writing child that could care less about math and D is just the opposite. Loves memorizing math facts. So since H (read first born, competitive) needed some encouragement to work on memorizing her addition facts and D knew them better than her, we set up a little flashcard war and so far it is working great. The only downside is that D gets upset when he isn't winning, but we keep trying to remind him that he is grade behind her and is supposed to be losing. But he sure is giving her a run for her money. The flashcards I had to beg H to work with me have become something fun for her, so now she asks to practice them and I am so thrilled! Not because I am a nerd (although I too love a little competition and I do love math) but because she is motivated to work on something that isn't her strong suite but that she can conquer if she puts her mind to it.

So there's my update for the past couple of weeks. We have had the kids 15 weeks and will be contacting our adoption attorney here in the next couple of weeks to start that paperwork rolling. We are getting there. Please be praying for the kids. We are changing some middle names to family names and changing their last name and we really want them to be okay with that. We've discussed it and it depends on the day if they like it, don't care, or are against it. I know it can be really confusing to kids, but we really want them to know they are a part of us forever and it will never change. And they need to know that their birth parents will always be a part of who they are. We encourage them to be honest about how they feel about them and we don't scold them for sharing. That is a part of their history and we love them enough to not make them hide it or feel ashamed. It's a very weird place to be for us and them, so prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Worship at Home

2012-01-15T22:16:00.000-06:00

If you know me, you know I am a worshiper through and through and love to worship. In my free time (ha!ha!) I love to just sit at my piano and sing and/or write worship songs to my Daddy God. I truly believe that learning to worship in song and otherwise is such an important part of learning to love Jesus. Worship also changes my perspective and overall puts me in a good mood. We actually enjoy car rides with the kids because the worship music (theirs or mine) chills them out.

So this past week we added a little worship time to our nightly Bible reading/prayer time. And I love it. At first it was hard to find songs we all know, since they aren't in adult church service with us. But we have found two that we are singing every night. They request it. Just a little time to sing songs to Jesus and show him we love him. Right now we are singing "Oh, How I Love Jesus" and "Lord I Lift Your Name On High." I love the sound of the voices of our family, singing to Jesus, in our nightly time of worship at home.

12 Weeks

2012-01-08T22:25:00.000-06:00

That's how long I've been a mom. It seems like it was just yesterday we were driving to the airport to pick up our kiddos for permanent adoptive placement in our home. And then again it seems like we've had them forever.

This past week we got their new medicaid cards and on them is listed their new last name, Fowler. It's so surreal! I will be so glad when the adoption is over and their names will officially be changed to Fowler. Right now I have all the official stuff with their biological last name and the informal stuff as Fowler, just for ease for those who knew us before the kids. It just keeps things a little complicated always having to explain what is going on, or at least that's how I feel at every doctor's visit and official meeting about the kids.

So in about 3 months, I will be free to post names and pictures on my blog. I am really excited to be at this place and am so grateful!! And these three months are the busiest of my year at work, so I'm sure I'll wake up and we will be to the official adoption court proceedings, also known as "Gotcha Day."

For those of you whom I don't know and am not friends with on facebook, you will be amazed to see how much our kids fit with us and I am ready to show the world my family of 5. So ready for all this to be out in the open. It's hard not being able to brag on my kids like I want to. :)

And just as a way of general update, I was able to get 3 pages scrap-booked this weekend and it feels great. One week at a time, I will eventually get caught up, I hope. Saturday was very productive for me. I had a long list of things to do and got all of them done. I love marking things off of my list. I just have a better week when my weekend has been productive.

Transition

2012-01-07T22:23:00.000-06:00

I don't expect this will be a long post or something of great depth, but I just wanted to take a moment and document some of the things my kids have been saying and doing lately. The transition has been difficult as I am sure you can imagine.

The other day D said something about us being foster parents and I had to correct them. Poor baby, he's been moved around so much he doesn't have a clue what is going on. I keep telling them we are their forever parents, and I think they understand that most of the times, but this is a transition like no other before, so I'm sure it's confusing. Anyways, lately, I've been feeling like our kids finally get it. Or at least have moments where it all sinks in.

K told me today she wished she came to our house first and skipped all the other foster parents. Baby, I am sorry you had to get moved around some too, but you aren't going anywhere else, so you don't need to worry.

I have been having to discipline H more lately because she has been quite sassy. (Hello! I have an almost 8 year old girl. Can I get an Amen?) It isn't rude or out of control like fits some of the younger ones have, but just little remarks that are totally disrespectful and I am not letting her get away with anymore. So she's had some crying moments as I've taken away her toys or jewelry or made her sit in time out. But almost immediately after, she is all hugs and lovin'. To me, that says she knows we are doing our best and she is safe here and not going anywhere. It's okay if we don't always agree, but that doesn't mean we love each other less. We are stuck together for good. I think it is harder for kids who have been moved around to get that than kids who've been in one constant home since birth. It took a little while for her to get there, but we are past her staying angry and pouty for so long after she is disciplined, or I think we are.

D sure does hate writing sentences. I mean hate it. And that lets me know it is the perfect discipline for him. Is it bad that I want him to hate his discipline? I guess I find some joy in knowing he isn't having fun while he is being disciplined. I mean, its supposed to teach him what he shouldn't do and not be a reward for him, right?

Tonight as I was putting D to bed he said he promised that tomorrow he would have a good attitude and be a good listener. That is definitely what I want to hear. Does my heart good! He really does want to do and say the right thing, and over time, I'm sure he'll break some of his bad attitude habits.

Until about 4 this afternoon, I hadn't seen my kids since yesterday morning when I took them to school. They spent last night at Nana and Papa's so BJ and I could go out for his birthday. Then today BJ and Nana and the kids went to Bops. So when they got home today, I could tell they missed me and it felt so good. Not because I think they didn't have fun, because I'm sure they did, but just because it lets me know I am loved. The three of them smothered me with hugs and kisses and D just wanted to sit by me and touch me and be hugged. I had so much going on today, but I have to admit I missed them too. Not the sassy mouths or the way they annoy each other to death, but the gentle requests or when they are being sweet to us or each other, which is quite a bit these days. I think the thing I missed the most today was the quiet songs they hum or sing as they are going about the house or playing. Maybe its something they made up, maybe its a real song with the words all messed up because of what they think the words are. I love the fact my kids love music. Just one of the ways we know they totally belong with us.

Train up a Child...

2012-01-04T22:38:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow it is back to work for me, but not before I post about a few things that have happened in the last couple of days that I don't want to forget.

I was raised in church and raised to love God and serve him, but so were a lot of other people who have since chosen different paths. And honestly, I don't know what made the difference. Besides God. So this whole parenting thing and raising my kids to love God has been a bit of a struggle. All I know to do is to be real with them and show and explain to them how we are choosing God first for our family. We talk about God at our home a lot and we are trying to teach our kids that loving God is the most important thing they will ever do. We do nightly Bible time and family prayer time in an attempt to show them it is important. But sometimes it feels like we are speaking to deaf ears. And I wonder if it is making any difference. So I've done a lot of praying, begging God that something we have said or a choice we have made has impacted our kids in some way. Praying that some day the Holy Spirit will make it all clear to them. That a light bulb will go off and they will have an "aha" moment. This week we had a couple of those moments.

Monday, January 2nd, we were on the way to the Psychiatrist and H started asking questions about one of the worship songs we were listening to in the car. She then asked how to ask Jesus in her heart. I went through the ABC's of salvation (thank you Missionettes) and tried to explain it as best as I could to her what it meant and what she needed to do. She said, "Mommy, can you help me." And as simple as that, I lead her in a prayer and she asked Jesus to come into her heart. It was so awesome! So awesome! So we talked a little more about having a relationship with Jesus every day and talking to him and reading his word. I am so glad I had the opportunity to do this with her. I have really not tried to push the issue with any of my kids because I don't want them to do what they think will make us happy or what is the "cool" thing to do, but I want them to make a decision on their own. Because then I pray it will stick and not just be a fleeting thing. I prayed this day would come, although honestly, I didn't think H would be the first, or that this day would come so quickly. We made a big deal of it and have told her how proud we are. She told her grandparents and teachers from church, and I'm pretty sure she understands how excited and proud we are of her decision and that this was a big deal and very important. I am determined to remember the date for her and celebrate her "spiritual birthday" with her every year as my mom has done with me. It is such a special thing for us as my mom was the one to lead me to Jesus also.

My second moment was sometime this week when they were all listening and singing to a kids worship dvd. I love when they do it. K always follows the movements and has such a fun time with it, probably more than the others. She is definitely my worshipper. Not that the others aren't, but she is always making up songs to Jesus about her day or whatever else is going on and I can just sense her love for Jesus when she is singing. It is just so sweet. A song came on and the kids on the video were singing with their eyes closed and hands raised, and K copied them. You should have seen the emotion on her face as she was worshiping Jesus. I loved it. Every. Second. So innocent and so pure and making momma and God so happy.

Tonight during our family prayer time, H asked if she could sing a song to Jesus for her prayer tonight. I said sure as long as she was being serious and was really singing to Jesus. She chose Jesus loves me. And I know God was pleased with her heart.

D is really into hurting the devil lately. I've shared before, I believe, that he can get pretty angry and upset when he feels he is being treated unfairly. Well today, he just about had it with the devil and was telling him off. There are several words that aren't allowed in our house that I let him use (hate, stupid, shut up) because he was giving the devil the what for and I just smiled. When he was done he told me everything was gonna be okay now because he took care of the devil and he won't bother us for a while. I loved it. A spiritual warrior already. He is also very compassionate and every night he will pray that God will help each of the kids by name with whatever they were dealing with that day. Not to be rude or point fingers, but just because he believes God can help and he wants them all to be at their best. I love his sweet heart. And I am believing right there with him for God to help them with their daily struggles.

So I really think we are getting there.

Tomorrow, the kids go back to school, so we are praying for a fresh start to finish off the year. They have really been very good over the holidays and are mostly looking forward to seeing their friends again. We've adjusted some of their meds and are all praying (D included) that this will help them to be able to control themselves better and be better listeners and students. We are expecting a good report tomorrow!

Full Circle

2011-12-31T21:25:00.000-06:00

I have never really been one to look back at previous blogs and reflect, but just for the fun of it, I looked back at my last blog of 2010 just to see what I was thinking and what was going on. In the end of that blog, which was quite random if I do say so myself, I reference a scripture that has been my verse over the past years as we have struggled with infertility and adoption.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

I usually study out of and speak out of the NIV, but another version has really grabbed my heart today. It reads as follows:

"The LORD your God is with you. He is like a powerful soldier. He will save you. He will show how much he loves you and how happy he is with you. He will laugh and be happy about you." Zephaniah 3:17 - ERV (Easy to Read Version)

A year ago, our lives were full of hopes but no concrete answers. And I needed to be reminded that God loved me because sometimes I felt like I had somehow failed him and was being punished accordingly. We felt like we were following where God was leading and yet, it seemed like we were getting no where. So I would go to this verse and read it again and again, trying to convince myself he was indeed proud of me and was working on our behalf. Trusting that he would continue to hold us during the time when we were so unsure as to what tomorrow held.

But now, only one year later, I can read this verse and smile. Knowing God knew what he was doing and He was indeed strong enough to take care of us and our situation and he did provide for us. He was working out all the details and now I know that he loves us so much and is happy with us and the sacrifices we have made and are making to raise these kids to love him and serve him. I was not foolish to believe God was leading us here and setting up the rest of our lives according to his perfect will for us.

So tonight, as we look forward to a new year and the future, we can stand assured knowing that God will be with us and will do what he promised and will bring us through the struggles in the waiting and into the fulfillment of his promises in our lives.

I expect 2012 to bring with it a new set of struggles and tests, but I am prepared to stand on God's unchanging word and live on my knees before my God who loves me and see what he has in store for us in the coming year.

Getting Back to Being Myself

2011-12-31T00:58:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here at the computer while the kids and hubby are sleeping and I'm uploading pics to snapfish so I can order prints and get back in my scrapbooking groove. And I'm loving it. It feels good to get back to being myself. No, I am not the same person I was 11 weeks ago when God saw fit to give us these three blessings, but I am starting to feel like I am back to normal. Yes, my free time is severely limited these days, but with the kids getting in a groove of sorts, I am pretty sure I can make some time to get some things scrapbooked and spend me time. And I'm excited about the possibility. The kids are getting into painting these large color pages we got them for Christmas, and between that and all the other things they now have to entertain themselves, I am hoping to get 1-2 pages scrapbooked every weekend until I get some things caught up. And if the kids want to use some of my stuff, and just be generally crafty, I am good with that. Have you seen the amount of paper I have accumulated? It is quite ridiculous if I do say so myself and I'm pretty sure D will gladly use some of it to create something, anything, he can dream up. I will probably alternate working on my sister's wedding scrapbook I promised her 3 years ago when she got married (ouch!) and some pages of our days with the kids so far. I know I am a few vacations behind, but if I can keep the kids stuff kinda current, I'm hoping to get to that older stuff some day. So I am ordering pictures of Jill's wedding and things we did with the kids so I'll have everything I need to be able to pick up and put down scrapbooking fairly easily, one page at a time.

And January is coming. January is probably my busiest month of the year at work with all of the year end payroll I am in charge of. I have ordered all the payroll forms and am actually excited to get into the meat of it and get it done. I love me some payroll. Really! I do! I love being in charge of something that I am good at and I love the nitty gritty details of everything. And I love the fact that no one else really loves it like I do so no one is threatening to take my payroll away. Obviously, I have been away from a busy work schedule for a while now and am just ready to get my hands dirty and get it done.

I really think the part time schedule, combined with the days I've taken off of work around the holidays has really done me some good. I haven't worked a 40 hour week in a while and I am ready to get back into it. One more week until all that starts though, since I am off until next Thursday with the kiddos. So next week will be filled with doctor's appointments and getting some thank you cards done as well as getting the kids back on a normal sleeping routine as we head into the second half of the school year. And maybe, just maybe, I can get the kids busy doing something and get some scrapbooking done.

It's good to be back!

Just Another Thursday Night

2011-12-29T22:38:00.000-06:00

The kids' therapist comes to our house every Thursday for their weekly sessions. For the most part I just let her do her job and she talks to each kid privately and is working them through some issues. I don't usually pry and trust that the therapist will tell us what we need to know and what we should help the kids with.

Tonight Mrs. T told me that the kids weren't at all prepared for adoption really and she feels like she needs to go back and start at the beginning. As we are well aware, the kids don't think their parents did anything wrong and they blame the judge and police officers for taking them away. Their perceptions are warped and their anger misplaced. Until they can get a more true understanding of the process and what actually did happen, they will never be able to move past the anger. She shared that at this point, most kids are angry at their parents and realize they did bad things to them and were unfit parents and are ready to leave them forever. But my kids are still holding on to the hope they will get to go back some day. I feel so bad for them that they weren't prepared for this and that we are not anywhere near where they should be in dealing with the past. But once again I see God's hand at work because now we will be the ones to help them through this. I am thankful for that because I think we will be able to have a special connection to our kids since we will be the ones holding their hands through this all and praying all along the way.

Mrs. T also said that she feels like their foster parents were more like foster grandparents. Just like grandparents love their grandchildren and it is not their job to discipline and move the kids forward, she feels that they nurtured our kids, but weren't really proactive in getting them the help they needed and working with them to move onto their future adoption.

With all that said, our kids really are doing well (or I think so) in adjusting to their new normal. Yes they have their moments and throw tantrums as times, threatening to go back and find their birth parents, but I really feel like they are connecting to us and are learning to respect and love us as their forever parents.

I love their therapist and trust her completely to do what she feels my kids need. She has given me a better understanding of what we need to be helping them with and praying them through as we move forward in the days ahead. And we are ready to help them move forward and will be praying for God to help them through this process of healing.

First Christmas Fears

2011-12-23T23:03:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow begins our first Christmas with the kids. We've had a few small things but tomorrow starts the major Christmas celebrations with the families. And I'm afraid I'm going to be so uptight I'll miss it all and will later wish I would have just chilled out and enjoyed making memories. Yeah I know I am way too hard on myself as a parent, and I expect some meltdowns, but I have a really hard time finding balance between being consistent with discipline and letting it slide. I rarely let anything slide because I am nothing if I am not consistent. But sometimes, it is so exhausting. Especially on special occasions when I feel like we are on display. I know everyone has been there before, but because this is the first Christmas, and I don't know what will and will not cause huge meltdowns, I am kinda dreading it.

And they already have enough Christmas for the year and we haven't even started the "big" Christmas celebrations. Why on earth did I feel I needed to buy them toys at all? Seriously. Between grandparents, and previous foster parents, and our adoption agency, they have plenty. And the fun is just beginning.

And I'm afraid they are going to be rude and unappreciative of everything.

And I hate the parent I am when they are being rude. I don't want to raise my voice, but I often find myself there. Why don't they hear me when I am talking normally to them? Some days I think their ears are broken. Seriously. And I get overwhelmed and angry with them. And then I am that mom. You know the one, yelling at her kids, frustrated, pulling her hair out, and nothing seems to be working. And I hate being that mom. Because no matter how rude they are to me, they are just crying out for love and testing boundaries. They told me to expect this but in the heat of the moment I am only angry and frustrated and just want them to listen and obey. And I forget they are adjusting to us just like we are adjusting to them.

I feel better now that I've gotten that all off my chest. It always feels good to vent your fears and frustrations, or for me it does.

So if you think of us in the next couple of days please pray that we, as parents, will know how to respond to our kids' antics and when to just let it go. And pray that our kids take a break from being rude if even for a few moments so we can be reminded of the sweet children God has given us and enjoy the moments. Cause I don't want to regret our first Christmas as a family of 5.

Joy to the World

2011-12-21T22:40:00.000-06:00

How many times have you sang a song, especially a Christmas song and not thought one bit about what you were singing? I am sure I do it all the time. We all do. We have sung the lyrics so many times and often the phrasing is a bit odd and archaic and we don't really think about it.

The third verse of Joy to the World has been going on over and over again in my head this week. Probably a verse most of us don't know as well as the others. Probably a verse our eyes have glossed over.

No more let sins and sorrows grow

nor thorns infest the ground:

he comes to make his blessings flow

far as the curse is found.

To me it speaks of moving past the way your life used to be and into God's best for you. We have to stop letting (allowing, giving permission) sin have a place in our lives. It controls whatever it touches. The devil is not happy to be second fiddle. He wants full control. Sin festers, it poisons, it steals from the place where God intended there to be victory and joy and it taints the soil of your heart. Sin is anything contrary to God's word, whether it's doing when God said not to or not doing when God said do. We all fall short in some way.

Jesus has come so we can move from the sin of our past and have blessings and not curses, freedom and not bondage. And He will keep pouring out blessing in every part of our lives the devil has tried to latch onto and control. There are a few verses of scripture this brings to mind for me.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.- We must not be ignorant that we are living in a world full of sin and that the wages or consequences of that sin is death. This is not a free for all, a time to do as you please with no consequence for your choices. There is a price to be paid for your sin. Because God is just and cannot let sin go unpunished. But if you accept Jesus' sacrifice, your debt has been paid for. And your gift from God is life. Full and wonderful life.

Romans 5:20 But where sin increased, grace increased all the more- Praise God! Even when it feels that we will never stop failing God and sin is overwhelming us, God's grace is being poured out into our lives more and more. So we can receive his blessings and overcome the curse of sin that is present around us in this world.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. But I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.- If you feel like you are being stolen from and someone is out to get you, it's because you are and someone is. And it's not God doing the stealing. God's plans are life and blessings and not curses and death. So we have to step away from the curses of sin and into the flow of blessings God is pouring into us.

The phrase that I keep singing over and over again is: He comes to make his blessings flow far as the curse is found.

In every step where the devil is trying to gain ground, God's pouring out blessings. Flowing like a river if we will just get in the stream. God is replacing every place of curses with blessing in our lives.

And that is where the joy comes from. Not from our good deeds or getting what we ask for, but from God who gives us more than we deserve because of his love. We can live in the flow of God's blessings and there we will find true joy.

Higher Ground

2011-12-10T22:21:00.000-06:00

This week I had this old hymn stuck in my head. I believe that God brings songs to us because we need them right where we are at, at that particular moment. As is normal for me, I pulled up the lyrics for all of the verses of this song and read them to allow God the opportunity to speak to me through them if he wanted to. The chorus is what keeps going on over and over in my head.

Lord life me up, and let me stand.
By grace on Heaven's table land.
A higher place than I have found.
Lord plant my feet on higher ground.

Higher - one step above where you currently are. Higher is relative to ones current position. What may be higher for you may not be higher for me. As Christians, we are not in competition with each other to see whom can be higher or closer to God. God is just calling us (or at least me) to be closer to him, one step higher, always striving to know God more and love him more. Until we reach heaven.

This all comes at a pretty good time as the new year is right around the corner. Every year we tend to make these high and lofty goals that are forgotten within a few days. Honestly, I haven't even made a New Year's Resolution in multiple years because I am tired of disappointing myself. But today I choose higher ground. Closer to the lover of my soul. Doing more tomorrow than I did today. Loving more fully.

And I can only keep this goal one day at a time and one moment at a time. Yes, I will fail, but as long as I keep moving forward, I am doing what God has asked of me. Moving higher.

Eyes Wide Open

2011-12-05T21:27:00.000-06:00

I am amazed at how much junk is being thrown at our kids day after day. My son can't go the McDonalds and assume the toys they give him are okay. The current toy for boys are Bakugans. I didn't know what these were and since they looked kinda creepy, we google searched for it. Apparently these little guys are bad news. I don't know what you let your kids play with and that is definitely your choice, but for my kids, we are not playing anything that has anything to do with demons and powers and all that garbage. My kids have been exposed to so much before coming to live with us that I have no control over. But what I can do is pay attention to the stuff that is being thrown at them so innocently now that they are here and under my watch.

The first time D brought home one of these little toys, we had to have a talk about how the devil is trying to trick us to think that things that are bad for us are good. And even though it looks like just a toy, the story behind it had to do with using the devil's power and we didn't want anything to do with that. It is the devil's job to deceive us and we have to be smarter than that. The final result was that I told him we were throwing it away. He didn't take it too well, but ultimately it was what I felt I needed to do. Today as soon as D got his toy he knew it was one of those Bakugans which we refer to as the "devil's friends." He really wanted to keep it, but by the time we were done eating his Happy Meal, he decided he didn't want any of the devil's friends, even if it meant he didn't get a toy and his sisters did. I was so proud of him for his decision and I told him that in the future, if he gets a toy that will not make God happy from a kids meal, if he would throw it away we would replace it with a toy from the dollar store. He was happy with that exchange and I am happy that he is realizing we are trying to protect him and not hurt him. Daddy told him how proud he was for the choice that he made. And I am pretty sure God is proud of him too.

I don't know what you believe about spiritual warfare, but let me tell you there is some serious spiritual battle going on for my kids at my house. We talk about it a lot with them. They are learning that the devil wants them to not listen and to disobey us and even to not want to talk to God every night during our family prayer time and if their choices are not pleasing to God, they are making the devil happy. This isn't just about what we want, there is always a spiritual battle going on that we may not see or realize. I think they are getting it. More often than not, they will ask me to pray for them and tell the devil to leave them alone in Jesus name and pray that Jesus will give them strength to make the decision that pleases God. I guess I always knew this was going on, especially after reading "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness" by Frank Peretti, but it seems so much more real since we are talking about it on a daily basis around here. Maybe it seems to be a common topic of discussion because we are raising kids who may or may not have a background in spiritual things or maybe it is just because we are raising kids period. They won't ever learn unless we tell them. Let me be clear to say that we do not scare them by talking about the devil, but he is our very real enemy and I feel I would be doing them a disservice by pretending like he isn't always trying to trick them. They know that Jesus is bigger and Jesus will win, but they also know that the devil is always fighting against them and they have to choose to not please him by their choices.

I am so glad we have power over the enemy of our souls by the blood of Jesus. There are a few songs that have been going over in my head for the past couple of weeks and they talk about the victory and freedom we have because of the blood. I am so thankful for the blood that purchased my victory and victory for my kids. Nothing but the blood can do that. Nothing

Jumping in the Puddles

2011-12-04T21:52:00.000-06:00

This morning I made a deal with my kids. If they would not purposefully jump in the puddles on the way into the church, thus getting their church clothes and shoes wet and dirty, I would let them play in the rain and the puddles after we got home and changed into jeans and tennis shoes.

So tonight we did just that.

You'd be surprised to know (or maybe you wouldn't) that D was not interested in getting wet and cold at all but rather the girls were both all in when I told them to change clothes so we could go jump in the puddles. (By we I mean them getting all wet while I was taking pictures of the entire ordeal). Yes, I am that mom that let and even encouraged my kids to run through the puddles on the side of the road in the cold and was following with my camera the whole way. It was a blast if I do say so myself. Sometimes, I think kids just need to be kids. I have always loved the rain and loved playing in the rain, so I was so excited that the girls wanted to participate. The pictures aren't the best, but we sure did have a fun time making memories. I think its good for them and for me to just be silly and be a kid sometimes and do something a little out of the box just for the fun of it. And we sure did enjoy ourselves. I wonder what the people in the cars thought as they drove down our road and saw us running and jumping away in the rain, getting wet, with mom on the sidelines approving the whole way. I am sure some would have through we were crazy. Let them think all they want. We had fun and I wouldn't take back those 10-15 minutes for anything. I am so grateful that I have kids who will be silly and let me enjoy it all in the process. Kids are the best! They remind us to enjoy life and not take ourselves too seriously. I think we could all use a reminder of that on occasion.

Scared? Not me!

2011-12-03T22:14:00.000-06:00

For the first time in 7 weeks I'm not scared. "Of what?" you might ask. Let me back up a bit here and catch you up. (TMI warning!!)

Starting in July when we found out we had been selected for our kids I have been telling everyone, EVERYONE and for the most part they were all excited for us. But the next sentence that has come out of their mouth was "You know you are gonna get pregnant as soon as you get the kids, right?" Sounds like an answer to prayer, right? But 7 weeks ago I realized I was so not ready to be a new mom to three and prego all at once. SO NOT READY! I kinda laughed it off, but it was really starting to worry me. (Enter me trying to figure it all out, again. You'd think I had learned my lesson by now, but apparently not.) I thought about going back on birth control. I started being lazy with taking my Synthroid. I paid really close attention to my cycle to avoid my husband at certain times of the month. (Not that being totally exhausted left room for any intimacy between us, but just in case, I was really aware.) There were a couple of points in the last 7 weeks when I would have told you I would be really mad at God and really depressed if I ended up pregnant so soon after getting the kids. These weeks of getting adjusted have been really hard on me, on us, and have definitely had me reconsidering wanting any more kids at all. Ever.

But now, I say, God, bring it on, if that's what you want for us. I'm not sure what has changed in the last week or even the last couple of days, but I know that God will not give us more than we can handle. So I am resting in that and knowing that God knows what he is doing. I choose to "consider it all joy" (James 1:2) and not worry about the what ifs. And still, as if I had to relearn everything again, I trust that God's timing is perfect.

No, I'm not pregnant, just to clear the air and stop any rumors or speculations from growing in your heads.

Pictures today went pretty well. I am waiting on Andi to work her magic and then I can get the announcements/Christmas cards/New Years cards made and sent out. We definitely had God's favor on the day as it stopped raining just long enough for us to get our pics in. Because God is faithful.

7 weeks down, about 17 to go before things will be made final and I can post names and pictures on this blog. I am sure most of you are tired of not having pics, and quite frankly, so am I. Do you know how hard it is to have kids and not be able to post pics of them? I know there are blogs I go to and I look at only because of how cute the kids are. So I am kinda bummed that I can't offer you that yet. Let me tell you that when that day comes, those of you who are not my facebook friends will be amazed at how much our kids look like us. God is just amazing and worked all that out for us splendidly if I do say so myself.

Christmas Celebrations

2011-12-02T22:46:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday, November 23rd, we put up our Christmas decorations (or celebrations as K would call them). Last year I bought a second tree with the intent of one tree being a tree the kids could decorate and the other being a tree I could decorate. I told the kids the plans and H immediately opposed the idea saying that we were all supposed to decorate everything as a family. A compromise was reached that H would be in charge of the kid tree but that we would all help decorate it and I would be in charge of my tree, but let them help put things on under my direction. So here is the kids tree:

The ornaments I gave them to put on the tree were whatever was left from multiple years of trees with different themes as well as yearly ornaments since we've been married and more recently from vacations. The kids' additions that I think are noteworthy are the stuffed owl (because we all know owls belong in Christmas trees) and the Barbie doll complete in the package from the store. Also, you have to notice the package from D to BJ and I that is front and center of the tree and that he insists we can't open until Christmas. He makes packages like this often for everyone he meets. He ever made his cousin Erin her very own drivers license, because right now the thought of having a driver's license or credit card is just the coolest thing to him. You should also know that the back of the tree is totally bare of ornaments or decorations, as can be expected.

And then there is my tree:

It's pretty much what you would expect from me. Red and white and silver. Organized. Pretty equally spaced. I am not obsessive about it or anything so it isn't perfect, but I like it. I think my favorite thing about the tree is the ribbon that is curled and comes down from the bow at the top. It is a 9 ft tall skinny tree and fits in my living room between my couch and love seat. I love that it is a skinny tree and doesn't take a lot of space, but is big enough to look like a tree and not a stick.

Going into my big day of decorating the house I had high hopes for how much the kids would want to help and interfere with my plans. I was prepared for anything and was told not to have any expectations. It went pretty well. They were pretty much done with decorating by the time they got their tree decorated and left me to finish the rest which was perfect for me. I could do what I wanted with little interference and the decorations turned out how I wanted them. This year I didn't add anything new, so it didn't take much time at all for me to get everything done. About 3 hours in all I'd guess.

Usually I enjoy putting the lights on the outside of the house, but right now, it is too much for me. The kids haven't mentioned it, so I don't plan on putting them up unless they ask at some point. Even then, I may only do the two small prelit trees on the front porch and a few lights around the flower beds and skip the roof this year. I always dread taking them down and so for this year, I think we'll pass on that. Maybe next year when things are a little more settled, we'll work on getting them up. I do have my wreath on my front door, but I change that every season, so it wasn't much more work than usual.

We are getting family pictures done tomorrow, hopefully, if the kids and weather cooperate. I originally had planned to get Christmas cards made, but at this point, we may just make them all "Happy New Years" cards so I don't feel stressed or rushed to get them out on time. We plan to send photo cards to more people than our normal Christmas card list since this is kind of being combined with the equivalent of what "birth announcements" would be for a family who just had a baby. I'm thinking if I can find a new years theme that talks about new beginnings or something, it would fit quite well with what is going on in our lives.

The kids have been here for 7 weeks. 7 WEEKS. So hard to believe. Some days it feels like they just got here and some days it feels like they've always been here. 6 months and final adoption proceedings will be here before we know it. So exciting!

The next thing on my list of to-dos is to find the kids a dentist and pediatrician who takes their insurance. I have a couple I plan to call on Monday and verify insurance before I make appointments to get them in. I've been told that not many take the type of Medicaid they are on, so I'm double checking everything and assuming nothing. The girls both have birthdays in the next month or so, so I'd guess they will be due for well child checkups. I may not take D in until closer to his birthday which is in June. All of the kids need their 6 month dental cleaning/checkup/whatever they do for kids their age. I really don't know when all of this starts, so I guess I'll just have to see what they say when I call on Monday. My kids have been in good health overall and that is such a blessing. We've had little colds here and there, and one slight-fever, but nothing that has hung on for any length of time and wasn't kicked by a little over the counter medicine. I have seen people with sick children (usually younger than mine) and am so grateful for my kids' health overall.

I am doing well with my Christmas shopping, kinda. I am almost done with the kids and only have everyone else left. I figure buying for them in the biggest part of our Christmas, so I guess that means I'm more than half way done. BJ and I have decided to get a new TV for each other for Christmas, so I'm off the hook for him for that and only have his birthday to shop for.

The other exciting news I have (or at least to me it's exciting) is that BJ and I will be going to a weekend long marriage conference/retreat in April. Since life has change so much recently, we've decided we need a time just for us, away from the kids, where we can focus on us and making sure our marriage is strong enough to withstand the craziness that is our new life. We both realize that the kids wear us out and we need to be a unit, loving each other, and parenting them together for the sake of our family and our marriage. I am convinced that without a strong relationship between us, our kids and our family can't thrive, so we are taking a weekend for us and for them. I've wanted to do one of these before and am really excited that the timing is working out right this time around. It is around our 8th anniversary and we are considering this our anniversary gift to each other. I am so looking forward to it.

The Good Stuff About My Kids

2011-11-27T22:33:00.000-06:00

Being a parent is tough, but I don't want you to think for one second that I'd have it any other way. Yeah, I cry a lot about good things and bad. Ok, I really cry about everything. And I am hormonal like a new mom without a real hormone imbalance to blame. And at the same time, there isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for my babies. Yes, they are my babies even though they are 7,6, and 4. And there are moments I carry them around the house like babies and sing lullabies to them because they ask me to. They are the sweetest most loving kids I could ever ask for. They are the best huggers in the world. Right now H loves to give me really tight squeeze hugs. The kind that makes you lose your breath each time she squeezes you. I almost feel like I am getting the Heimlich. But I love it. And D is just so sweet. I now understand what my friend Kim said about the love she has for her boys. If you don't have both boys and girls I'd guess you wouldn't understand. It's different, but in the best way possible. He just melts my heart so many times a day. Such a sweet little guy who really wants to please God and tries so hard to be a good listener and to obey mom and dad even though it doesn't always turn out that way. And K. She sings everything. Makes up songs all day long about whatever is on her mind. Just like her Grandpa. Such a free spirit, loves to share and play with her older siblings and copy whatever they are doing. It annoys them usually and I get that since I am the oldest, but it is still so sweet. She has such a tender heart and gets her feelings hurt when she has to be disciplined for not following the rules. Reminds me of my sister in that way. She loves being the baby and will request to sit on my lap or be carried everywhere, and I oblige quite a bit, because soon I really won't be able to since she is growing like a weed. I asked K this week if our house was full and she said "No, we need more kids. There's room, mom!" Makes me smile.

This weekend they were all so sweet with their baby cousin Erin. Each of them had their moments of talking sweet to her and entertaining her on the floor and hugging on her. And she loved them too. When she gets a little older, they are going to be great friends and baby sitters. Now, if we could just get Erin (and her parents) to the great state of Texas and away from Chicagoland...

And they loved playing and hanging out with their great grandparents. It was so nice for them to be able to meet them and really get some individual attention before the crowds showed up. Haley kept saying how she loved how big her new family was. We had 35 on Thanksgiving at my parents house, including 14 kids. (Only 4 of those weren't family)

And those three are going to be great older siblings when God gives us more kids. When. Not if. I am still convinced that God isn't done growing our family. But right now, I'm not rushing things and just enjoying the family he has given us now, at this time in our lives. There is no point in wishing today away, but instead I choose to enjoy the moments, because we can't get them back later.

Teaching them Young - Giving Thanks

2011-11-21T21:57:00.000-06:00

As a sort of continuation from yesterday's post, tonight when I put K to bed I said a short prayer with her (we all say family prayers together at the dining room table) that Jesus would keep her safe and I told the Devil to leave her alone in Jesus name. We've been talking about how they have authority when they are scared or are having bad dreams to tell the devil to leave them alone because Jesus gave us that power. We've been practicing saying "In Jesus name, stop" and "In Jesus name, Devil leave me alone." So as I finished my prayer that I wasn't even sure she was listening to, her sweet voice said, "In Jesus name, Devil go away and let me sleep." So sweet. So innocent. So powerful! It is just amazing to me how kids learn so fast and trust that whatever you tell them is true (well, as long as you aren't saying something they don't want to happen like time-out or writing sentences, but that is a whole post in itself.) So for now she is sleeping soundly and I am trusting that God is doing what she asked and keeping that pesky Devil away so she can sleep and sleep well tonight.

Today I am thankful for innocent child-like faith that believes God will do what he has promised and is not inhibited by experience or knowledge that introduces doubt and human reasoning into the equation.

Giving Thanks - Day #532

2011-11-20T22:49:00.000-06:00

At this point I am so far behind on giving thanks each day, that I've decided it isn't even worth trying to catch up. Yeah, life happens. Oh well. I have gotten further this year than I have any other year, so 13 days in a row is a new record for me.

Today I am thankful for the authority we have in Christ over the devil. (Ok, so I may step on a few toes in this post based on what you believe in regards to the devil, so if you are easily offended or like to believe the devil doesn't exist and doesn't attack, you may want to skip this one.) Tonight K was having a nightmare. She has those kind of often (2-3 times a week) and it's actually pretty common for kids who come from hard places. They have endured some horrific things and sometimes they relive it in their minds and through nightmares. But this was the worse I've ever seen her. I heard her crying in her bed and went in to wake her up so I could comfort her, but she wouldn't wake up. I brought her to the living room and continued to try and wake her up for the better part of 20 minutes. Somewhere in my attempts, I started to pray for her. To assert my authority over whatever was tormenting her. I believe as a parent, I have spiritual authority over the devil and his attacks against my children. By using God's word and the authority I have, I was able to get her to wake up and whatever was torturing her left. Praise God! I am thankful for the authority over the devil by the blood of Jesus. I hate that my baby has to be scared and fearful but I will keep attacking the devil and fighting for my kids as long as I have breath and he has no choice but to submit to the authority I have in Jesus.

And I am once again reminded that this is going to be a battle and I'd better be ready to fight the devil and his tactics. I know a lot about where my kids are coming from, but I wasn't there, and I don't know every opportunity in their lives the devil had to gain influence over them. And quite frankly it isn't fair for them to have to start behind the ball, spiritually, with so much already that they know and that taints their innocence. But this is where we are and I am ready for the fight. So, devil you'd better get ready, cause this Mommy is gonna fight hard and isn't going to give up until there is victory and freedom for my kids.

Giving Thanks - Day #13

2011-11-13T17:22:00.000-06:00

Today I am thankful for the cold I have. Stay with me and it'll make sense, I promise. I have been feeling pretty yucky for the past few days. Today I am kinda in a daze and while for most people that would be bad, it has taught me to chill out some. Since we got the kids I have been going full force trying to be consistent and to discipline them for their good. And to some extent it has worked. And the flip side of that coin is that I have been nit picking everything to death and it was probably stressing them out as much as it was me. But today, when I was really too tired or in a daze to care about all the little things, I chilled out and really I think the kids responded to me much better. (Maybe they were just being nice because they knew I didn't feel good.) We are turning a corner here, I think. Maybe I am getting the hang of this. My friend Elaine told me to pick my battles and I never really understood that until today. Being a parent is hard and new for me, but I really hope that I have learned from this mistake at least, and am able to calm down and stop trying to create perfect kids. I can't rely on myself or my methods because I will always fail. Because I am insufficient, but my God is not. I am learning to do less picking apart every detail and more praying to the one who can speak to my kids, who can help them, and who provides the strength and wisdom I need to raise them to love and serve Him. So, yes, today I am thankful for a silly little cold.

Giving Thanks - Day #11 and #12

2011-11-12T23:13:00.001-06:00

I was doing so well and then, well life has been a little crazy here and this hasn't been priority. So I apologize, and will do two days in this one post.

I am thankful for my sister. I would dare to say that over the years she has been my only constant friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, we've had our moments (mainly my moments, mind you) where we haven't exactly gotten along, but I am so glad God gave her to me. Even though I wasn't too thrilled to have a little sister and lose the attention I rightfully deserved, it has all worked out in the end. She is a Godly woman and has a real heart for worship and ministry. I am glad we've gotten the opportunity to travel and sing/play together in Splitfish and more recently to lead worship together on several occasions. Before she moved to Chicago we could just look at each other and know what we were thinking and leading worship together was a breeze. We are also a force to be reckoned with whenever we play any team game together. So much so that they have banned us from being partners anymore because we smear everyone else, especially at Pictionary. I tell you, we have the same mind when it comes to that stuff. More recently, she has made me the aunt of the most adorable little girl on the planet, Miss Erin. She is such a sweetheart and I am excited they are coming to visit in less than two weeks. I am also quite excited for our kiddos to meet Jill and Sam and Erin. This is going to be our first holiday with kids! Yippee!

Secondly, I am thankful for the Sunday School class I teach. When I started teaching 4 and a half years ago (I think), God was moving me from 1st and 2nd graders to college and career. If you've ever taught Sunday School, you have to know that is a big change. From kids to your peers basically. Huge! But God has used this opportunity to stretch me in ways I never imagined. I have learned to hear God clearly and let him speak through me to those kids (I use the term loosely since they are only 5-10 years younger than I am). I love my students and am so glad God has put them in my life. Yes, there are times when I feel like I'm talking to the wall or no one is listening, but I know and am convinced that for now, God has me exactly where he wants me and it is such a blessing to be in that place.

Giving Thanks - Day #10

2011-11-10T22:39:00.000-06:00

Today I am thankful for second chances. We all make mistakes and there is a such thing as an accident (although I am having trouble convincing my kids of that since they think if anything is done to their stuff or them it must be on purpose). I am glad that God gives second chances. Every second is a second chance for starting over. Yeah, we are gonna mess things up, but by God's grace we can be forgiven (by God and whomever we have hurt) and get up and try again. Trying again means we have to admit when we mess things up (which can be hard to do for some of us, me included), ask for forgiveness and be willing to get back up on that bike and ride it again, knowing full well that you will mess it up again someday, and that is okay. One of my friends from church has a saying at her job that everyday is a Monday. A new chance. A fresh day to make different choices and get different outcomes. A new day full of new mercies from the Lord and new opportunities to be a blessing. So whatever happened a minute ago is over and I now have a second chance to do things differently.

Tonight we (well BJ was in the room but not really talking) had a talk with H. We have been having some issues with her being disrespectful to us. I know that I mess things up sometimes, but it has not seemed to make a difference if I am stern and loud or soft and compassionate. I have been getting the same back talk, the same disrespect. Tonight I asked her what we needed to do differently to be able to help her. She is only 7 so she really didn't know how to answer that. But she opened up and began to share about being sad and missing her family and not really understanding why she couldn't live with them and how when she gets older she wants to visit them. It so easy to forget that she isn't just a normal kid, but a kid with a lot of emotional baggage that she doesn't know how to sort through. Seeing her that way helped me to be more compassionate toward her. We talked to her about how we picked her and her siblings and prayed that God would let us be their parents if it was his will. Her face lit up when she realized that we picked them out of a bunch of kids and wanted to be the best parents we can for them. We've had the discussion about all we had to do to be able to adopt them before, but just like I forget where they are coming from, she had forgotten what we've been through to get us to this place where we are all together as a family. So we made a pact with each other that we are gonna try and do things differently. She knows we love her and she really loves us but sometimes neither one of us do a very good job showing it. So we've agreed to have a new start. From now on, when we are frustrated with each other or angry or sad, we've decided that we just need to give each other a hug until we calm down and are able to better deal with the situation. I really hope that we both keep up our ends of the deal and are able to bond more with her and give each other a little more grace while we are in this time of transition. I love our talks because they usually end with H giving me a big long hug and saying "I want to hug you forever." Being a mom is not easy, but some days, it is just so rewarding!

Thank you God for second chances with my kids!

Giving Thanks - Day #9

2011-11-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

Today I am thankful for parents that live close by and are going to be able to help us with watching the kids before and/or after school. Next week I return to full time work which means K will be staying with one of her grandmothers in the morning before school and grandparents will be picking all the kids up from school in the afternoon. Tonight at dinner (we have dinner every Wednesday night at my parents which includes the 5 of us, my parents and B.J.'s parents) I shared with the grandmas what the plan will be for the next few weeks. I had it in my head that we'd have to leave my house at 7:30 in the morning to go and drop K off and then drive back to the school (which is across the street from my house) and take H&D to school. Both grandma's said they figured they'd come to our house instead of me driving everyone all over the place. I'd never even thought about that since I figured it was my responsibility to make this as easy for them as possible, and I am so grateful that they offered. It is nice to feel like they are willing to help us. I mean I should know that since they love our kids a lot, but it is still something I am very appreciative of. It is so nice for the kids to be able to be cared for by grandparents and not have to put them in daycare. I am praying everything will work out as well as it seems that it will. Of course as soon as we have a routine, it'll be the crazy schedule of the holidays, but I've been told kids are pretty flexible so hopefully we can keep moving forward and keep growing as a family.

Giving Thanks - Day #8

2011-11-08T21:25:00.001-06:00

Today I am thankful for the blood of Jesus. I thought about writing this post a few days back and then again yesterday, but the moment just wasn't right. In Sunday School, our class was about the power of the blood of Jesus in our lives. We talked about forgiveness, redemption, reconciliation, and victory. There are a couple of thoughts I want to reiterate here.

Reconciliation is defined as bringing back to harmony with, to restore, to have relationship with. It is just beyond me that God would give up his son so that he could have relationship with me. Romans 5:8 has been going over and over in my mind this week. It says that God showed us his love by sending Jesus to die while we were still sinners. Since I am a parent now, I can relate to God in different ways than before. I see things differently I guess. No matter how upset my children make me, or how frustrated I am at them for not listening or not obeying or defying me, while they are in the middle of the rebellion that causes strife between us, I would still do anything for them. It's just like God with us. No matter what we have said to him or done to him or how far we are running or deliberately breaking his heart, when we were at our worst, that is when he chose to give up his son for us. So he could have relationship with us. It is not enough for us to know about him, he wants us to know him and share ourselves with him. Every imperfect detail. And that relationship with God can be stronger than any relationship you have ever had or ever will have with another human being. Amazing! He shed the blood of his son so we can come boldly to him, without fear, without hesitation. To have an intimate relationship with the creator of the universe.

The price of our victory over sin and struggle is the blood of Jesus. We can never be over-comers on our own, but only through the blood. The precious blood provides our victory. And there is no such thing as victory without a struggle. If your opposition gives in or chooses not to participate in the battle, there is no struggle, and there is no victory. In order to have victory you must be involved in an encounter over which one can be victorious. So, if your struggling, you are half way to the victory. The other half is relying on the blood and not our methods and our ways. They work fine in the physical world we live in, but in a spiritual battle, you have to use spiritual weapons and you don't get those from yourself.

Giving Thanks - Day #7

2011-11-07T21:11:00.000-06:00

I am thankful for 8 o'clock bedtime. It is the source of my sanity. Even if it turns into 8:30 or 9. Me time. Me and B.J. time. No crying or whining. No "mom" this or "mom" that. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. But I am very thankful for kids who go to bed at 8 and sleep all night most of the time. I am thankful that I still get my wind down time at the end of a busy day. To just sit and be or watch TV, or chill, or update my blog without interruption from little people.

Going along with that, I'm generally thankful for bed time. When the kids are winding down (mostly) and are the most loving and affectionate usually. One of my favorite things to do between showers and bed time is make people sandwiches. I am usually on the bottom with 1 to 3 kids laying on top of me and I squeeze them tight thus creating a K or H or D sandwich (depending on which kid managed to get in the middle). They love this too (the girls probably more than D). It's moments like this that I feel the most loved and feel like they are really bonding with us. It is hard sometimes because they don't know us anymore than we know them, and we are all going through an adjustment time. Also at bed time we read our picture Bible together and each person prays. Sometimes their prayers can be really telling and sometimes they are so over it and say the minimum required prayer of "Dear God, Thank you, I love you, Amen." D is really trying to be a good listener and prays every night that God will help him to listen better and not talk back. He also prays that we will get good rest and sleep well. I have seen so much improvement in him in the past three weeks. He is probably my easiest child right now. I didn't think I would say that this soon. They told us he would be the hardest to adjust, but he seems to be doing really well. He is recognizing which of his behaviors are not allowed and he is making good choices to curve some of his behavior. The girls are having a little harder time connecting the dots. I think I'm going to try and let BJ take care of H. I have said before that we are so much alike. Each kid is so different, but if I were to guess, I'd say I am the hardest on her. I think I expect too much out of her and I really have to work on remembering she is only 7 and she has been through a lot and is in an adjustment period too.

Parenting is so hard, but we are getting in a routine, kind of. Next week I go back to working full time, so our permanent schedule will be able to be established at that point, just before all the holidays hit and throw everyone off of their normal schedule. There are days when I just want to give up, and quite honestly this past weekend was like that. Not because of the kids so much as because of me. (I refuse to take all the credit though since they weren't exactly angels either.) I think I expect too much out of myself as a parent. I had a someone recently tell me to cut myself some slack. New parents of infants don't get everything right and they struggle with routines and lack of sleep and learning their children. Often times they spend all day in sweats and never get around to daily things such as showers. She said I should think of myself just like that and shouldn't expect myself to make all the right decisions and do everything perfectly right off the bat. It takes practice and time and making a lot of mistakes. I am trying to chill and not be disappointed with myself every time I get upset with the kids, and by God's grace and with a lot of prayer I'll keep taking steps in the right direction and about the time I think I have it figured out, I'll end up pregnant. God does have a sense of humor and a way of keeping us in our place. Ha!

Giving Thanks - Day #6

2011-11-06T20:52:00.000-06:00

Today I am thankful for my church family. It has been a rough couple of days. Being a mom is hard, and being an instant mom of three kids that I don't even really know is even harder. Today I was just frustrated and stressed but my church family knows how to encourage me and lift me up. I was a wreck today, crying at the drop of a hat, and just an emotional mess. And I was met with a ton of hugs and prayers. It is just nice to know people care and when they say they are praying for you, they really are. I have been at my current church since before I turned five, so I've literally grown up there and some of them know me better than some of my biological family. And I wouldn't change churches for anything. I love it here. I belong. God has surrounded me with people who serve the same God as I do and are able to encourage me and keep me moving forward in this journey to be more like God and please him with every part of my life.

Giving Thanks - Day #5

2011-11-05T16:54:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for tears. Yeah, I cry all the time. When something is sappy, when I'm stressed, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, at movies, at TV shows, at books. And I'm grateful for the tears, even when they are brought on by sadness or worry. There was a time in my life when I was so apathetic to everything, nothing brought me to tears. I was just going through the motions. My tears tell me that I'm loving and living and putting myself out there. Being vulnerable, in the good and the bad. After I've had a good cry (which seems to be a lot lately) I always feel better. It's a good emotional release for me and I am truly thankful to God for allowing me to cry because I've lived without tears and it was horrible.

This started out as a kind of serious post, but I am sitting here laughing. All I can think about is that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond called "Alone Time." Debra tells Ray that she loves crying, that it makes her feel better. The show closes with Ray trying to make himself cry to test out Debra's theory, making goofy crying and sad faces with no results. He gives up and turns on "Soul Sister" and dances in his best white boy way. It is such a funny episode. It just proves my point, that crying isn't a horrible thing and tears are indeed something to be thankful for.

Giving Thanks - Day #4

2011-11-04T10:50:00.001-05:00

Today I am thankful for God's word and the ability to memorize easily. I don't know where I would be without a scripture to stand on or a promise to trust in from God. God's word is an extension of who He is. It reminds me who I am in Christ and what God has promised for those who love him, which is a lot. If you know me, you know I have memorized a big portion of God's word over the years in Sunday School, Missionettes, Bible Quiz, and otherwise. In most of those situations I learned God's word not because of the benefit it would give me but to get a goal accomplished, whether it was a competition or finishing a badge. And I am so grateful for the competitions that pushed me to do something that would benefit me in life so much more than I realized in the heat of the competition. I cannot count the number of times I have been able to locate a scripture verse to apply to a struggle or situation I was dealing with because I had put God's word into my heart at a young age and continue to do so. It has been life changing for me to not have to rely on a physical reference but to have God's word in my memory bank to pull from when I need it.

My favorite thing about God's word is that just like God, it doesn't change but stands forever. God's word doesn't depend on me but is constant despite what I am going through or how everything else is changing around me and my life is complete chaos right now. If you know me, I don't like change too well, so I'm glad to have the constant in my life of God's word. The kids and I have been listening to a couple CDs of scripture memory verse songs and I enjoy it as much as the kids, maybe more. Here's my favorite song right now from those CDs. The video seems to not start at exactly the beginning, but it is all I could find online.

By the way, if you are interested, I found these scripture memory CD's for kids and love them. I find that often the songs do the job of helping to memorize scripture, but annoy the adults in the process. Not good. These are cool and really aren't annoying, or at least to me they aren't. I find myself singing these songs throughout the day and it really keeps me going.

Thank you God for you word and how it changes me!

Giving Thanks - Day #3

2011-11-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

Today, I am thankful for my wonderful husband, B.J. I have said it time and time again, but it still rings true that God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought us together. No, God didn't give me what I thought I needed or wanted, but he gave me B.J. which proves that God's plans are better than our own. He is very patient and supportive of me in everything I do. He mellows me out when I am stressed or angry. He is constant and not easily angered. He sees me as beautiful when I see my flaws. He buys me gifts and does thoughtful things just to show me he loves me. He is my better half and completes me. He is a Godly example to our kids. I am so grateful that God has given me B.J.

Giving Thanks - Day #2

2011-11-02T10:02:00.001-05:00

Today I am thankful for my job and coworkers. I have worked at Sommerville & Associates since August of 2002 and really feel like it has been a Godsend to me. I have been there since before I finished my undergrad degree and have grown from part time receptionist to CPA and professional over that time. I am thankful that the majority of our clientele and my coworkers are Christians and we can encourage each other and pray for each other on a daily basis. Because our primary practice is helping religious nonprofits with tax compliance and IRS filings, I feel like it is not just my job, but my ministry. Yes, there are tax deadlines and stressful times, but for the most part I really love what I do.

I also am thankful that my employer is very understanding and willing to work with me and is pretty flexible as far as when I work and being able to get off for holidays and family priorities and such. I know that if something comes up personally that demands my attention, I will not get yelled at if I need to deal with something and need some time off. With that comes the understanding that the work will get done and as a team we will work together to help each other as much as we can. I am thankful that I am able to work part time for these first 4 weeks with the kids in order to get things settled and help everyone adjust to the new normal. If I didn't have the mornings to do laundry and dishes and take care of other errands right now, I would be even more crazy than I already am. Honestly, I really didn't think I'd need to take so much time off (because I obviously had never done this before and thought I was Wonder Woman or something), but I am grateful that my employer made me. Because I really need this time right now. For the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my family.

Thank you God for your many blessings!

Disclaimer: The order in which I am posting is not based on priority but on whatever pops into my head at the moment.

Giving Thanks - Day #1

2011-11-01T21:25:00.000-05:00

November is here and I've decided to try and post each day until Thanksgiving about something I am thankful for. And it couldn't have come at a better time.

I am exhausted and stressed and so in over my head, but today I choose to be thankful for my kids. God has entrusted them to me and I am so grateful. It is all about perspective. I am quickly realizing you can never be fully prepared for what life with three kids will be like. I suppose it is different when you raise the kids from birth and add them one at a time, but God didn't choose that plan for us. And that is okay. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am often times envious of the normal family. Sometimes I am angry and overwhelmed with how unfair life has been. And then I remember God has us exactly where he wants us and these are our kids, even if we haven't raised them from birth. And He is strengthening us and equipping us to help our kids by His Spirit.

Today I am thankful for sweet moments with our kids...
-Like when K knew I was stressed yesterday and made an effort to give me a hug and tell me that she was glad that we were her forever family and the ones she was looking for.
-Or like tonight when I tucked H into bed and she said she wanted to hug me longer and not let go.
-Or when D hugs me so tight and makes sure to beat me to the punch and say he loves me first.

Because some days I just need to step back and change my perspective. Thank you God for your goodness!

I LOVE Being a Mommy

2011-10-21T11:20:00.000-05:00

The kids have been here close to a week so I thought I should update.

The kids flew in on last Friday morning and we all met at our house to sign the paperwork for adoptive placement. The placement is supposed to take place at our house according to the state rules. To get around that requires special approval which basically amounts to delaying placement. After placement, we went to McDs for a quick lunch on the way out of town. That is right. As soon as we got the kids we packed up and headed back to Houston to get their bikes and a few other small things. The kids traveled really well. I was prepared with a ton of coloring books, sticker books, and other paper to keep them entertained for the 4 hour trip each way. We stayed the night in a hotel and headed back Saturday morning after picking up their bikes at the foster-parent's house. They are kids so of course there was the normal "she's looking at me" and "he touched me" stuff going on, but for the most part they did really well. We learned very quickly that D loves making things out of paper (anything really) and tape and giving them away as presents to whomever he sees. He is a very sweet boy and very giving. On the trip we also learned that, apparently, if there are no houses on the side of the interstate, or none that K can see, then we can't possibly be headed home. She was convinced we were going the wrong way. She did better once we actually got to an area of I45 that included houses she could see from the truck.

By the time we got home, we were all ready to be out of the car for a while. We went over to my parents for dinner on Saturday night (which allowed me to not have to cook) and they got to play with Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) and Nana and Papa (BJ's parents).

Sunday was church. The loved children's church and their Sunday School classes. The real test was making it through the 2pm service where the kids have to sit still and quiet through the preaching because there isn't any classes for them. I had special sticker books and paperdoll books for the kids to color and they did well.

Monday I went and registered the kids for school while BJ kept them entertained at home. Tuesday they started school and they all seem to be learning well and having a good time. K's pre-K doesn't start until 12:20 so she walks D & H to school with me and then we return home to hang out and play for a couple of hours before her school. It is really nice that the school is basically across the street and we don't have to fight the driving traffic to get them to school. Right now BJ is off work so he is able to take K and pick the kids up so I can get some work in. It is working well and I expect it will work well until he goes back to work on 10/31 and we have to figure out another plan so I can get my hours in and the kids can be taken care of. We have a couple of ideas as to how we will make it work.

A couple of things I want to remember about the kids' first week:

H loves school and is quick to do her homework as soon as she gets home. We are working on her not being so independent. It is okay to do things yourself but she needs to learn to let me look at all her stuff so we know we aren't missing anything. I had asked her about spelling words earlier in the week and she told me she knew them. Last night when I quizzed her on them, she didn't know them and hadn't even studied them. No bueno. So we studied them and I quizzed her until she knew all 16 words. Last night I also looked over her math homework and we had to talk about it to make sure she understood. I think she rushes through it so it is done but isn't necessarily worried if they are right or not. We are working on it and she is very smart, so I'm sure she'll get there if she'll let me help her and not try to do it all on her own.

D is so smart. My proud mommy moment of the week is that he can spell constellation. I think that it is a crazy 1st grade spelling word, but he conquered it. He says he doesn't like school, but I can't figure out why because he is so smart. Yes, we have to work at it a little, but his memory is very good. Today is his first spelling test, so I hope he does well. His first response to anything, whether he likes it or not is whining. Hopefully, he won't get all worked up when the teacher tells him it is time for his spelling test. I have already seen improvements in this since he knows whining isn't going to change the fact he still has to do his homework and still has to brush his teeth, etc. I love when he cuddles up next to me during our Bible reading and prayer time each night. We found out that he prefers button up shirts to t-shirts so I went and bought him quite a few. I like little boys in polos or button ups, so I am happy with his choice.

K is my sweetheart and my baby. She loves to be held and hugged. She doesn't hug BJ as much, but she sure does know how to turn on the charm when she wants something. They learn so young. She has this funny thing she does where she stomps her foot and makes a serious staring face and then cracks up laughing. She is silly. She loves the kids praise and worship DVD we have and will watch it over and over if you'll let her. She dances around the living room, doing the movements with the kids on the DVD. When BJ gives me a hug or kiss, she tries to wiggle her way in between us to stop him. She says it is gross. She freely gives out hugs and kisses, so there is a little of a disconnect.

We are all tired from our first week at school and are ready to be able to sleep in as late as we want tomorrow. BJ says that means they'll all be up earlier than usual tomorrow. I wouldn't be surprised.

Life isn't perfect, but overall things are going really smoothly and we are really excited to be at this place in our lives. Sunday we are having an all church singing at the 2pm service and my kids are planning on singing. We will see how that goes. D keeps asking me if Daddy is singing with him and I keep saying yes. My plan to get BJ singing is working, maybe.

Behind

2011-10-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

So I realized Sunday that my biggest struggle with this adoption is the fact that my kids don't know God. If I were to have biological children, they would be raised in church and would know nothing but serving God. Some people may see that as a disadvantage, but I am very glad that is how I was raised. I love God so much because I was taught to love and serve God from an early age. It has been my life and I am grateful!! So it bothers me that my kids are starting behind other kids their age who have been raised in church. I have been doing a lot of praying about this and am trying to not let the devil in with his fear and lies and to just trust God in this. But if I'm going to be honest, it is hard. I'd guess every parent who wants to raise their kids to love God and serve him have this struggle sometimes, but it is intensified for me in that I am 7,6, and 4 years behind in this. And I don't like being behind.

Yesterday in my personal devotion time, God spoke very clearly to me through this verse.

"Do not be afraid...For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground. I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring and my blessing on your descendents." Isaiah 44:2-3

In my Bible I wrote, "God, you will provide your Spirit and presence for my kids who have not been taught to love you, yet." YET. I love that word. It carries with it a sense of hope of something on the horizon. So, yes, we're starting behind, but God is faithful to keep his word and he will not overlook my kids or hold their past against them, but will come to them, will pour out his Spirit, his love on them. Because just like anyone else, they need him. And He loves them more than I could ever understand.

Moving In

2011-10-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

I got a call on Friday from Erisha, the kids worker. She told me that she had talked to the foster mom and had told her she could start packing some of the kids things so we should expect to bring somethings home with us. At first it was a bit overwhelming because it meant this was really happening. Then, I decided it would be a good idea to get some stuff before the kids come so I could get somethings organized and know more what I needed as far as storage and such. However, I did not expect this...

There was a huge box of clothes for each kid, three boxes of toys and other stuff and a trash bag of pillows. Basically we ended up with almost everything they have except for a week worth of clothes, bikes, and a few toys. So today I have been going through stuff, setting aside some items that are too small or stained for the kids to go through (because I don't want to throw away something from their past that means something to them). I am at a standstill as I have run out of hangers. I have the girls stuff about half way gone through.

Tomorrow after work it'll be a trip to get some hangers, storage bins, and a bookshelf maybe to put in the closet. And I have got to at least figure out what I am doing about a dresser for D. That's a pretty big dilemma that I can't seem to solve at the moment. I am pretty sure every night this week will be filled with running here and there to get things closer to ready for the kids. It doesn't have to be perfect, but what I can get done now, I don't have to try and do with three kids in tow. Dondi, one of my coworkers, said it would be nice to get a week without her kids to go through her boys' rooms, so I am definitely taking advantage of the time before the chaos begins.

And now for the big news...placement is scheduled for Friday! The kids and their workers will be flying in Friday morning for us to sign some paperwork and make this official. We are so excited!! The adoption won't be final for 6 months, but effective after we sign the paperwork, the kids are essentially ours. Wow!

I keep getting asked if I'm ready and I don't really know how to answer that. How can you be ready for everything you know nothing about? People are trying to reassure us and honestly, I am ready to an extent. But you can never be fully prepared for something like this. We are excited and we know the kids are too.

The timing could not be more perfect. Because God knows what he is doing! Our 10/15 deadline will be completed before I move to part time and the 11/15 deadline work for me is quite manageable at this point.

5 days and counting.

K - the Kutie

2011-10-09T20:34:00.001-05:00

(It's my blog and I can spell cutie with a K if I want to. Besides I couldn't find an alliteration with the letter K that fit, so it is what it is.)

K is my baby and she is at a really fun age. The best word to describe her, besides cute, would be moody. One moment she is happy and laughing and the next she is crying. We are trying to teach her to ask us to do things and not demand it of us, but that is a work in progress. I'm sure since she is so cute, she has learned most people will respond to her cuteness and demands. Well not this mommy.

She is the most ticklish little girl I have ever met. Seriously, you can't even help her button her pants without her laughing. So fun! Everything tickles her. She has this normal laugh, and then what I'd like to call her evil laugh. It isn't really evil, it is just deeper and comes from lower in her gut. Cracks me up!! She is not shy to tell you what she wants, which is generally a good thing. Much better than when you have to guess in my opinion. She will copy whatever you do and thinks it is so funny.

K loves to be held and hugged. She is such a snuggle bug and I love it. Right now she prefers me to BJ most of the time but has her moments when she wants him too. It'll just a take a little time I think.

She likes to sing and when playing by herself will sing to herself. I never can quite understand what she is singing, but she has a pretty little voice.

She calls BJ, DJ most of the time. She has the most southern accent of any of the kids. I think it is because she is almost always smiling when she talks. She will not be overlooked and her voice gets louder each time she has to repeat herself.

She can be shy if she doesn't know you and is probably the most clingy to me, but I think that is because of her age.

She loves her baby dolls and is very motherly to them. She is good with sharing with her siblings.

She loves to wear my "flop flops" and I love the fact she calls them "flop flops." So cute!!

I love my baby girl so much and can't wait to watch her grow up and learn to love God!

D - The Daring

2011-10-09T20:09:00.000-05:00

I have much to update about, but thought I'd finish my blogs about each of the children before getting to all of that.

D is my middle child and all boy! He turned 6 in June and is in the first grade.

He was enamored with BJ's cap on the first visit, so when he came to visit us here, he found the smallest cap he could (BJ has quite a collection) and we let him wear it home with him. I am pretty sure he loves it as he has been wearing it whenever we've seen him since then. He is a good eater and really isn't picky at all. I remember the first weekend, the foster dad told us that when D hugs you, you can feel it. He is a very loving child and full of energy. I'm pretty sure both of us have been almost tackled to the floor upon arrival at their house to pick them up. He pretty much runs outside and to the car whenever we come.

He is a skinny little guy as his jeans that are long enough, basically fall off of him. He does this funny thing where he makes his face turn red, but every time, he flexes the muscles in his arm. It makes me die laughing. He bought a fake mustache out of one of the machines at Cicis and wore it basically all weekend. So funny! He bought one for BJ too so I expect he'll make BJ wear his next time we see them.

He wants to do whatever everyone else is doing and wants desperately to fit in. I talked to the girls about getting their toenails painted and he chimed in that he wanted to also, and didn't even care if they were pink. He informed me was manly enough for pink.

He keeps an eye on all of us to make sure we are being fair and he will let you know if he thinks he is getting the short end of the stick.

He loves money and found 8 pennies over the weekend which he stores safely in his pocket.

While at the children's museum, there was a station where the kids could paint their own faces. He wanted us to paint him like spiderman, but I didn't even know where to begin with that, so he took it upon himself. By the time he was done, he was a tiger, with yellow/orange skin, black stripes and a blue nose. And he was very proud.

He loves to make things with paper and is always asking if we have any. He folds it all sorts of ways and makes things for us. I have to admit that besides his paper airplanes, he has to tell me what he has made. I haven't developed the ability to tell what kids are making yet.

He is very giving and is always thinking of others. He always wants to make something for his foster brother or someone else he knows.

I love my little man and am excited to learn more about him and see how God will use him in the future.

Meet H - The Firstborn

2011-10-03T19:03:00.004-05:00

I am starting a little mini series on my blog where I share things I've learned about each of our children in the three short visits we have had with them. I know that soon, these stories will be overlooked by new adventures and new struggles, so I am recording them because I don't want to forget a thing.

H is our 7 year old daughter and she is full of life. From the moment we met her, she was the most engaged and welcoming. She almost immediately starting calling us Mommy and Daddy. Their therapist had told them about us and tried to prepare them for the transition to their forever family. She loves to talk and is very curious about everything. She is not afraid to speak her mind or tell you what she thinks she "needs" and you should buy her. She will do anything to make you happy and is a big helper, volunteering assistance all the time. In a lot of ways, she is like me. I guess as much as any first born is like another. Always wants to be in control, taking care of everyone else, the leader.

Her favorite colors are baby blue, purple, red and hot pink and she informed me that they change all the time. She asks us to turn the music up in the car and sings with the radio, pretending like she knows the words when you can tell she really doesn't. She "needs" a jewelry box and some jewelry to wear just like me. And this 7 year old wants ruffled socks. I bought some for her sister, but not her. I thought she may think it was too girly, but obviously I didn't know her very well when I opted for the plain white socks. But I definitely need to find some for her before she visits again. She attempted to wear her sister's socks that were way too small, just because they had ruffles. I wouldn't let that fly.

Everything is a competition with her. Including getting ready for bed and getting her seatbelt buckled. And school. She is very proud of her straight A's. I secretly think this is why she is the one of our children that enjoyed fishing longer than the others. She was determined to catch more fish than anyone else. (FYI -They were fishing at a stocked pond, but very few people actually caught anything.) On the way home from the park, H and K rode with BJ and D rode with me. According to BJ, at some point the girls decided they should race us home and were chanting "Go, BJ, Go!" When she saw there was an offering contest in Children's Church between the boys and girls, she came and found me so she could get her little coin purse out of the car and help the girls beat the boys, which they did. (We may need to start working on it being okay to make mistakes and be a good sport whether you win or not. I remember being devastated every time I wasn't perfect growing up. This sounds like payback. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes.)

She loves to color and is actually quite good at it. We still have chalk drawings on our front sidewalk to prove it. She finished coloring her paper before Sunday School even started. Ms. Kim said she was a big helper, very eager to please.

While we were watching a movie she crawled up and laid on the couch next to BJ with her head in his lap. Such a sweet girl!

She is taller than the other girls at church her age (but they are small for their age). She may be our basketball or volleyball player. We'll have to wait and see. It's gonna be interesting to be looking up at my teenage daughter, but I'm sure we'll manage.

It's been great getting to know her. I have a feeling it's going to be a lot like raising myself. Ha! I should start praying now!!

Blessed and Grateful

2011-10-02T18:41:00.002-05:00

The kids went home earlier today and I miss them already. My house has little remnants of the kids all over. From the way the girls purposefully placed their stuffed animals on their bed to D's paper airplane he left on the couch. Yep, we are definitely a family with three kids.

I have been pretty hesitant to say anything definitively, since they aren't placed with us yet, and I am afraid to be disappointed, again. But today I was reminded to wear my blessings well and give God credit instead of downplaying what God gives us. So here it goes.

God is just so good. I prayed and prayed and cried a lot over the past few years. I didn't know what God was doing, but I knew there had to be a reason we weren't able to conceive. It was heartbreaking month after month when you have done all you can and you have absolutely no control. We loved on our friends kids and tried to stay distracted in the mean time, but in my heart there was an empty place waiting to be filled. And I tried to just keep going day after day, but there were moments I felt like I was being punished or wasn't good enough to have kids. Of course everyone around me showed up pregnant unexpectedly and I would be hurt and angry again every time I found out. I felt like God had overlooked me and I didn't understand why. But now I know. It was all a part of the journey. God has been preparing the kids for us and us for the kids this entire time. They are the kids God knew we would have since the creation of time. We believe children are a gift from the Lord and we will soon be receiving our gift with open arms. All those tears, God saw and he answered. There was not a single night that I would cry myself to sleep that God didn't see. He was working behind the scene for our good, according to His plan, and I am so grateful and blessed! Thank you, God, for your goodness to us! Let me never be so busy that I forget to give you credit for the amazing things you have done for us!! You are awesome!!

The Kiddos are Coming

2011-09-30T20:43:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow morning the kids will arrive on a flight to visit us for about 24 hours. This will be the first time they've gotten to see their new home so I am excited! I feel like this is a big step in the right direction.

Tonight I finished putting the girls' room together. We just got the second girls bed Wednesday so tonight, I put it together and redid all the bedding. If you'll remember here, I had the girl's bedding bought and the room ready to go. At that point, we set the rooms up for one boy and one girl. Well, God has given us two girls and that means I had to get another bed. And because nothing can go smoothly, when I went to purchase the same bedding so that the two would match, it was nowhere to be found. I originally bought the bedding at Walmart and didn't even anticipate I'd run into that problem. I contemplated getting a second set of bedding that would go but not necessarily be the same, but honestly, I was scared it wouldn't really go, so I bit the bullet and bought two new quilt sets, bed skirts and sheets. No, they aren't exact, but the colors are really good together and all go with the yellow walls in the bedroom. And I would really rather have quilts than comforters anyways. The room is far from done as I want the girls to help me pick out some personal things to put on the walls since it will be their room after all. Now for your viewing pleasure...

This weekend's visit isn't going to be exactly as I expected, but I'm sure we will make do. I just have to decide to have a good attitude even though I'm a little disappointed. We will be meeting them (the kids and their worker) at the airport tomorrow because we have booster seats and she doesn't. From there somehow she will get to her rental car and follow us to our house. I'm not sure how long she will stay or what she will be doing until they head back to the airport at noon on Sunday. At 1 we have one of the workers from our agency coming for an unofficial visit to meet the kids. After that, BJ is planning to take D fishing and I'll take the girls shopping for some stuff for their rooms and ice cream. K asked for ice cream a lot on the last visit. I'd guess it is one of her favorite snacks. Sunday we have church, so I bought the kids new clothes as promised. I hope everything fits alright. We may do a fashion show of sorts after they get here tomorrow so if we need to make any adjustments or returns, we'll have some time to do so. We'll be leaving directly from church to meet Erisha with the kids so they can return to the airport. Since we are the only ones with booster seats, we may be taking them to the airport and meeting her there.

We hear the kids are as excited to see us as we are them. We sent them letters this week along with pictures from the first weekend to remind them about that visit. I know I always loved getting mail as a child, and actually still do, so I hope it at least brought a smile to their faces. I was supposed to call them Tuesday, but before I realized it, it was past their bedtime. I felt kinda bad, but hopefully they will understand. It is a crazy time for us too!

We are anticipating getting a call from the state to finalize some paperwork this week. After this happens, they will move forward with placement. That means that next weekend we could be going down to Houston to pick up the kids and their stuff for good. SOOOO EXCITING!!

I was beginning to doubt if we'd ever get here.

Funny story - Word has gotten out at BJ's work that we are adopting and s0 everyone is congratulating BJ. This week someone said "Congrats on your three new kids and the one to arrive next year." Yeah, we hear at least once a week, "you know you're gonna get pregnant now" and we are fully aware that a lot of times things happen that way. Let just say God has a sense of humor. And if we do get pregnant now, we are okay with that. Whatever God wants. Whenever God wants it. But for now, we are looking forward to enjoying the three kids He's given us.

Overwhelmed

2011-09-27T21:59:00.002-05:00

I feel like I've answered the question "How was your weekend with the kids?" a million times, so I'm sure you all want to know as well. You aren't going to like my answer, but it was good. There really aren't any specifics that I'd like to share except to say that things are still going well with us and the kids. I know that everyone wants every detail, but for now the fact that things are moving closer to adoptive placement should be enough to keep you happy.

I've been in a little of a funk since we came home Saturday night. I think its a combination of feeling overwhelmed and being exhausted of this process. I feel like everyone wants some important piece of information from me, but I really don't have anything to offer at this point. The process is slow for a reason. And I'm used to that, but sometimes feel like my answers to everyone's questions are not sufficient to satisfy their curiosity. So I'm sorry that I haven't been the most expressive or informative to fill your inquiring minds. We have only been with our kids two weekends for a total of about 24 hours including sleeping time, so we don't know everything about them. I haven't thought it was important to sit them in the corner and drill them on all their favorites, so I don't know. I know you are all just asking to show you care, but if you can just be patient and give me time to process and figure out this transition for us and the kids, it will ease my stress a little. :)

Yes, I am in a place of overthinking everything and trying to be the best parent I can for these kids. But unlike conventional parents, I don't get the luxury of starting with one child who doesn't talk or have an opinion. I get three, who definitely have opinions, and I have to get to know. I know this is my choice and I know this is where God wants us (I feel like a broken record I've said that so much) but this is my blog and I am venting. I have never been a parent before and I don't have a clue what I am doing. And I am feeling overwhelmed. It comes and goes in spurts, but please be patient with me for the next few weeks before the placement happens (and I'll probably need some grace from you after they move in as well.)

So as of right now, the kids are coming here on Saturday morning and leaving Sunday afternoon. They are flying up with a worker who will drop them off at our house and pick them up to take them home. Between now and then I have to get a third bed (it's being delivered tomorrow), get the bed put together, get the bedding situated, and buy the kids new clothes for Sunday (as I promised them I would). Lucky for me, they aren't coming Friday night. That just may push me over the edge.

Oh yeah and I need to get prepared for Sunday. I don't know when they are going home, but just in case, I need to buy them some quiet things to do during the second service so they don't get bored. Also, I am praying now that they will be okay going to their Sunday School classes and children's church Sunday morning. I know they will enjoy it more than being with us, but I am not sure if K (the youngest) will leave my side. I think Sundays are going to be the biggest adjustment for all of us.

We are waiting on some paperwork to come through from the state and then they will plan the placement. We still don't know when that is and when we do, we'll tell you. Promise!

I am sooooo in over my head, so I am just praying for some grace to make it through the transition and the next couple of weeks.

If the shirt fits, put it on.

2011-09-20T19:45:00.004-05:00

This past weekend was wonderful! It was so great to finally meet our kids and get over that initial awkwardness of the first meeting. We went down to Houston on Friday and met the kids first thing Saturday morning. We played with them at their house for a few hours where B.J. sufficiently got beat at Super Smash Bros and I put together Lego race cars, dressed Polly Pocket, and did a puzzle. We left from there to walk to the park. The foster dad came with because K was hesitant to go with us. He held her hand on the way and by the time we got there, she felt comfortable enough to play sidewalk chalk with me and H. D played Frisbee with BJ for a little while as did H. From there we went to McDs where they proceeded to scarf down their Happy Meals in 5 minutes tops. We are obviously not going to have the same eating issues with had with the other two siblings we watched before. After lunch, we left them for the evening and picked them back up on Sunday for breakfast at Cracker Barrel. In my mind, this was going to be the true test. Would they want to come with us again or would we be dealing with tears and clinging to the foster parents? See, our kids have lived with the same foster parents for 2 years and are very bonded to them. But praise God, breakfast went off without a hitch and they were excited to see us again. On the way there, there was a tickle war going on in the back seat and it was great to hear them laugh. H loves to talk and she is one funny kid. I could tell she was trying to connect with us and test us to see what our response to her would be. BJ talked to D more than I did and he is looking forward to a fishing trip, so BJ will have to plan one for the weekend they are up here with us. K was more shy than the other two, but she held my hand the whole time and was happy to sit in my lap while I played checkers with H. So overall, the weekend was great and easy. It was what I would picture a normal day with three kids would be like. Granted I know that they were on their best behavior, as this is a time of uncertainty for them too, and I know that it won't always be this easy. But it was nice to not feel overwhelmed from the first meeting with them.

This coming up weekend we are going down again and this time, we get to have a sleepover at the hotel with the kids. H is really looking forward to it. (I am sure the other kids are too. She is just the most outspoken of the bunch and doesn't hide her feelings much.) She wanted to come with us last weekend, so I'm sure she'll enjoy more time with us. She loves sleepovers, she said, so I hope we don't disappoint her. We are excited to spend more time with our kids.

And they are definitely our kids. We all have light brown/blonde hair and blue eyes. And according to H, her and I have the same face. :) And I think about the people who have to match kids with parents and realize they are really good at their jobs, at least for us they were.

The kids were able to look at our photo book before they met us and I'm pretty sure H memorized it. They were asking us about our parents and my sister. And playing the piano. And fishing. And other things from that book. I love that they want to know us as much as we want to know them. Love it.

They just fit with us. They are ours. H said jokingly that she thinks her real mom stole them from us and we are just now getting them back. Because they are supposed to be our kids. Because God really knows what he is doing.

It hasn't hit me yet. The fact that I am seeing God's word fulfilled. The fact that He is giving me the desires of my heart. The fact that I am going to be Mommy to three kids in less than a month. I am sure at some point I will have this emotional release (i.e. become a blubbering mess) of all the tension I have lived under for the past three years and will realize and feel how good God is. Today I was asked if I am trying not to bond with the kids too fast. And I think maybe I am. Not intentionally, but subconsciously. Last time I bonded with kids, and thought they might be mine, I lost them and I'm sure a part of myself is in protection mode. Please pray that God will help me to "love like I've never been hurt." Because I've seen them and know they need me to. And I need to for my own good.

Many of the people reading this asked for the kid's sizes and such when we get them. I promised I would post those when I got them. I am by no way asking for you to buy the kids things. We can handle it. But I also know that sometimes God speaks to others to be a blessing. Ok, I'm really not good at this, so here are the kids sizes if you want to bless them and us.

H (girl) - Size 7 clothes, Size 13.5 shoe
D (boy) - Size 6 clothes, Size 12.5 shoe
K (girl) - Size 4 clothes, Size 8 shoe

Speaking of fit, the title of this post is from this year's Christmas play. One of the characters says things wrong all the time and this is one of her lines. Just seemed fitting (there I am being punny and B.J. is rolling his eyes at me) since play practice started up in the beginning of this month.

So the shirt fits and we are putting it on FOREVER.

Closer

2011-09-13T21:43:00.002-05:00

The meeting went swimmingly (I've always wanted to say that) and we have a tentative schedule of visits and such between now and placement.

September 16-18 Visit with the kids in Houston
September 23-25 Visit with the kids in Houston
September 30 -October 2 Weekend with the kids at our house
October 7-9 possible visit if needed
Week of October 10 placement

It's crazy to think that in less than a month we will have three kids. THREE!! Thank you, God!! A little overwhelming but it is nice to have dates and some finality to this long waiting game. I am trying to not freak out too much but just take this last little bit one step at at time. And not get so involved that I forget this is what we've prayed for, hoped for, and waited for so long. We are so grateful that God has brought us to this place and we are finally getting the desires of our hearts. So excited!

Between now and the weekend we have some paper work to fill out and a call to make to the foster parents to work out some logistics. We are thinking right now we will go down on Friday night and just hang out for a bit at the foster parents house'. Then on Saturday we are thinking about driving through somewhere and go have a picnic at a park and spend some time with the kids. Nothing big or extravagant, but just an opportunity to get to know our kids. We are quite anxious to get the first meeting over so that we can breathe a little easier and know this is all going to be okay. I know it, in my head, but there are definitely a lot of butterflies in my stomach for the moment. It'll be nice to see their first reaction to us, no matter how bad or good it is. Then we can know what we are dealing with for future visits.

We are getting so close to being parents. Closer each day.

Anticipation...

2011-09-12T22:22:00.001-05:00

is killing me. It's like Christmas Eve, the night before the first day of school, the night before you leave for vacation, the hour before a big test. All wrapped up in one.

Tomorrow morning at 10am we will have our presentation staffing. This will be a conference call with us, Mala, the kids' caseworker, and the kids' foster parents. As far as I know, they will give us a brief intro about the kids and let us ask any questions we may have. And I've started a list. My fellow list-makers are not at all surprised by this. Mostly the questions running through my head are logistics questions and don't have much to do with the kids. I know we haven't met the kids, but I feel like I know more about these kids than some parents know about their biological children. One thousand, one hundred, fifteen pages of information, remember? No, I don't have it memorized but I feel like I know all I need to know, except for a few logistic things. My mind is always going. Always. Figuring it out. Planning. Trying to imagine what it'll be like. Because I don't do surprises well. So I am as mentally prepared as I can be, I think.

At the meeting, if things go well, we will tentatively make a schedule for three pre-placement visits with us and the kids and the date of placement. 24 hours after the meeting, we will officially make a decision to pursue this adoption. I am not sure the 24 hours is necessary since God has practically spoken audibly to me, to us, about these kids. But it is procedure. Then we will move forward with the visit schedule. One step closer.

Psalm 103:17 But the mercy of the Lord is eternal for his worshippers, and their children's children will see his righteousness.

When reading through the kids files, there was one thing that stood above all the others. There is mention of a great grandmother that was "very religious." Now, I don't know her, obviously, but I wonder if she prayed for these kids. If her love for God is the reason they are coming to a Christian family. The reason they were rescued from a bad situation. If she loved God and left a heritage for the generations that would come after her. The thought makes me so grateful to her. For the decisions she made to serve God and thus bring God's righteousness and his love to her great-grandchildren. And allow God to use her to bring the kids to us. I firmly believe that God honors his word and the way we choose to live will affect our future generations. And just maybe that is why God has brought us all to this place in time. As a way for God to honor his promises. Oh, God is so good! Gives me goosebumps!

Ready or Not, Here We Come

2011-09-07T08:22:00.001-05:00

We got the kids files last Wednesday night and I was up until 1:30 in the morning reading them. Because I couldn't put it down. Because I knew I was leaving for Chicago Friday morning. Because I wanted to. So I left for Chicago with a pretty good feeling as to what I wanted to do regarding the kids. The plan was that BJ would finish the files over the weekend and we would discuss when I returned.

While in Chicago, God spoke very clearly to me as to where he was leading us. Sunday morning at church, the sermon was about James 1:19-27. The pastor talked about how we all live so comfortably and God says that pure religion is getting out of our comfort zone and helping others. (verse 27) At the close of the sermon, he showed a video of all these orphans in other countries who need someone to do something. It reminded me of those Feed the Children commercials. Granted, it was kind of a ploy to get emotions worked up, which I really hate, but God used that moment to remind me that he is giving these kids to us. No, it won't always be easy, and yes it does require me getting out of my organized, planned, comfortable self to make an impact, but they are a gift from him, an opportunity to get past myself. So I stood there with tears running down my face, receiving confirmation once again that we are right where we need to be.

My "discussion" about the kids with BJ was less emotional and dramatic, as can be expected. He basically said he didn't see anything in the file that would deter us from them. So it was settled.

I e-mailed Mala and she is in the process of setting up our presentation staffing with the kids' foster parents and case worker so we can ask any questions we have and hear first hand about the kids. At that meeting, if everything goes well, we will also schedule our three pre-placement visits before they move in with us.

So I am ready. And scared. And excited. And anxious. But mostly ready for life to change for us. For them. Yes, there is still a lot of unknown which I don't particularly care for, but I am reminded that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness. (II Corinthians 12:9)

Under Construction

2011-09-06T16:23:00.001-05:00

B.J. ditched me. And by that I mean he got his own blog. That means I need to revamp my blog since it really doesn't matter what he thinks anymore so I can make it as girly as I want. With that being said, I am not very savy when it comes to all of this, so please bear with me as I play a little. It's gonna be a mess for a few days (actually knowing me, I'd say I'll at least get it presentable tonight since I can't stand chaos very long). I do have a couple of other things to blog about, so I'm not sure if that'll happen before or after I get this the way I want it. Also, I am trying to come up with a catchy blog name that suits me and my soon to be family of 5. So if anyone is creative or has any ideas, please share with me so I can decide. I like alliterations but not so much it is annoying. I also like puns, so something punny might be good.

Chicago Here I Come

2011-09-01T20:10:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow morning I've leaving to head to my sister's for the long weekend. So here is my top 6 reasons I am ready for my vacation.

6.Chicago - I've never been up to see my sister since she moved up there. It's nice to get a mental picture of where someone lives so when you talk to them you see them in the living room or kitchen or whatever. It gives you a better understanding. I missed their first home up there all together, but it'll be nice to see where they live.
5. I will not be working. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my job most of the time. But it is always nice to get a break. I know that I haven't been working a ton of hours, but I feel like I have a perpetual deadline hanging over my head. I have got to get some things done before I spend some time with the kids when we get them.
4. I am flying by myself and I really enjoy being independent and doing things on my own. That means I get to decide everything while traveling and not consult anyone. Let me give BJ some credit before you think he is so difficult to deal with. He is not, at all. He usually doesn't have an opinion so traveling with him isn't some horrible struggle, but it's different when I get to just chill and do whatever I want.
3. I get some down time. I have a book on my kindle I have been reading for a LONG time. I am pretty sure BJ has read three books to my one. To put it in perspective, my book is a lot longer than his, but still. I'd like to get it done and move on to something else. Sometimes it is just good to be stuck in an airport or airplane with nothing else to do but relax and catch up on some reading. Not that I want to be stuck there for days, but a couple of hours will be nice.
2. Jill - My one and only sister. We are pretty close and I am excited to hear what she is up to and just hang out for a few days.
1. ERIN! I get to meet my sweet niece and I am excited! She is almost 5 weeks old and I haven't gotten to meet her. Jill told me Erin said she was looking forward to seeing me. She did, I promise. I have never been an aunt before and my cousin Martha says it is the best, so I'm looking forward to it. And there won't be a ton of people fighting over holding the baby and I'm sure Jill will be happy to give her up and get a break. Being a new mommy is hard work, right Jill?

So, Erin, Jill, and Sam, here I come. See you tomorrow!

Busy Weekend

2011-08-29T19:39:00.004-05:00

I don't guess I've done a normal "here's what's going on in my life" update for a while. My blog has been consumed with adoption and infertility and God speaking, I guess. Those aren't bad things, but I guess my normal has been changing. Who would've thought that thinking about adopting a sibling group would cause change? Not me. I think things are going to be totally normal and life will be about the same as it is now. (Can we say "sarcasm"?)

Ok, to keep this from being long and redundant, I'll just tell you about the parts of my weekend that were different from the normal. Sundays are busy for me by choice. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my church and I love being a part of the different ministries I am involved with. This week was a little busier than usual for a few reasons.

First, BJ worked on Sunday morning (boo) so I had to get to church and set up the power point and sound system. Not a big deal because I was able to get the songs early and BJ put the power point together Saturday night. This is the first time (that I can remember) that I didn't have some thing go wrong and have to call BJ for direction. Generally I know how to set it all up, but I just don't have experience troubleshooting. But I've learned those things too now. It was nice.

Secondly, I led the staff prayer meeting for the first time. Last Sunday I got asked if I would lead and I said yes. When God opens a door, I am trying to walk through, especially if it is in an area I have been praying about. It went well I think, but that bell that announces the end of prayer seemed to take forever. I'm sure it was because I was nervous and was ready to be done. But I loved it. Would love to do it again. I'm sure over time I'll get more relaxed and get better at speaking and leading prayer.

In Sunday School we talked about burdens we carry. I had them all hold their burdens (bags of pennies) for the entire class as a reminder of the weight that we carry unnecessarily. God says again and Again and AGAIN cast your cares on me, give it to me to bear, and stop carrying what I didn't give you to carry. But instead of going to God and taking our burdens to him and leaving them there, we check in with him on occasion to to give him a status update on how we are managing our burdens. We say "God I know you want me to forgive and to give you that burden of unforgiveness, but I am doing so well dealing with my hurt. When I see her, I don't feel angry at all God. I am such a good manager, I think I'll just hold on to this burden a little longer. You need my help." We've got to stop trying to micromanage God and truly give him control, give him our burdens. If God tells us to give him our burdens and we don't we are being disobedient. Isn't it funny how when God tells us to do something through his Word and it isn't comfortable for us, we treat it as if it is optional? I think the most honest thing we can do is admit to God that we want to obey him, but it is hard and we need his help. He wants us to rely on him and not try to do it all by ourselves.

Well, BJ is still at work (his shift started at 7 this morning) so I'm sure he is going to be exhausted when he gets home. I think I hear him now. Guess I should get off this thing.

Quick Adoption Update: We should have the kids files this week to go through and make a decision to continue towards adoption or not. Pray for us to make the right decision based on God's leading and not our emotions.

I Know That You Are For Me

2011-08-25T21:56:00.004-05:00

Jeremiah 29:11"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It just amazes me how God speaks to you through different parts of the same verse depending on what you are going through. Actually, I think its pretty awesome that God speaks to me at all. I don't ever want to be so used to it that I take him for granted. I am sure that you have all heard sermons or teachings on this verse and usually the key words we focus on are plans, hope, future, prosper, you know, all the good stuff this verse tells us about God's plans. But about 6 months ago God used this verse to teach me something very different.

This journey to have kids has been a roller coaster and this past February when I was having to decide to go to a fertility specialist or not, I got really frustrated with God. See, my plans at that point were still that God is going to heal me and give me kids. I am not much for doctors anyways, but I was really fighting going to a specialist. As if going was admitting there was something wrong with me that I and God couldn't fix. And I didn't want God to look like a failure. At this point I admitted I couldn't do a thing to fix my problems this time, but God, I still expected him to come through just at the last minute so I could avoid the specialist all together. I fought it for a long time and I was mad at God for bringing me to this point. I have tried very hard to not let my emotions get in the way and to truly stand on God's word and His promises and not what I felt. But I was a wreck. So God brought me to this verse, that I've read five trillion times (maybe more as it is currently painted on our Sunday School room wall). The part he used to speak to me says "and not to harm you." I felt on occasion, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone, I was being harmed through this ordeal and I was looking for someone to blame. I began to repeat to myself, day after day, through more tears than I care to admit that God wasn't trying to hurt me. Yes, I was hurt and I was struggling, and God was using the struggle for his glory, but his plans were not to hurt me.

And I can see the babies he is bringing me now, three of them. More than I ever could have dreamed for. And I realize his plans are for my good and for their good. I don't know if we will end up with those kids, but I do know he is working it out, not to harm me or them, but to bring us together in his perfect time. God has put us here at this time, for the kids he created for us

I have been listening to this song lately and love it. It feels like exactly where I am, like I could have written it. From the place that I am in right now.

Know that God is for you, on your side fighting for you, and not harming and hurting you. Because he won't forsake you in your weakness. So draw closer to him.

Doors

2011-08-23T19:20:00.006-05:00

Thresholds. Passage Ways. Entrances. Opportunities.

As Christians, we ask God to lead us in His perfect plan, to show us where to go and what to do and we wait for Him to open up the opportunities so we can walk through them. By faith.

God has been preparing me for something new. I don't know what it is exactly, but I do know the desires He has placed in my heart. Things the shy, scared, intimidated Sandra would never wish for. And yet I do. Because I know it is where God is leading me and will use me.

Short Rabbit Trail: For so many years I was so bound by fear. Fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. On the outside, people saw confidence (sometimes to the extent of being labeled as arrogant), but I felt inadequate and not good enough. And I hid it very well. I suppose my mom and a few close friends knew that behind the facade I was beating myself up for every shortcoming and failure. But I'm not that person any more. Yes, we all struggle and at times I feel overwhelmed and scared of all the new things coming in my life. But mostly I've learned I can't do it all and that is okay. God has been waiting for me to lean on him fully all these years. And I am getting there, by His grace.

Ok, back to doors. There are things I've felt led to do regarding ministry that I haven't told anyone about (except BJ) I wanted it to be all God and not my doing, so I've been waiting for the opportunity to arise. On Sunday, one of the doors I'd been praying for flew wide open. Only God could have done that. Only God. And it just makes me smile at His goodness. Because what God has opened no man can close and what God has closed no man can open. (Revelation 3:7)

Adoption Update: Still waiting on the kids files. It's been 4 weeks and we were told that for some cases it is taking as long as 2 months. So I choose to be patient. Patience is defined as having peace while you wait. And I have God's peace which goes beyond what I can understand, so being patient is easy (with God's help.) We are trusting for God's perfect timing in all of this and we expect God to move according to His will for us and the kids.

But God is Faithful

2011-08-17T08:37:00.007-05:00

I have learned over the years that I need God to be different things for different seasons of my life. No, God doesn't change, but there are certain parts of his character that I hold onto tighter as I go through different parts of this journey.

But God is Faithful.

This is my answer to whatever I am going through right now. I can't tell you what is going to happen or not or how everything will turn out or not, but I know that God's will is being accomplished in our lives and He is doing what only He can do.

But God is faithful.

This doesn't mean He always gives me what I want or what I think I need. He is always loyal to me, on my side, defending me, fighting for me, and providing His perfect will in my life. Behind the scenes, always moving, always working His plan, especially when I can't see Him or grasp what He is doing. And its okay that I don't understand or see or know it all.

When I think of the word faithful, it brings me back to a chapel service while I was at SAGU getting my undergrad degree. That day we had a student speaker and I really have no idea who it was other than that it was a guy. I don't know if his entire sermon was about God's faithfulness, but I do remember how he described God's faithfulness. I can here his constant chant of "Faithful. Faithful. Faithful, faithful faithful. Faithful. Faithful. Faithful, faithful faithful." No matter what the circumstances were, no matter what anyone said or did to try and interrupt him the chant continued. Just like God's faithfulness. Never ending. Not dependent on anything except God's character which also doesn't waver.

He always hears, always sees, and is always working for me. Because He is a faithful God.

God's Perfect Time

2011-08-11T19:58:00.003-05:00

It's been a couple of weeks since we got word that we were selected to adopt a set of three siblings (16 days actually, but who's counting?). We are waiting to receive the kids' files to read through. These files contain everything that CPS knows about these kids. Everything. I can tell you right now that I don't think you can ever be prepared to read those files. I've been told they will include graphic details of any abuse the kids have endured and shared with foster parents, therapists, or any of their CPS workers. Yeah, it is not going to be fun, but it is information we need to know if we are going to be their parents and help them get through the lingering affects of abuse and rejection. We also need to be fully aware (as much as we can) of what we are getting ourselves into and make an informed decision as to if we think these kids will be a good fit for our family.

So I'm in a hurry and not in a hurry all at the same time. Because I know the files are going to be heart-wrenching and I'll cry my way through them. And it is going to be hard. Very hard. And because I know that God's timing is PERFECT. I am going to be able to work limited hours for 3 weeks or so after we get the kids (assuming that is our choice). And God knows exactly what will work best. For all of us.

Just for all of you who are interested in what the process is from now until adoption, here's a summary based on my understanding.
-We get the files to review. If we feel like we want to go forward we will schedule a presentation staffing.
-Presentation Staffing: A meeting with us, Mala (our adoption coordinator), and the kids CPS worker and foster parents over the phone (since the kids are from the Houston region). We get to ask any questions we have and hear first hand the information they have on the kids and basically anything we want to know. We have 24 hours to decide if we want to move forward.
-Pre-placement Visits: This will be the first time we actually get to meet the kids and them meet us. My understanding is that the kids will get to look through our adoption photo-book before we meet so they can learn more about us. There will be three visits with us and the kids before they move in with us. The visits get progressively longer.
-Placement: The kids move in with us and we begin the new normal. Every precaution is made to make the transition as smooth as possible. This is why there is so many information exchanges before the kids meet us. There is a 6 month time period before the adoption is final.
-Adoption: We will go to court, usually in the county the kids are from, and the adoption will be finalized by a judge. Any name changes will be made at the same time. The kids' birth certificates are actually changed to show that we are their parents and their names changed to Fowler. Isn't that cool? They told us at the first meeting (over a year ago) that once you adopt, the kids are more yours than biological children are in many ways. They call the day the adoption is finalized "Gotcha Day."

We are thinking we will get the kids mid to late September, but that could change. So excited to love on our kids!! Christmas this year is going to be so crazy, in the best way possible!

Confusion and Distraction

2011-08-08T22:38:00.002-05:00

Things were going so well and I guess the devil wasn't happy with that. So he had to muddy the waters. Quite honestly, I don't know if God is opening other doors or if the devil is trying to confuse us right now. There are so many emotions going on in my head and I can't seem to wade through them right now. So I am praying for peace. And guidance. And God's will. Because once again I realize I don't have a clue where God is leading or what His perfect will for us is right now. So I have to lean on Him some more (which isn't a bad thing, but definitely something I am having to learn to do.) Don't worry. This is not some huge insurmountable obstacle but it kinda seems like too much of a good thing. And I am left confused and indecisive. And B.J. and I are leaning in opposite directions. Probably because he deals with change better than I do and I was just starting to feel like I knew what God was doing. I guess I should have learned by now that I will never figure Him out or gain control of what He is doing. Because He is God and I am not.

And all of this rambling and thinking may have been unnecessary when we see how things turn out. So for now, I take captive every thought that is contrary to God's Word and wait for God to open and close the doors as only He can.

I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace..."

Dear Baby Fowler,

2011-08-07T16:25:00.004-05:00

I've never met you and yet I already love you. As I was growing up, I always knew I wanted kids, but never dreamed it would be so difficult for us to conceive. I know that God is going to bring you to us in his perfect timing, whether by natural conception, fertility treatments, or adoption. I have been making plans for you for many years. I know that things don't always turn out as we plan, but I pray that God will help me be the best Godly mom I can. I want to show you what it is like to love God with everything and feel him loving you back. I want you to love God and love being involved in church as much as you Daddy and Mommy do. I want you to experience joy and success and know that we are backing you up. I know you will also experience sorrow and disappointment, and we will be there with you. I want you to learn at a young age the importance of spending time with God and memorizing scripture. I want you to learn to lean on God for everything you need. We want you to know we need you as much as you need us. We are waiting for you with open hearts and loving arms. We know God has great plans for you and we are excited to see what He has in store. You will be surrounded by a lot of people who love you and are praying for your safe arrival. I love you and wish you were here with us already. I know that being a Mom will bring new challenges, but I'm ready for us to be a family and to learn together. I want to hold you and cuddle you and teach you all you need to know. I will protect you and care for you as best as I can. Please join us soon. We are waiting.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Written September 8th, 2009

Quirky

2011-08-06T18:04:00.006-05:00

I am not a forgetful person. I pride myself in being to remember birthdays and random facts about people that I am told once. I absolutely love to memorize things, especially just to prove I can. I kind of take it as a challenge and if you know me, you know I love a challenge or competition that I think I can win.

(On a short rabbit trail, I am pretty competitive, but not if I don't have the ability to win. For example, I have never played a team sport besides in P.E. and am not athletically inclined. I will not take you up on a challenge to play a sport because I know that the chances are it won't even be a competition and who really likes being humiliated? Not me. However, if you present me with an academic challenge or something I can reasonable expect to at least be competitive in, I am there. Case & Point: We had a walking challenge at work a few years back. The contest was which team could walk the most steps in a month. So we all got pedometers and logged our steps daily. My team, let just say they weren't as competitive as I was, so I had to carry the weight of the team because I wanted to win. So I did whatever it took. I was constantly walking in place if I was standing up and walking somewhere like 40,000 steps in a single day multiple times. I knew I had the ability to win and definitely did everything in my power to do so. We didn't win, but I was at least competitive in that competition. I am not a sore loser, I just want to be a contender if I'm going to compete, if you know what I mean. Wow, that trail was way longer than I intended.)

So I have a good memory. And I have misplaced something important to me and it is driving me batty. I remember saying, "I'll put it here (wherever "here" is) so I won't lose it." Yeah, obviously, that isn't working out too well for me. I have checked in all the drawers and other places I thought I might have put it to no avail. I only tell you about it at all because I wanted to share it with you. I have seen it not that long ago, so it can't be too far lost, right? So frustrating. I am normally so organized. Hmmmm. Hopefully next time I blog I get to share with you...assuming I find it. I will find it if I have to tear this house apart. Well, not really. I really don't like my house being torn apart.

Someone must be thinking I am quite an odd duck about now. Loving to memorize and being so crazily competitive. If you think that's odd, you should watch me eat a meal, one item at a time, turning the plate as I go. This drives my coworker, Shannon, crazy. But don't be so quick to judge. We all have something weird about us and if you don't, you are in denial or have been hiding it so long, not even you remember. None of us are the same, NONE OF US. And none of us are normal because there is no such thing. God made you just the way you are, including all your quirky habits. So be free to be you, because that's how God made you to be.

Now, back to searching...

Taking a Break

2011-08-01T20:14:00.003-05:00

Today was my post-op appointment with Dr. Le. I was kinda nervous going in. Not because I thought he would tell me anything I didn't know, but because I had made a decision and was afraid that he would make me feel guilty for my choices. I know that it is the doctor's job to do whatever you are paying him to do. For me, I have paid him good money (not that it's about the money) to help us in our struggle to conceive. And it has been his job to guide us, try different drugs and procedures to help us. But today I had to tell him I was changing the game plan. Because after all it is our choice.

So after Dr. Le told me about the more aggressive drugs he wanted to try including three injections to stimulate my ovaries, I told him we were in the process of adopting three kids and wanted to take a break from the drugs and other procedures until that was all settled. And he totally understood and supported our decision. And this is why each of the exam rooms in his offices contain award after award that he has received over the years. Because he is compassionate and this is not just his job. Many women come to him when they are in a very fragile place in their lives. A very emotional journey. And he provides hope and comfort and support. He asked that we keep in touch with him as far as what is going on with us during this break and when we are ready to come back (if we need to come back) we can call him back and we will pick up right where we left off. I cannot express enough how good he made me feel for our decision. Before today, I would have said he was very caring and good at his job, but now I say I love him and would refer him to anyone who was looking for a fertility specialist.

And I start to see all the pieces of my life that have been missing or lost come together. I am starting to see the picture that God has been creating for us and let me tell you, it is amazing!!

On Sunday, one of our friends from church prayed for us. For guidance and peace and wisdom. Against fear of rejection and failure. It was good and exactly what we needed.

Speaking of coming together, I have made a list of all the things I need (or want) to get done before the kids come here, and it is pretty massive. One day at a time, one item off the list at a time. Tonight after work, I got most of school supply shopping done. I have some things they didn't have at Staples, so I'll try to go to Walmart pretty early on Saturday and get the rest done hopefully. And on Saturday, the kids bedrooms are being painted by our friend Jason. A while back he told us he felt like God wanted him to paint the kids rooms when we got our kids and knew what we wanted. We are so grateful for the help, and quite honestly, no matter how much I wanted the rooms to be painted, I sure didn't want to paint them myself, so I am thrilled to get some help. We are buying another bed and bedding to match the one here as well as a 5 drawer chest for the girls room. Obviously, we are buying a lot more at some point, but right now I am focusing on the basics. First things first. Get the rooms painted and closets cleaned out.

Oh my, the list is so long. But we have time and God will help me to prioritize what needs to be done now and what can wait. Most people get 9 months to plan for kids rooms and such. We are getting something like 6-8 weeks. Lovely! But it'll all get done. It just may not be as perfect as I would want, but that's okay. They are kids and as long as we can love them, they'll be fine.

So many people have asked what we need and what sizes the kids wear, so I'll answer here by saying that we don't know what we need yet or their sizes. We are more than happy to accept help, but I really don't want to become the collector of all things people are trying to get rid of that our kids may or may not need. When I find out more, I'll try to put some sort of list together, so if you want to help you can. Trust me when I say, please don't feel obligated, but since many have asked, I thought I should address it here.

Mommy

2011-07-29T23:14:00.003-05:00

It is so surreal. I am really going to be a mommy. It really hasn't sunk in. Through this journey there have been multiple times when I would see the e-mail broadcast of kids from our adoption coordinator and wish and dream. We would submit for them and move on like we were told to do. But in the back of my mind I would plan and wish and dream and hope they would be ours. I always felt kinda foolish for all the plans I made for kids that we will never meet. I never really told anyone about my plans, but those wheels in my head were definitely turning. So I have learned to be reserved and cautious as we move forward one step at a time. I was protecting myself, or trying to. I didn't think I could endure one more let down, another disappointment.

So we find ourselves in a situation where the only reason we won't get these kids is if we decide they aren't a good fit. And yet I can't go for it with total abandon, but I am hesitant to call them our kids. To say something that has the possibility (no matter how slight) of not being true. Maybe once I cry my way through their file it will be real to me. I have a list a mile long of things I'd like to get done with their rooms and other things that need to be done before they come to live with us. But I can't get in the groove to actually get anything done. Those kids deserve all of me, so please pray that I can give myself away wholeheartedly to them, for their cause. This is new territory for us and we need strength and wisdom to keep moving forward.

Never the Same

2011-07-26T08:53:00.004-05:00

I hate spiritual hype. Experiences are great and excitement is good, but if the end result is the same as before the experience, it is a waste of emotion to me. I don't want to go to a great service and get all pumped up like at a pep rally if ultimately tomorrow I will be the same person. I want to experience God in all his fullness and leave changed. So this week our youth are at church camp and my prayer for them is "Never the same, Lord. Never the same in you." Great things can happen at church camp, but often there is so much hype, the "change" experienced is based on something that isn't real so when you return home, every thing is the same. Not this year. I am expecting God to change them in a way that is so real they will never be the same.

Speaking of change, I have been undergoing a makeover of sorts myself. I don't know how many of you know me apart from this blog, but I am not the same person I used to be. Three years ago I unknowingly started a journey I never intended to walk on. But God knew all along that I needed it. I needed my faith to be tested. And I have learned with my heart, with the core of my being, all the things I knew in my head to be true of God. Faithful. Compassionate. Loving. Provider. Friend. Father. And the journey isn't over yet. He is stretching me in ways I never wanted to be and I'm loving every moment of it. God is just so good.

And in case you don't follow me or B.J on facebook, today we were selected to adopt a sibling group of three kids. Honestly, I am in shock. It's just been so long waiting, it's hard to believe now that we finally see what God's plan is (or kinda understand a piece of his plan anyways). And at the same time I am not surprised. Because I know my God, I kinda saw this coming. In November I really thought these were our kids, so we submitted for them and never heard anything back. It was okay. They were the first kids that really seemed to fit what we wanted for our family. And then in the spring we got involved with foster kids who we hoped to adopt and that didn't pan out. But God was teaching us. He was letting us get some experience with kids with similar needs as ours, we just didn't know it. And God brings everything full circle by bringing our kids back to us. It's a story of completion and redemption, showing me that He knows exactly what He is doing. (Why do we ever doubt him?)

Now the only thing between us and our kids is us. In the next couple of weeks, we will get to see their files which contain everything CPS knows about our kids and their case. Honestly, there is not much that we can read about these kids that will deter us from adopting them. I can't speak for B.J. but I KNOW this is right where we are supposed to be.

I asked Mala what happened between when we first submitted for these kids and when we got the broadcast again in late July and why it seemed like they were just hanging in the system for six months. Before she told me the details, she said, "Because they are your kids." Yeah, I don't care what the details are or how someone wants to explain it away. I call it God. And He is faithful!

7, 6, & 4, oh my!

2011-07-22T22:02:00.002-05:00

We found out yesterday that we made it to staffing for another set of siblings, three of them. These are the kids we first submitted for in November of 2010. We never heard about them and put them in the back of our minds and hearts and moved forward. They are also the kids we got another broadcast of right after D&N moved into their uncles. So maybe these are the kids we were supposed to have all along. And maybe not. I don't know and I am totally okay with that.

This week I feel like I have had a major spiritual breakthrough. It kinda started when the doctor found absolutely nothing in my surgery last week. Nothing. He said everything was perfect. And I remember getting prayed for very early on in our struggle to conceive (about 5 months in) and the first thing she said was that there was nothing wrong with me or B.J. Now, I really trust this lady and I know that God speaks through her and to her. But I took it at face value and kept praying and waiting. This is what I usually do when God speaks through people because I know that 1)people miss God and 2) if it's really God, he'll confirm it to me. That is part of the reason it took me over 2 years to see a fertility specialist. Part of me really thought that it just wasn't God's time and yet part of me wanted answers. So fast forward...everything is perfect and I remember that God is in control and not me and it just isn't his time.

God gave me Psalm 37 to stand on and I am in the process of memorizing it. The entire chapter is listed in the post below if you want to look at it. There are several things he has shown me.

1-"Do not fret" - This is used numerous times in this passage. But the part that stands out is that every time God says don't fret because of other people. The reason we worry is because we are looking at other people and not at God. We compare. We get jealous, envious of others when they get what we think we rightfully deserve. If we would just stop looking at everyone else and look to God, we wouldn't worry nearly as much. As far as how that applies to me, I am not everyone else. There used to be this poem my mom read to me that had a line that said something like "I am me and you are you. I don't smile or talk like you. I don't even walk like you. Because God made one of me, not two." I am not Jill. I love my sister to death, but we are not the same person and God's plan for her includes having a baby in 2 weeks (which I am pretty excited about). God's plan for me is different and that is okay. And I don't need to worry about it. Besides, I am only 28. It's not like I am in my late 30s trying to conceive. I am still young and when God gets good and ready and we have made it through the preparation time He is giving us, then we will conceive. Simple as that.

2 - "Trust" "Wait" - Yeah this is a pretty common theme of my blog posts so I won't go into it any further than to say that when I see these words my immediate response is "Yes, God. I know."

3 - "I have never seen the righteous forsaken." - God is not a god that promises and does not deliver or speaks and then forgets about His kids. He's just not that way. And now is not the time that he will start that. He has not forsaken me and has no plans of that happening in the future. I am not the exception. God will not, can not forsake me.

4 - "inherit the land" - This speaks of God fulfilling his word. Like the Israelites who finally after 40 years of preparation received the promised land of Canaan. Many times in this scripture there is direction and instruction from God and the result is that I will inherit the land. This is hope. Just because I am not stressed or worried about conceiving doesn't mean that I don't think it will happen some day. It will. But God has given me more promises than just that. And I know he will keep his word. It's just his way.

I am choosing to enjoy the journey to wherever God is leading. I don't have a clue right now, and that is totally okay. When God wants me to know, he'll tell me. In the meantime, I will get as close to God as I can and I will keep doing the things he has called me to. Because his promises are more that what will happen one day, but they include strength and joy to make it day after day.

Psalm 37

2011-07-20T09:00:00.003-05:00

¹ Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
The LORD’s enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,
they will vanish—vanish like smoke.

²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
²² those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be cut off.

²³ If the LORD delights in a man’s way,
he makes his steps firm;
²⁴ though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.

²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.

They will be protected forever,
but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
²⁹ the righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks what is just.
³¹ The law of his God is in his heart;
his feet do not slip.

³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
seeking their very lives;
³³ but the LORD will not leave them in their power
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

³⁴ Wait for the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a green tree in its native soil,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.

³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
there is a future for the man of peace.
³⁸ But all sinners will be destroyed;
the future of the wicked will be cut off.

³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Boy Room

2011-07-16T13:52:00.006-05:00

Finally got around to getting the bed set up in our third bedroom for a boy. If you'll remember from this post, getting all of the bed was quite an ordeal. The rails were delivered while we were on vacation, so today my parents came over to put up our new kitchen light and set up the bed while they were here. I helped a little, but am really trying to be careful since I did just have surgery ya know. We are leaving the rooms pretty basic (bed & bedding but nothing else) until we actually have kids so we can adjust the rooms to fit them. So here's a pic of the boy room.

I also had a few special visitors today. Bethany and Alyssa came to visit and check on me and I managed to get a picture of that sweet girl.

She has really grown up and is coming out of her shell since I last watched her. We played with books and this kitchen/cooking set I have. We really should get together more often since they live only 6 houses down the road. I always say that and then it never happens. I guess I just have a lot going on right now.

Surgery Update

2011-07-15T21:51:00.003-05:00

So the surgery went well today. It really wasn't a big deal at all. I convinced them to let me keep my contacts in (since I sleep in them anyway and am really blind without them), and was so happy I did. (Thanks Dondi for letting me know I could ask!) The IV didn't bother me at all as I kinda feared it would freak me out. (In the past I have been known to get squeamish and freak myself out to the point of fainting and/or vomiting. It is not pretty, and it's been a while so maybe I've outgrown it or just learned not to watch.) All the nurses and doctors were really nice. The anesthesiologist introduced himself as the one who was going to give me a nap. He was the much needed comic relief and made me feel comfortable and relax. Once he gave me anesthesia, they started rolling me down the hall and I remember saying, "This stuff works fast" as I was starting to get dizzy already. And the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery. I was shivering and my throat hurt from the tube. Those heated blankets are wonderful! I need a blanket warmer at home (oh, I guess that would be a drier. duh!). My mom and BJ came back shortly and told me Dr. Le said everything looked perfect. He said now he is comfortable being more aggressive with the meds for the next cycles. That is good and bad at the same time. I really wanted them to find something, so it could be fixed, but I am thankful nothing needed to be done because that means my recovery will probably be easier.

All day I pretty much laid in bed reading and playing on my phone. I was able to sleep from about 1 -6 off and on, but was really unable to eat anything as sitting up made me nauseous, or cramp or a combination of the two. The weirdest thing is that I have shoulder pain. Apparently the gas they put in me to be able to separate the organs easily causes shoulder pain after the fact. I think its funny that I had pelvic surgery and have shoulder pain. That is going to be fun to explain in the next few days. :) So about 9, after laying in bed trying to solve the boredom for 3 hours or so I tried to get up again and eat something. I am now on the couch, watching TV, and playing on the computer. I am feeling better than I have felt yet, so hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow a new woman. I am eating pickles and may pop some popcorn. I know it isn't the healthiest choice, but at this point I am eating anything I can that sounds good because I am starving. I haven't eaten really since last night. Tomorrow I get to take off the band aids and get a shower. I am really curious to see how small the incisions are. I guess when you have never had surgery, everything is interesting to you. :)

Today we submitted our home study for another sibling group. They are 3 and 2 and the oldest is a girl, youngest a boy. They have birthdays soon in the fall so they will both be the oldest kids in their grade levels at school. They are both classified as basic. (All kids come into the system as basic and then over time based on foster parent and therapist observation, can get moved to higher levels such as moderate or therapeutic as determined by their physical, mental, and emotional needs.) From the small amount of information we know, my only hesitation comes from the fact they are only 13 months apart. Once again, just putting ourselves out there and waiting to see if it's God's kids for us. And God is able to provide what we need to meet the needs of these kids if this is his plan.

On a separate note, read a really good blog by a friend today about giving up control to God. Although the circumstances are different, the sentiment is the same as mine has been, so I can definitely relate. You may enjoy reading her perspective here.

It's Just Not His Time

2011-07-14T19:57:00.004-05:00

So we didn't get selected for the kids. And we are okay with it (not that there really is any other option. I guess we could pout and throw a fit, but that is just not us as this stage of the game.) After talking with the Mala and Heather, these particular kids were going to be a lot to handle. I know that all kids are a lot to handle, and we could have handled it I'm sure, but it just wasn't what God has for us. I think watching D & N made me stronger and there is a lot more that I can handle than what I previously thought. Certain diagnosis don't scare me like they used to. I've seen kids from tough places who have been through horrendous things and what love, prayer, consistency, and therapy can do for them. A lot. Those kids are not hopeless.

I have surgery tomorrow at 10am. I am having a laparoscopy done. My doctor decided we had done all we could with clomid (without further damage to the lining of my uterus) and wants to do this surgery tomorrow. Basically they go in through a small incision with a camera and look inside my pelvis to see what is going on. He is looking for cysts, fibroids, endometriosis and anything else that may be causing problems in there. If he sees anything and he thinks removing it will further our chances for conceiving, he will remove it. I'm not sure if I want him to find something so it can be taken care of or not find anything. I guess I'd rather know something as long as it is fixable and know nothing if it is a death sentence. Am I high maintenance or what?

I have never had surgery so I am a little nervous. I will be totally under, which I am totally okay with, once they get me there. It is during the "getting there" that I am trying to not freak myself out. Let me tell you that when I do get pregnant (and I will), all the things I have feared about hospitals and needles and IVs and all the other normal stuff will be a piece of cake. I guess I am getting experience I never knew I needed. :)

So, yeah, I really didn't want to get to the place where we needed to do surgery to see what's going on. We have the money to pay for it all, but it isn't exactly my first choice in use of these funds. I really never thought I would be where I am, but guess what? I am so I choose to make the best of it (if that is possible when you are dealing with undiagnosed infertility issues).

So if you think about it tomorrow, say a little prayer for me. For the doctors. For the discovery. For the recovery. For peace while the rain is pouring because that is exactly how I feel right now.

On a side note, kinda, I read this blog today and loved how she described what God being faithful does not mean. Yep, I can totally relate to this today.

I'll try to update as to what they find or don't find sometime this weekend...when I feel up to it.

Holy Kids Batman

2011-07-06T22:26:00.003-05:00

Just a short post to update you on adoption happenings. Today we received an e-mail from our adoption coordinator letting us know that we had made it to the staffing for a set of siblings. For you people not in the whole adoption world, this means we were selected as one of the 3-5 families that would be considered for a group of siblings. This is the first time we have made it to this point in the process, so we are excited. The kicker is that our adoption coordinator submitted us for these kids without us even knowing about the kids or asking her to. Before you let that freak you out, the kids are a really good fit for us (based on what we know about them) and we can always say no at any point in the process before the adoption is final. Based on my observation only, it appears that a decision had to be made very quickly on her part and she probably figured it was better to submit us and nothing come of it than to not submit us when we could be these kids' potential forever family. The kids are 5 and 3 and the oldest is a girl and the youngest a boy.

So please don't stop praying. Yes, the circumstances are changing all the time, but the prayer is the same, "God, please let your will be done in this situation." We believe that as we are obedient and available He will have His will in our family.

Vacation in Colorado

2011-07-04T14:50:00.011-05:00

As I said in the previous post, we just got back from vacation on Friday and really had a good relaxing time. Let me start by saying we are lazy vacationers. We plan maybe one thing per day (if we aren't visiting family) and plan to sleep in and generally relax. Some of you may be thinking that is the way vacation is, but you haven't vacationed with my dad. He doesn't like to waste a single minute and we were always running here and there the entire time when I was growing up. For example, in one weeks time we did San Francisco, California beaches (Morrow Bay area), visited family, drove up Hwy 1 ( I was able to skip this) and go to the East side of CA to visit Yosemite National Park. Ridiculous! So we have chosen to be lazy vacationers and do a few things, but generally spend our time relaxing.

We decided to go to Colorado for vacation because my family was having a big 60th Wedding Anniversary celebration for my Grandparents. While all the family was there, we generally visited and hung out with them since we don't see them very often. After every one else left on Monday and Tuesday, my grandparents took us up to Trail Ridge further into the mountains. Besides that we played games and visited.

On the way home, BJ and I went white water rafting and zip-lining in southern Colorado. Look at those rapids and clouds. Beautiful!

It was a lot of fun even though we were both apprehensive of the rafting. I had been zip-lining before in Cozumel so I was excited, but BJ was nervous. This half day white water rafting, half day zip-lining trip was a compromise between BJ and I, but I think we both enjoyed both activities. We were in the back of our raft, one on the left and one on the right. (The guide had us switch mid ride probably to even out the strength on both sides, so which side each of us is on changes.)

We were in a group of three rafts and for the most part, we were the middle boat. It was exciting and oh so much fun! The most exciting part was when the raft in front of us lost three passengers and paddles in a rapid and we did a rescue mission. We picked up one person and one paddle out of the rapids and the third boat did the same. It wasn't nearly as bad since we were on a milder rapid, but it was still an adventure. We will definitely be rafting again, maybe on a river with more or stronger rapids. Heidi, our guide, said the main difference as far as levels is how close the rapids are together. Generally on the harder trips, there is less time to recover between rapids so if there is a rescue situation, it is more serious. After we got back from rafting, we grabbed a quick lunch and then it was off to ziplining. BJ was pretty nervous about this.

After he made the first step off of the platform, he learned that it is a lot of fun and not nearly as scary as he thought. You'll have to know that BJ is not much of an adrenaline junky (as opposed to me) so I am thrilled we both enjoy something that is slightly adventurous. He won't ride roller coasters with me (or most of the them anyway) so theme parks are not an option for us until we have kids who I can convince to ride the fun rides with me.

BJ and I kinda have a running joke as to what activity we will plan our vacations around. So now the list has been expanded to include para-sailing (for me), white water rafting, and zip-lining. I guess once we have kids we will plan the family vacations around them and what they would enjoy doing, but until then, we will plan around fun adventures. Overall, we had a blast and enjoyed our much needed vacation from all the emotional toil we've been going through.

Back to grind tomorrow. I am praying I have the desire to actually get some work done. Coming back from vacation is hard sometimes, but we all have to do it. :)

And We're Marching...

2011-07-02T12:08:00.003-05:00

We just got back from a relaxing and fun vacation in Colorado. I plan to post pictures of that, but will do that in a separate post. Onto the meat of the matter.

They're gone. The kids we had hopes of adopting have been placed with an uncle. Even though we only had them for 6 weekends over the past 4 months, we love them so much. And ultimately we want what is best for them. I won't debate whether this is the best option for them as it wasn't my decision to be made, and quite honestly, my opinion doesn't matter. Yes, we were crushed when we learned things were moving in this direction because we really thought they were meant to be our kids. But I have been saying from the beginning that we only want the kids God has for us and his perfect will and not what I think is the perfect option. Once again, my opinion counts for nothing because God is the one in control. We are okay, really we are. Yes I am going to miss their smiling faces and will think of and pray for them often, but it was good for us to get this experience. To realize we can handle this with God's help. I am not in over my head.

And so I feel like the Israelite children, wandering in the desert, looking for the land God has promised. Learning how to trust and depend solely on God and not my experience or intuition. Learning to wait well. Learning patience and surrender. Hopefully we won't be wandering for 40 years (in a somewhat aimless direction) as the Israelites did. (ha!ha!)

Looking back, I think God allowed me this time so I would have a glimmer of hope breaking through the clouds of hopelessness I have been living under. (I am not saying that all moments of my life are gloomy, but we have been in a time of waiting when there is no end in sight and it can get kinda dark under here.) I know God was giving me a smile and joy in the middle of the storm. When my sister came to visit in May, I am pretty sure it would have been totally unbearable to see her pregnant and participate in all the baby shower festivities without the distraction of my kids. So I am thankful for the experiences we shared with them and wouldn't take back a single day, even if I knew they would ultimately be placed with family and not us.

So we consider them our first kids and will never forget them. I hope that we are able to somehow keep in touch with them if only through being able to send birthday cards every year. I am not sure if this is even possible or an option. I am willing to let go, but want them to know that they aren't forgotten if they ever feel like they need to be able to reach out to someone.

When one door closes another one opens. Just as we were getting this devastating news, we were sent a profile of some kids we have seen before. It is the first set of siblings we applied for in November. We are submitting for them again, and keeping our eyes open to see what God has for us.

And we're marching forward to God's perfect will for our family.

Coincidence or Not

2011-06-09T14:35:00.006-05:00

I don't know what you believe, but I don't believe in luck or coincidence. When things happen that seem unlikely, I call that God's hand and God's favor and not being lucky. Because God knows exactly what is going to happen in my life way before I do.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

On Monday we got what we perceived as devastating news. My heart was broken. Yes, I chose to trust God through the tears and confusion, but the circumstances looked bleak at best. And the tears kept coming for the better part of the evening and into Tuesday and whenever someone asked what was wrong. (On a side note, doesn't that just make you cry again? Maybe sometimes its good not to ask even if you do care. Just a thought.) So we kept on praying as did a ton of other people. God wasn't surprised even though we were. We chose to trust when it didn't look good and on Friday, the situation changed and God reminded us once again that he is in control. (Right, Heather?) It never changed, but God was letting us realize no matter how great our intentions and plans, we are not God and we can't change a thing. We are only his servants and we can pray His will is accomplished. Sometimes, I think he is just testing us to see where our faith lies, in our plans and schemes or in Him.

I am glad that every single day, significant or not to me, were planned for me before I was even created. It's not chance or luck, but God's will that controls what goes on in my life as I am faithful to him.

Against Hope

2011-06-06T20:41:00.004-05:00

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." ~ Romans 4:18

Do you know what it feels like to be without hope? Today feels a little like that for me. But just like Abraham, I choose to have hope when it seems silly and useless. And I will also receive the promise God has made to me.

Sunday, church was really good. I just sat in God's presence and felt so refreshed and strengthened there. And today I realized why God provided that place of refreshing.

Because today has been rough. I started the day making a statement of faith about the great week I was expecting. And then the roof fell in. One tile at a time. The circumstances look frustrating at best, but God doesn't change. And I choose to be like Abraham today and every day until I see God's promises fulfilled in my life.

Wasted Years

2011-06-04T22:55:00.003-05:00

When you are a planner, like I am, and your plans don't work in your time, it is hard to think there aren't years that were wasted. When B.J. and I got married over 7 years ago, I asked him when he wanted to have kids and his response was "I just don't want to be an old dad." We were 24 and 21 when we got married, so I figured I wouldn't have any problem making sure he had kids before he was "old". (Whatever that means. It is all so relative.) Well, he is now 31 and I'm 28 so I feel like I may not be able to meet that stipulation. Not that B.J. is mad or anything like that because he knows we can't control what is going on with us right now.

If it were up to me, and it apparently is not, we would have 2 kids by now or at least one and one on the way. But God has different plans and I am totally okay with that. However, there are days when I think about the wasted years. Where would we be if this whole journey of having a family was easy and quick for us? I have a friend who perfectly planned all three of her pregnancy to have each of her children in June so her husband (a teacher) could be off with her after the babies were born. Sometimes I envy her. And then I remember God's plan is perfect. It isn't plan B because plan A didn't work. Sometimes I think we think God has a backup plan. If we could just get it into our heads and hearts that his first plan is perfect and will be accomplished, that might just change our theology a bit. Back to wasted years. I read this verse the other day and it resonated with me (another way of saying the Holy Spirit hit me between the eyes with the truth in it.)

Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten."

Isn't that awesome? God is aware that we feel like time has been wasted and we are still waiting and he has promised to repay us for our time of waiting when we don't see the promise yet, but are just trusting him faithfully. In Sandra's translation, it says, "Don't worry about it. I'll make it up to you and it'll be worth the wait. The times of wanting and needing and not seeing provision, I'll reward you for holding on against hope and against reason." So I think I'm going to make this my new verse of promise to hold on to.

So here's to another week, another month, another year of waiting. Not hopelessly, or for some magic moment, but on God, who knows exactly what he is doing and when his perfect time will come. Because God sees the waiting period and he will repay me for what I view as wasted years.

Progress

2011-05-28T18:55:00.004-05:00

So I can't remember what I post about and what I don't, and don't feel like looking back to see. We decided we would buy twin beds, mattresses, and bedding for our two spare rooms. We are setting up one for a boy and one for a girl. We don't really know what kids God is going to give us, but figured this was a place to start. Besides, the kids come and visit us once a month and their current sleeping arrangements are temporary at best.

So we bought boy bedding a month ago or so and finally found a bed about a week and a half ago and ordered it. It is supposed to be delivered in the next 10 days (which seems really vague to me, but I guess we'll know more as delivery gets closer). We originally bought a bed off of craigslist for the girls room and last weekend we bought mattresses and box springs for two twin beds. (I have an obsession with box springs and really didn't want to buy a twin bed that would not accommodate the mattress/box spring set). I also bought girl bedding and it was delivered Wednesday. I set up the bed and put the mattress on it last weekend to discover the bed must be a twin XL bed because the mattress is not big enough. We ran the idea past my dad to see if he thought it was worth the effort to see if we could make it work and find some way to make it smaller, and since he didn't think so and I really wanted the extra 5-6 inches back for the already small room, we decided to sell the original bed purchased on craigslist and buy another one for the girls room. So I found a bed I liked, ordered it yesterday. Well today, someone came and purchased the other bed we were selling and the girls bed got delivered. So we have the girls room all set up, at least until we adopt kids and can adjust the room to make it fit them specifically. So here's a picture of the progress:And just so you know, I put the bed together by myself since I actually enjoy that kind of stuff more than B.J does. Besides everything these days is really easy to put together, assuming you have all the instructions and parts.

Also, we have the kids for the weekend and just for the record, they are hilarious. You should have heard D "babying" N who is only 18 months younger while trying to help her play the Wii. Hilarious! High pitched "baby talk" voice and everything. The funniest part is that he was getting frustrated that she wouldn't let him help her. This is the same kid who told his foster mom that fishing was too hard since he couldn't get it on the first try or so and wouldn't let B.J. help him.

I had to sympathize with D when he was getting frustrated with N for messing up something that he had just organized and cleaned up. I told him I totally understood his frustration, as I feel like that is the story of my life, but it was okay and he could clean it up when she was done playing. He was satisfied.

I seriously think kids are my stress relief. Seriously! Huge smile!

The Dark Side

2011-05-26T09:12:00.004-05:00

For the most part, I am faithfully trusting God to provide for us as far as kids are concerned. He knows exactly what we need and what his plan is for us. His plan is perfect and I have to tell myself this every day since obviously things have not got the way I planned for them to go. :) It took me a long time to get to this place, but I am for the most part hopeful in God's plan.

But as it is with most struggles, there is always a dark side, a valley of the shadow of death so to speak. You never realize how many people in your life are pregnant until you are the one who isn't and long so badly to be. I have seen friends conceive more than once and have multiple kids in the course of time we have been trying to conceive (TTC) and are yet to get a single positive pregnancy test. People who "accidentally" got pregnant or who don't really want to be pregnant but find themselves in that situation don't understand those who are wanting this so badly but to no avail. And you see those people who really shouldn't be parents but are and you compare yourself. I would do a better job then that, but God gave them kids. It's not fair! I know it's not pretty and I have to ask God to forgive me for thinking that way, but its the truth.

I think one of the reasons this has been so difficult is that I have never really had a struggle of this magnitude. God has been so faithful to us to provide us with everything we need plus some in every area of our lives but this one. And I am very grateful, but often find myself wishing I could "accidentally" conceive.

And I think about all the money I wasted on birth control for almost 5 years. (Sometimes I am way too practical for my own good. I am fully aware that it is possible that we could have conceived over that time period had I not been on birth control and I don't think I would have wanted that either, but you can't help but think it was a waste.)

And I think about the people who I have disappointed. B.J.'s parents who moved down here 2 years ago to help take care of the grand-kids that still don't exist. And my parents. And my sister who wanted nieces and nephews before they moved away to Chicago. No one has ever blamed me or told me they were disappointed with me, but my mind runs away with me sometimes. I am my worst critic.

And you get prayed for so many times by people with great intentions. I am not down-playing the power of prayer and I am fully convinced that God answers prayer, but sometimes you feel like they are only praying because they feel bad for you. I don't want to be that person everyone pities.

But there is sunshine peaking through the clouds of doubt and despair. Because "He who promised is faithful." Most of the time, I choose to spend my days in the sunshine and not the shadow. Because life goes on. No, I am not going to give up and declare our situation hopeless, but I refuse to waste this time of my life by focusing on what I do not have YET. God is still using me as a teacher, as a worship leader, as a friend now and I can't miss those opportunities. I can't sit in the corner and mope my way through this valley because what kind of life is that? I choose to keep moving forward. Growing closer to God daily. Allowing him to fill me with his love and use me for his glory. And quite honestly, I have a lot of going on and I choose to be distracted. No, I'm not filling my time so I will be distracted, that is just the life I have chosen. Giving myself fully to everything God has called me to now, in the valley, and not waiting for someday to start giving myself.

If you read my blog regularly, you know I was able to speak at our church's Mother's Day banquet a few weeks ago and I really feel like God used me. From the outside perspective, having a lady who isn't a mother speak at a Mother's Day banquet isn't the norm. But God spoke to me for them and used me to share his love with them. Secretly, I think God is getting me ready for ministry opportunities that are beyond my wildest dreams. So I'll be faithful and keep listening as he speaks and obeying his words.

There is hope. I see it, I feel it, I choose it. And so I press on hand in hand with my supportive husband and God. We will make it through this. God has never left my side and this time is not going to be the exception.

The Whole Truth

2011-05-25T22:05:00.003-05:00

So, I have debated for about three months as to whether I would be totally open and forthcoming about some of my struggles on my blog. On one hand, it really is no ones business and on the other, there is comfort in being transparent and sharing your struggles with others who relate. I think that everyone who reads my blog knows at least some of what I've decided to share, so it shouldn't come as a shock to most. Let me say I am not sharing to gain sympathy or pity, but just to be honest and hopefully be able to help someone in their struggle.

I've always had a plan for my life. (I feel like I've almost read this exact sentiment in numerous blogs, so maybe God is trying to teach us all something.) We got married in 2004 and decided that I would finish graduate school before having children. I knew that school would only take more time with kids in tow. Fast forward to fall 2008. We decided to start trying to conceive, so I went off of birth control and I basically thought I'd be pregnant in a couple of months. When things didn't happen right away, I just figured it was the stress so I tried to not think about it as everyone told me to just relax. It's like going on a diet. The minute you can't have something you want it more so trying to not think about it drove me to insanity. I started temping every morning and charting my temps to determine what my cycle was doing and try to more accurately pinpoint my ovulation days each month. For someone who always tries to control things, this tripled my stress as every day after ovulation I'd obsess about my temperature and compare my chart to others and how often someone with a similar chart was pregnant and it never ends. Total craziness! In 2010, I casually took clomid 6-8 cycles as instructed by my OB/GYN and half the time it caused me to ovulate and others it didn't. I later learned that clomid sends a signal to your brain to produce a chemical that causes you to ovulate. If you stress (if you know me, there really isn't an "if" in this statement) you can block the signal to your brain and the clomid is useless. No bueno. So in July of 2010 we started looking at other options. I really believed that God was going to give us biological children, so I wasn't really interested in fertility treatments at that time. God had clearly spoken to us about adoption, so we started to pursue that avenue as you can read about here.

So in January my OB/GYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist whom we love! We had general testing done and everything came back pretty normal. They did determine that I had borderline hypothyroidism, and I was put on a synthetic hormone to correct that. I learned that many times, if your thyroid isn't working properly, it can cause fertility issues. Dr. Lee said that if we weren't trying to conceive he wouldn't even worry about the thyroid, but since that can cause early miscarriage and other issues, he'd rather be safe and correct it. I have since been diagnosed with ovulatory dysfunction, which I think is the general category they put everyone that doesn't have PCOS or endometriosis or some other diagnosis or disease that has a name. (That is totally my uneducated opinion.) We have done three monitored cycles that included clomid to cause the follicles (eggs) to mature, synthetic estrogen to help with the lining of the uterus, ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation, and progesterone to help sustain a pregnancy if I conceive.

So sometimes I feel like a medical experiment. Yes, the doctors know what the drugs are supposed to do and monitor to see if they do their job, but really it is still a shot in the dark as to if I conceive or not. We can give me the best chance, but God is still in control. I guess this is one of the reasons I am okay with going to a specialist. Before we decided to go, I had to make sure this was what I wanted and where I felt God was leading us. I don't mean to get into a debate, but I really don't want to be "playing God" and I was concerned that fertility treatments may go there. So far, I am okay and I think that I have enough strength to tell the doctors no if they suggest something I am not comfortable with.

So, yes, we are pursuing adoption and yes I am doing fertility treatments and I know that we could end up with all of our kids at once and I am okay with that if that is what God wants for us. He won't give me more than I can handle, so I've decided he knows I can handle more than I think I can. I don't plan on updating the blog every month as far as the meds I am on and where I am in the cycle. When we get pregnant (and I fully believe that is God's plan, the timing is what is up in the air), and I feel that we can safely share that information on here I may share what we did during that cycle. I may share later in the week the emotional side of this journey and the things I've struggled with over these almost 3 years. Let me end by saying, I don't see the end and I don't know how all of this will transpire, but I do know that my God is faithful and is perfectly planning our lives for us. Actually, he planned this all before the creation of the world and now we will faithfully wait to see his plan.

Whose Battle Are You Fighting?

2011-05-24T22:45:00.005-05:00

It's been a little while since I "preached" at my readers so I thought now was as good a time as any. (I used the term "preached" very loosely and just so no gets unnecessarily offended, please know that I periodically come back to some of these blogs and read them, so maybe this is more for me to read and refer to later than any of you to know.)

On a side note, can I just say that I love the fact that God's word is alive? It's not just like reading a novel or magazine, but God uses his word to speak directly to his kids. I read my Bible every night with the expectation that God is going to speak to me, and with very little exception, he does. It is just amazing to me.

Have you ever fought a spiritual battle? It could be a struggle over relationships, illness, or God's plan just to name a few. You fight and you fight and you call out to God and you cry and you seek direction and you wear yourself out in the process. Fighting isn't bad and sometimes God calls for us to stand up and fight for the faith as we are his representatives. But often we fight without reason. Yes, there is a struggle and yes there is a purpose you want to see accomplished, but sometimes, we weren't called to fight that fight. I was reading last night in 2 Chronicles 20:15 & 17 and God told King Jehosophat that the battle he wanted to fight wasn't his to fight but God's. Sometimes we want to fight. Not because it is pleasant but because we feel like we are doing our part, like we are contributing, like we are controlling the outcome. (Oh, no not the C word!!) Control. So hard to give up. But often times our job isn't to fight the battle but to "take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you." Take up your positions - I think this refers to determining that you will believe what God has promised. For me, this includes finding scriptures that remind me of God's promises and getting some Biblical support for why I believe God is going to provide in a certain way. Ever had to write a paper trying to persuade someone to believe a certain thing? In the same way, our minds, our hearts, need some support, some proof we can cling to. So we get out our swords (the Bible) and write out or formulate our position. Stand firm - This is why you need those verses, so you have something to stand firm on. This means to be convinced, to be unwavering, let nothing move you. The devil's first line of attack against us is doubt. If he can get you to waver even one tiny bit from what God has promised, he will take advantage of the loophole to the greatest extent possible. You have to convince yourself so you can stand firm. See the deliverance God will provide - This is the last step. There isn't a step that says cry every night and always be struggling with this battle. When the battle isn't yours, no struggle is required. Fighting fights we aren't meant to or prepared for only wears us down. In reality, God is the one who always brings the victory. It's never because you struggled enough or some how earned the win. The way we are supposed to fight is by trusting in the one who has the power to win our battles. That is our piece of the puzzle. Yes, God will call you to pray and he expects us to do this, but prayer doesn't mean you always get all emotional and frazzled and struggle. Sometimes, yes but the fact we aren't getting all emotional and don't feel like we are fighting doesn't mean we've given up but rather given in to God and letting him be God. He is the victor and we are his subjects who faithfully serve him and trust him to bring victory as only he can.

Did you see that Mav's game last night? Ridiculous! They didn't even start playing until there was about 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter and then they ended up winning in overtime. It was crazy!!

Today our cleaning lady started and I already know I am going to love this. She is coming once a month to do general cleaning. I don't have issues keeping everything organized, but honestly, if people aren't coming to my house, things like dusting and vacuuming just doesn't get done. So now, it will all get done once a month and to make it better, the fact that she is coming will make me straighten up stuff once a month as well. It sounds like a win win situation to me. Why did I not do this earlier.

I've been at a conference for a few days so it'll be nice to be back in the office and get some work done. Being out of the office should assure that I have plenty to do the rest of the week before my 3 day weekend. Things are really looking up.

We are in the process of getting twin beds and mattresses and bedding for both of our spare bedrooms. They've been pretty bare, but this will give us better options in the future for respite care and for whatever kids God gives us. We are doing one boy room and one girl room. I'll post pics after all of that is done.

There's a lot going on right now, but vacation is right around the corner and I can feel it...only a month left! Yippee!!

Tales of a Novice Mommy: First Edition

2011-05-17T20:46:00.005-05:00

No, I am not a mom, yet, but I was one for the weekend. We had the kids. I am the first to admit that I don't have a clue what I am doing. Yes, I worked daycare for a few years in college and I work with kids a lot at church, but when you are not used to it, you don't think all the way through your choices before you make them.

Case and Point: On Saturday we were invited to go to Spring Creek at lunch with my sister and the gang before they left to go back home to the Chicago area. We had a gift card, so I figured I would use it. The problem was that B.J. had the card in his wallet and he was at work, so if I wanted to use the card, I had to load up the kids, go see B.J. at work and get it from him. Now, the kids are 4 and 2 so getting in and out of the car isn't as big of a deal as if they were babies. They are really good kids, and are generally very helpful when I ask them to be. The problem started when we walked into Wal-mart. I had decided that I would take the most direct route to sporting goods so we could make this exchange as quick as possible. We went in the end door and started walking to the back. After I proceeded to lead them directly through the toy section I realized this could turn bad very quickly. D decided rather quickly that I should buy him a toy. I told him that wasn't going to happen today and we kept walking. N was happy to just see all the Tinkerbells and Princesses, so no problem there. D didn't really put up a fight, so I figured the issue was over and we proceeded to walk back to sporting goods to find B.J. I got the gift card and when we started walking back to the front of the store, D decided he was mad at me. Not a big dramatic fit kind of mad, but worse. The silent treatment. You know, the kind where they won't talk to you, won't acknowledge what you are saying and refuse to be near you. (I secretly think he's been taking lessons from B.J. because he is the master at the silent treatment.) So, I was basically disowned by a 4 year old at Walmart. I was the mean mommy. I kept my eye on him as N and I walked towards the front. Of course we walked out almost the way we came, so he had to go down the toy aisle again (at this point, I was following him, but giving him some space since he was mad) and this time I saw tears. He was not happy with me, but I had made my decision. Now one thing my mom has taught me is that rewarding kids when they act out or whine is just not an option. I don't want to teach my kids this is how they get their way. I reassured him that I loved him but today the answer was no. He was still silently crying, but he gave me a hug and held my hand as we walked out of the store. About that time, N decided that I should hold her. I told her no, that she was a big girl and she could walk. She doesn't like the word no, as I am sure is true of most 2 year olds so she decided she would cry and throw herself down on the floor in the middle of the doorway. I told her that we were leaving and when she was ready to walk she could join us. Her little fit didn't last long since she saw it wasn't going to work. So for the first time ever, I was that parent. The one everyone is staring at and either laughing at or sympathizing with because they've been there before. And I survived.

Lesson Learned #1: Don't walk the kids through the toy department unless you intend on buying them something or are ready to have that discussion with your 4 and 2 year old, because they will ask you.

I want to publicly apologize to anyone that I gave parental advice to before. I was out of my ever-loving mind to think I had a clue. I really was just trying to help, but I have realized that sometimes there is nothing else you can do but smile. Parenting is a lot easier on paper than in practice. Yes, I can be consistent and I can try everything I know, but sometimes, nothing works. And you have to be able to smile at the situation and go on.

Friday Flashback

2011-05-14T14:45:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I am a blog stalker, but mostly of friends of friends or relatives of friends. Anyway, I am participating in my first Friday Flashback via Jenna's blog. Of course, I would be posting on a Saturday, but Saturday Flashback just doesn't have the same ring. Ha! The topic of the day is your favorite memory at your grandparents house.

One summer my sister and I went to my grandparents house. They lived 12 hours from our house, so we didn't get to do this often. One evening Jill and I decided we would create a restaurant in the basement (with my grandma's help) and invite my grandparents to come dine with us. We made menus where everything except the one item that was actually cooked was way over priced so that they would be encouraged to order what we actually had made (we were very creative kids). So when the time came, my grandparents came to dinner decked out to the nines, kinda. Grandpa was wearing a necktie with a t-shirt, a cane, and a top hat. Grandma had a scarf, pearls and a fancy hat. I think my grandpa began to order something we didn't have that was outrageously priced in some sort of British accent all proper-like. At that point I kept running to the kitchen to "check and see what we had" and I was laughing so hard and trying to keep a straight face. Eventually we made it through dinner service, but it was a sight to see and we were all trying to be so professional but just couldn't keep it together. I smile thinking about that night. Great memories I will remember forever.

Jenna, thank you for this blog prompt. Maybe with your help, I'll actually be able to blog more often than once a month. No promises though.

Surprise!!

2011-05-14T10:56:00.004-05:00

...formerly titled "It's Friday night and it feels so good."

I know its been a while since I blogged but life has been pretty crazy. I guess I should stop calling it crazy since it appears to be my new normal. It's really hard to blog honestly and completely when there are parts of what is going on that you can't freely share or just don't want to. I intend to keep my blog public and so, for now I have to show restraint. Do you know how hard that is for me? I tend to speak and then think, share all the intimate details of my life with people who probably shouldn't know, but for now I'm not ready to open up to the entire world wide web. What people think of me is probably more important to me than it should be and I am not emotionally ready to take harsh criticism right now. So, restraint it is.

I originally almost blogged on Friday May the 6th to share about the Mother's Day Banquet hence the two titles for this blog. It went really well and I really feel like I shared what God had given me and God's word changed people. No matter how the word is deliberated, it always changes people, because it's God's word and not mine.

Isaiah 55:11 "My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do."

So Friday I was feeling so good because it was over and my stress level was down, a lot.

So, on to my topic of the day, surprises. In life a lot of things are about perspective. Being the planner that I am, I like to know what is going on and put it into my schedule. I am learning to go with the flow, but I really think God made me to be a planner for a reason. It is a strength that I can use for God's work. However, the bad side of that is the control I don't like to give up. I am trying to change my perspective and learn to live with the unknown. It's hard for me, but with God's help I'll get there. So I have chosen to see this whole ordeal of waiting and not knowing from one day to the next what is going on from a new perspective. God is the God of surprises, great ones! I don't know when and I don't know what, but one day God is going to surprise me beyond my wildest dreams or imaginations and it's going to be awesome! For now, I'm taking it one day at a time, trying not to dwell on what I don't have or I hope to have, but just waiting for a totally unexpected surprise from the One who takes care of me.

Waiting with a capital W

2011-04-28T20:11:00.003-05:00

Thanks for anyone who was praying for us yesterday. I feel that I owe you some sort of update and cannot leave you hanging (as if you are on the edge of your seat, biting at the bit waiting for this. Ha!) Our day turned out to be less eventful than we hoped. We didn't learn anything new except that we get to wait some more, this time until June 22nd. I have been waiting constantly for two and a half years now and quite frankly, it got old about a year ago. For the most part I have learned to be patient in waiting, but sometimes it just makes me mad. I know, in my head, that God knows exactly what he is doing, but my heart wants answers. On a positive note, we didn't receive unfavorable news, so I guess we can wait a little longer, praying all the way, if it means God is working things out for us. And he is indeed working on our side. Because he is faithful to those who are faithful to him.

This past weekend we watched Mr. D and Miss N again. We have so much fun together and I'm glad we get to watch them as often as we do. This weekend the kids were a more comfortable with us, I think, and showed us their true colors. 4 year old boys are definitely all boy, or at least Mr. D is. Climbing on everything and generally playing rough and hard. Miss N proved to be a 2 almost 3 year old. I taught 2 year olds in daycare, so I was not surprised by her mood. :) Still just the sweetest kids, always bring a smile to our faces. Mr. D and Miss N were quite rambunctious on Saturday, and decided to team up to chase and wrestle BJ and I'm pretty sure they won. I'm just glad it wasn't me because I'm sure I would have bruises and be sore. BJ was a better sport than I would have been. You should have seen the smiles on their faces as they jumped on top of BJ again and again. Silly kids! I think watching them is a stress reliever for me, which is quite the opposite for most people. I guess I'd be the odd duck.

This Saturday is going to be filled with finishing things for Sunday, and the Mother's Day Banquet, and birthday parties. The problem is that when I am not working I just want to lay around and be lazy. And I usually do at least a little of that and my productivity is hindered. Its like I'm fighting against myself. But it all gets done eventually. Ohh, I must remember to buy Mother's Day gifts. It hasn't quite made it on my radar yet. Maybe I should think about that.

We have soooo many shows recorded that we need to watch (but not nearly as many as one of my coworkers who always has about 100 hours recorded). So far tonight we have been able to watch or otherwise clear off 5 one hour shows. This feels like a losing battle. Is anyone else obsessed with getting caught up on recorded TV shows? It really bothers me that we are behind.

I really think the Mavs are going to make it to the finals this year. It sure wouldn't hurt if the Lakers and/or Spurs lose in the first round. If I were superstitious, which I am not, I would say that posting this prior to making it past the first round would jinx us. Somehow the Mavs have mental issues with the playoffs. I don't know how to fix it. Just stating the obvious.

P.S. I think the hardest part about blogging is the feeling like I must transition from subject to subject like a well written novel. So I give up. As random as it is in my head and as rough as it comes to mind, that is how it is coming out unless I am in a particularly crafty mood and wish to expend my energy coming up with clever and eloquent transitions between subjects. Don't expect the extra energy to be exerted any time soon. Just saying.

So Tired

2011-04-20T21:38:00.005-05:00

Emotionally, mentally, physically, totally. I have so much going on in every part of my life right now and I really just need a break from myself. Ha! Thus the reason for my disappearance from the blog world. The other reason I haven't shared is because a lot of the stuff I am not at liberty to or don't want to share at this point. I have thought about writing posts and publishing them when the situation has changed but my total exhaustion has stopped that from happening. My to do list feels like it is a mile long and each weekend I am just doing what has to be done to survive another week and not getting any of my list conquered. Let's see how much I can tell you without telling you. :)

There is activity on the adoption front, kind of. It's really a crazy situation right now and is hard to know what to do so we are just waiting and praying. Let's just say that next Wednesday the 27th will potentially be a big day for us, so we'd love your prayers if you think about it.

We've been pursuing other avenues that maybe we shouldn't push right now, but the door has been opened so that's where we are. I'd guess if you know me, you know what this is about and if you don't you don't. Isn't that fun? Kinda like a challenge.

I am getting the finishing touches done for our annual Mother's Day Banquet at church. It is on May 5th and since I am the Missionette Coordinator, I am in charge of it. Tonight at church we gathered all the decorations that are already at the church that we can use, and so I feel much closer to being ready for that event.

Jill and Sam are coming down here for a week in May and we are going to have a baby shower for them while they are here visiting. It'll be nice to see them since its been since Christmas and she is finally starting to look prego, or so I've heard.

Mavs are doing well in the playoffs. Hopefully this is their year. We'll see.

I am off on Friday and will be getting a few things knocked off my list like getting my oil changed and inspection done on the CRV and getting a pedicure. We are also keeping the same kids as last time again this weekend, so we are excited about that. They are a lot of fun. I really am starting to think that kids are God's way of reminding us to smile and enjoy life more. Yeah, I really need to hear that and stop stressing about every little detail.

Things are crazy, prayer is needed, and God is faithful.

Parents for the Weekend

2011-03-08T19:30:00.004-06:00

Update: I forgot to mention that Miss N was talking about her birthday (which is apparently in 9 hours) and said she was sad the dogs couldn't come to the party because they couldn't wear party hats. Party hats are a very important part of the celebration, you know. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well instead of a 4 year old little boy, we ended up with Mr. D, who is 4 and Miss N, who is 2, this past weekend. Let me say that I was a little apprehensive because I always over-think things and my mind thinks through the worse possible situation. But it was not that way at all.

We picked them up on Friday night at their church and Mr. D was excited from the beginning. Miss N was not so sure about us but Ms. H convinced her that it would be fun and by the time we made it home she was talking up a storm and had forgotten all about being scared or missing her foster-mom.

Saturday Mr. D was up before BJ left for work and Miss N woke up shortly thereafter. We did a lot of fun things including watching Toy Story 2 and Lion King (their choice), playing the Wii (which Mr. D was really good at and Miss N is a little too young to really get it), going to the park, playing with bubbles, and playing princess with Miss N. My parents came over briefly and the kids immediately got a little clingy to me. I wanted them to not be so shy, but it is nice to be the one they want. It just feels good. :)

While my parents were there visiting, Mr. D found this bear that sings a song about fishing and fell in love. He probably pushed the button 50 times and I'm convinced he almost had the song memorized. We found out he'd never been fishing and made a mental note that if we get to watch them again, we may have to find a way for BJ to take him fishing.

Sunday was the most challenging day of the weekend mainly because the kids were surrounded by people they didn't know in a church they didn't know, and both BJ and I are busy in ministry all day. Mr. D went to his Sunday School class and did really well. Miss N, she wouldn't leave me, so I taught with her in my lap. It wasn't that easy, but we made it through. She got pretty attached to Elisha during class and was okay sitting with her during church so I could play the piano. When she couldn't see me, she made sure to tell Elisha. As long as she could see me at the piano, she was okay. She wasn't used to having to be quiet at church, but she did well. Mr. D wouldn't go to children's church, so he sat with BJ in the sound booth for a little while. BJ got him a chair and he was happy to just be sitting by BJ. BJ said Mr. D reached over and gave him a hug while they were sitting back there. Such a sweet little boy.

A couple of our favorite moments from the weekend and things I want to remember:
-Mr. D and Miss N have smiles that are so contagious. Just being with them is sure to make you smile.
-We were in the car driving and Mr. D said " BJ, you are awesome!" So sweet, I tell you.
-Miss N's favorite phrase was "What are you lookin' at?" And when you said you were looking at her, she asks why.
-Those kids love some chocolate milk and they want to stir the chocolate in themselves and tell you they are making the milk turn chocolate. The look on their faces tell you how proud they are of themselves.
-I washed Mr. D's blanket and he loved wrapping up in the warm, just out of the drier, blanket with only his face peaking out.
-As soon as they got there, Mr. D got his toys out of the bag and promptly put them in his closet. He also found a special place to store his DS games. A kid who loves organization. What's not to love?
-And just so you know Miss N is only a princess when she is wearing her princess clothes.

On the way to drop them off, they really didn't want to go home and we heard about it. But as soon as we were there, they ran up to Ms. H and gave her a hug. I just don't think they know it is okay to enjoy being with more than one person. They feel like they have to choose. They were so excited to tell Ms. H about their weekend and to see their "foster siblings." A lot of hugs were given. I know that their "brothers" and Ms. H are glad they are home.

This weekend showed me that I can handle this. We are not getting into more than we can handle, but God is providing strength all the way.

My house sure is quiet now and I miss the kiddos, the hugs, the smiles, and the constant activity. Soon enough, in God's time.

I'm so glad we got to watch them this weekend and I didn't back away because of the fear of the unknown. God is always faithful.

Experiences

2011-02-24T20:17:00.003-06:00

We got a call today from Mala. She is the regional adoption coordinator at our adoption agency. (Breathe. It's not what you think.) So we are going to be giving some respite care for a foster parent in the area in a couple of weekends. We are going to be watching a 4 year old boy over the weekend so the foster mom can get a break. I think we met him before when his foster mother spoke at one of our adoption classes in the fall. We both thought he was the cutest little boy and I wanted to play with him then, so I'm kinda excited.

And here is where I start freaking out. This is when I realize my house is so not ready for a 4 year old boy and I don't have a clue how to handle him. Mala says it'll be a good experience for us and I have to agree with her. Part of me says, "you thought you were going to adopt siblings and you can't handle the thought of one little boy." Somehow it's different mentally, emotionally when the goal is watching a little boy for a weekend as opposed to the potential to adopt a kid.

Yeah, I don't have a clue what I am asking for or what I am getting myself into, but God does.

The adoption front has been quiet for a month or so, and that's okay. Mala actually asked if I thought she forgot about us. If you remember, when this whole adoption process started B.J. and I agreed that we would make ourselves available and God would bring us kids if this was his will. And if not, the kids wouldn't come and the doors wouldn't open. We are still holding on to that and the possibility that God just wanted us to be willing. He does things for reasons beyond our understanding. And sometimes he is seeing how much we trust him and how much we rely on him over what is normal and comfortable for us.

So here come the new experiences and here comes God's hand, providing and helping us when we feel we are in way over our heads.

Figuring Out God

2011-02-14T16:26:00.005-06:00

In life, we learn how to read people. We know their methods and basically we are creatures of habit. We sit in the same place at church, order the same food at each restaurant, and sit in the same place at the dinner table.

So we think we can figure God out the same way. Yes, his motive is always love, and yes God does not change, but our little human minds cannot fully understand him. He is GOD, not man. This week I was reading in the Bible where God did the same thing different ways. There are a lot of examples of this, but one is when God told Moses to strike the rock once and speak to the rock another time and water would flow out of it. We think if God did it one way in the Bible he should do it that way for us, so we expect that and we try and force that to happen. Like Moses did, doing what is normal or what worked before and not listening to what he is saying. And God is just sitting by, trying to teach us to listen and obey him and not do what we are comfortable with or what has worked before. God isn't teaching us to remember what he did before and replicate it, but to seek him, listen, and obey his specific direction for the situation at hand.

So just when we think we have God figured out, we realize he may or may not do things today the way he did them yesterday. Because he is GOD and I am not. No, God is not changing his mind. See, it was in his plan to do things that don't make natural sense so we wouldn't trust what is natural or common , but trust him. It is so much easier to follow the patterns we've always followed, but he is telling us, he is in control and his plan for us is just to listen and obey. Stop comparing how God moved then to now, because God is the one calling the shots and not us.

Hold Me Jesus

2011-02-11T09:07:00.001-06:00

Surrender

2011-02-01T09:50:00.003-06:00

I hate losing, like really hate it. I am very competitive at things I can win. Now, I am not like a little kid who throws a fit when they don't win, but I am generally not satisfied unless I can win. And if I can't win I find a way to train or work at something until I can win. So surrender sounds to me like I am giving up, like I have been unable to conquer something and that doesn't sit well with my natural tendencies to win and achieve anything I set my mind to.

But God is asking for surrender. And not just the tough stuff that we are struggling with. It is easier to give God the stuff that we are uncomfortable with and the struggles. But he also wants to us to give him the things we think we have under control. The things we want. The desires of our heart. The things we've prayed for and seen God bring to us.

Like Abraham and Isaac. Abraham waited and trusted God for a son and when God provided, as he always does, God asked for Abraham to surrender his son. I can imagine praying and waiting for something (I am there right now, actually) and then God fulfills his word and provides that thing. You are elated and excited to see the dream come true and if you aren't careful you let go of God and hold onto that thing. Because it has been your hope for so long. Because you finally have satisfaction. And God asks you to surrender that too. You feel betrayed. Like God has provided just to take it back. It's not fair. But you realize that your true victory, your true freedom, is in surrendering it ALL to God and letting him have his way and lead you according to his will. If you'll remember, God didn't take Isaac from Abraham, but was testing to see if he was devoted to God or his promised child. God is asking for surrender of all and trust in him and his ways. Because God knows more and his ways are always better. Yes, he provides, but we have to keep our eyes on God and not fall in love with his provision.

All to Jesus I surrender.
All to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him.
In his presence daily live.
I surrender all.
I surrender all.
All to thee my blessed savior.
I surrender all.

The Devil Don't Drive A Big Bubba Truck

2011-01-29T22:24:00.004-06:00

Disclaimer: I know this isn't good grammar, but for a moment you grammar crazy individuals will just have to deal with me while I explain myself.

Disclaimer: If you happen to own a Big Bubba Truck, I am not trying to offend you in anyway. It is your choice, so whatever floats your boat...

My neighbor has a Big Bubba Truck. You know, one of those big trucks owned by men who want the entire neighborhood to know when they are coming and going. They buy extra doo-hickies to make their trucks louder and more manly sounding. So I know exactly when Tony comes and goes and when he is going fishing because I hear him backing up and going forward however many times it takes until the boat trailer is hooked up to his satisfaction. There is no way he could ever sneak up on anyone without them knowing. Ever. (Lucky for me, I'm a hard sleeper and don't wake easily so I only notice him when I'm awake.)

I think sometimes we think the devil is going to appear like that big loud truck, revving his engine, just to let us know he's decided to tempt us or declare war. Nope, the devil drives a nice quiet Hybrid that has a push button start and you can't hear coming. He's stealth like that. That doesn't mean he isn't coming, but just that you'd better be ready when he attacks because he isn't giving you any warning so you can get prepared. Most of the time I think he wins because we don't live prepared for his attack and we don't even realize we have been declared war on until after we have lost. So be aware cause the devil don't drive a Big Bubba Truck. That would be way too easy.

I love lists...

2011-01-29T14:07:00.002-06:00

especially when you get to check them off. Honestly, sometimes I make lists of things to accomplish after they are done, just so I can mark them off and visually see what I've been able to complete. We do this at work too, since we are cool like that. Ha!

Today has been a very productive day and I feel fabulous about it. The past couple of weeks have been trying, but I have survived and I was able to celebrate by having a productive day. On my day off I was up at 7 (not on purpose, trust me. I love my sleep even more than being productive. Sometimes.) and had showered, been to the grocery store and bank and back home by 9:30. I had great plans to go to Cardio Dance at the gym at 11, so I ate an egg sandwich and got all ready to head out, only to discover that Charlotte wasn't teaching today, so I nixed that. Then off to get my shopping done. Ulta, New York and Company, and JC Penney. Home by 1. My list is completed and I still have half of the day left. Don't be deceived and think that I am completely out of things to do. If you know me, you know that simply will never happen, by choice. So, now I'm on to the normal things I do on a typical Saturday - mainly getting ready for church tomorrow and all that involves.

And dishes and laundry. Is it just me, or do these just seem to never end? Relative to some of you, I know that we have fewer dishes and laundry since there are just two of us. What's the point of making the bed or doing the dishes or laundry? I mean they are just going to get dirty again, right? And yet, because I like a made bed and I need clean clothes to wear and dishes to eat on, and I know they won't clean themselves, off to dishes and laundry I go.

Adopting God's Kids

2011-01-28T19:46:00.003-06:00

So I know that some of you keep up with our adoption process via this blog, so I thought I'd give a little update. Actually, nothing new has happened since the last update that is even blog-worthy. We keep getting information and kids and submitting our home-study but are yet to hear anything back from anyone. We have "put our application in" for lack of better terms 4 times. Sometimes you hear something, sometimes you don't, so we are just here waiting. Sometimes we forget that God is concerned with the details, so I remind myself that he is working the timing out for our adoption perfectly with our schedules (which can be a little much at times). See, his will is not just that we adopt, but that we adopt the kids he picked for us before the creation of the world at the perfect time he planned before we even existed. I love planning, so I can appreciate that God is working out all the little details so everything is perfectly according to his divine plan.

I haven't had time to really think about the waiting, so time is just flying for me. I just finished (well, almost finished) our crazy month of year end payroll deadlines. And before that was the holidays. So, we are definitely staying busy for the most part. Starting in January, I am no longer helping with children's church, but I have taken over coordinating our Wednesday night girls groups at church called Missionettes. I've had a lot of help this month (thanks, LeAnn!) but things seem to be going smoothly for that. Everything is pretty much been planned out the same as prior years, so its not like starting from nothing and creating a system. Most things are already in place and I am just carrying it through and making sure it all gets done and organized.

I've been slowly but surely going through things in our house and getting them ready for a yard sale we are having at the church in April. I figure whatever I can get rid of now I won't have to later, and adding kids and their things to my house will be easier and not seem so unmanageable. Getting rid of stuff we don't need or use feels so good. You should try it sometime, really! We did buy a new kitchen table and chairs/bench over the holidays that seats 6 or 7 for our family, so we can accommodate our kids for meals together in the kitchen. At this point we can't really buy anything else because the furniture we need is very dependent on what age kids we get. It could be a crib or it could be twin beds, so we are just waiting to see before we go spending unnecessary money. I secretly think I have been driving to lunch at work because they know that as soon as we get our kids, there won't be room in my car. Shannon, my coworker, told me to buy car seats and put them in my car so I could get out of that already. Ha! Life as we know it will definitely change when that time comes.

On a totally separate note, I have problems blogging about things sometimes because I know that one of the girls in my Sunday School class reads this pretty regularly. Often when God shows me something, it becomes the subject of my Sunday School lesson, so I try and wait until after class to blog about it, but after the lesson is shared, the urgency to share is gone, and I feel like I'm being redundant. Does that even make sense?

All of that to say, when there is a real adoption update, trust me that it'll be posted here. But for now, we are praying and submitting and waiting for God's will, whatever that is. So if you want to, pray for God's will for us in this whole adoption journey. We know that God is faithful, always!

Grace Vs Law

2011-01-27T21:26:00.005-06:00

As Christians we hear many sermons, Bible studies, discussions about God's grace and mercy. Grace - getting more than you deserve. Mercy - Not getting the punishment you deserve for your sin. Grace and mercy are a big part of serving God because we couldn't even come to him if it weren't for his grace. We don't deserve to approach him. We don't deserve to be a part of his family. Quite frankly, we don't deserve anything that God provides for us, but his grace covers us. God's grace truly is amazing, but somewhere we have come to believe that God's grace is an excuse to do what is comfortable for us and what comes easy. You speak what you know and you live what you believe, so even if you'd never admit it to yourself or others, our actions say something else.

Somewhere, God's law has become second to his grace. We don't hear lessons on the Ten Commandments or the requirements we have as a part of our relationship with God. We have turned our nose up at legalism and rules and have decided that we will preach the nice, warm, fuzzy parts of the Bible and overlook the ones that make us less comfortable. And we forget that just as we expect God to provide for us and love us, he expects us to obey his law. The Old Testament talks a lot about the covenant relationship we have with God. And whether you want to see it or not, this covenant, like any other, has conditions. I'm not trying to say that we have to be perfect because I know we are imperfect people, but maybe, just maybe, we should revisit what it is that God is requiring of us.

To many of us, the Ten Commandments seem like common sense. You know you shouldn't steal or kill or lie, but what about the one that says don't take God's name in vain? Everywhere I go the air is filled with God's name over and over, in vain, just like another curse word. It is so common that there is even a shortened way to take God's name in vain. We type OMG as fast as any other word and give it no second thought. I don't expect the world to live to God's standard but God's people should know better. God's grace doesn't make it okay to disobey his law. And my heart hurts for God. In the Old Testament, God's name was so holy, so revered, His people wouldn't say His name aloud. It was sacred and special. But we've made his name an expression of frustration or anger and not given him the due respect.

We've replaced God's law with his grace and mercy instead of allowing both to live in unity as God intended. We have ignored the Holy Spirit, who convicts our hearts of sin, for so long, he doesn't even bother any more. As if we don't need to concern ourselves with our actions, but just count on God's grace and mercy to cover us.

We've made God human and forgotten that he is God and he cannot stand our wickedness. Our sin hurts him and we are too busy or too comfortable to even notice.

Yes, God loves us, and yes, he forgives, and yes, his grace and mercy cover us. But that is not license to live as you please and do what is your habit and what is normal.

God, forgive us for making you one of us and not the awesome, holy God that you are. Forgive us for making you common and familiar.

New Year=New Opportunities

2011-01-06T19:02:00.003-06:00

On New Year's Eve, BJ and I went to a short church service at RLC before coming home, and BJ going to bed. He had to work on New Years Day, so staying up to ring in the year was out of the question. I did stay up and watch The Sound of Music, one of my favorite movies/musicals of all time. I really enjoy being by myself. Not that I don't love people or love spending time with my hubby, but when I'm by myself I just get to decompress.

Ok, back on topic. At the NYE service Sis. Edna shared a verse from Revelation 3:7:

"What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open."

I haven't really given the verse second thought until today. I am believing God for a lot this year. This verse has reminded me that God is the one who is in charge of the opportunities laid before me. So, I trust him to lead me by opening and closing doors according to his plan. I am believing for a year of new opportunities to do things I haven't done before. I am not satisfied being the same me for 2011. I want God's heart and God's plans for me and I expect him to do GREAT things beyond what I can even imagine.

Even in just these few days, I have seen God's hand at work. I know that he is changing me everyday and getting me ready for whatever this year may hold. I know that it is all in his hands and he will lead us.

Speaking of opportunities, just today B.J. has gotten two new websites to create for clients. God just knows what he is doing. We don't see the whole picture but he does and what he sees is good.

Bad Blogger Award

2010-12-30T21:40:00.004-06:00

I am awarding myself with the first ever "Bad Blogger Award." Not because my blog is bad or that I am a bad person blogging, but because I have been bad at posting blogs on a regular basis. I know what it is like to check blogs for updates and get nothing. I know what it is like to be bored out of your mind, hoping, praying, that someone will post something, anything worthy of wasting a few minutes to read. I'm sorry, really I am. I know you have heard it all before and there is really no excuse except that life often gets in the way. And work hasn't even been busy and we don't even have any kids...yeah, there is absolutely no good reason. And so, if you have humored me by reading through this first paragraph, you should know that this will be really random, just because it can be. And just because random is my middle name, you know, right after Kay. (I have two middle names) And because sometimes it is fun to say random things that run through my mind with no purpose just to see what kind of reaction you will get. Really I should carry a camera to capture the expressions received as a result of utterly pure randomness. That is a thought.

Christmas has come and gone. As is usual, I put up the Christmas lights and decorations inside myself. Some people say I should get B.J. to help, and sometimes I think that would be a great idea. And other times I realize I really do like doing things myself. I get some sort of satisfaction or pride in doing things myself. So this year, we have two trees in our living room. I love them both. One is random homemade ornaments and ornaments from vacations, yearly ornaments, etc and the other is red white and green. I love it. I bought the second tree this year and it is a 9 foot tall skinny tree. love. it. While I was putting everything out and as I continue to look around at the Christmas decor, I can't help but think that next Christmas, I'll have children in my house and traditions to be started. Maybe they'll love decorating as much as I do. And as long as I can do my one pretty tree my way, I am okay to give control of the other decorations over to whomever will help. Kids make Christmas more memorable.

I love Christmas decorations. I don't know what you think, but since it takes me a day and a half to put the decorations up, I don't want to take them down the second Christmas is over. I am thinking I'll take everything down just after B.J.'s B-day (which is the 6th). The decorations will be up a total of about 6 weeks. I like it. They make me smile and anyone who knows me, knows if leaving decorations up will make me smile more, then leave them up we shall. I tend to be too serious about life and must get over that.

We have submitted our home study for a couple of groups of kids. If you've talked to me, you know more of the details about the kids. For now, what you need to know is that we are submitting our home study for kids that meet our original preferences, and trying to move on to the next kids. We have probably received info on 150 kids or so in the past 2 months. For some regions in Texas, we will know when a decision has been made, and for some regions we won't. The kids' case worker narrows down the selection pool to a few families based on what they think is the best fit for the kids and families. Then our "case worker" goes to a meeting with the kids case worker and advocates for us. For this meeting, where we will not be present, I am working on a photo book for our representative to take with her. I should get it mostly done tomorrow or next week hopefully. So we are waiting and praying and moving forward, one day at a time. Waiting for God's will and praying that God matches the right families with all these kids need forever families. It is quite overwhelming, but God is able to do so much more than we could even begin to understand.

I am going to be an aunt in August! My sister and her husband are expecting and we are very excited for them. I'm sure its going to be hard for her being pregnant and living in Chicago away from all of her family, but they'll be fine.

So it looks like next Christmas will be full of new traditions and our Christmas activities will change simply by the addition of one or more children into our family. And the fun begins!

For Christmas I got a Kindle and I love it. It fits so nicely in my purse and is so much smaller than the typical book I read. I am reading a Ted Dekker book right now and it is just so nice. I also got a Cricut, which I have played with a little and love as well. I will be using it for my photo books I'm going to try and do tomorrow. Love. it.

Jill and Sam were here for a couple of weeks and this morning they and my parents headed to Omaha for my mom's family's Christmas this weekend. This will be the second year we haven't been able to go because it is basically impossible for BJ to get off that weekend. I am praying this gets worked out someway so we can go next year, especially if we have kids by then. I'll fight a little harder for our kids than just for us to find someway to at least see my grandparents, even if it isn't when everyone else is there.

Payroll is coming and I am trying to mentally prepare myself for long weeks again. It is so hard to go from having nothing to do to having SOOOOO MUCH to do. But we always make it. This first week of January is still pretty slow, so we are using the time to do some training and planning for the year. And then the three week tornado hits and then we get a break. Its the nature of this business, so you'd think I'd be prepared every year, but I still have to get myself pumped up for it.

This year I am off the week between Christmas and New Years and its been nice to spend some time with my sister while she was here. I have also gotten some cleaning done and just odd jobs around the house at least started.

Yesterday we ordered a new kitchen table and chairs for our eat-in kitchen. We are trying to prepare our house that is so used to having 2 people for a family so when we get the kid(s) the only thing we have to plan is their rooms.

I love to plan and have goals, but for me, yearly goals are just too long and too hard to attain. And I tend to be overambitious with my goals, so they are never really reachable. And like most Americans, a few days or weeks into the new year, we fail. And we give up. So I don't think I'll make any new years resolutions this year. I anticipate the upcoming year will bring a lot of life changes for us, and I am so ready for some changes. As ready as I can be with so much being in limbo. So as we go into a new year, let me leave you with a verse that has really spoken to me and I hope will encourage, strengthen you.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

Come Home

2010-12-14T18:31:00.004-06:00

God speaks all the time to us, but do we really listen to him? God has been bringing people to mind lately that I haven't spoken to or thought about for some time. And when he does this, I have learned to stop what I'm doing and pray for them or send them an encouraging e-mail or note. Because God always has a purpose for doing things. So he knows where they are and what they need and for whatever reason, that day he chooses to use me. And I am honored.

So almost every day on the way home from work I have heard this song on the radio.

And I think of people who used to serve God, who grew up in church, and have since made decisions that have led them away, to live life as they please and in the process they got lost. And they feel like its been too long and they've done too much. And they aren't sure where to start on their journey back home. And I am reminded that God's compassion and love for them never changed. He still loves them as if they never left and He is waiting for them with open arms. It's never too late. My heart hurts for them. I just want to find them and hug them and tell them they can come back. I am reminded it is a decision they must make for themselves. So I pray for God to open their hearts to feel his love again. That they will realize it may be hard to come back, but it is worth it. Coming back to God isn't like returning to a parent who hurt you in that the wound gets reopened and festers again. As far as God is concerned, if you are ready to come back, he is ready to forgive and move forward. You don't have to make it right or earn the forgiveness, but he is offering it, no strings attached, if you'll just come back. And he already loves you more than you could ever know.

For I Know the Plans I Have For You...

2010-11-30T19:14:00.005-06:00

Jeremiah 29:11 has become a pivotal verse for me in the past few years. Knowing God has a plan that is for my good and is better than my plan helps me to trust more, to lean more, and to let go of my plans more.

And yet, we all have thoughts about what we think God's plan for us will look like. We speculate and we hope we know what the plan looks like for us. So when we see someone around us living out what we think is God's plan for us, we get mad. We get jealous. We get disappointed. We get angry. We don't understand, and we never will. Because God's ways are not our ways and his thoughts are higher than ours.

Today a friend reminded me that God's plan for me is special. It's not like his plan for the people around me, but it is just for me. That statement gave me hope. It's hard to trust God when there is nothing concrete to hold on to. And yet I see his hand at work in my life. He is leading me one step at a time, giving me guidance, day by day.

It is my personality to compare myself to others and to compare God's plan for me with his plan for others. Why is everything so easy for everyone else, but I have to struggle? Why do I have to go through so many more valleys before I reach the mountaintop? And I am reminded that I am not them and they are not me. In the same way, God's plan for each of us is unique and special. And all his plans are for our good.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. " Jeremiah 29:11 The Message

New York Vacation Pictures

2010-11-16T20:51:00.008-06:00

Maybe it's not about me...

2010-11-15T20:33:00.003-06:00

Today I was driving to the gym and praying. I pray a lot while I'm in my car. It's just me and God and it's one of the places I am not easily distracted. While I was driving and singing and praying, a thought hit me. Ok, it was more like God put a thought in my head, but either way its something I've never really thought about.

Maybe this trial isn't just about me.

When we are going through stuff, as we all do, we look for some hope or some encouragement to help us endure. To help us be faithful to God when things don't make sense. We talk about all the scriptures that say "consider it joy when you face trials" and "God works everything for the the good of those who love him" and we find the determination to keep on believing for a miracle. Somehow knowing that God will provide and knowing that God is teaching us and stretching us during this difficult time makes it tolerable.

But have you ever thought about the people watching you? The way you endure a trial and the way you are faithful to God when you don't understand and the way you keep going may be speaking loudly to someone around you. Maybe your trial is the one thing that will bring someone closer to God. Maybe your test is the example they will stand on, to believe that God will do something for them to. We all have those people, those stories of others that we hold on to, that give us hope that God has not forgotten us. What if your trial is someone else's hope?

Then, I think we'd consider it worth it. If my pain and my struggle shows someone they aren't alone, shows them that God is worthy of holding on to, it is worth it. If I can hold on, maybe someone else will know they can cling closer to God during the difficult times.

God made us a family for a reason. We need each other and our struggles are just a part of God's big plan for us to encourage each other and walk together through it all and come out victorious on the other side by God's grace.

Smorgasbord Sunday - a little of this, a little of that

2010-11-14T17:31:00.006-06:00

-Ever prayed for something and then moved on, only to see God be faithful and answer your prayers after you had almost forgotten what you asked for? We are human, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who this has happened to. For me, prayer request rotate in cycles. Not in a planned cycle but based on how God is speaking to me or how he is changing my heart during that time of my life. There are some people I always pray certain days of the week, because they depend on me and I owe it to them, and because God is faithful. Generally I depend on God to bring people and situations to my mind as he wants me to pray for them. He knows best. I actually find that when I've totally given a situation to God, trusting him completely, I don't even pray about it any more. It isn't because the situation is taken care of, but it isn't heavy on my heart any more and I simply trust God to take care of things.

So today God answered two of those prayers for me. When I least expected it, when I had moved on, just trusting God to be who he said he was. Because his timing is perfect, always. Praise God!

So just when you think it is worthless, never give up because with God all things are possible.

-God speaks, you obey, or at least that's the way it is ideally. For me it usually goes more something like God speaks, I question him and make sure it's him, I talk myself out of obeying, I freak out, think of all the possible bad results, I dread obedience, and then I obey. True to form, today I finally obeyed God with something I've been struggling with. You know, it is never as bad as the devil convinces you it is going to be. That's how he gets to you. He uses fear, hoping that you'll never obey and God will never get the opportunity to show off. So, for me, I do usually eventually obey, and God's will is accomplished. If I could just get myself to skip the whole freaking myself out part, this would be so much less stressful. Goodness, Sandra, why do you give the devil that control? I've got to obey faster and not give myself the time or opportunity to over think everything.

-Tax season is over and now the boredom/depression sets in. You get so used to working a lot of hours mentally and physically that after its over, the days drag on forever. Now if I can just survive until Thanksgiving that would be nice.

-Got some Christmas shopping done yesterday with B.J. Three down, 532 to go. (It's really not as bad as it sounds, but exaggeration makes things more interesting )

-Still getting more info on more kids. We haven't submitted our home study for any kids yet, but in God's time it'll all come together.

Hope you enjoyed your tasting of the different things roaming around in my head. Till Later!

Being Me

2010-11-09T14:44:00.002-06:00

So I've been dealing with a few tense situations for a while. Like walking on eggshells, tense. I've been waiting for something, someone to break the tension. Don't wait on anyone to do what you should do yourself. I was trying to get away from the craziness instead of getting in the thick of it and dealing. I don't deal well, I don't do confrontation well, but I got over myself and did only what I can do. And that is be me.

So why do we always think someone else is going to remedy the situation? Why do we wait around on someone else instead of taking initiative? Because we are scared of the response we will get or the rejection we may have to endure.

And then I am reminded that I can only control me and God won't give me more than I can handle. If God is putting me here, he must think I can handle a lot more than I think I can.

By the way, the eggshells have disappeared, at least from my perspective, and I am free to be me again. No, I'm not going to pry where I am not welcome, but I won't be over-thinking every action every word again. Because my happiness is not dependent on man's approval but on God's and I know I'm right where he wants me.

Sunday Funday

2010-11-07T17:35:00.003-06:00

Warning: Random Post

-I love my Sunday School class! Absolutely love them. Love teaching them. We know we are exactly where God wants us for now. But today was hard.

Ever since we took this class 3+ years ago God has been stretching me. Before we took the college/career class, we taught K-2nd grade and it was pretty easy. Yes, I came in early every so often to redecorate the room and get games and such together, but basically we did the lesson from the Sunday School literature plus a few fun things I'd learned in my years teaching kids before. At that age its easy to use the literature and make it applicable to them personally and know they are learning something. When we took the college/career class I immediately knew that no literature would fit the group of students we were getting.

So I've asked God to speak to them through me. Every week I seek God for what they need to hear. I knew that I was obeying God today when we talked about guarding your heart, but for some reason the words couldn't come out of my mouth right and I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I know that with this group I don't usually see a great response to what I say, but today I felt like a failure.

But God is faithful, always! And His word is powerful, always! And he doesn't depend on my abilities or competency to fulfill his plans.

Isaiah 55:10-11 "As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that is yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth; it will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

-So God has prompted me to start studying His love in my devotion time in the upcoming weeks. I am trusting Him to show me things I haven't seen before and to speak to me, and He is always faithful.

-No post would be complete without an adoption update. We were licensed for adoption this past Monday and have since been receiving information about kids available for adoption. It is kinda difficult to see the pictures and get the info and not fall in love. I told BJ I want to adopt every kid in the state of Texas that doesn't have a home and we need to get a bigger house. Ha! Just so you know, we won't be able to share very much info on here about our kids once we get them and before they are adopted because of the confidentiality agreement. I totally understand the purpose of keeping things quiet and we will just have to be vague for a bit.

-5 more work days until work calms down through the holidays. I am definitely looking forward to a little reprieve from all the craziness in my life right now. Maybe I'll get some scrapbooking caught up. One can always hope! :)

-Turbo Kickboxing is calling my name. Soon I'll be able to get back in that groove. I miss it.

-Maybe BJ should post pics of the New York trip. (He's reading this as I write, so that may actually happen before Christmas.)

Are We There Yet?

2010-10-19T20:18:00.003-05:00

As a child, we took many trips around the country for vacation or to visit family members. 12 hours to one set of grandparents and 14 to the other. Doing the trip about twice a year, we got used to it pretty quickly. At some point, I started asking for the map so I could follow where we were in relation to where we were going. I know that didn't make the trip any shorter, but I'm sure it kept me occupied for a few hours every trip and kept me from asking if we were almost to our resting spot for the night. I always knew we were almost to Grandpa and Grandma Daggett's when we turned at that gas station and started on the two lane road over quite a few hills. I always meant to count how many hills we had to pass before we would see their house, but I never could remember how many there were. Either way, once we turned down that road it was time for me to start putting all my toys in my backpack and get ready to unload into my grandparent's house.

So on this adoption road, I would say we are almost to that turn at the gas station. We should be licensed in about a week or so at this point. At that time we'll have to lean on God to help us decide which kids we should submit our homestudy for. It's so weird to think about picking kids like you would clothes out of a catalog, but that's what we are preparing ourselves for. We've been told to not fall in love with the first kids you see. Do you realize how hard that is going to be for me? I fall in love with kids I see across the restaurant that I don't even get to hold or talk to and will never see again.

I'll always remember this little girl I met in Nicaragua. I haven't actually thought about her in a while. I went there on a mission trip when I was 13. She didn't speak English and I couldn't speak Spanish, but I know she felt safe with me. Her dad, or whoever, was holding her and she was just crying and crying. I went over and reached out my hands to her to see if maybe I could help the situation and she came right to me. She immediately stopped crying and just laid her head on my shoulder. I sang to her a song she had no way to understand, but it brought a smile to her face. And when I would stop, she would look up at me with longing eyes, and I would continue to sing again. I don't know her name or have any idea where she is or what she is doing. I gave her dad my address so he could send me a copy of a picture he took of us, but I never received anything. How do you love a kid you can't communicate with? How do you bond so deeply so quickly? I don't know, but I suppose it has something to do with God's love, so deep and yet so irrational. It doesn't make logical sense to love someone who can offer you nothing, who can't express their feelings to you, and yet I loved her so much.

So I anticipate loving our kids will be just like loving that girl. I can't say that I know what they will have been through, but I know that God's love never fails. I won't understand what they are feeling, because I haven't been there. My life has been so simple, so normal, relatively. The classes we have taken have tried to prepare us, but I'm pretty sure its all going to be inadequate. Because love doesn't make sense. You love with your heart, not your head. So I pray for our kids and I pray that God will help us love like he does. I pray that when we see/meet our kids that we'll just know they belong with us.

Nope, we aren't there yet, but at least I can look at the map and know where we are in this process. I see how many more hills in the road, and I can see the next chapter of our lives around the corner.

Love Like You'll Never Get Hurt

2010-10-09T16:49:00.003-05:00

Here's a quick update on the adoption process. We took our last class today and had the home-study this past Thursday. They told us we should be licensed in 2-3 weeks. This is very exciting and scary at the same time! But we can handle this with God's help, or maybe I should say God can handle it with our help. That's really the way it all works. There is so much new territory coming to us since we will potentially go from zero kids to a house-full. Just so you all know, once we are licensed, the adoption coordinator will send us profiles of kids that meet our requirements and we decide if we want our home-study submitted for those kids. CPS gets home-studies from all the agencies and decides who will be matched with the kids based on that information they have. At that point we just pray that God will match us with our kids and we trust for his perfect will.

The home-study went well, I think. There were no questions we didn't kind of anticipate or know were coming. How were we raised, what we would do differently from our parents, what are our strengths, etc. I was able to ask some logistics questions and I feel much better. Mala told us that since we are straight adoption, we will have plenty of time to get the rooms ready once we meet the kids so they can be painted/decorated according to their likes and styles. She also told me we'd have plenty of time to get car seats and that kind of logistical thing. We have two empty rooms, but they are in no way ready for kids at this point. They are basically empty, but we are waiting until we know the genders, ages, etc of kids we are matched with.

My dad got a cabinet installed in our laundry room so we could store poisons out of reach and have a place to lock up meds (state requirement). Yippee! Nothing is currently locked, but nothing needs to be at this point and we are ready when that comes.

Ok, now to the topic of my post.

Many years ago (I don't actually know how long ago) my Pastor/Uncle went on a trip and brought back some small gifts for me and my sister. This time he brought these little marble plaques with sayings on them. Mine said "Love Like You'll Never Get Hurt." I love that saying. When we are hurt, either on purpose or accidentally, we tend to hold those hurts for a long time. We let it change the way we treat the offender and change the way we think about them. We live with more reserve, more caution, afraid that anything we do will cause us to be hurt again. It hinders us from being passionate and giving ourselves fully to many things in our lives. I have always taken this saying to mean forgive and move on past your hurt. I have realized it isn't just about forgiving the person who hurt you, which we need to do, but we have to forgive ourselves for anything we may have done to bring on the hurt. I am not saying it is ever our fault when someone hurts us, but depending on the situation, after we have forgiven the offender, we often look back at the situation and say, "if only I wouldn't have.... then I wouldn't have been so hurt" or "if I would have done....I would have healed faster and moved on." By asking ourselves these questions and re-living the moment time and time again, we haven't forgiven ourselves. There are multiple things going on with me that have initiated me asking myself the question, "Do I love fully? Can I love with every fiber of my being, knowing that I will get hurt again, but not letting those past things hinder my love?" God created us to be people of total abandon, loving without regret and without holding anything back. Am I doing that? My kids, my friends, my family deserve my love. God deserves my all. I refuse to hold myself back, selfishly, in case I may get hurt. I am determined to love completely, to give myself fully to whatever God is calling me. I will put my heart out there, because if I don't, I'm not really living. I'm not really loving as if I'll never get hurt.

Vent

2010-09-30T19:02:00.002-05:00

Vent - an opening, as in a wall, serving as an outlet for air, smoke, fumes, or the like.

The only purpose of venting is to let the steam out. It is not intended to be an outlet through which one expresses a concern and in return would like to receive advice. I am not asking for your opinion as to what I should do. Really, I just want to vent. With that being said, I am totally okay with anyone leaving a comment to let me know you are sympathizing with me (who doesn't like to get comments?), but please do not see this as a solicitation for advice. I do not want you to fix everything. I just want to vent.

Now that I have the basis covered, let me see if I can vent effectively while being vague enough that no one gets offended or thinks I am talking about them. Honestly, the person that I will be venting about probably doesn't read my blog and will more likely than not never read this, so I think I'm pretty safe. Either way, being vague is difficult, but I'm gonna try.

So I have some friends from years before that have chosen to end our friendship(s). I am totally okay with that as I understand that people change and circumstances change and we all have different seasons in our lives. Quite honestly I haven't given the whole situation a second thought since we parted ways a while back. I haven't talked to them for a while and have been totally cut out of the daily life updates about their families. I didn't expect to get updates, but what upsets me is when I see them, I get the feeling they expect me to be supportive of whatever they are currently going through. I do know what is going on with them, but it isn't because they've told me. So basically I shouldn't know, but I get info from the internet, which obviously is what I would consider public information. I'm not talking about hacking into anything or getting information without permission. They basically post stuff that the public can see and I just happen to be a part of the public. (By the way, so I don't appear to be a weirdo, there are a lot of people who post things on blogs or facebook or whatever, that I read because people interest me. I'm not stalking anyone or anything, but I just like to know what is going on with people who have been a part of my life at some point.) So I act as if I know nothing, because they didn't tell me, and I don't want to be accused of getting into their business (which has happened before.) At the same time, it is public information, or kinda, and I don't want to be thought of as inconsiderate or unsupportive, so I'm in a lose lose situation.

Dealing with people is so difficult sometimes. We are all different and no one is exactly like me, so it takes adjusting to learn what to say and how to act in a way that doesn't offend people. Trust me, my intent is never to offend anyone, but some people are looking for someone to offend them, if you ask me. And if I can meet your need and you can be mad at me, at least I can deal with it and you don't crush someone else who may not be able to handle it as well.

Reunion Recap

2010-09-25T00:29:00.002-05:00

So I haven't blogged in forever, and for anyone who's actually noticing, I'm sorry. I'm not bogging myself down by doing a update since the last post. A lot has happened and maybe BJ will post pics from our vacation to New York some day.

We went to part I of my 10 year high school reunion tonight. BJ went with me to the game and South won, so that was good. I saw a lot of people I knew that I'm pretty sure don't remember me. I was pretty quiet in high school and rarely if ever did anything with anyone from school after school was over. I talked to people at school about school generally and I wasn't rude or not friendly, but I guess I've learned they were mostly acquaintances and not really friends. The only things most of us had in common was school and when you remove that commonality, we got nothing.

Part Ib was at Beto's after the game. BJ went home since he has to work tomorrow and I went alone. I talked to a few people that I was comfortable enough to approach. Mainly people I've talked to recently anyways. I did once again see more people from high school, but no one new I was comfortable talking to. I guess I feel like if I didn't know you well back then, I'm interrupting by coming to say hi. That, and I tend to just sit there and listen, probably wearing out my welcome so to speak and not contributing to the conversation.

So, I have come to some conclusions.

First, some things never change. There will always be cliques and I will never feel comfortable around them because I'm not like them.

Secondly, I don't know what people what to accomplish by a reunion, but tonight was not the place to really reconnect with someone from the past. Unless you want that to include a lot of alcohol and music that is so loud you are screaming at the person next to you just to be heard. Just not my cup of tea I guess. Not that I really expected anything different. I guess people just want to hang out and have surface conversations. I suppose that tomorrow at the formal reunion event will be different, but I'm not attending that for an entirely different reason. I hate getting all dressed up and such. It is such a hassle for nothing. I am even less comfortable in a more formal setting.

Thirdly, I think a reunion would be more fun it there was a family type event like a picnic at a park with the kids and spouses. I think kids make starting conversations easier. Maybe there, you would actually get to talk to someone and reconnect. Maybe there, the people who wanted to drink and party would stay home because they'd think it would be boring and you'd actually find out who wants to reconnect. Maybe then, you would see the real people and what life really is like for them and not the perfect picture they want to paint for you with their words.

Lastly, blogging and facebook make it very difficult to talk to someone you haven't seen in a while. You feel like you are kinda updated on everyone's lives, but only because you keep up with them via facebook. So, asking them questions feels like you are being redundant or saying you didn't read about their lives or weren't listening when they "told" you what was going on. I guess to me it just makes it awkward to actually have a real conversation. For example, I didn't get to tell people what was going on in my life concerning the adoption, but just got to give people the most recent update that I hadn't posted yet. We should be licensed in 2-3 weeks. I guess you just don't know what people see and what they don't. The internet is effectively replacing real communication, and I'm not sure that's always a good thing.

But I survived and enjoyed people watching. It was fun and some day I'll probably wish I had been a little more outgoing and talked to more people.

Last Post in August

2010-08-29T17:08:00.003-05:00

Well I am starting this blog with nothing particular in mind. I do know that I only have 3 blogs this month and that simply will not do.

Since my last update, we've been busy, but what's new?

Got some things done for our adoption:
2 classes this week
TB test
FBI Fingerprinting

I have been so tired lately and I'm not quite sure why. I haven't really been sleeping less that usual. Maybe I'm getting too old to be so busy. We are on vacation this week, so I am looking forward to that. We are going to New York City. Maybe if I wanted rest and relaxation we should have planned to stay home and do nothing, but then again, who actually does nothing when they are home? I guess we are at least getting out of the area for a few days. I am actually looking forward to it, assuming we don't wear ourselves out. Generally when we vacation we sleep in, eat a late breakfast and plan one thing a day. I know there are a ton of things to do in NYC, but if we can see a few things we haven't before and enjoy not working, the vacation will be worth it.

After we return, my parents leave for their vacation a few days later. They are going with my grandparents to Oregon/Washington to visit some family. While they are gone, I will be leading praise and worship for one service. I am not really comfortable leading, but I know that God will lead me to what songs to sing and he will use me as I am available. This is a real stretch for me, but God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.

We had 9 in Sunday School. God is just so good! He continues to speak to me for my class and knows exactly what they need to hear. So, anyone who is in my class, if you want a seat on a couch it appears that you will have to be on time for Sunday School. In the mean time, I will be looking for another couch to fill the empty wall in my class so that everyone can sit on a couch. I'm glad you all came and am so excited about what God is going to do!

For now, I am looking forward to sleeping a few hours on a plane tomorrow.

Two are Better Than One

2010-08-18T22:44:00.003-05:00

So, I've been asked many times why we have decided to adopt a group of 2 siblings. My response? Why not? There are so many kids who need a home and many of them are not adopted because they are with their siblings. The state of Texas has a mandate that requires agencies to try to adopt siblings together as opposed to separating them.

Can you imagine being taken from your home with your brother/sister and shortly thereafter being separated from the only person you have left because it's inconvenient to keep you together? These kids need to be together almost as much as they need parents to love them.

We have room, we have love, so why not open our hearts and our home to a group of siblings? God has provided for us and we are willing to share ourselves with them. Yes, going from no kids to two will be difficult, but quite frankly, just because it is difficult doesn't mean you should quit and take the easy way out.

Ok, so on to the practical reasons why we have chosen to adopt 2 siblings. The state is trying very hard to adopt siblings together and are offering incentives to families for adopting siblings. Those include free tuition and fees to any state college for the kids as well as the option to remain on Medicare STAR Health until the age of 18. This means they basically have free health insurance and we do not have to pay for that. No, adopting these kids is not some way for us to make money. That would be absurd. These kids, like any kids, are going to cost us emotionally and financially, but they will be worth it. Lets just say the incentives are great for the kids and they deserve every penny of it.

Yes, I discuss this with myself all the time and I have peace with the decision that will totally change our lives forever. In some ways, my pep talks with myself is a part of convincing myself that God won't give me more than I can handle. And God won't open up my heart to a sibling group if that isn't his will for us. I have heard that going from one to two kids is quite a jump and after that point, adding one more isn't that big of a deal. I guess we'll skip that jump all together and go straight to two kids.

Oh yeah, on a practical note, I want 3 or 4 kids, so adopting two doesn't mean our family will be complete or that we won't ever have biological kids. I just know that I've always wanted to adopt and I really think that if we would've waited until we had biological children, we may never have researched or went the adoption route. Because it is work. Because it takes an effort. Because as I said in the last post you have to really want these kids. God knows exactly what he is doing, and his timing is always perfect.

And by the way, when God wants you to adopt two siblings, two is always better than one.