Living in Faith and Not Fear

So you know how we all have the best advice to give others, theoretically, when we've never been there before?  I remember before I was a parent I had the best parenting advice to give. Ha!  There were so many things I was going to allow and disallow and I wasn't going to be a push over, ever. I was the disciplinarian and my kids would do what I required of them. Yeah, we all know how that panned out. Ha! It's just different when you are there. I have battles I have to pick daily. And there are still things that are really the most important things to instill in my kids, but there are definitely things that haven't gone or turned out how I expected them to or that I've chosen to let go of and not push.

Same thing when you are a Sunday School teacher. Many times you teach it because God is dealing with you on it, but sometimes, when someone is asking advice, you have the best response for them. Then, when it comes down to it, and you are faced with a similar decision, you realize it's way harder than you thought.

So let's talk money...we've been so blessed and have never really worried about money. We have been smart (not spending money on everything we want or keeping up with the latest and greatest) but in reality, most of the time we've been able to buy whatever we wanted. We've also been pretty generous givers. Because we were able and not necessarily because God asked us to do something beyond what we could easily afford. He's asked us to do big things, but really pretty much within our means. And we've pretty much always had a cushion for a rainy day.

Well right now things are tighter than I'm used to. So I've personally started cutting back some excess so that we don't get in a worse situation financially. We've had so many large purchases (that we need) come at the same time. New AC, new roof, car repair, vacation (which was booked when we had excess, but paid when we didn't). Not to mention my washing machine is starting to freeze up mid cycle. We are having to finance things I'd rather pay cash for so that we have a little reserve and can make it to the next pay day. I have a mental goal of where I'd like our savings to be before I can relax a little.

Tithe is a done deal, we've never really thought about it much. But when it came to guest speakers and extra offerings, I just decided we couldn't right now. God understands, I trust him, but I'm being smart too. But God checked me.

"If you really believe I am gonna take care of you, why are you being stingy? I'm not asking you to be super generous right now, but I am asking you to take care of my people." So I went and paid my extra for our guest speaker and I bought a baby shower gift I was gonna delay for now.

I was living in fear. And I know it because not only was I holding back the reigns when God said let go, but I was complaining about it to others. So not God's way. Really not trying to get sympathy, just someone to agree with my logical reasoning to solve my own problem so I'd feel better about my choices. I didn't ask God how to solve my problem, I just started looking at the numbers and logically figuring out where we could find some extra funds. I do numbers for a living. I just did me.  (Now I know that I am me because God made me this way and I know this is my way by his design and purpose, but I didn't even ask him. That's where I feel I went wrong.)

Oh, God forgive me. Living in faith is HARDER than I made it out to be, especially when it's your daily supply you are worried about. Maybe my current situation is your norm, I don't know. But I'm sorry if I made it out to be your weakness that made trusting God for physical provision hard for you. I had no idea. It is hard!!

I really do know God is going to take care of us, he always does. But I have to trust him in everything and not withhold when he has told me to give. I also don't think it's God's will to keep living like it's no big deal and the money will come from somewhere. He tells us to put him first and He will take care of the rest. So until we get back to a safer place financially, I'm just gonna keep asking him to lead us so he can get glory when he provides!

Out of The Excess

A few months ago I was watching a teaching by Kari Jobe online and she said something that resonated with me. Lately God has been bringing me back to what she said. She was teaching about leading worship (obviously) and said that when she leads worship, she does not expect that to fulfill her or meet her spiritual needs or be her deepest most intimate worship. She has to have her own worship time and then she is able to minister out of the overflow or excess from her personal time with God. (Maybe that's not exactly how she said it, but that's what I got out of it anyways.)

It made me start thinking about why I sometimes get frustrated with how worship goes and don't feel free to worship on Sunday. Besides the fact I am a facilitator or trying to hold it all together, the real issue is my expectation. If I am depending on Sunday worship be my deepest worship, where I am able to be refreshed and ministered to and I spend all my efforts leading others and really receiving nothing in return, I leave feeling disappointed. But as a worship leader, I should come in filled up, already having had my time in God's presence during the week and then my personal expectations are lower and I am less personally disappointed. And I am free from the distraction of my own spiritual needs/expectations and can better lead and minister to others selflessly.

This is the difference between leaders, teachers, preachers, pastors etc on Sunday and the other church members/congregants. Yes, everyone should be having daily time with God, but as a leader, it is even more important that you are getting deeply fed at a time other than when you are in ministering.  Your public ministry should be out of the overflow of your personal spiritual walk. As a leader, more is required of you so you should expect to do more, spend more time in preparation. You are living under a different standards. Where leaders err is that when time is cut short, because life is busy, the things that are seen by others (your public ministry service) becomes the focus and you are not able to invest in your spiritual walk/relationship with God like you should. This is one of the reasons that leaders get burned out so often. What really should be primary has become secondary, and while that will affect those you minister to, it can be devastating to the leader.

I'm not at all saying that those in leadership aren't also ministered to when the believers come together weekly or aren't able to worship or enter in. Of course your worship leader should be worshiping  and your pastor should be hearing what God has spoken to him even as it comes out of his mouth. They just shouldn't expect that to be their primary source of spiritual food and refreshing. The Spirit of God lives in us and we can be in his presence every day and should be as believers, but for leaders, it's pretty much non-negotiable. If you feel frustrated with your ministry, check your own spiritual growth and development. If you feel overwhelmed or overlooked, check your time with God. If you feel lonely and underappreciated, check your devotion to daily time with God and in his presence. Because ESPECIALLY AS LEADERS, our source, our sufficiency, our spiritual health must be maintained personally, aside from our ministry, so that the excess of things God has been pouring into you on a personal level can overflow to others around you as God intends.

Faith Words

Today, or rather this week, I've compared myself to others, I've asked God why me? I've struggled as I fell on my face again as a mom.  But instead of rehashing all of that and blogging through my tears I'm doing something really intentional, even though I don't feel it at all.

Today I'm choosing to be thankful for what God has given me and not dwell in the what-ifs. Today I'm thankful that my house is full and never quiet. That there is chaos and fussing between the kids because at least that means there are kids here. Today I'm thankful that God has given me them all to draw me closer to him. Today I'm thankful for the plans he has for them even though I can't see it and it is definitely not going to be fulfilled through my efforts which always seem to fall short.

I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs. I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to be silly and goofy. I'm thankful that they aren't shy or intimidated by others often (such the opposite of me as a little girl). I'm thankful that they make friends easily. I'm thankful that they are respectful to others. I'm thankful that they don't fight me about going to church. I'm thankful that despite my failings, which are many, they are thriving. I'm thankful for God's grace when I mess things up.

I'm thankful that God's ways are greater than mine. I'm thankful that he sees potential when I can't. I'm thankful that he knows each one of my kids and has had plans for them since before they were born. Before I had any thoughts or intentions regarding adoption and adding them to our family. I'm thankful that His word always accomplishes his purposes.

I'm thankful that this too will pass. I'm thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful that he has them, all of them in the palm of his hands. I'm thankful that God's plans are purposeful and intentional and not accidental.

I'm thankful that God is changing me. I'm thankful that His strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm thankful that I don't have to make God's will happen. I'm thankful that God knew what he was doing when he gave them, all of them, to us, and he still knows what he is doing now. His plans didn't change because I'm not the mom I wish I was, but he knew me, and gave them to us and still chose this for them. Because our family was His best for them.

Praise God for He is Good!!