Confidence

So if you know me, I would doubt that one of the words you would use to describe me is shy. I'm not the most outgoing person, but I always get a "yeah, right" when I tell people I'm an introvert. When I was younger, I was definitely more shy than I am now. I guess when you become a parent (especially the way I did) you don't really have the option of hiding in the corner any more. You have to suddenly deal with doctors and schools and teachers and there was definitely no easing in period for me. Because I'm the mom. I had to register my kids for school. I had to get them all up to date on shots and get them the help needed for whatever issues they were facing. I have had more teacher meetings than I'd care to deal with and have had to stand up for my kids. Because I'm the mom.

So there are certain realms of my life where I am definitely more confident than others. There are certain things that don't scare or intimidate me at all, like training others at work or even doing a little public speaking in that realm. Most of the time talking to clients isn't too bad either, because I've been doing this long enough to know my stuff (generally speaking) and I've learned it's okay to tell a client I need to look something up and they are usually okay with that. I'm not scared to lead worship or sing a special at church, been doing it my whole life. I'm not scared really at all with my church family who has literally known me since preschool. Playing piano doesn't worry or stress me out.

But there is one part of me that has hidden pretty well my whole life, until lately. That would be the outside part. I wouldn't describe my style as bad or outdated, but I've never put priority on physical appearance or being trendy cause being noticed for that was my biggest fear. I've never spent much time on me and really wanted to just disappear. I think when people know me, they don't look at me to judge my physical appearance. To them, I just look like Sandra. However, when I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm always afraid they are judging me. Because my skin isn't perfect (probably my biggest insecurity) or my hair isn't styled well or my makeup is bad. So I've been afraid to make an effort so that I am noticed or recognized physically. It's easier to be unnoticed than noticed for "doing it all wrong." But I've wanted to look at least put together and knew if I could get over the initial hump of making the change, I would be okay.

In December, thanks to Elisha, I took the plunge and started wearing lipstick regularly. I've always worn makeup (and have been asked more times than I can count if I ever wear makeup while wearing it, ugh!!) but hated having to reapply lipstick. I ain't got time for that. :) And since I took the plunge (with the help of Lipsense that I don't have to reapply all day long) my confidence has gone through the roof (thanks to ya'll ladies who keep affirming me when I post pics). I still am not sure I would call myself beautiful, but I can at least say I look nice and put together. More grown up and less low maintenance.

I posted this picture today on facebook and do you know what I saw? I saw wrinkles around my eyes and wrinkles at my smile line. Most people would try and hide that, but I saw that I was really happy. Pretty! Confident! Smiling all the way up to my eyes. I used to kid that I didn't smile because I didn't want wrinkles. But now, if the wrinkles mean I'm happy, bring 'em on!

Now the confidence on the outside can match the confidence on the inside! Thank you God for using a little makeup to make me feel better about myself. Ready to take on the world and whatever God has for me next!

Super Sunday

27 Weeks 1 Day

Today was a good day and things are going well around the Fowler household. We had our annual promotion for our Wednesday night classes. I am losing two of my girls and gaining Haley and two of her friends.  It's going to be a change mainly because I am getting new girls and they are on the younger end of the grades my class covers.  I also think it may be difficult having Haley in there, but we will see.  As I've been told, I am a little harder on them than some of the other teachers.  Let's just say I push them to do things they don't think they can do and sometimes that can be hard to adjust to.

And in our Sunday School class we are gaining two newbies. I'm excited about that. I like our class, but I'm sure it's hard to adjust from any one teacher to another since everyone is a little different.

The kids are starting to get excited about Seth coming. And I'm loving it.  Haley comes up to me and rubs my belly and talks to Seth often and Katelynn has been doing this from the beginning.  I guess its becoming more real to them because they can actually see my belly getting bigger and we look at pictures of how big Seth should be every week. Only 13 weeks left and it'll be here before we know it.  I'm getting excited.

Today I did something that is not at all what the old Sandra would have done.  I went up to someone, who kind of intimidates me, and initiated a normal conversation in which I apologized about a misunderstanding.  I am so thankful God gives us second chances.  I guess the main reason I am so proud of myself is that I have struggled with this for so long.  I have been so locked up, intimidated, and not able to just be real and honest and today, with God's strength, I crossed this hurdle.  And it went fine.  And I am gaining confidence that I can do this again and it will be okay.  It is so hard to put yourself out there when your heart remembers the hurt from the past where you got your head chopped off, but I'm not letting that control me anymore.  Because God is big enough and He can make a way for me to keep moving forward in him.  

16w6d

So BJ bought a memory card reader so I have a few weeks of prego pics to post.

13 Weeks

15 Weeks

16 weeks

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 16 Weeks 6 Days

Size of baby: About 5 inches long from head to rump and weighs about 5 ounces.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 3.5 pounds.  I am still under normal weight gain, but I'm sure I'll catch up.  I'm not trying to be skinny, but I do know that I only need 300 extra calories per day for the baby to grow properly, so I'm trying to stay close to that and not use the "I can eat anything because I'm pregnant" excuse.  I have always been worried I wouldn't be able to lose the baby weight when I had kids, so I guess I am being cautious.  My doctor hasn't said anything about me gaining too little weight, yet. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and we will see if he says anything then.

Maternity Clothes: I am wearing whatever is comfortable.  Either maternity tops or loose fitting regular tops and maternity bottoms when I can. (I don't have as many work appropriate maternity pants, so my belly-bands have come in handy).

Gender: Don't know yet, but I think its a girl for now anyways. I would like to find out soon, so we'll see if my doctor plans a gender reveal sono soon.

Movement: None yet that I know of.  Hello, I'm a first time mom so it may take a while before the baby moves and I identify it as such.  Everything I read says about 18 weeks, but it could be later if I don't know what I'm looking for.

Sleep:I am sleeping better now that my breasts aren't so sore all the time.  I am a stomach or side sleeper normally, so I think not being able to sleep on my stomach took a little getting used to.

What I miss: pants that fit without a belly band,

Cravings: None really. Just whatever I want at that moment.

Symptoms:  get lightheaded or dizzy if I stand up too fast

Best moment this week: People actually saying I look pregnant. I'm glad I'm past the chubby stage and actually look pregnant. I am looking forward to finding out what we are having and getting to see my family at our family reunion/Christmas in June in a few weeks and tell my story.  I haven't seen most of them in a while and only my grandparents since we got the kids almost 8 months ago.

So if you've been keeping up on facebook life is just plain crazy right now.  As of yesterday, we are officially homeless, as in we don't own a home.  But since I paid the "lease" for the next few weeks we are at least renters I guess.  We were able to sell our house to one of my best friends from high school. In the fall, I guess, we'd kind of joked around about her wanting our house, but she wasn't ready to buy and we really weren't ready to sell. So here we are, both of our situations have changed a bit (hello! I have 4 kids!) and we were able to make it all work.  It'll be nice to be able to come back to our first house and remember all of the great times here.

On the 22nd we are supposed to close on the new house we are purchasing. God gave us so much more house than we thought we'd get for less money than we thought we'd pay. And our house payment is going up by less than $200 per month.  Our new house is just another way God has been paving the way for our new family. We are so blessed and I am excited to be in the new place and settled.

We have a maybe adoption date for next week.  The paperwork was submitted to the court on May 16th and we are waiting to hear if the judge has read and approved the adoption so we can get our date. It'd be great for all this to happen before we move for more reason than one.  And as soon as the adoption is final, I can post picks of whomever and whatever I want on this blog without breaching privacy policies.  I am really excited to make a header (or have BJ make one) that has a family picture in it.  Just because I can.

We have a family vacation coming up in Kansas and the kids will get to meet a lot of my mom's family.  I have showed them pics of their cousins and aunts and uncles and they are so excited to have such a big family.  Before, I think they only had one aunt and 3 cousins. And I'm excited to introduce them and show them off.  Typical new mom, I guess.

So the theme of my month is change, and a lot of it.  Change is good. I didn't use to think so, but I've learned to trust God and the changes he is bringing to our family.  And its going to be good.  We can never get to God's best for us unless we are willing to leave the place we are, what is comfortable, and walk through the door to something new. Better.

God uses change to change us. He doesn't use it to destroy or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny. -Beth Moore

Pride vs Confidence

Pride lives on the defensive against anyone or anything that tries to subtract from its self-sustained worth. Confidence, on the other hand, is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away. ~ Beth Moore

Living in a Defensive Mode - Have you ever felt like you had to stand up for yourself or like you were constantly being attacked?  God doesn't want us to be walked all over and mistreated, but when we think we are responsible for defending our self worth or ego, we are walking in pride and not confidence.

Self-Sustained Worth - I think the reason we go in defensive mode is because we are trying to maintain something we created.  Not God, us. Pride is based on a self-sustained perception of our worth. Our value and worth is constantly being attacked, as women especially, because the devil knows he can get to us that way.  We try to be "Super Moms" and "Wonder Women" in an effort to prove we are valuable and we count.  All of these things are an attempt at sustaining the worth we think we have or we have created for ourselves and is not based on what God thinks of us.

Driven by Certainty - What motivates you?  A lot of times we are motivated by the attacks we feel we are under and so our mode is defensive again.  When we are motivated by the certainty, steadfastness, sure and firm character of God who created us, we are free from the burden or responsibility of proving our self-worth to others.  What they think doesn't really matter anyways.  Only God's opinion counts. I think a lot of women struggle with this, including me.  There is such an unspoken competition between moms and women and it is destroying us.  We compare ourselves to others and our kids to others and that is all driven by the self sustained worth and not by what God thinks of us. We have to choose to not care what others think (easier said than done) and find our drive, our motivation in what God says about us.

Our identity in God can not be taken away - God is protecting our identity in him and no one or nothing can change who we are in Christ, even us.  I think we look at who God says we are and look and where we've been and the mess we have made, and think we can change what God thinks.  It just isn't true.  I have many times in my life read through list upon list about who God says I am.  Because I know it is a constant struggle for me. And I still struggle with getting those scriptures, that identity from my head (where I know it to be true) to my soul (where it changes how I carry myself and how I respond to God and others.)

Today I choose (again) to start moving from pride in what I can do or who I am to confidence in who God made me to be.  Will you join me?

Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. ~Beth Moore

So this week I've started reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity.  To most people I come across as self assured and secure, and honestly, most the time I feel that way too.  But when I read this line in the book, it hit me square between the eyes.

I hate messing up. I hate failing and strive to control and make perfect everything I can in my life. But it's really all a way I coverup the parts of myself that I can't control and that I don't like. 

I hate my skin. Hate it.  Most of the time I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me, but on occasion the devil rears his ugly head and reminds me that my skin isn't like everyone else. And I get very self conscious.  Most of the time I don't even notice my skin and I think everyone around me just knows me and has forgotten it is the way it is.  And then someone tries to help and offer me a solution.  If there really was an easy solution to fix a genetic issue, don't you think I would have done it by now? It's not because I don't use a certain face wash or do or don't do a certain regiment. It is a genetic trait that was passed down to me and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

So I downplay the whole makeup and hair routine.  Because I'd rather not take the time or effort to attempt to fix something that can't be fixed.  I have never spent a lot of time getting ready.  I actually like my hair, but it's easier to say I didn't try, kept it simple, than to go to all the effort and still have people make comments and offer "helpful" tips. Over the years, I've learned it's okay to not be beautiful on the outside because I can make it up by being smart, or singing well, or being a good teacher, or being faithful. And hope no one notices the things about myself I'd rather ignore.

And here comes the perfectionist who will work so hard at all the parts of my life I can control and can fix so maybe no one will notice where I am insecure.

Sunday's sermon by DeAnn led me back to the place of insecurity and reminded me I have got to deal with this.  

So I hope I can find freedom as I read this book and let God deal with some stuff I have been avoiding for so long.  Because I am tired of being this person. And I don't have to live this way.