Faith Words

Today, or rather this week, I've compared myself to others, I've asked God why me? I've struggled as I fell on my face again as a mom.  But instead of rehashing all of that and blogging through my tears I'm doing something really intentional, even though I don't feel it at all.

Today I'm choosing to be thankful for what God has given me and not dwell in the what-ifs. Today I'm thankful that my house is full and never quiet. That there is chaos and fussing between the kids because at least that means there are kids here. Today I'm thankful that God has given me them all to draw me closer to him. Today I'm thankful for the plans he has for them even though I can't see it and it is definitely not going to be fulfilled through my efforts which always seem to fall short.

I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs. I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to be silly and goofy. I'm thankful that they aren't shy or intimidated by others often (such the opposite of me as a little girl). I'm thankful that they make friends easily. I'm thankful that they are respectful to others. I'm thankful that they don't fight me about going to church. I'm thankful that despite my failings, which are many, they are thriving. I'm thankful for God's grace when I mess things up.

I'm thankful that God's ways are greater than mine. I'm thankful that he sees potential when I can't. I'm thankful that he knows each one of my kids and has had plans for them since before they were born. Before I had any thoughts or intentions regarding adoption and adding them to our family. I'm thankful that His word always accomplishes his purposes.

I'm thankful that this too will pass. I'm thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful that he has them, all of them in the palm of his hands. I'm thankful that God's plans are purposeful and intentional and not accidental.

I'm thankful that God is changing me. I'm thankful that His strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm thankful that I don't have to make God's will happen. I'm thankful that God knew what he was doing when he gave them, all of them, to us, and he still knows what he is doing now. His plans didn't change because I'm not the mom I wish I was, but he knew me, and gave them to us and still chose this for them. Because our family was His best for them.

Praise God for He is Good!!

Gearing Up

School and I have a love hate relationship. I personally love learning and love helping with homework, but I hate the pressure school puts on my kids. I hate that a lot of the time schoolwork is an argument we have. That I can't do it all for them or make it easier for them.

Every year I try really hard to have no expectations. So I won't be disappointed when they aren't met. And historically, when I take a breath and feel like things are going okay (which is a big accomplishment), I get hit in the chest with reality. Whether by a call from a teacher or the first parent teacher conference or an IEP/ARD meeting (I hate these!)

So this year I am giving myself goals and expectations that I control rather than placing that on my kids (which is just normal for me, even when I intentionally don't). Goals about how I react and how I help or motivate them.

Originally I decided I would try to focus on the positive. Give a lot of positive reinforcement and not even mention the negative unless they ask for help on that end. And I realized I have problems with that because I often don't even see the positive. So my prayer has changed to "God, help me see the good you see. Help me see them as you do." Cause I've realized I can't comment on what I don't see.

For fear that I am praising them when they are being irresponsible behind my back or when I don't have all the facts, I've been hesitant to praise. (And the fact that I'm not just a natural encourager.) But God has convinced me, that even if they are doing other things I don't want to encourage behind my back and even if it appears that I am being manipulated to others looking in and judging my parenting choices, I have to choose to see past that and praise the good. Even if I look a fool. Even if they are manipulating me. That is all on them and I can only control me. And I  don't want any regrets, but  want to know I'm parenting  how God has showed me. And I'll take the other stuff to God and let him have those things.

God knows I can't do this by myself, so he'll have to give grace a lot and provide strength and help me as I move forward on to the next school year.

30 Blogs Day 6

Day 6 is supposed to be my favorite superhero and why. I've seen many superhero movies but am not into superheroes,so I've opted to revisit a previous day that gave me two options.  The option I didn't select from day 4 is something I'm looking forward to.

This one is kind of hard for me because I'm always planning and thinking ahead and hoping things turn out as I anticipated. So, with that in mind, there are a few things I'm looking forward to:

1. Kids 1, 2, and 3 graduating school. It's not that I want them to grow up faster than it already feels like, but at least today, I want that struggle to be over for them. Obviously, I'd love for them to succeed and feel successful in an academic setting, but there are moments ,the realist in me just wants that to be over. In that same thought, I am looking forward to each of them finding their passion and pursuing it, not because it is expected or normal, but because there is so much confidence that comes with that. I know God has big things for each of them and am excited to see what that is.

2. Seth and Julia going to school. I really think it's gonna be a totally different experience, much more similar to mine, than it has been for the big kids. I love school and am looking forward to them loving it too so I can not dread it anymore.

3. Being a part of a thriving growing church. I fully believe God is getting ready to blow open the doors at RLC and it's gonna be a totally different church in the near future. The growing pains aren't fun, but I'm so ready to be in the middle of some exciting things God is bringing our way.

Impeccable Timing

This evening I got the chance to have dessert with one of my cousins and catch up with her. It was a nice time. We talked about what is going on in each of our lives. I'm so glad we made the time to get together.

One theme seemed to permeate every discussion, every update.

We serve a God of impeccable timing.

I can look back through my life, through all the struggles and be assured that when things seemed to be an utter disaster and not going at all as I thought they should, God always knew exactly what he was doing and his timing (which was so different from mine) was always perfect.

I remember when my children's church leader was asked to step down. I was crushed, but God knew what he was doing. God's plan would draw me closer to him and teach me to serve him and not man. To keep my perspective in check and my focus his direction. And his timing was perfect.

I remember being forced to put myself in leadership in kids church. Forced to learn to play the piano/keyboard and lead worship for the kids. I hated it, wanted nothing to do with it, but it is where and when God was able to grow those giftings in me and teach me to lead others in worship.  And his timing was perfect.

I remember starting to play piano in the main service at the age of 14. I remember the difficulty I had. I hated playing hymns and cried often when I messed up. But once again, that is where God pushed me. And his timing was perfect.

I remember thinking I knew what kind of leader and husband I needed and pursuing those types of people. I remember God bringing me Bj and the doubts I had about how it would ever work. He wasn't the type I thought I needed. I was wrong. And God's timing was perfect. God brought me Bj and saved me from pursuing my plans over his. Saved me from heartbreak and broken relationships. God knew what he was doing.

I remember struggling for children, begging and pleading with God to give me what I wanted. Feeling like he was punishing me or ignoring me. I remember opening my heart to the idea of adoption (that I had closed from years prior). I remember submitting our profile for three awesome kids, getting rejected once and picked the second time. I remember the fearful steps we took, one at a time, unsure in our minds but convinced in our spirits they were to be our kids. And God's timing was perfect.

I remember putting aside my perfect parenting ideas and learning how to choose to love kids that were not like me. Who didn't have my tendencies or personality, who experienced life differently, whose upbringing was world apart from mine. It was terrifying for my heart and mind. But I remember KNOWING they were ours and clearly seeing God's timing was perfect.

I remember seeing the first positive pregnancy test. The kids had been with us for 5 months. We were still finding our groove and this was the time God chose to grow our family again. I remember very often (and still to this day) people's opinions that we just needed to relax and we'd get pregnant. The comment that we should have adopted sooner or as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant put adoption as the source of our magic provision, but I know differently. I know our ability to conceive at just this time had nothing to do with luck or "not thinking about it" but God's timing was perfect.

I remember when I first put the pieces together about the Snyder's retirement from our church as pastor's. I cried when Bj confirmed my suspicions. One more major life change I was not ready to handle. On the other side of the transition, as difficult as it was, I am again convinced that God's timing was perfect.

There are other things I'm praying about and believing God for, and the truth shows me that in those situations, God will answer when it is his perfect time. Because he is faithful like that. I may not enjoy the unknown in the meantime, but I can rest in the fact that God has impeccable timing.

Growth

If you've been reading my blog at all recently, you'll know that my church is in a new chapter, a time of change, a time of growth. We often at church hear people talking about wanting to grow the church and bringing people in. And while that is all good in theory, I think each of us has a different opinion of what growth looks like. And if it comes in a way that is less than desirable to us, we quickly realize that is not what we want.

Let me say from the start, that from my opinion the growth of one church at the expense of the other is not growth. I don't want a church filled with people who left their previous church for the next new thing. This is like transferring money between your bank accounts and saying you received a bonus. Now, I really believe that God can and does move people to different churches for a season of life, so I'm not invalidating that at all. But that is not how I think God wants to see his church grow.

If we are honest, we want our church to grow by God adding model Christians to our congregation. People who are just like us, who fit in with us. And we want it to happen totally by the power of God and without us having to really do anything to facilitate or manage that growth. We want growth to be easy and pleasant and not mess up our normal or require much of us at all.

Last night after church there was a guy walking in front of the church parking lot. I've never seen him before and he was kind of taking his time like he wanted to talk to someone. Haley said "we should go invite him to church." I told her to not go alone, but to grab a few of the youth to go with her. She asked them and no one would go with her. Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that every person is nice or safe (which is why I told her not to go by herself) but I was shocked when she told me these church people, who I don't consider to be shy at all, would not go with her to invite the guy to church.

The excuses I heard from Daniel were, "We don't know him. What if he's weird? What if he wants to stalk me."  I told him we weren't introducing ourselves and handing out our address and phone number, we were inviting him to church. The church he was walking in front of obviously wanting someone to at least say hi. And as far as I know, we all ignored him because he isn't our ideal candidate for a church attendee. (Me included. I was wrangling kids, but I should have went with her when no one else would.)

So this is what we've come to. We want nice easy clean church growth, but we don't really want to actually have to be nice to people or to talk to someone we don't know.

I know this sounds like I'm picking on people and maybe I am a little, but it hits home too. I always have excuses why I can't witness or invite people to church. My biggest is that we live 20 minutes from the church so it isn't exactly in the neighborhood or convenient. I've decided I've got to stop making up what their excuse will be and just start talking. If they want an excuse, it can be on them,. but it will not longer be me not providing an invitation.

I've lived in my neighborhood 5 years. I don't know a single name of one of my neighbors. I know their kids as they come through the house from time to time, but not a single adult. Not one. So this weekend we are making cookies and taking them around to my 5 closest neighbors, introducing myself (and whichever kid decides to join me) and inviting them to church. And if they decide to come, great! If they don't, okay, but we have to start somewhere. All of us need to start somewhere.

When did we become so inwardly focused we are so afraid of an awkward conversation that we choose to let people around us go to hell? That is so selfish of us!

Which leads me back to why do we want growth anyways? So the new pastor can look good? So we can feel like we are successful at something and not forever stuck? No, because God wants to grow his kingdom and he chooses to use us. Yes, we can and should pray that God will bring people in, but we have to put some action with our faith and get to walking and talking.

This brings me back to an analogy of the eagle I heard a couple of weeks back. The first thing the eagle does when it's preparing it's eaglet to learn to fly on it's own is start stirring the nest. The purpose is to get the eaglet uncomfortable so it will get out of the place of comfort and safety, taking the risk required to learn to fly. The problem is most of the time when we get uncomfortable because God is trying to get us to take the next step, we leave one comfortable nest for another comfortable nest. That isn't forward progress! It's denial.

If we are unwilling to put some action with our faith, our inaction shows our inner selves. Maybe we just say we want growth because it seems like the right thing to say, Maybe if things get changed enough, we will have the appearance of growth without any substance. Maybe that's really want we want. 

God help us to see people as you see them! To see this season as an opportunity to follow your heart in a way we never have before. To put ourselves out there, knowing you will honor our willingness and grow your Kingdom for your name sake.

It is Well With My Soul

So January has come and gone, already. The 2 crazy weeks getting payroll forms completed are behind me and I'm getting back to normal.

My life seems to be surrounded by change right now. There is the looming pastoral election, additional responsibilities at church, change at work, BJ schedule change in addition to the normal (which is always at least a little up in the air with 5 kids and 7 schedules to keep an eye on.)

And yet in the middle of this all, I'm at peace. Because God is my peace. My ability or inability to control everything does not determine the status of my soul.

The old me would have been stressed to the max, breaking into tears if someone looked at me wrong, but not anymore. If nothing else, this season is proving to myself that God has done a great work in me. Praise God!

Wednesday night, I had the privilege of speaking in the adult Bible study. My primary scripture was from Joshua 1:5 where God encouraged Joshua that he would be with him through the transition to leadership just like he was with Moses. As our life focus changes from making everything perfect and appear like we have it all together to being closer to God than ever before and obeying his direction each day, the details of this life seem rather insignificant. They are not worth losing my peace over, that's for sure.

OK, now for a quick update on the kids.

Haley (13) is doing well at school. Taking responsibility for her work and just overall growing up rather than feeling the need to argue when she doesn't agree or act out to get attention. I'm so proud of her.

Daniel (11) has the desire to do well and is learning to have self control and refocus himself when he gets distracted. He is taking responsibility for his choices, able to redirect himself rather than letting one incident ruin his whole day, and apologizing to teachers and friends when needed. Math is his best subject, which I love. I always knew math came naturally for him, but we had to get to a place where he could pay attention and not dread the work. It's been a self confidence issue and I think we are getting over that hurdle.

Katelynn (10) is doing well. Math is her weakest subject, but she is getting better and better at it. They are working on telling time right now, which she is happy about because she gets that. Science has always been her strong suit. She is still talking about being a nurse when she grows up, which I think is a good fit for her.

Seth is being a strong willed 4 year old. He is in that stage where he wants to do everything by himself, but he gets frustrated when it isn't perfect. For example, he asks one of us to make him a bite because he gets mad when his food falls off the fork. He can count to over 100, recognizes most letters and he just started learning to write/trace his letters. He asks us to spell words for him from time to time, loves rhyming, and singing songs. I am looking at a preschool/mother's day out program starting in the fall. I'm thinking 2 days a week so if anyone has recommendations that would be great.

Julia is 17 months old and as sweet as can be. Unlike Seth she is not a picky eater and loves feeding herself with spoons/forks even if she makes a message. She eats part of my dinner most nights and generally loves food. I've just started giving her milk in a cup (like Seth of course) and last night she drank it all. She still nurses in the morning, but more for ease than because she needs to. She wants to control everything Seth does and more. She easily crawls up the stairs and scoots down on her bottom. (Seth always wanted to walk down the stairs which made me nervous).

She loves to talk and says a lot of words: Seth, Daniel, Haley, Sissy (Katelynn is too hard right now), mommy, dad, table (sounds like apple and means she want to eat), run, jump, bubbles, bottle, trash, cup, side (outside), song, music, Nana, Papa, Ama (Grandma), Apa (Grandpa), no, mine, up, down, apple, snack, wet, swing, pop, fishies (sounds like Aggies), baby, Neno (Nana's dog Reno), Mimi (which is either Mickey or Minnie Mouse), pease (please), owie (when she hurts herself), head, nose, eyes, hair, knee, toes, shoe, sock, march, walk and she repeats anything you tell her.

She loves music, singing and dancing, and we can usually stop her from crying by turning music on. I lay her down with her baby and blanket awake and she goes right to sleep at night and occasionally at nap time. I don't have her often for naps, so she tends to fight that more.

She is very independent and likes to get herself dressed and undressed with a little help. For comparison sake, I'm just now getting Seth to help me get himself dressed and undressed. He can do it but has just never shown interest. Maybe it's boy vs girl, maybe it's just Julia vs Seth.

And just so this is out there, and to deter the unasked question, our family is complete. We have no plans for anymore children, 5 is enough. I think my boss has this fear I'm gonna show up pregnant again because she has asked more than once lately. Haha! Unless God just wants to surprise us (which I wouldn't put past him), the Fowler 7 will stay the Fowler 7 until my kids get married, which is many years away.

I'd love to get in the routine of blogging more, but just haven't made it a priority. We will have to wait and see if I get in the groove again this year.

Choosing to Serve Rather than be Served.

I'm a little bit of a control freak. Which makes parenting very hard. I've learned that I cannot punish every time they don't live up to my expectations or I lose my peace. So for the sake of my peace (which I cannot afford to lose), I have to pick my battles. Some would say that makes me a push over. I think it makes me smart.

Each of my kids (the big ones) has a chore they are responsible for doing each week. The chores are pretty basic like bathrooms, dishwasher, or trash and they rotate. They are also responsible for their own laundry and keeping their rooms clean.

I don't generally budge on these things and they do mostly well. They know the chores and don't argue about them. Sometimes they forget and I spend more time than I wish reminding them, but they are still kids.

But today after church I decided to serve my kids instead of yelling at them to do their chores. I folded Haley's laundry and put it up, emptied and filled the dishwasher (Katelynns chore this week), and took the trash out (Daniel's chore.) No one asked me to and they were actually all surprised that I did it. And very grateful.

I've been having some battle of the wills regarding obedience and respect and realized arguing and lecturing was not the way to show them how to change. It was only driving us apart. So I chose to follow Jesus's example and show love by serving them. I have no intention of taking over their chores, but every once in a while it doesn't hurt me to step off my throne and show a little love. And it may teach them more than barking out orders ever will.

For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve... Mark 10:45

School Days

This summer has been a little different than others. We decided to leave the three older kids home alone a few days a week instead of doing daycare. We signed them up for the summer program at Mathnasium which is a drop in program for up to 1 hour per day where they could work on math. Haley did a few months at Mathnasium before, so I knew we really loved the program. Daniel was hesitant at first, but they all were glad we did it and want to go back next summer.

Leaving them at home has required them to mature a little and learn how to resolve conflict on their own. We got phone calls some days, but mostly they did pretty well. The stay at home option was also very low stress on me as I didn't even wake them up on those days and was able to get the littles up and ready pretty quickly without the normal morning conflicts. It also proved that they can stay at home while we run errands or whatever. I always take the littles with me as I'm not comfortable leaving the babies with the bigger kids yet.

This summer we were in limbo, waiting for space to open at the charge school we applied for. None of the kids got in over the summer, so we are in public school until space becomes available.

This year, Haley is riding the bus to and from school. She has to get herself on the bus after we leave and then catch the bus after school. She has been so responsible and is usually early waiting for the bus. She has also been responsible, doing her homework without me hounding her about it, asking for help and really trying to understand when we are helping her. At the middle school level, the babysitting is over and I feel like she really likes being in control of her own work. Obviously, she was in control before, but somehow when people have tried to help in the past she resisted and then would over rely on them instead of taking ownership and doing what was needed to be successful. I am seeing such a change in her. I know we are only one week in, but it is definitely improvement from before. Yesterday, we took the big kids to the eye doctor and Haley is getting glasses to help her astigmatism. Hopefully that makes school easier for her too.

Daniel is doing okay. He always pumps himself up and then is disappointed when school is school. He did say that he loves being a 6th grader, which is the top grade at his school, rather than a "little 5th grader". Choir, the elective he chose, has some of the trouble makers in it, so he doesn't like that. He also doesn't like singing in Latin, but I'm sure that's normal at this age.

Katelynn is riding the bus home from school with her BFF. This is the first year she hasn't been in class with her, so I'm glad they get to ride the bus home together. She has done pretty well with school and doing her homework. I think she likes her teacher and will have a good year.

Julia turns 1 tomorrow. How did that happen? She is sleeping through the night, has 7 teeth and just started walking in the last few days. I'll update more about her after her one year checkup on Sept 1st.

Seth went to the dentist this morning and has 2 cavities he needs fillings for. Poor boy! We are gonna try to get the fillings with only laughing gas and not sedation. Please pray for him and me that everything will go well. His appointment is on October 3rd. This mama is pretty nervous for him (and me). I cried this morning when they told me, so yeah I'm definitely gonna need God to give me strength.

Alright, there is kinda an update for now. It's been a while. I hope to blog more, but it really depends on how life goes. It's busy and there are things I have to do for me and everyone depending on me, so sometimes the blog has to wait.

And God's been showing and teaching me some precious things I just need to savor for now without jumping on the blog to share. When God releases me, I'll share some more.

I do know that God wants to be nearer to his people than ever before, so seek him and he will speak to you, reveal his heart to you, and you will be amazed by his great love.

The Big Three Four

Another year has come and gone for me. At this point in life, birthdays really aren't a big deal and the celebration is minimal (even though Seth really wanted us to wear party hats). And a new year gives me reason to reflect and I've come to one conclusion: I am really happy and I'm in a really good place right now.

My part time job is really allowing me to be the mom I want to be. I am able to cook dinner most days and just feel more in charge of my evening and time with my family rather than the evening being so stressful and running away from me and causing my organized, perfectionist self feel like a failure. Oh, it is far from perfect and I still overreact and gripe about silly things, but I'm actually enjoying being a mom and wife.

Julia is at a pretty good stage right now, sleeping through the night and is generally more easy going than Seth was at this age. She also is more mobile, which makes life an adventure, but she is also able to go where she wants and I think that makes her generally happier and less frustrated.

It's summer time, which also is nice, since I don't have to try and manage homework times three right now. Each year, the kids are learning to be more in charge of their homework and although I still have to be hands on which each of them, I'm hoping for a little more independence and personal responsibility from them this year. But for the next 2.5 weeks, home life is nice.

Seth is potty trained (except for night time) so that is also so nice. Granted he has accidents from time to time, the stressful part of that process is over for now.

I am weeks away from Julia's introduction to cows milk and the end of my pumping breastmilk at work and I am so excited. Nursing is so much easier when my work day isn't controlled so much by the clock and whether I need to pump again.

This summer my older kids stayed home a couple of days a week, which allowed them to gain some independence and responsibility. It also makes going into a school year with three different schools a whole lot less stressful. The girls are going to bus home from school which will give me some more leeway with my work hours since I feel like I can trust them at home alone.

Spiritually speaking, I feel like I'm kinda in a holding pattern. And that's okay. I was feeling really frustrated earlier this week with things I'm seeing and just what's going on in my life and God spoke very clearly to me. I need to keep my eyes on God, and not what's going on, and get myself ready so that when opportunities I've been praying for open up, I will be ready. I thought, yeah, I can do that. It's so easy to loose focus or start the comparison game and neither one of those things are good for me. I don't know why I let others bother me. Guess the devil just knows where to tempt me. So for now, I will focus on God and letting him lead my steps. He is faithful and he will take care of me if I keep spending time with him.

Love is good because God is good!

Adoption - 4 Years Later

I saw a Wednesday's child clip this week about a sibling group of 3 boys who are looking for a kind family to adopt them together. They talked about how happy they would be to be able to stay together and they just need someone to love them.

For a split second I felt like adopting them all. I actually cried. And then I realized I already have. Oh, the TV clips are so deceiving and so easily allow you to idealize what it will be like to bring three new kids into your family. How nice and polite they will be and how sweet they will respond to you, even when they have to be disciplined. (ha!) But you have to remember, you are still choosing to be a parent, and parenting is not all sunshine and roses. For any parent.

It is so easy to lose perspective. We are coming up on 4 years since the finalization of the adoption of our three kiddos.  I forgot how I initially felt when we saw my kids' pictures (both times). How my heart hurt for the things they had to endure and how I wanted so badly to come rescue them and love them the way they deserved to be loved.  I forgot about the excitement of being chosen to be their parents.  The way Katelynn stayed close by my side during the visits and wanted me to carry her. She was the most shy and scared initially. Daniel and Haley were trying to impress us with their toys and skills. How they openly showed they needed us with constant hugs and thank you's. They wanted us to parent them, to pick them (for lack of a better term). And we wanted a family.

And God chose to put us all together.

Oh, I'm so grateful for his divine plan. For giving me a family and giving them a home. It's so easy to get stuck in the yuck of life and forget that there is a purpose. That God put them here. That he gave them to us. The most precious gifts. And I love them so much! Even when they don't want to obey and don't run to me with thank yous and gratitude. I still love them and need them and want them.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart, but it definitely gives you a glimpse of how our heavenly father feels about us. We were each adopted into his family. Now, sometimes, we act like spoiled rotten children and want to do things our own way, but he still chose us, knowing there would be days like that. Desiring to provide for us as only he can (even if we won't let him). So today I choose to feel grateful. For the adoption of my physical children into my family and our adoption into God's family.

Friend, you are loved and cherished and wanted!

 

Be a leader, not a Follower

As a parent, you go through each day, imparting words of wisdom to your kids (or lecturing depending on your perspective) hoping, praying they will take hold of some nugget of truth and run with it.

I don't really know when my morning peptalk turned from "please make good choices" and "can we make it through one day without a phone call?" to "be a leader, not a follower," but that one phrase seems to be sinking in. I didn't really know I changed my tune, but now that I'm seeing some changes, I know it was a God thing. The girls were even telling their horses on Saturday to be leaders and not followers by not taking a snack break when they were supposed to be walking. I guess that's when I realized they have been listening.

Unfortunately our public schools are filled with kids who follow the crowd and not in a positive way and my kids are struggling to find their way (obviously some schools more than others). I'm not sure when doing the right thing made you the minority, but that is what I see as a parent. It's disappointing at best.

On that same note, we are applying to get the kids in a public charter school next year where there will hopefully be less negative influences and more positive. The one we are looking at was founded by a SAGU former professor and has some SAGU alumni in their administration and faculty. I really feel like this is where my kids need to be, so I'm praying for favor in the application process and for available space in each of their grades. God knows where they need to be, so I trust him to make a way if this is it.

Rainy Mornings

I'm laying here in my bed listening to the rain hit my windows. I just love the rain. It makes me want to stay inside with a good book or take a long nap. Something about the rain brings peace and refreshing to my soul. It encourages me to slow down the busyness of life and just enjoy being still for a little while.

And the rain brings with it changes. A change of weather or atmosphere. A cleaning out of the old and growth of the new.

We are in the midst of some changes ourselves around here. We are in the process of applying for the kids to attend a public charter school in the fall. The idea of this specific charter has come up a few times recently from different people, so we decided to go for it and pray for God to open doors if this is where they need to be. I'm trying to get them somewhere where they can be more successful and school will not be such a struggle for them.  I think they'll each benefit from a different atmosphere, smaller class size, and different set of peers. They each struggle in different ways, so if we can get in and if it helps one of them, it will be worth it. Besides, if it doesn't work out, they can always go back to public school. I figure it can't hurt to try and am praying God will lead us in this.

I am not someone who enjoys change, so when I want to explore change for them, you know God must be working. Ha!

Right now, I just am ready for the summer. The kids are going to spend some time at Mathnasium this summer to help them gain some confidence in math and solidify some math concepts before the new school year begins. I'm doing that instead of daycare for a month.

Whatever changes come with the new school year (whether the normal new year changes or a totally new school system) I know God will be with us and them as we navigate whatever God has for us.

Songs for the Kiddos

When Seth was little, I wrote him a little song and would sing it to him to make him happy when he was fussy or getting his diaper changed or whatever. Haley asked me to write her a song about the same time and I just never got around to it.

Well since Julia was born I have also written her a song. None of these are anything big really, but just something catchy and easy to remember.

So I've felt kinda bad because I haven't written little songs for the big kids. Honestly, when are you with your 12 year old trying to entertain her and keep her from crying? Never. So the songs for them have not really been necessary.

This week, Seth, who had no idea I had not made up songs for the big kids, asked me to sing Haley, Daniel, and Katelynn's songs. So I obliged and made up songs for them on the fly. Just for the sake of documenting, here are the lyrics for the kids songs.

Haley

H is for the way you help me

A is for the awesome women you'll be

L for oh so lovely

E for extra extra funny

Y, yes you're the girl for me.

Daniel

Daniel, Daniel he's our man. If he can't do it no one can. 

He's so strong, he's so smart, he really is a work of art.

Daniel, Daniel he's our man. If he can't do it no one can.

Katelynn

K A T, that spells kat

L Y (why) because she loves me

N N she's my friend. Katelynn is my friend.

Seth

S is for super boy

E is for extraordinary

T is for talks to me

H is for happy happy

Seth, Seth S E T H Seth.

I love my boy and he loves me. S E T H Seth

Julia

Julia Julia she's my girl

Julia Julia loves to twirl

Julia Julia she's so fun

Julia you're the one.

Ambition

If there is one thing I have learned in my many years (okay, only 4.5) of parenting it is this: You can't teach ambition.

You can try and convince your kids of the benefits of being motivated and driven to do their best. Of how awesome it feels to work hard at something and accomplish it. Of how much less stressed life is when you finish what needs to be done before wasting time or even BEFORE it is required (gasp).

And you can't convince others to do things with excellence just because it feels good. And you can't punish them into it either. (Groan...)

But every once in a while, out of the blue (and probably because God is smiling down on you in that moment) a child decides, on their own, to reach for the stars and actually work towards meeting their goals.

This time it was Daniel. This morning he decided he needed to study. Not because he has a test coming or didn't understand something his teacher went over in class. But just because he wants to do better. His goal is straight As. He pulled out his workbook that I bought them for this past summer so he could work on whatever after he finished his homework. I talked to him about dividing his goal into smaller more attainable steps so he could feel accomplished and not get disappointed and quit if it was taking too long and he still didn't have straight As. I think he's good with that. Hopefully he can keep his attitude in a good place and his motivation up!

And even if this is short lived, I know that he can come back to this place if he chooses.  And when I'm frustrated, I want to remember this day. As proof that God can give ambition and motivation because I most certainly can't force it into them.

Three Months

I know that I'm behind, but at least this blog is getting done at all. 

My sweet girl Julia was three months old Thanksgiving week. At three months old, her clothes are true to size as she is just getting into her 3-6 month clothes. I have a few 0-3 month dresses I'm trying to get her to wear one more time before they are too small. 

She is sleeping through the night (from 10 to 6) or so. She usually falls asleep by 9 and then I wake her up for her 10 o'clock feeding before I go to bed. She goes to sleep pretty easily and stays asleep, unlike Seth. Somehow, I have been blessed with an even easier baby than Seth this time around, and I though Seth was easy. I'm pretty sure he woke up at least once a night until almost a year old.

And she is a great eater still. It's so weird to hear people comment on how big/chubby she is for her age. She is average as far as percentages go, but Seth was/is sooo small!

She already says "MaMa" but only as a part of her cry. I really think she says it in reference to me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

She is fussy in the evening and oftentimes I am the only one that can make her happy. Not really loving that, but this too will pass. Sometimes it's nice to be needed, but I will be totally fine when this stage passes.

She is really smiley and starting to giggle. Her smile and giggle are contagious. I love watching the other kids, including Seth, try to make her smile or laugh.  Seth's sweet voice when he talks to her is so precious!

Between a three year old who is in his rebellious stage and a 3 month old who cries only for me in the evening, I am pretty over this. I guess this is God's way of reminding me our family is complete. 

Happy three months sweet girl!!

Thankful Box

In Royal Rangers, Daniel made a thankful box. He brought it home with blank papers for his family to write what they were thankful for and why. Because of the busy schedule of the last couple of days and because we forgot to take the box to my mom's on Thanksgiving, we did this fun family activity last night. I thought I'd share what we are thankful for this year. Daniel made me promise to share them all. I edited for spelling but didn't change the wording. I wanted to use up all the papers so I have more than everyone else.

B.J. - I am thankful for my kids because God gave them to me.

Katelynn - I am thankful for a God who made me special the way I am because he loves meeeeeeeeeee!!
               - I am thankful for a not drunk mom and dad that I can trust because I had harmful parents that owned me and it was scary to be there as young as I was you see.

Daniel - I am thankful for my family because they love me.
            - I am thankful for my toilet so I don't have to go in my pants.

Haley - I am thankful for Dad and Mom because they are awesome and groovy.
           -I am thankful for you all because you're awesome.....ya ya ya.
           -I am thankful for Seth because he makes me happy when I'm sad. He's funny.

Sandra - I am thankful for health for me and my family because there are many people who deal with sickness more than us.
            - I am thankful for my family because I didn't think I'd ever have kids, but God blessed me with five.
            - I am thankful for music because it allows me to express myself without words.
            - I am thankful for the ability to work fewer hours because I enjoy being able to help my kids with school work and being involved on their lives.
           - I am thankful for B.J. because he loves me and supports me.
           - I am thankful for God's forgiveness when I mess up and the chance to try again.
          - I am thankful for God choosing to use me because it feels awesome to see the result of obedience when he speaks.

Being intentionally grateful always seems to put things in perspective. No matter how rough life is, there are always things to be thankful for. It just shows the faithfulness of God in every part of our lives.

Called to This

This morning was hard! I was running behind (not the kids, me) because this weekend has been a whirlwind and I didn't get bottles washed and was generally not ready for the day. So I was trying to get everything done so we could get out the door and to school/Nana's/work. I wasn't yelling, I was just focused and moving as fast as possible to get things done.

The kids started arguing about something piddly and I just broke down.Tears flowed as I finished getting everyone and everything ready.

And God very clearly said "I called you to this." It settled my soul, but I still felt broken, inadequate and like such a waste of time.

It pretty plain to see that God has changed me through the processing of learning to become a parent. I had such great ideas of how nicely it would all work and turn out. I was determined to be a dictator and to make my kids do what I wanted them to. After all, I am nothing if I don't have it all together. Or that's how I felt when this journey started.

God has sense taught me grace and how to be patient and loving more than I am a strict dictator.  And that is not my natural tendencies so it is hard for me. And although that sounds all nice and lovely, I have learned that even parenting God's way doesn't mean the results will be what you wish for.

Some days I feel like I give and I give and I give and I get nothing in return. That I care way more about them and their success than they do. That I am wasting my time in trying to motivate and/or help them.

But I was called to this.

Why would God call me to be disrespected. Hurt. Insulted. by the very people I'm trying to guide?

Because their souls are worth my feelings being hurt. I'm strong enough to endure even the most difficult emotional days for their sake. I just have to keep it all in perspective and never give up. For he who called me is faithful.

By the time I got home, my energy was renewed and I was ready to go again. Some days/moments are really hard! Some are great! But mostly its just life.  Doing what I was called to do.

This afternoon I found myself helping three kids with different math homework while holding a fussy baby and supervising Seth on the trampoline. Never a dull moment around here. I couldn't help but smile at what "normal" looks like for me. And I thought my life was busy and full before I had kids. I clearly had no clue!

I Didn't Even Cry

The past two days, I have gone to three different teacher meetings. This are standard meetings in MISD for all students. Katelynn and Daniel's went pretty much as planned. Haley's meetings always make me nervous. I feel like I have a good idea of what is going on based on what she tells me and usually leave crying from what she didn't tell me. Maybe it's so emotional because I try every year to be hopeful and leave the meeting disappointed. In my ability to help her. In her ability to take help and let it move her forward. Feeling hopeless.

But by the time I left her meeting today, I felt really proud of her. I feel like her teachers and I have a common understanding and I'm really hopeful to see her growth this year. In the past week I feel like Haley and I have reached an understanding and she's trying, at least for now, to be open with me and stop trying to hide things from me. And by herself, without grade adjustment because she is labeled special ed, she passed all her classes the first 6 weeks. I praying things only go up from here.

The teachers said great things about her behavior, and they all really enjoy having her as a student. She tried to push some boundaries at first but has settled in and generally does what she should. They had a lot of positive things to say about her and I'm really proud of her maturity.

I really feel like she'll be able to keep doing better and be successful in school this year and in the future. Praise God!! There have been a lot of prayers for my sweet girl and I'm glad to see improvements on all fronts!

Football Mom

I have been very careful not to overstretch my family with commitments over the years. Each kid has taken their turn playing sports and doing an extracurricular activities. In the spring I finally bit the bullet and committed Daniel to play football. This has been the biggest time commitment by far and I knew that going in. If I wasn't off on maternity leave for 7 of the 10 weeks, I honestly don't think I would have signed him up, at least not for the first year when I really wasn't sure how much time it would require of us.

But I am glad I let him play. He practices 3 days a week and has been pretty good at getting homework done right after school. Most of the time BJ is home in time to take him to practice and then pick him back up after the other kids are in bed. His team is 4-0 and Daniel is so excited! His basketball team never won a game, so it feels good to win. Even though he doesn't get to play a lot, it does something for his self esteem to see his team win. He was the first captain last week which meant he got to lead the team in stretches and got to talk to the refs (his words) at the beginning of the game on Saturday.

Last week Daniel almost had an interception. The ball came right to him but he wasn't able to hold on to it. Now he prays for another chance at an interception each week. He hasn't complained once about not getting to play as much as some kids (it is his first year), but he eagerly await his turn on the sidelines and cheers on his team while he waits. His coaches are doing really good teaching and encouraging him, so this has been a really good experience for him.

And I love football! We go to the games as a family and cheer him on. Seth is so funny copying whatever he hears people yelling. He likes to yell "Go Daniel!" as loud as he can regardless of whether Daniel is on the field at that moment. He'd has also sweet talked other parents out of candy and other food during the game.

When football is over, I'm sure he'll feel like he has so much free time. Hopefully he'll continue to do his homework first thing without complaining and enjoy time to play. I think he'll want to play again next year, and as long as he can keep a good attitude and stay in top of his school work, I'm happy to sign him up again.

Julia's Birth Story

Let me start by saying God is so gracious and merciful! For the most part things went really well. During our few hiccups I just remained focused and wasn't at all anxious or worried. I was totally at peace through every thing and give all the glory!

We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 4:30am on Thursday August 27th. At 3:35, they called us to move it back to 6:15. I was already up and my mom was on her way to my house when we told her so we chatted an hour before I let her go back to sleep and we left for the hospital. We put the car seat base in at about 5:45. Nothing quite like last minute.

We got to the hospital on time and in the first thirty minutes, I got my IV (without passing out), got all the baby/contraction monitors hooked up and Julia started kicking the monitors. I was dilated 2 cm when they started the Pitocin at 7:20. Doctor Wiegman showed up at 8, checked me and I was 3.5 cm and Julia's head at -2 station. He broke my water.

At about 9:45, I got an epidural and was so happy when it took affect. I could still feel the contractions on the top of my uterus, which I don't remember from Seth's delivery. Julia has been so much higher in my ribs the entire pregnancy so maybe that is the reason I felt the contractions so high up with her. At about 10:15 we started noticing a significant heart rate drop for Julia with each contraction down to 60 or 70 beats per minute and quickly recovering to 140 after the contraction was over. At 11 they gave me oxygen to try and help. Seth did the same thing and had the cord around his neck twice so we anticipated the same.

Doctor Wiegman showed up about noon and checked me to find I was complete and ready to push. Mom had just got there with Seth so I said a quick hi and bye before I started pushing. I was surprised he wasn't freaked out with me in a hospital bed, especially because I had oxygen on my face. He was all smiles and excited to meet Julia.

I pushed through three contractions and she was born at 12:10pm. Doctor Wiegman later said he was glad we got her here fast or he was going to have to do something because the cord was around her neck so tightly. She came out a little blue in the face with a bruise across her forehead and on her arm. Her hands and feet were white because of poor circulation during delivery. The nurse said she was glad I wasn't more worried because they were able to give direction without dealing with an emotional mom. As I prayed for, I was blissfully ignorant of how bad it really was or could have been and was able to enjoy her delivery and not worry. That was definitely a God thing!

She weighed 7 lb 5.8 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Bigger than Seth by almost 12 oz. Dr. Wiegman though she may be smaller than Seth due to the measurements of my uterus and weight gain at the end of the pregnancy, but he was wrong. The nurses asked me at some point how big I thought she was and I said bigger than Seth, over 7 pounds, and I was right.

They handed her to me for some skin to skin time and to try an get her to nurse. She didn't want to latch on, which the nurses attributed to her being tired from her tough delivery. The grandparents (minus my dad) were allowed back in about 12:30 and I was told they would take Julia to the nursery about 1:30 to clean her up and get her to cry a bit to help with circulation. Jill and the girls got there about 1 and got to meet Julia before she went back to be cleaned up.

After they took her back to the nursery, the nurse got me cleaned up and into my postpartum/recovery room. As soon as she left, I got out of bed, changed clothes and got settled on the couch. When the next few nurses came in to introduce themselves, they were shocked to find me out of bed and commented how I didn't look like I'd just had a baby. That was my goal from the beginning and I am glad things went well and I could speed up my recovery by being active without overdoing it.

That evening, we had some more visitors including Pastor and Sister Snyder, Kim Williams, my coworkers (Elaine, Shannon, Alex, and Jeff), and all the kids and my mom and dad. We were able to get a new family picture (which we failed to do when Seth was born and I've regretted).

When we left the hospital the day after she was born, Julia's weight was only down to 6lbs15oz, which is about 5% of birthweight. She also was not jaundice at all. Praise the Lord! She had already become a pretty good eater (much attributed to a mom who knew what she was doing) and we haven't had any weight issues with her.

 

We went to the pediatrician on Thursday (9/3) for her first well check and everything was perfect. Her weight was up to 7lb 1oz and she had already grown a quarter of an inch (although the way they measure length is definitely less than perfect) and all her percentages are about average. 25th percentile in weight, 46th percentile in height and 21st percentile in head circumference.  They also told me we could do the 10 day blood test at the office when we go for her 2 week checkup instead of at the hospital. This was an answer to prayer as the hospital where we would normally go for this is not on my insurance, so I'd decided to figure out if there was another way to do this or if we could just avoid it all together. The doctor mentioned it without me even asking, so I know God was making this as easy as possible for me.

And life as a family of 7 has begun!