30 Blogs - Day 8 A Picture of you with your Family

I thought it might be fun to take a trip down memory lane with this one...

Pre Kids

First Family Picture 2011

2011

2012

2013

2014

Fall 2015 - Seth in typical fashion

Summer 2017 (Now)

Opportunity?

So I'm just coming off of a not so good confrontation. There were misunderstandings and hurt feelings and miscommunication really. It seems to be the story of my life when faced with an unpleasant issue that needs to be addressed. To say I am less than confident in my ability to effectively communicate would be an overstatement. Things never come out how I plan them to. My clear rational thought get mangled with my feelings and I come across as weak rather than strong and driven by a goal that would be mutually beneficial.

So God thought this was the perfect time for me to be a facilitator of open communication in a different setting and situation all together with different people. I was given this role because it is thought that I'm the best in the group for this position. I'll admit, after the fact, and given time to articulate myself and think through things, I do okay. It's in the moment that I don't do as well. So God is pushing me into this. I really don't want to. I really hate failing and this is where I fail a lot.

This is not the first time I've had to do something I didn't want to do (I know you are shocked!) And I know that if I can learn how to better communicate, especially in high stress times, it will lower my stress and help me in the long run. I won't be held back by my insecurity in this area if I can succeed (with a lot of help from God and the practice I hope to gain.) I have to rely on the fact that God's ways are not my ways. That he knows what's coming down the pipe. That he's preparing me for whatever that is.

So opportunity, here I come...

"God given opportunities often come disguised as man-eating lions. And how we react when we encounter those lions will determine our destiny." 

                                ~Mark Batterson, In A Pit With A Lion on a Snowy Day

Cheerleader

Everyone needs a cheerleader or two. Someone who will come along and tell you to go for it, that you can do it, that it's okay, or will be okay. Someone who sees your value and encourages you to obey God, especially when his instructions don't make sense (that would be always Isaiah 55:8) and you are having doubts.

Some of my best cheerleaders over the years (and much more recently) have been authors and their books. Now I would never say that God's word comes second to a good book, but I definitely believe there is room for both. I'm not talking about good positive thinking books, but books that God uses to speak to us. It can be like having an in-depth heart to heart conversation with a fellow believer.

I've been reading a lot this year and more of the nonfiction variety than before. Leadership books. Parenting books. Books about grace and discipleship. Books about relationships and marriage. And I've been so encouraged by them. They push me to get in God's word, to obey God quickly and intentionally, to follow His ways.

So if you aren't reading to push yourself, to explore God's best for you, you are missing out. And maybe missing that little push you need to go to the next level in your Christian walk.

Grieving and Waiting

This week, I've read The Road To Becoming by Jenny Simmons. She was the lead singer for Addison Road until the band disbanded in 2011. Great read for someone who feels like they are in a waiting pattern and not quite sure where to turn next. The chapters are short and it's a quick read. I would highly recommend it.

There are a couple of things God showed me through the book that I'd like to share.

Sometimes you need to grieve what you feel is lost. It's okay to grieve! You can't move to the now if you're holding on to what was, hoping, praying it will come to life. For me it isn't something or someone physical. It's an expectation, a dream I had for my life. And I realize that when I feel like I am a failure, I'm comparing my now with what I expected for myself. And it isn't fair to myself or my family.

Grieving doesn't mean giving up. But it does mean letting things from the past go and not living to fulfill them or continually being upset that things aren't as you dreamed. I have to learn to become who God has for me to become in the here and now, and I can't do that if I'm holding on to the unrealistic expectation I set for me. And I can't move forward while I'm holding on to the past.

Grieving or letting go in order to move on is much easier when there is something to move on to. When there is a hope and a future to strive for. To pursue. But grieving in order to wait on what's next. That's harder than anything I've ever done.

Waiting...not my strength for sure.

I often feel like my life has been a cycle of much more waiting than doing. Waiting for a husband. Waiting to finish school. Waiting for God to give us children. Waiting for an adoption match. Waiting for birth children. Waiting for the adoption to be finalized. (All of which was in God's perfect timing, but late according to my plans). And now waiting again to see God's promises fulfilled in my kids. And waiting for open doors and the next step for me personally.

Jenny says it well.

During seasons of waiting, dreams are growing up...Waiting stands in stark contrast to the spirit of accomplishment and forward progress. It requires restraint and discipline. It calls for uncanny patience, trust and hope. Hope that you can wait patiently and not in vain.

Letting new dreams grow  and fully develop might mean you have to waste time in order to fully grow, fully become.

Goodness, we speak the same language (Jenny and I). Waiting most definitely feels like wasting time a lot for me. But just like grieving and letting go, waiting is necessary.

So here I am...learning to let myself grieve for what could've been and wait for what's coming. And as much as I hate it, my flesh cringes as the thought, it is what I needed to hear right now. In this season of becoming.

Cause I will find my strength, in the shadow of his wings, as I learn to wait there.

Again

Let me start by saying that anyone who ever told you living for God was easy must not be really striving to make choices that please God, to live according to his standards, to do anything more than attend church to feel better about themselves.

The closer to God I get the more I see my sinful state. The more I struggle with my flesh and sinful tendencies. Because I am learning more each day how much I need his grace and mercy and how I cannot ever be good enough. Cannot learn or practice anything that will make me worthy of his goodness.

I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. And here I am going around the same mountain again. You know we all have that one lesson we just can't seem to learn, that test we can't seem to pass because we keep getting in our own way.

For me it's about control. Of the future. Of my kids. Of my situation. And I worry.

And God just keeps speaking to me through different sources that I can trust him. Really trust with all of it.

"If I worry I'm not trusting him to be my Abba Father and take care of me."

"When we like things to work a certain way - and when that doesn't happen we give into fear. Fear is faith in the enemy."

None of this is anything new to me but I don't know how to practically apply it. That's where I try to depend on myself. To change me and how I deal with the lack of control.

I gripe and lecture. And it gets me more frustrated because it makes no difference. I try saying nothing. And it leaves me feeling like I'm not doing enough, I'm letting them run over me.

I struggle with showing love and acceptance when I'm really just frustrated because I'm being ignored and disobeyed. Every conversation turns into a gripe, so I just avoid conversation. It keeps the peace I my house, but not in my heart.

"Oh for grace to trust Him more."

My point is that by the grace of God alone can I identify my fear/worry, give it to Jesus (not picking it back up) and truly trust him to handle it. Trusting God is not something I can muster up or learn. The ability to trust God is a gift that only he can provide by his grace. My inability to trust him fully means im not leaning on his grace enough. And that is something I have to daily ask for help with from Him.

Cause I really want to pass this test. I'm so over going around this mountain.

30 Blogs - Day 7 A Letter to Someone who has Hurt You Recently

Dear Person:

Let me start by saying I love you. Really, I do. I know that you probably don't even know that you hurt me. Or maybe you do. It doesn't really matter at this point. Every time I think I'm okay, I see you and know I am not. I'm more healed than I was originally, but still need some closure. I am still frustrated and feel like this is all so unfair. But I don't really know what I would've done differently. Not sure it would have mattered.

I wish that you would've taken the time to hear what I was saying and not distort it to hear what you wanted. I wish you didn't misunderstand me. I wish this didn't have to happen. I wish you didn't think it was necessary to tell others what you thought I said or meant. It was all your perspective which I feel was pretty tainted. And opinions should never be spoken as truth. They only cause more hurt.

I know that you were in a bad place. That your emotions were controlling your words (mine too) and that you were unable to think or see anything from a place other than your own. That you didn't understand what I was saying. That you were scared.

I'm sorry if you felt attacked. Please forgive me. That was not my goal at all. I'm sorry if I said things that hurt you and made you feel less valuable than you are. Your value comes from your creator. You are more than what you do or accomplish. You are more than words people say about you. You are more than what you think about yourself . You are His and you are priceless! I pray that if you haven't discovered this truth that you will find it in His loving arms.

And I forgive you, even if you don't feel you need to be forgiven. I pray that God will continue to bless you and use you. That you can find some comfort in his presence and that you will deal with previous issues that have clouded your ability to see things for what they really are.

Months before the offense, God laid you on my heart and I prayed for you daily. I believe that is why this hasn't crushed me but I have been able to move on mostly. I pray you are able to do the same.

I know that God's word doesn't change and his promises are still valid in both of our lives, so I pray we are able to move forward for His kingdom sake.

~Sandra

This is Only a Test

Just finished reading The Blessed Life by Robert Morris. Amazing book I would recommend if anyone's looking for a heart change!

I wanted to share one thing that stuck out to me (that was kind of a side note and not his main point at all. I find God speaks to me through sidelines more often than main points.)

God gives us responsibility in the area of our weakness not to set us up for failure but so we can overcome it and succeed. He isn't punishing or chastising us, but pushing us forward to the success he sees in us.

The example he used was Judas. Jesus is the one who put Judas in the position to be in charge of the money box, knowing he was selfish, knowing he had tendencies to be dishonest (especially with money). But Jesus was giving him opportunity to change, to grow, to go to the next level.

For me, my weaknesses are choosing apathy rather compassion, and frustration when things/people aren't like me or don't do things like I would rather than patience and understanding. So God made me the mother of kids who need compassion and patience, maybe more than others. And kids who are so much different than I am. Their strengths include compassion and caring for others, where I definitely struggle.  Goodness, I fail a lot! But God is giving me the opportunity to succeed in this area and pass this test. There is no way I can do this on my own, but knowing God believes in me (and since he is my source) gives me hope.

I've said before that I needed those kids in my life as much, if not more, than they needed me.  So with a new perspective, I'll keep striving to be more like Jesus and let him change me to be who he needs me to be.

King of Distractions

Distraction- something that takes your full focus and energy from the primary thing. An outside force that steals your attention and devotion.

The opposite of attraction. Attraction draws you close. Distraction draws you away.

Distractions can be bad things, sinful things, or they can be good things, even spiritual things that should not be the primary focus.

And how sneaky it is of the devil to use good, spiritual things to distract us from God's will and purpose for now. The Bible tells us to not be ignorant of his schemes. And he is definitely a schemer. Think about it! Obvious sinful temptations won't be appealing to someone who has served God for some time. And that is definitely who the devil's primary focus is. Because if he can get people viewed as spiritual leaders in the church to shift focus, to entertain a distraction, those who are watching will likely follow and his impact will be greater.

We must serve God with our eyes wide open and be constantly in the Bible, seeking the scriptures to know God better, to understand his heart more. There is no spiritual plateau that can be attained that makes us exempt from the devil's attacks or our mandate to be in His word. We will never reach the level of perfect knowledge and understanding of God. Never!

Overtime, we inadvertantly let our experiences dictate what we understand about God and his word. We have to keep going back with our eyes/minds open for God to show himself, to show his ways and not open God's word with our understanding set. We need fresh eyes so He is free to show us what he wants.

And even what spiritual leaders teach or show us needs to be revisited against God's word. Because we trust our spiritual leaders, rightly so, but even their teaching is tainted by their experiences. God is the only one who has perfect understanding. All human vessels have flaws, not intentionally misleading, but we are taught from what they understand.

I'm guilty! Especially familiar passages we tend to glaze over, but I challenge you. Ask God to give you fresh eyes to take his word as it is written and show you his intentions, his ways. You will be amazed!

And pray with me for Satan's distractions to be exposed so we can draw closer to God together and see His Kingdom, not man's ideas, advanced!

Surprise!!

I have know BJ longer than I haven't. We've been together since 1999. He is definitely the romantic one of us. I'm just too busy and/or practical to be romantic. Or maybe it's the fact that romanticism is determined by how it is received and he isn't the most expressive person.

Today he surprised me more than any other time I can remember. Next week our kiddos are on vacation with his mom. I'm looking forward to being childless. It just doesn't happen that often. He's off on Friday so we thought about going to a movie or something to take advantage of no kids.

Well today I got a card at work from BJ. In it was included an invitation to an overnight getaway. He booked a hotel and planned our evening and morning events without me having any idea. And the whole thing gave me butterflies and just made me feel so cherished. I was just trying to be easy, while he was being thoughtful.

My favorite kind of getaways are those I don't have to plan for that involve a lot of relax time. My favorite part of the plans is the part that says "sleep in." He and I both know I will probably stay up late or get up early and read/blog but that whole point is that I get to dictate when that happens and not the kids.

Best surprise ever! God sure gave me a keeper when he gave me BJ!

30 Blogs Day 6

Day 6 is supposed to be my favorite superhero and why. I've seen many superhero movies but am not into superheroes,so I've opted to revisit a previous day that gave me two options.  The option I didn't select from day 4 is something I'm looking forward to.

This one is kind of hard for me because I'm always planning and thinking ahead and hoping things turn out as I anticipated. So, with that in mind, there are a few things I'm looking forward to:

1. Kids 1, 2, and 3 graduating school. It's not that I want them to grow up faster than it already feels like, but at least today, I want that struggle to be over for them. Obviously, I'd love for them to succeed and feel successful in an academic setting, but there are moments ,the realist in me just wants that to be over. In that same thought, I am looking forward to each of them finding their passion and pursuing it, not because it is expected or normal, but because there is so much confidence that comes with that. I know God has big things for each of them and am excited to see what that is.

2. Seth and Julia going to school. I really think it's gonna be a totally different experience, much more similar to mine, than it has been for the big kids. I love school and am looking forward to them loving it too so I can not dread it anymore.

3. Being a part of a thriving growing church. I fully believe God is getting ready to blow open the doors at RLC and it's gonna be a totally different church in the near future. The growing pains aren't fun, but I'm so ready to be in the middle of some exciting things God is bringing our way.

In Over My Head Part 3

Let me start with a bit of an explanation. I'm a worshiper. It's what I love, its who I am. So I am constantly listening for new or new to me songs that resonate with my current spiritual state or struggle or whose words share what I'm feeling. I would dare to say that besides adoption, the second highest source of my blog material is songs, and how they speak to me. I know that songs are just another person's words put to music and aren't necessarily theologically sound or Biblically true, so I don't see them as a standard for living, but rather an expression that I may or may not agree with. There are plenty of worship songs I don't love or agree with. I'm pretty rigid and picky that way.

Ok, so back to the song of the week, In Over My Head

Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I am beautifully in over my head.

In life, we make decisions on what to commit to and what to steer clear from, often times based on our prediction of the outcome it will bring or the benefit we can receive in return for our commitment. But this line speaks to me of full commitment to God and his plans because we trust him and not based on how it feels to us or what we hope to gain.

Feelings are deceiving. I often feel like I'm sinking, even when I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And yes, honestly it deters me sometimes from going all in. Cause no one wants to feel like they have no control, like they are drowning with no hope of rescue. We obey God because we choose to please him and not because it always feels good. And when we are fully committed, the devil will rear his ugly head to try and stop you.

I'm really struggling as a parent with my 4 year old, Seth. And Sundays are the worst. After I've been ministering in worship and teaching, I'm convinced his bad attitude and stubbornness is one of the ways I am being tested to be discouraged and give up. It makes for a bad Sunday evening most weeks. But my obedience is not about me at all!

But whether it feels good or not, I have to give up control, of myself, of my kids (in some ways, I'm not talking about lack of discipline), give up my way and choose to be a follower, fully surrendered to his plan. Give up my rights and choose to be a servant, doing and being for the advancement of his kingdom.

And he will sustain me. He will strengthen me. He will be my portion and all that I need. True satisfaction is only found at the place of total surrender to God. Sink or swim!

30 Blogs - Day 5

A picture of somewhere you've been to...

Pre-kids (my life is split into two eras, pre-kids, and post kids), in 2009, BJ and I went to an all inclusive resort in Cozumel Mexico. It was so relaxing! It was supposed to be our last big hurray before kids. I thought we'd have kids shortly after. It was 2 years, a lot of grief, and fertility treatments later that we adopted our kiddos.

I've told BJ that we should do it again soon. Maybe in 2019 for our 15 year anniversary. Vacations with 5 kids, while they are a break from work, and a change of pace, generally leave the mom busy and tired. I try to give me kids a break and handle everything so they can enjoy themselves, and I just end up stressed and tired and need a vacation from our vacation. :) And when our vacation involves family, which I truly am grateful for and love to see, some how I feel like everyone is watching and judging me by my kids. I am not saying this is what anyone is doing at all, but how I feel. It's hard to let go and be okay with my kids being just that, kids. Yeah, so a vacation with kids is for them. A vacation without them, that's for me.

In Over My Head Part 2

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put you in?
Let love come teach me who you are again.

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore.
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours.

I am a box maker. I like everything neat and tidy. It makes me feel in control. It gives the appearance I am in control, but the truth is that even when everything is in its place physically and mentally, I am still not in control. How do I know? Because getting it all together does not relieve the stress. Sure it feels better for a little while, but there are too many factors I do not have the power to change or manipulate that keep me from total control and power. Because as much as someone thinks they are in control, and it may look that way from our perspective,  there is another who holds the whole world in his hands.

So when we try to put God in a box, not only do we realize how little control we have, but we are failing to trust him and choosing to trust our ways. Saying we know better. Complete trust in God is the only place we have peace. And the only place God is allowed to show himself powerful and strong.

In my natural mind, not knowing causes me worry and stress.  But I have learned (the hard way by going around the same mountain again and again because I can be stubborn like that) that when I let God be God, I can follow him, not knowing where I am going (like Abraham did), and still feel safe and secure, at peace even if I don't know all the details.

Because I have tasted and seen that God is good. Because I have learned his character by studying his word. And I am choosing to give up the control I think I need so I can be fully His.