Grieving and Waiting

This week, I've read The Road To Becoming by Jenny Simmons. She was the lead singer for Addison Road until the band disbanded in 2011. Great read for someone who feels like they are in a waiting pattern and not quite sure where to turn next. The chapters are short and it's a quick read. I would highly recommend it.

There are a couple of things God showed me through the book that I'd like to share.

Sometimes you need to grieve what you feel is lost. It's okay to grieve! You can't move to the now if you're holding on to what was, hoping, praying it will come to life. For me it isn't something or someone physical. It's an expectation, a dream I had for my life. And I realize that when I feel like I am a failure, I'm comparing my now with what I expected for myself. And it isn't fair to myself or my family.

Grieving doesn't mean giving up. But it does mean letting things from the past go and not living to fulfill them or continually being upset that things aren't as you dreamed. I have to learn to become who God has for me to become in the here and now, and I can't do that if I'm holding on to the unrealistic expectation I set for me. And I can't move forward while I'm holding on to the past.

Grieving or letting go in order to move on is much easier when there is something to move on to. When there is a hope and a future to strive for. To pursue. But grieving in order to wait on what's next. That's harder than anything I've ever done.

Waiting...not my strength for sure.

I often feel like my life has been a cycle of much more waiting than doing. Waiting for a husband. Waiting to finish school. Waiting for God to give us children. Waiting for an adoption match. Waiting for birth children. Waiting for the adoption to be finalized. (All of which was in God's perfect timing, but late according to my plans). And now waiting again to see God's promises fulfilled in my kids. And waiting for open doors and the next step for me personally.

Jenny says it well.

During seasons of waiting, dreams are growing up...Waiting stands in stark contrast to the spirit of accomplishment and forward progress. It requires restraint and discipline. It calls for uncanny patience, trust and hope. Hope that you can wait patiently and not in vain.

Letting new dreams grow  and fully develop might mean you have to waste time in order to fully grow, fully become.

Goodness, we speak the same language (Jenny and I). Waiting most definitely feels like wasting time a lot for me. But just like grieving and letting go, waiting is necessary.

So here I am...learning to let myself grieve for what could've been and wait for what's coming. And as much as I hate it, my flesh cringes as the thought, it is what I needed to hear right now. In this season of becoming.

Cause I will find my strength, in the shadow of his wings, as I learn to wait there.