Again

Let me start by saying that anyone who ever told you living for God was easy must not be really striving to make choices that please God, to live according to his standards, to do anything more than attend church to feel better about themselves.

The closer to God I get the more I see my sinful state. The more I struggle with my flesh and sinful tendencies. Because I am learning more each day how much I need his grace and mercy and how I cannot ever be good enough. Cannot learn or practice anything that will make me worthy of his goodness.

I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. And here I am going around the same mountain again. You know we all have that one lesson we just can't seem to learn, that test we can't seem to pass because we keep getting in our own way.

For me it's about control. Of the future. Of my kids. Of my situation. And I worry.

And God just keeps speaking to me through different sources that I can trust him. Really trust with all of it.

"If I worry I'm not trusting him to be my Abba Father and take care of me."

"When we like things to work a certain way - and when that doesn't happen we give into fear. Fear is faith in the enemy."

None of this is anything new to me but I don't know how to practically apply it. That's where I try to depend on myself. To change me and how I deal with the lack of control.

I gripe and lecture. And it gets me more frustrated because it makes no difference. I try saying nothing. And it leaves me feeling like I'm not doing enough, I'm letting them run over me.

I struggle with showing love and acceptance when I'm really just frustrated because I'm being ignored and disobeyed. Every conversation turns into a gripe, so I just avoid conversation. It keeps the peace I my house, but not in my heart.

"Oh for grace to trust Him more."

My point is that by the grace of God alone can I identify my fear/worry, give it to Jesus (not picking it back up) and truly trust him to handle it. Trusting God is not something I can muster up or learn. The ability to trust God is a gift that only he can provide by his grace. My inability to trust him fully means im not leaning on his grace enough. And that is something I have to daily ask for help with from Him.

Cause I really want to pass this test. I'm so over going around this mountain.