A Little Lost

Letting go is hard and today I feel a little lost.  As you all know, BJ is going to start sharing the responsibilities of teaching our Sunday School class this upcoming week.  Once that starts things will never be the same in that class. 

It makes me reflect on all the things I have learned teaching that class.  We agreed to teach the college and career Sunday School class in response to a very clear prompting by God on my part.  I am pretty sure BJ was just along for the ride and that was totally fine with me.  At that time we were teaching the 1st and 2nd grade Sunday School and moving to the older students who were barely younger than me was a little bit of a jump (okay, a huge one) for us.  I was so scared of what that would mean for me.  I was leaving my comfort zone which can be really scary.  But over the past 5 years, God has used me in that class in ways I never thought possible.  He has stretched me soooo much and I am going to miss it, honestly.  

Teaching that class was so good for me.  It required me to depend on God in a totally new way.  I chose to seek God for his word every week and I know that God spoke clearly to me for those kids.  

And I had to learn to teach in a very dry spiritual place.  It is quite hard to not feel like a failure when you feel like you are sowing and sowing and seeing or hearing nothing.  Especially when your love language is words of affirmation.  I had to rely solely on God to know I was doing okay and that I was being obedient to the call he put on my heart.  

I had to learn to teach on an adult level.  Not games or color pages, but really get into God's word, see what he was trying to say and communicate it to the listener in a way they could understand and receive it.  That can be quite intimidating, but I learned how to hear God clearly and how to organize his speaking to me in a way that worked.

It was a time of building my faith and trust in God, learning to fully rely on him.  This was also the time frame where we were seeking God for a child of our own.  It was in a lot of ways like living in a spiritual dessert, but choosing to hold on to the one source of life we had, God's word, and learn to stand on it again and again and again. 

So our students went through that journey with us.  A lot of them were facing similar times of testing and I pray God was able to use our struggles with infertility and my determination to stand and stand and stand again to show them they could choose to stand as well and not give up.

Well times have changed, and I have one of the original students left in there. It is a very different audience than it used to be and I pray I have been able to reach them where they are at.  I pray that they haven't felt slided as it has been a learning curve for me.  Yes, God has still chosen to use me time and again, but it's been different.  I know that it's a difficult age to teach and I have committed to giving all I have to them until God moves me to something else.  I always envisioned moving on a little differently than it feels like now that we are here.  I prayed and prayed that God would use BJ.  That he would put him where he needed to be to minister to those who needed him.  I never dreamed it would be in the Sunday School class where I felt God so clearly spoke to me to teach.  The place where I have become comfortable.  But I know this is what God is doing with us now.

So I am feeling a little lost.  I know that God is shifting some things around, but the place where I felt I was growing the most, being used the most by God is getting taken from me and given to BJ.  I pray it pushes him to new levels in God and he is able to grow as I have over the past years.  And I am kinda wondering what's next for me.  It is so hard to go from leader to supporter. Yes, I support my husband and always have, but in our relationship I have been the front runner and he has been the backbone.  And now that is changing.  For now we are alternating weeks for a while until he takes the reigns totally from me.

I've been told I've been carrying too much.  Sometimes I agree with that, but most of the time I am good with it. I like being busy, always have. And I am really good at multitasking. So it's during the down time, when the holes are more obvious, that I start to wonder what is next.

The last time I felt like this, I was about 14 and our children's church was being stopped.  At that time I led praise and worship for the children's church and really felt like God was using me there.  I was so hurt and so confused.  I felt like God was ripping the very heart he created out of my chest. Even then, I trusted God and he brought me to a better place, but the transition was rough.  I had good friends leave the church and I felt really lost while I waited for what God had in store for me. 

So I am here again. Lost. But this time, I remember I have been around this mountain before and I KNOW God is faithful!

Lord, help me to see this through your eyes.  Help me to relax and enjoy this little reprieve and take this time to grow closer to you.  Open doors that need to be opened.  Close doors that need to be closed. And help me along the way to see where you are leading.

Because I am an Equal Opportunity Blogger...

I figured I should take a moment and talk about my H girl.  I went into this adoption thinking she would be the hardest to bond with.  The hardest because she actually remembers her parents.  She is old enough to remember life before CPS intervened.  And I'd dare to say she was the most bonded to her biological parents and their foster parents because she had spent more time at an older age than the other two.  So I figured she would be pretty loyal and not wanting to let go of the past.  And maybe at first it was that way.  We butted heads some as all mothers and daughters do.  

But I feel like we have reached an understanding.  I am the oldest, so I understand how annoying younger siblings can be so I try to make them give her some space. And I make every effort to spend one on one time with her and I think she is responding positively.  Don't get me wrong and think the relationship is perfect, because it isn't.  She is an 8 year old with all the drama that inevitably brings.  But I am really enjoying having her as my daughter.  I love her hugs just because and I love that she asks me to pray over her every night.  My prayer for H every night is that she will always feel God's love and know that His plans for her are so much bigger than she could imagine.  That she would fall in love with Jesus more every day and always be listening when he speaks and eager to obey because she loves him.

H, I am so glad God gave us you.  Mommy will always love you no matter what!   

Momma's Boy

Don't tell anyone, especially D or any of his friends, but I am pretty sure I have a Momma's Boy on my hands. And I love every minute of it.  

Before I had kids, I was convinced I would be a much better mom to girls than boys.  BJ and I agreed when we were adopting that ideally we would want at least one boy and one girl. (Originally we planned to adopt a sibling group of two, but obviously God laughs at my plans and does what he thinks is best and I am so grateful that he knows better than I do.) I preferred to have girls and he preferred boys, as I'd guess is normal for people with no kids who have no idea what they really want. Ha!  I didn't have any brothers and really don't know much about raising boys, so I just figured I'd leave the boys to BJ and take care of any girls God gave us. But D has shown me how great it can be to have a boy.  Yes, he is adventurous and is always creating and building something, but I am really enjoying his sensitive side.  He is a great hugger and is sure to tell me I look pretty and that he likes my clothes or jewelry.  Every night when I put him in bed, he runs his hands through my hair and tells me how much he loves me.  Most recently he is sure to give me big hugs before he runs off to the school doors and he turns around just as he gets to the entrance to blow me kisses.  It melts my heart every single time.

God, thank you so much for blessing me with D.  I never knew what it could be like to have such a sweet boy who cherishes me and I love it!

Changes and Distractions

There have been a lot of changes going on around here.  If you read my husband's blog then you know that God is doing some awesome things in him and in our ministry together.  And I am so excited! I don't want to steal his thunder but to summarize, God has been speaking to him about stepping up and out of his comfort zone.  I love it! I have been praying for God to show me how I can support him as the leader of our home.  It's really hard for me to support him.  Not because I don't believe in what he is doing or don't respect him, but I definitely have the dominant personality in our relationship and he is more laid back.  I have had to push him a little to have an opinion on some things and so it has been difficult for me to find what he really wants to do or what he feels are his goals on any level and support his efforts to pursue those things.  I have tried to encourage him to step up for a while, but honestly, he wasn't budging. He was quite happy to be in the background.  But God is changing that. 

More specifically he is moving in to help more with teaching our Sunday School class.  I am really looking forward to sharing that ministry with him.  He has been there, yes, and been supportive, yes, but I have carried the load.  And that's been totally fine with me.  But it is time for him to step up.  And he agrees.  I am excited to see what God will do.  I feel like the church as a whole (mine included) is held together and run by women who are willing to step up and be teachers and trainers, but it is time for the men to step up and be that role model for the next generation of young men.  They need to see men who are on fire for God, who have decided to be the spiritual leader of their families so that they can learn what it means to be the head of your house. 

And I have been so busy carrying things I wasn't meant to carry alone, I have gotten distracted and somethings have had to take the back burner. So now, with BJ stepping up, I am able to get back to some of the things God so clearly laid on my heart and I haven't made priority. And it feels good and the timing couldn't be better.

Lent started today.  I am not catholic, but I usually ask God if there are some priorities that need to be looked at and things I should give up.  Ya'll, I am just too competitive even with myself sometimes.  I thought that God was asking me to give up reading fiction books for this time period so I could refocus on what I needed to do.  And I planned my "Fat Tuesday" and was determined to finish a certain book before Lent started.  And I realized how stupid it was of me to make this once again about me, when it should really be all about God. I am one that I quickly turn something that is supposed to be a sacrifice, unto God, for his purpose, into a competition with myself and outdoing the previous years.  I am not proud this is where I was even a few days ago, but there it is.  And I realized it was quickly not about getting closer to God in my mind at all, but just proving I could go without my books for 40 days.  Sometimes I fail so miserably, even at my "sacrifice" of worship.  And me and God had a discussion and I really just think he wants me to fix my priorities instead of giving up something completely.  So I am slowing down the reading and just making sure I do the things he's called me to do before I let myself enjoy a chapter or two in my books.

I am also starting a new non-fiction book with a 40 day dare to enrich our marriage.  We are at a really good place right now.  Because of some decisions I made.  They weren't easy, but I decided my husband was worth me letting go of always getting my way.  Love is choice and I choose to love and respect my husband and support him and what God is doing in him.  And about the time I am done with this, we will be close to our "Weekend to Remember" getaway in April.  Things are definitely looking up.  I never thought that adding three kids to our family would make me make our marriage a priority.  I guess I just feel like he is the only other person on earth that understands what I am going through and I am able to confide in him and find comfort in that. And I think it is bringing us closer as a couple. Well, that, and God.  He always plays a part.

About that time, we will be at the 6 month mark with the kids and the adoption court date will soon follow.  I have some paperwork to complete and return to the attorney to get that ball rolling.  We are about 6 weeks out. 

Yeah, there are a lot of changes coming for the Fowler Five, but life is good because God is good! And he is in control!

When God Is Enough

Today was a great day at church! God's presence was so real and it is just awesome when he chooses to meet with his people.  All that to say, I feel like I should share a part of the Sunday School lesson from my class this morning.

I think sometimes we say God is enough, our supplier, our sufficiency with our lips, but our lives don't reflect that as much.  God's been showing me very clearly that he is truly all I need.  I don't need a loving husband, great kids, a steady job that I enjoy or a great church family. I am blessed because I have all of these, but who I am, the source of my strength and my life is not from these things. It is all from him, because he alone is enough for me.  The world teaches us to depend on ourselves, our jobs, our families, our friends, but God asks us to depend on him.  Because he is enough.

When God is enough we are grateful for his provision and his plan for our lives, whether we see it and know it yet or not.  I think it pretty easy to be grateful when God meets a need because we are in the place of victory, the end of the struggle, the conclusion of the storm.  But it is much more difficult to be grateful for God's plans when we are in the middle of the boat, rowing in the storm, with no help in sight. If we are honest with ourselves, when we are in a difficult place, we often choose to grumble instead of be grateful. Because we don't understand what God is doing and we don't see the provision yet. Or because God's plan is not what we think we want or need.  Because our plans are proven and they are better, or so we think. In Numbers 16, we see Korah, chosen to be a Levite who was unhappy with God's plans for him.  He thought his way was better and he wanted the recognition of a priest, so he rebelled against Moses and Aaron.  Ultimately, the earth opened up and swallowed Korah and all his family.  

There is way too much comparing going on in the kingdom of God.  We always see God's plan for someone else as superior to ours and we get jealous.  And instead of God being enough for us, we grumble and are ungrateful for the plan he has for us.  Let me say that God's ways are higher than ours and every job in the Kingdom is important.  God doesn't pick favorites, but he places us where he made us to be.  We have got to get back to God being enough for us and stop trying to be the greatest and best and most seen by our own methods.

When God is enough, we won't look to anyone else for satisfaction or fulfillment. Let me be honest to say this is really hard for me.  My love language is words of affirmation so if I don't hear someone saying something positive about me or my efforts, my tendency is to think that I have failed them.  But God is enough for me.  His opinion is all that should matter to me.  I am working on it, but I'm not there yet.

Let me throw myself out there and say God is enough for me even if I never have a biological child.  Since we've been on this adoption journey, I have heard more times than I care to count something along the lines of "you know as soon as you get those kids, you are gonna show up pregnant" and I've laughed it off but in the back of my mind I gave the devil an inch of space to put doubt about God's provision.  I haven't entertained it much, but as God was trying to teach me to rely on him only as my source and that he was enough, I was reminded of the fear that looms in the back of my mind and shows its ugly head once in a while. But what if I am the exception, God?  Will I still think you are enough for me? Yes. I choose to let God be enough, even if I never see what I still believe is the rest of the fulfillment of his promise to me. 

At the end of Hebrews 11 there is a verse that has bothered me for some time. It says "They were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised."  We are able to stand on God's word and go day to day because we are holding on to God's promises for us.  And yet, not everyone in the Bible saw God fulfill his promise.  It was fulfilled because God doesn't lie, but not necessarily in their lifetime.  That is really scary for me.  To trust in God, believing he knows better even to the point that I may not see the end of this struggle this side of heaven.  But I still hold on.  Because his ways are better than mine.  Because he is truly enough for me.

Working Mom

Today I am linking up with Kelly's Korner Show Us Your Life-Working Mom's post.  I am a day late (sorry) as she did this yesterday, but who really has time to blog on a Friday evening?  Not me, or at least not me this week. I have never done this before, but really needed a topic to blog about since my brain is dead today.

I am new to being a working mom.  Not because I haven't been working, but because I have only been a mom for 17 weeks. (Isn't is crazy how fast time has flown?)  I love the way that sounds. Mom. For anyone who is venturing over to my blog that isn't a normal reader, let me catch you up really quickly.  We got adoptive placement of a sibling group of three kids ages 8, 6, and 5 on October 15th.  The adoption will be final some time in April we are hoping.  So unlike most new moms, I am enjoying my sleep (the kids are in bed by 8:30) and am dealing with elementary kid issues and not baby issues.

I always knew I would be a working mom.  Not because I don't love kids but because that is just normal to me.  My mom was a nurse (and still is) while my sister and I were growing up and I never really thought anything about it.  So working and being a mom has been what I always thought would happen in my life.  I have never even considered not working for that reason and because I like being in a two income home.  And it is doable for me right now.  I won't say there aren't days I regret the juggling act I am undertaking to balance three kids and their school activities and working a fulltime+ job and a husband.  And there are days when I want to just hang out and I can't because I have things to do that didn't get done during the week.  But it all works out.  I really try to spend my evenings with them (before they go to bed). And my kids know I love them. 

Right now we are more busy than usual since we are still in the pre-adoptive state and have therapist coming once a week, adoption coordinator visits once a month, psychiatrist visits once a month, and CPS visits once a quarter.  That and just getting all the first doctors and dentist appointments done has been crazy. But some of that will slow down a little in a few months.

I think the main thing that allows me to feel still connected to my kids is our Bible time every night. It isn't much but it is constant.  A little Bible story, a few songs together, and prayers.  It is very important to me that they know that spending time with God is a priority. And every night we tuck them in and give them each special hugs and kisses.

We also try really hard to eat dinner together as a family.  Most of the time it works, but it really depends on how late I am working and if someone is coming over that night for a monthly, quarterly, or weekly visit. 

We have both sets of grandparents living within 10 minutes from us, so they take turns picking the kids up from school and watching our baby until her pre-K which starts at 12:20. We are so grateful that they get to spend time with their grandkids and allow me to be able to work.  Right now, I am kind of removed from homework and such since either our moms or BJ, my husband deal with that right after school while I am still at work.

I feel like I am adjusting well to the balancing act and trying to fit everyone in and be involved.  I don't think I could do it if we added extra curricular activities besides church right now.  Our plates are full, but God is faithful to help us all be understanding of the sacrifices that have to be made so I can work and be a mommy at the same time.

Forgiveness

Today I gave the kids back all their toys.  And it felt great.  Partially because I was tired of having more toys in our room than theirs and partially because they would never earn all their toys back one at a time by being good.  Because its hard to recognize the good they do when you are constantly in a fire fighting mode.  Unfortunately, often the one causing the trouble is the one being dealt with and the others are being ignored.  Its just the way it is right now. Just being honest.

And I think about God's forgiveness for us.  We mess things up and we innately feel like he is holding it over our heads and we will never earn back his love, his blessings, his goodness.  But he is able to forgive completely. Completely.  All the goodness of God returning to our lives and he only asks that we are sorry and ask for forgiveness. And honestly, he didn't take his goodness away to begin with just because we messed it up. Yes, there are consequences for our actions and sometimes God does discipline us and it isn't pleasant. But he is always there. His goodness is always there for us.  He doesn't leave us, even when we are at our worst.  We always see the bad in ourselves. We always expect to be punished.  And think we deserve to never see God's goodness because we failed Him. But that's our thinking and not his.

Because he doesn't hold grudges or wait for the moment to make us suffer.  He forgives completely and waits for the moment we realize his grace is sufficient for us.

For He who promised is Faithful.

Last night as I was about to go to bed this verse came to my head. Not the whole thing just this little part, resonating again and again in my soul. As is usual with me, when I feel God is speaking, I ask why.  Not because I necessarily need him to tell me why, but I know that God doesn't speak without a reason.  Sometimes its for me, sometimes its for others, but God always has a plan.

I know that I have talked about God being faithful again and again, and you may be getting tired of hearing it, but He isn't tired of reminding me. Because he is faithful.  But this time the part I can't let go of is the beginning of this portion of Hebrews 10:23.  

"For he who promised..."

Ever made a promise and not kept it?  Ever been made a promise only to see it broken?  See, God makes us promises all the time.  In his word. Through others. And we try to understand what he is saying. Try to shed some light on the promise in an attempt to know what we are to be looking forward to.

There are many verses God uses to speak to me and somehow, someway, I throw my opinion of what he is saying right on top of his words and I feel like I know what he is planning for me.  But I don't.  Because His ways are higher than mine. And if God wanted me to know all the details of his promises for me, he'd tell me.  He's God.  He could do that if he wanted to.  But he chooses not to so I know he's the one in charge and I am not.

For he who promised is Faithful. He will do what he said, when he said, and he is always on time.