Faith Words

Today, or rather this week, I've compared myself to others, I've asked God why me? I've struggled as I fell on my face again as a mom.  But instead of rehashing all of that and blogging through my tears I'm doing something really intentional, even though I don't feel it at all.

Today I'm choosing to be thankful for what God has given me and not dwell in the what-ifs. Today I'm thankful that my house is full and never quiet. That there is chaos and fussing between the kids because at least that means there are kids here. Today I'm thankful that God has given me them all to draw me closer to him. Today I'm thankful for the plans he has for them even though I can't see it and it is definitely not going to be fulfilled through my efforts which always seem to fall short.

I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs. I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to be silly and goofy. I'm thankful that they aren't shy or intimidated by others often (such the opposite of me as a little girl). I'm thankful that they make friends easily. I'm thankful that they are respectful to others. I'm thankful that they don't fight me about going to church. I'm thankful that despite my failings, which are many, they are thriving. I'm thankful for God's grace when I mess things up.

I'm thankful that God's ways are greater than mine. I'm thankful that he sees potential when I can't. I'm thankful that he knows each one of my kids and has had plans for them since before they were born. Before I had any thoughts or intentions regarding adoption and adding them to our family. I'm thankful that His word always accomplishes his purposes.

I'm thankful that this too will pass. I'm thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful that he has them, all of them in the palm of his hands. I'm thankful that God's plans are purposeful and intentional and not accidental.

I'm thankful that God is changing me. I'm thankful that His strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm thankful that I don't have to make God's will happen. I'm thankful that God knew what he was doing when he gave them, all of them, to us, and he still knows what he is doing now. His plans didn't change because I'm not the mom I wish I was, but he knew me, and gave them to us and still chose this for them. Because our family was His best for them.

Praise God for He is Good!!

5 Years

Seth is five years old today. There is just something about the number 5 that seems so old. Like my baby isn't a baby any more. He's getting so big so fast! I'm so proud of all he is learning at preschool both academically and socially.

But this morning on the way to work I found myself wiping years from my eyes. Not because I was overly emotional my baby is growing up, but because I was reminded of a time in my life when this looked like it would never be for me. When I feared we would never have children, that we would always be just the two of us. I clearly remember praying and hoping that I would be next, that my turn would come. I remember being passed up time and again. Sitting through baby showers, trying  to be happy for others when I  felt like I was dying inside. I remember feeling punished and overlooked by God.

And I remember the still small voice deep within that kept urging "just trust me." Even though my emotions were a wreck some of the time and it was probably one if the hardest times in my life, I chose to trust in a God that had never failed me before over the monthly disappointment and tendency to live in despair.

And once again God was true to his word. So I can't get through another birthday without taking time to give thanks to God for his perfect plan. For his supernatural provision and perfect timing.

And when I'm faced with what appears impossible, I am reminded that while I am waiting, God is working. And nothing is too hard for Him.

Two Weeks

Seth has finished his second week of PreK and he is doing so well!! Because we are blessed to have grandparents close who watch the littles while we work, there wasn't a necessity for Seth to go to PreK, but I knew that I wanted him to have some sense of structure and classroom behavior and expectations before he got to kindergarten.

In March, I got him on a waiting list for a local PreK/Mother's Day Out program and the waiting began. In the meantime, I got all the big kids ready for school and just figured if he got in for at least one semester, he'd be good. After the big kids started school and less than a week before the program started, we got a call telling us they had a spot for him in the Pre K 5 class at Walnut Ridge Baptist Church. And I started getting worried for him.

Besides a once a week half day program he's done with my mom, Seth has never really been in a program with other kids where he wasn't the center of the universe. He throws fits for me when he doesn't get his way. He plays really rough with his siblings (thanks to a big brother). I was just praying he wouldn't get kicked out. He's super smart, but I really felt like he needed this more for the social/structure side than the educational piece.

I expressed my concerns to his teacher when I dropped off the paperwork and she assured me he'd be fine. It may take some time to adjust, but most kids from similar situations fit in rather quickly. At meet the teacher, he wouldn't cooperated or even really meet Mrs. Vickie. It didn't help that the visit started with him running into another of his teachers. He didn't expect her to be there (as a parent) and he just spiraled downward after that, hiding in the corner, escaping from the room, acting angry. My mom later got him to express that he was nervous and just didn't know how to express himself. We came up with a plan for the first day that he could tell me if he was nervous, we would ask God to help him, and then he would go to class. And that's pretty much exactly what happened.

No tears, no fighting, and not getting angry. He went into his class like a pro. I did pray for him when he felt nervous and then said my goodbyes. We were both fine until I pull out of the parking lot. I shed a few tears (how could he possibly be this old already?), distracted myself and waited anxiously to hear about his first day.

He did awesome and has pretty much been that way every day since. He loves school and has already learned so much. He is just a sponge at this age and loves it all. The highlight of his second week was getting invited to the birthday party for one of his classmates. He has gradually eaten more and more of his lunch (also something I was concerned about), has earned several super stars for good behavior, and was sad that he didn't have school yesterday (it's only Tuesday through Thursday).

The things he has has learned in only 2 weeks, 6 days really, blows my mind. I told him if he keeps learning so much so fast, he would be smarter than me soon. He smiled at the possibility.

I'm so glad I made the effort to get him in a program this year. I almost didn't (goodness I don't need another thing to keep up with). The whole experience makes me look forward to kindergarten for him next year.

I pulled out the easy reader books yesterday and we've started reading more with him. The big kids were nostalgic when they saw the books come out, and remember most of them, claiming certain ones as favorites. I love that my big kids finally have "when I was younger" memories that include us. Things have come full circle.

30 Blogs Day 6

Day 6 is supposed to be my favorite superhero and why. I've seen many superhero movies but am not into superheroes,so I've opted to revisit a previous day that gave me two options.  The option I didn't select from day 4 is something I'm looking forward to.

This one is kind of hard for me because I'm always planning and thinking ahead and hoping things turn out as I anticipated. So, with that in mind, there are a few things I'm looking forward to:

1. Kids 1, 2, and 3 graduating school. It's not that I want them to grow up faster than it already feels like, but at least today, I want that struggle to be over for them. Obviously, I'd love for them to succeed and feel successful in an academic setting, but there are moments ,the realist in me just wants that to be over. In that same thought, I am looking forward to each of them finding their passion and pursuing it, not because it is expected or normal, but because there is so much confidence that comes with that. I know God has big things for each of them and am excited to see what that is.

2. Seth and Julia going to school. I really think it's gonna be a totally different experience, much more similar to mine, than it has been for the big kids. I love school and am looking forward to them loving it too so I can not dread it anymore.

3. Being a part of a thriving growing church. I fully believe God is getting ready to blow open the doors at RLC and it's gonna be a totally different church in the near future. The growing pains aren't fun, but I'm so ready to be in the middle of some exciting things God is bringing our way.

In Over My Head Part 3

Let me start with a bit of an explanation. I'm a worshiper. It's what I love, its who I am. So I am constantly listening for new or new to me songs that resonate with my current spiritual state or struggle or whose words share what I'm feeling. I would dare to say that besides adoption, the second highest source of my blog material is songs, and how they speak to me. I know that songs are just another person's words put to music and aren't necessarily theologically sound or Biblically true, so I don't see them as a standard for living, but rather an expression that I may or may not agree with. There are plenty of worship songs I don't love or agree with. I'm pretty rigid and picky that way.

Ok, so back to the song of the week, In Over My Head

Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I am beautifully in over my head.

In life, we make decisions on what to commit to and what to steer clear from, often times based on our prediction of the outcome it will bring or the benefit we can receive in return for our commitment. But this line speaks to me of full commitment to God and his plans because we trust him and not based on how it feels to us or what we hope to gain.

Feelings are deceiving. I often feel like I'm sinking, even when I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And yes, honestly it deters me sometimes from going all in. Cause no one wants to feel like they have no control, like they are drowning with no hope of rescue. We obey God because we choose to please him and not because it always feels good. And when we are fully committed, the devil will rear his ugly head to try and stop you.

I'm really struggling as a parent with my 4 year old, Seth. And Sundays are the worst. After I've been ministering in worship and teaching, I'm convinced his bad attitude and stubbornness is one of the ways I am being tested to be discouraged and give up. It makes for a bad Sunday evening most weeks. But my obedience is not about me at all!

But whether it feels good or not, I have to give up control, of myself, of my kids (in some ways, I'm not talking about lack of discipline), give up my way and choose to be a follower, fully surrendered to his plan. Give up my rights and choose to be a servant, doing and being for the advancement of his kingdom.

And he will sustain me. He will strengthen me. He will be my portion and all that I need. True satisfaction is only found at the place of total surrender to God. Sink or swim!

Impeccable Timing

This evening I got the chance to have dessert with one of my cousins and catch up with her. It was a nice time. We talked about what is going on in each of our lives. I'm so glad we made the time to get together.

One theme seemed to permeate every discussion, every update.

We serve a God of impeccable timing.

I can look back through my life, through all the struggles and be assured that when things seemed to be an utter disaster and not going at all as I thought they should, God always knew exactly what he was doing and his timing (which was so different from mine) was always perfect.

I remember when my children's church leader was asked to step down. I was crushed, but God knew what he was doing. God's plan would draw me closer to him and teach me to serve him and not man. To keep my perspective in check and my focus his direction. And his timing was perfect.

I remember being forced to put myself in leadership in kids church. Forced to learn to play the piano/keyboard and lead worship for the kids. I hated it, wanted nothing to do with it, but it is where and when God was able to grow those giftings in me and teach me to lead others in worship.  And his timing was perfect.

I remember starting to play piano in the main service at the age of 14. I remember the difficulty I had. I hated playing hymns and cried often when I messed up. But once again, that is where God pushed me. And his timing was perfect.

I remember thinking I knew what kind of leader and husband I needed and pursuing those types of people. I remember God bringing me Bj and the doubts I had about how it would ever work. He wasn't the type I thought I needed. I was wrong. And God's timing was perfect. God brought me Bj and saved me from pursuing my plans over his. Saved me from heartbreak and broken relationships. God knew what he was doing.

I remember struggling for children, begging and pleading with God to give me what I wanted. Feeling like he was punishing me or ignoring me. I remember opening my heart to the idea of adoption (that I had closed from years prior). I remember submitting our profile for three awesome kids, getting rejected once and picked the second time. I remember the fearful steps we took, one at a time, unsure in our minds but convinced in our spirits they were to be our kids. And God's timing was perfect.

I remember putting aside my perfect parenting ideas and learning how to choose to love kids that were not like me. Who didn't have my tendencies or personality, who experienced life differently, whose upbringing was world apart from mine. It was terrifying for my heart and mind. But I remember KNOWING they were ours and clearly seeing God's timing was perfect.

I remember seeing the first positive pregnancy test. The kids had been with us for 5 months. We were still finding our groove and this was the time God chose to grow our family again. I remember very often (and still to this day) people's opinions that we just needed to relax and we'd get pregnant. The comment that we should have adopted sooner or as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant put adoption as the source of our magic provision, but I know differently. I know our ability to conceive at just this time had nothing to do with luck or "not thinking about it" but God's timing was perfect.

I remember when I first put the pieces together about the Snyder's retirement from our church as pastor's. I cried when Bj confirmed my suspicions. One more major life change I was not ready to handle. On the other side of the transition, as difficult as it was, I am again convinced that God's timing was perfect.

There are other things I'm praying about and believing God for, and the truth shows me that in those situations, God will answer when it is his perfect time. Because he is faithful like that. I may not enjoy the unknown in the meantime, but I can rest in the fact that God has impeccable timing.

That boy!

Seth is the sweetest, kindest, smartest boy. Until he's not.

Lately, he's been stubborn and defiant and strong willed, throwing fits at the drop of a hat when things aren't perfectly how he thinks they should be. (On a side note, I'm pretty sure I gave him the perfectionist gene. I'm sorry sweet boy! You can blame that one all on me.)

I think it's just a phase coupled with a very strong need for more one on one time with Mommy. And as much as I wish he didn't have to fight for my attention, he certainly does. That's one of the downsides of a larger family. It doesn't affect the big ones as much since they are more self sufficient and enjoy time alone or together without me.

This morning he didn't want to stay with Nana, which is not common for him. I think it was some combination of being tired from the time change and this phase he's in. It's exhausting and his little sister copycat (who yells or cries with him just because) certainly makes it fun for mom. This morning as he was throwing a fit in the car because he wasn't satisfied with his snack choices, Julia kept saying "Seth, stop! Seth stop!" It made him more angry because she was telling him what to do. It made me smile!

I've tried different things. I've punished him. I've ignored him. I've tried to reason with him. I've apologized to other kids and parents for him a lot. I've prayed for wisdom.

Today at work I was reminded of something I read about kids living up to what you expect them to be or say they are. So I decided to try harder to find positive things to be proud of him for and make a big deal about that rather than accentuating the negative behavior. I also made a point to have 15 minutes (at least) of Seth and mom only time as often as I can. He decided to play Guess Who. It was fun! He won some, I won some and he didn't even seem to mind or notice who won. And at bed time he actually seemed back to his normal sweet self. Letting me leave without screaming after I'd spent a few minutes in his bed with him. We prayed and talked about how much fun we had together and what he want to do tomorrow during our special time. I hope it's a little thing that helps him and us.

This is usually where I give the excuse that I haven't had to deal with a 4 year old before, but I can't use the excuse (since Katelynn was 4 when she joined our family) but somehow it's different. She wasn't defiant at this age, but she also had a much different life up to that point.

I guess each kid is different at each age. Just something else I have to depend on God for. I supposed He likes to keep me leaning on Him so I always know who's in charge.

It is Well With My Soul

So January has come and gone, already. The 2 crazy weeks getting payroll forms completed are behind me and I'm getting back to normal.

My life seems to be surrounded by change right now. There is the looming pastoral election, additional responsibilities at church, change at work, BJ schedule change in addition to the normal (which is always at least a little up in the air with 5 kids and 7 schedules to keep an eye on.)

And yet in the middle of this all, I'm at peace. Because God is my peace. My ability or inability to control everything does not determine the status of my soul.

The old me would have been stressed to the max, breaking into tears if someone looked at me wrong, but not anymore. If nothing else, this season is proving to myself that God has done a great work in me. Praise God!

Wednesday night, I had the privilege of speaking in the adult Bible study. My primary scripture was from Joshua 1:5 where God encouraged Joshua that he would be with him through the transition to leadership just like he was with Moses. As our life focus changes from making everything perfect and appear like we have it all together to being closer to God than ever before and obeying his direction each day, the details of this life seem rather insignificant. They are not worth losing my peace over, that's for sure.

OK, now for a quick update on the kids.

Haley (13) is doing well at school. Taking responsibility for her work and just overall growing up rather than feeling the need to argue when she doesn't agree or act out to get attention. I'm so proud of her.

Daniel (11) has the desire to do well and is learning to have self control and refocus himself when he gets distracted. He is taking responsibility for his choices, able to redirect himself rather than letting one incident ruin his whole day, and apologizing to teachers and friends when needed. Math is his best subject, which I love. I always knew math came naturally for him, but we had to get to a place where he could pay attention and not dread the work. It's been a self confidence issue and I think we are getting over that hurdle.

Katelynn (10) is doing well. Math is her weakest subject, but she is getting better and better at it. They are working on telling time right now, which she is happy about because she gets that. Science has always been her strong suit. She is still talking about being a nurse when she grows up, which I think is a good fit for her.

Seth is being a strong willed 4 year old. He is in that stage where he wants to do everything by himself, but he gets frustrated when it isn't perfect. For example, he asks one of us to make him a bite because he gets mad when his food falls off the fork. He can count to over 100, recognizes most letters and he just started learning to write/trace his letters. He asks us to spell words for him from time to time, loves rhyming, and singing songs. I am looking at a preschool/mother's day out program starting in the fall. I'm thinking 2 days a week so if anyone has recommendations that would be great.

Julia is 17 months old and as sweet as can be. Unlike Seth she is not a picky eater and loves feeding herself with spoons/forks even if she makes a message. She eats part of my dinner most nights and generally loves food. I've just started giving her milk in a cup (like Seth of course) and last night she drank it all. She still nurses in the morning, but more for ease than because she needs to. She wants to control everything Seth does and more. She easily crawls up the stairs and scoots down on her bottom. (Seth always wanted to walk down the stairs which made me nervous).

She loves to talk and says a lot of words: Seth, Daniel, Haley, Sissy (Katelynn is too hard right now), mommy, dad, table (sounds like apple and means she want to eat), run, jump, bubbles, bottle, trash, cup, side (outside), song, music, Nana, Papa, Ama (Grandma), Apa (Grandpa), no, mine, up, down, apple, snack, wet, swing, pop, fishies (sounds like Aggies), baby, Neno (Nana's dog Reno), Mimi (which is either Mickey or Minnie Mouse), pease (please), owie (when she hurts herself), head, nose, eyes, hair, knee, toes, shoe, sock, march, walk and she repeats anything you tell her.

She loves music, singing and dancing, and we can usually stop her from crying by turning music on. I lay her down with her baby and blanket awake and she goes right to sleep at night and occasionally at nap time. I don't have her often for naps, so she tends to fight that more.

She is very independent and likes to get herself dressed and undressed with a little help. For comparison sake, I'm just now getting Seth to help me get himself dressed and undressed. He can do it but has just never shown interest. Maybe it's boy vs girl, maybe it's just Julia vs Seth.

And just so this is out there, and to deter the unasked question, our family is complete. We have no plans for anymore children, 5 is enough. I think my boss has this fear I'm gonna show up pregnant again because she has asked more than once lately. Haha! Unless God just wants to surprise us (which I wouldn't put past him), the Fowler 7 will stay the Fowler 7 until my kids get married, which is many years away.

I'd love to get in the routine of blogging more, but just haven't made it a priority. We will have to wait and see if I get in the groove again this year.

In the Middle of the Mess

Today was just one of those days. Everything that could go wrong did.

It started out with the childcare workers at church (including substitutes 3 deep) all being gone for one reason or another. We are both very involved in ministry all day long at church and highly dependant on the nursery to keep our kids. During Sunday School, Seth went to his class and Julia was a distraction in the class we teach (a cute distraction, but a distraction none the less). Pastor found some ladies, who my kids don't know too well to watch them during service, so of course Julia fussed more than usual and I had to give more instruction than usual. My mom had to come get me so they could start worship (I play the piano and made everything late.) The kids did fine, but it's harder to help lead worship without the normal routine, especially for someone as routine driven as I am.

Then the organ wouldn't start. That doesn't personally affect me much, but another thing to trouble shoot. I'm so glad it wasn't mine to fix.

Then I found out my Father in Law was in the hospital with high blood pressure. They gave him meds and he's doing better at home.

Then on the way home at sonic, Seth threw up and threw up and threw up. I didn't have anything to clean him up with. After trying to clean him and his car seat up with his jacket and wipes, I did realize I had a spare set of clothes for him. I stripped him down and went to change his wet underwear (just from throwing up on himself) to realize there was none. I couldn't really get the car seat clean with my limited resources, so I let him ride in the back seat, in his underwear only (his choice) in a seatbelt for the 5 minute drive home. I know that isn't legal, but I just couldn't make him get back in the nasty car seat and get all gross again.

Then I had to clean up his car seat once I got home. That is so much fun!

Then I opened the refrigerator and the rest of Seth's cheesecake fell on the floor. The kitchen was covered in Graham cracker crust.

Then Julia wouldn't take a nap. She's been crying off and on all day. I didn't even try to get Seth to sleep.

And in the middle of what I would consider a messy day and a total failure, God chose to speak to me and use me to minister to others.

If today didn't prove that God's choice has nothing to do with me and my circumstances, and everything to do with him, I'm not sure there will ever be such a day.

School Days

This summer has been a little different than others. We decided to leave the three older kids home alone a few days a week instead of doing daycare. We signed them up for the summer program at Mathnasium which is a drop in program for up to 1 hour per day where they could work on math. Haley did a few months at Mathnasium before, so I knew we really loved the program. Daniel was hesitant at first, but they all were glad we did it and want to go back next summer.

Leaving them at home has required them to mature a little and learn how to resolve conflict on their own. We got phone calls some days, but mostly they did pretty well. The stay at home option was also very low stress on me as I didn't even wake them up on those days and was able to get the littles up and ready pretty quickly without the normal morning conflicts. It also proved that they can stay at home while we run errands or whatever. I always take the littles with me as I'm not comfortable leaving the babies with the bigger kids yet.

This summer we were in limbo, waiting for space to open at the charge school we applied for. None of the kids got in over the summer, so we are in public school until space becomes available.

This year, Haley is riding the bus to and from school. She has to get herself on the bus after we leave and then catch the bus after school. She has been so responsible and is usually early waiting for the bus. She has also been responsible, doing her homework without me hounding her about it, asking for help and really trying to understand when we are helping her. At the middle school level, the babysitting is over and I feel like she really likes being in control of her own work. Obviously, she was in control before, but somehow when people have tried to help in the past she resisted and then would over rely on them instead of taking ownership and doing what was needed to be successful. I am seeing such a change in her. I know we are only one week in, but it is definitely improvement from before. Yesterday, we took the big kids to the eye doctor and Haley is getting glasses to help her astigmatism. Hopefully that makes school easier for her too.

Daniel is doing okay. He always pumps himself up and then is disappointed when school is school. He did say that he loves being a 6th grader, which is the top grade at his school, rather than a "little 5th grader". Choir, the elective he chose, has some of the trouble makers in it, so he doesn't like that. He also doesn't like singing in Latin, but I'm sure that's normal at this age.

Katelynn is riding the bus home from school with her BFF. This is the first year she hasn't been in class with her, so I'm glad they get to ride the bus home together. She has done pretty well with school and doing her homework. I think she likes her teacher and will have a good year.

Julia turns 1 tomorrow. How did that happen? She is sleeping through the night, has 7 teeth and just started walking in the last few days. I'll update more about her after her one year checkup on Sept 1st.

Seth went to the dentist this morning and has 2 cavities he needs fillings for. Poor boy! We are gonna try to get the fillings with only laughing gas and not sedation. Please pray for him and me that everything will go well. His appointment is on October 3rd. This mama is pretty nervous for him (and me). I cried this morning when they told me, so yeah I'm definitely gonna need God to give me strength.

Alright, there is kinda an update for now. It's been a while. I hope to blog more, but it really depends on how life goes. It's busy and there are things I have to do for me and everyone depending on me, so sometimes the blog has to wait.

And God's been showing and teaching me some precious things I just need to savor for now without jumping on the blog to share. When God releases me, I'll share some more.

I do know that God wants to be nearer to his people than ever before, so seek him and he will speak to you, reveal his heart to you, and you will be amazed by his great love.

The Big Three Four

Another year has come and gone for me. At this point in life, birthdays really aren't a big deal and the celebration is minimal (even though Seth really wanted us to wear party hats). And a new year gives me reason to reflect and I've come to one conclusion: I am really happy and I'm in a really good place right now.

My part time job is really allowing me to be the mom I want to be. I am able to cook dinner most days and just feel more in charge of my evening and time with my family rather than the evening being so stressful and running away from me and causing my organized, perfectionist self feel like a failure. Oh, it is far from perfect and I still overreact and gripe about silly things, but I'm actually enjoying being a mom and wife.

Julia is at a pretty good stage right now, sleeping through the night and is generally more easy going than Seth was at this age. She also is more mobile, which makes life an adventure, but she is also able to go where she wants and I think that makes her generally happier and less frustrated.

It's summer time, which also is nice, since I don't have to try and manage homework times three right now. Each year, the kids are learning to be more in charge of their homework and although I still have to be hands on which each of them, I'm hoping for a little more independence and personal responsibility from them this year. But for the next 2.5 weeks, home life is nice.

Seth is potty trained (except for night time) so that is also so nice. Granted he has accidents from time to time, the stressful part of that process is over for now.

I am weeks away from Julia's introduction to cows milk and the end of my pumping breastmilk at work and I am so excited. Nursing is so much easier when my work day isn't controlled so much by the clock and whether I need to pump again.

This summer my older kids stayed home a couple of days a week, which allowed them to gain some independence and responsibility. It also makes going into a school year with three different schools a whole lot less stressful. The girls are going to bus home from school which will give me some more leeway with my work hours since I feel like I can trust them at home alone.

Spiritually speaking, I feel like I'm kinda in a holding pattern. And that's okay. I was feeling really frustrated earlier this week with things I'm seeing and just what's going on in my life and God spoke very clearly to me. I need to keep my eyes on God, and not what's going on, and get myself ready so that when opportunities I've been praying for open up, I will be ready. I thought, yeah, I can do that. It's so easy to loose focus or start the comparison game and neither one of those things are good for me. I don't know why I let others bother me. Guess the devil just knows where to tempt me. So for now, I will focus on God and letting him lead my steps. He is faithful and he will take care of me if I keep spending time with him.

Love is good because God is good!

Off the Grid

Tonight I am turning off the baby monitor and going to sleep. Last night I went to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep and was woken up 4 times by Julia. She didn't eat every time, but she would fuss and I'd get up to put her pacifier back in and go back to bed.

Between teething and me being inconsistent with evening feedings, although she generally goes 4 hours between feedings at night, I am getting up twice to feed her usually.  And there is just no reason for that. I actually went back to look and see when I started sleeping without a baby monitor for Seth and I can't find it. I was reassured to know his crazy sleeping and eating schedule was in full force at about this age too. Since it's summer time and I'm not as concerned about the kids sleep as during school (sorry guys) now is as good as time as any for Julia to figure out how to put herself back to sleep when she wakes up and it isn't time to eat, or maybe even to stretch out her eating at night. And if she is hungry she will make sure I know it and I'll wake up anyways.

Reading back in old blog posts about Seth, I was glad to note that in general Julia's sleeping is going better than Seth did. At some point he starting sleeping with us for part of the night when he was sick. I think Julia has only also with us for one night ever, so that's improvement. I guess I'm not as much of a push over as I thought. Seth was also super clingy to me at this age and teething at this age.

Speaking of teething, Julia's third tooth came in and the fourth will soon follow.

I have been kinda hard on myself for not blogging as much lately, but I've decided that's okay. Instead of blogging about my life with my great family, I am living it and am proud of myself for that. I wouldn't mind having some more things documented, but catching up is a killer. Maybe I'll blog some in the next week or maybe not. I am determined to scrapbook our upcoming vacation (with the girls help if they want to) before the end of the summer. I can go back and catch up later, but really want to keep the current stuff done within a reasonable time afterward.

Oh and Julia is 17lbs7oz and 27 inches long at about 9.5 months old. She wears size 9-12 months so she is right on size. She loves pulling up on things and chooses to move around by scooting on her bottom rather than crawling. She also puts everything in her mouth. These two things combined make me have to baby proof my house more and keep my eyes on her. She is the sweetest smiliest little girl and brings us so much joy!

Songs for the Kiddos

When Seth was little, I wrote him a little song and would sing it to him to make him happy when he was fussy or getting his diaper changed or whatever. Haley asked me to write her a song about the same time and I just never got around to it.

Well since Julia was born I have also written her a song. None of these are anything big really, but just something catchy and easy to remember.

So I've felt kinda bad because I haven't written little songs for the big kids. Honestly, when are you with your 12 year old trying to entertain her and keep her from crying? Never. So the songs for them have not really been necessary.

This week, Seth, who had no idea I had not made up songs for the big kids, asked me to sing Haley, Daniel, and Katelynn's songs. So I obliged and made up songs for them on the fly. Just for the sake of documenting, here are the lyrics for the kids songs.

Haley

H is for the way you help me

A is for the awesome women you'll be

L for oh so lovely

E for extra extra funny

Y, yes you're the girl for me.

Daniel

Daniel, Daniel he's our man. If he can't do it no one can. 

He's so strong, he's so smart, he really is a work of art.

Daniel, Daniel he's our man. If he can't do it no one can.

Katelynn

K A T, that spells kat

L Y (why) because she loves me

N N she's my friend. Katelynn is my friend.

Seth

S is for super boy

E is for extraordinary

T is for talks to me

H is for happy happy

Seth, Seth S E T H Seth.

I love my boy and he loves me. S E T H Seth

Julia

Julia Julia she's my girl

Julia Julia loves to twirl

Julia Julia she's so fun

Julia you're the one.

4 Months and 5 Months

The last month has been sort of a whirl wind, so I haven't gotten a chance to post Julia's monthly update.  Well, that and the fact that her appointment wasn't until the second week of January and I wanted to have her stats to post.

At her 4 month check up, Julia weighed 13 pounds 14 ounces and was 24 inches long and her head was 15.55 inches around. For comparison sake, this puts her percentiles at 43%, 26% and 7%, respectively. Seth was always so tiny with a huge head and it looks like Julia is going to be pretty average with a smaller than average head. It's so funny how different two kids can be. I kid that by the time she is 18 months old or so, she will be the same size as Seth. He is currently in a size 2T pant (for the height since he has to have adjustable waste almost fully adjusted) and weighs only 27 pounds. He is THREE!  But they are both healthy, so no complaints here. It's just fun to compare.

At 4 months she started smiling and cooing more. She also set a pretty good schedule of two naps and enjoyed more awake time during the day. I just love her chunky legs and arms and sweet little face. She has enjoyed her Bumbo and being able to sit up some. She also was drooling a lot. I suppose she'll get start getting teeth soon. Seth didn't have teeth until about 9 months. I am not looking forward to getting bit by her when she is nursing.  Ouch!

She still sleeps through the night mostly (wakes up usually about 4:30 or 5 after eating being woke up to eat at about 10 each night).

At her 4 month appointment they told us we could start feeding her food, one veggie at a time and then one fruit at a time until we make it through everything, giving her the ability to taste and us to determine what she likes and doesn't like.

 So far she has had cereal, green beans, squash, and carrots. There isn't anything she doesn't like, which is so different from her brother. Goodness, he still is a picky eater!

When we sit down to eat dinner, she watches intently and wants to try everything we are eating. She is also very interested in the shiny cans of soda. I remember Seth wanting a drink from my can often.

 Her vocabulary has just exploded. No, we can't understand what she is saying, but she sure does make a lot of noises. From squeals to just general babble. She is just so much fun. Often times Seth will talk to her and then she will respond in babble and he will interpret. "Mom, she said she loves you." or "Mom, she said she wants more."

She is in size 3-6 months and is still pretty much true to her age as far as size goes. I have stopped myself from buying so many dresses so that she is getting to wear some of them more than once. It's so hard to resist, especially since I buy them secondhand and spend very little on them.

We are having a couple of days of spring weather, so I busted out her spring outfits while they still fit her and the weather is cooperating.

Her evening fussy time has generally stopped, although last week at church when I was working late, I was told she fussed the whole time. I think she was just missing mommy since she hadn't seen me since 7:30 that morning.

She only fusses if she is hungry, tired or dirty. I'm glad she is generally happy. I thought Seth was an easy baby, but she has definitely proved that the second time (at least for me) is easier. I'm not sure if its because I'm more chilled or because I know what I'm doing or just her temperament.

We are so blessed that God decided to give us Miss Julia Renee. We love you sweetheart!

Morning Song

Good morning, God.
This is your day.
I am your child.
Show me your way.

Seth learned this song at Bible Study Fellowship. I don't know if its an old one or a new one, but it has become my go to morning song.

These 4 short lines not only make it easy to remember and super likely to get stuck in my head, but also a really good way to help me refocus on what's important.

Every day belongs to God and I need him to help me to live it to the fullest according to His plans and by His power.  I need to invite Him into my day and He will make it so much better than when I struggle to do it all on my own.

I can do all things because I belong to Him and He's got my back. No matter if I started my morning being impatient and frustrated or with a good attitude, I can always start over. I am His child and that makes me valuable.

God's way is better than mine and I need to choose it. God will guide me and show me if I will get my focus off of me and onto Him.

Three Months

I know that I'm behind, but at least this blog is getting done at all. 

My sweet girl Julia was three months old Thanksgiving week. At three months old, her clothes are true to size as she is just getting into her 3-6 month clothes. I have a few 0-3 month dresses I'm trying to get her to wear one more time before they are too small. 

She is sleeping through the night (from 10 to 6) or so. She usually falls asleep by 9 and then I wake her up for her 10 o'clock feeding before I go to bed. She goes to sleep pretty easily and stays asleep, unlike Seth. Somehow, I have been blessed with an even easier baby than Seth this time around, and I though Seth was easy. I'm pretty sure he woke up at least once a night until almost a year old.

And she is a great eater still. It's so weird to hear people comment on how big/chubby she is for her age. She is average as far as percentages go, but Seth was/is sooo small!

She already says "MaMa" but only as a part of her cry. I really think she says it in reference to me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

She is fussy in the evening and oftentimes I am the only one that can make her happy. Not really loving that, but this too will pass. Sometimes it's nice to be needed, but I will be totally fine when this stage passes.

She is really smiley and starting to giggle. Her smile and giggle are contagious. I love watching the other kids, including Seth, try to make her smile or laugh.  Seth's sweet voice when he talks to her is so precious!

Between a three year old who is in his rebellious stage and a 3 month old who cries only for me in the evening, I am pretty over this. I guess this is God's way of reminding me our family is complete. 

Happy three months sweet girl!!

Thankful Box

In Royal Rangers, Daniel made a thankful box. He brought it home with blank papers for his family to write what they were thankful for and why. Because of the busy schedule of the last couple of days and because we forgot to take the box to my mom's on Thanksgiving, we did this fun family activity last night. I thought I'd share what we are thankful for this year. Daniel made me promise to share them all. I edited for spelling but didn't change the wording. I wanted to use up all the papers so I have more than everyone else.

B.J. - I am thankful for my kids because God gave them to me.

Katelynn - I am thankful for a God who made me special the way I am because he loves meeeeeeeeeee!!
               - I am thankful for a not drunk mom and dad that I can trust because I had harmful parents that owned me and it was scary to be there as young as I was you see.

Daniel - I am thankful for my family because they love me.
            - I am thankful for my toilet so I don't have to go in my pants.

Haley - I am thankful for Dad and Mom because they are awesome and groovy.
           -I am thankful for you all because you're awesome.....ya ya ya.
           -I am thankful for Seth because he makes me happy when I'm sad. He's funny.

Sandra - I am thankful for health for me and my family because there are many people who deal with sickness more than us.
            - I am thankful for my family because I didn't think I'd ever have kids, but God blessed me with five.
            - I am thankful for music because it allows me to express myself without words.
            - I am thankful for the ability to work fewer hours because I enjoy being able to help my kids with school work and being involved on their lives.
           - I am thankful for B.J. because he loves me and supports me.
           - I am thankful for God's forgiveness when I mess up and the chance to try again.
          - I am thankful for God choosing to use me because it feels awesome to see the result of obedience when he speaks.

Being intentionally grateful always seems to put things in perspective. No matter how rough life is, there are always things to be thankful for. It just shows the faithfulness of God in every part of our lives.

Three

 Seth turned three on November 14th and had a Toy Story themed birthday party on his birthday. This party, although a family party which is our norm, seemed like more of a party. Maybe that's because Jill and Sam and their girls came which added some more kids than just mine. Maybe it's because Seth wanted everyone to wear costumes. Either way, fun was had by all.

 Seth got a Buzz Lightyear toy, sand table, motorized tricycle/motorcycle and roaring dinosaur book. He has since played with each of these, so I know he likes them all.

 The big thing about Seth turning three is the big push for potty training. He generally does pretty good, but its a day to day thing. Maybe by Christmas he'll be there. I'm ready to get rid of buying 2 sizes of diapers. He is so big and grown up in many ways and this is the last thing we need to accomplish. We are just trying to be consistent and reward and punish him accordingly.

Being home with him (and Julia) for 7 weeks really gave me an opportunity to bond with him more. He's really into Buzz Lightyear, reading books, and doing puzzles. He likes to point out question marks and exclamation marks in his books. He also makes up songs about everything, like the famous "Poop in the Potty" song and dance posted on facebook. He reminds me of my dad in that way. He is very musical (how could he not be) so I expect music to always be a part of his life. He is such a sweet and funny boy. 

I love having conversations with him because he thinks through things out loud (just like Katelynn did at 5 years old.) He notices everything and will correct you if you call Julia and him anything other than their names (like sweet boy or pretty girl). He has learned that our last name is Fowler (even though he calls it our middle name) and thinks everyone in his family has the same last name, including my parents who he calls Grandma Fowler and Grandpa Fowler where it should be Hutsell. He says our pretend names are Mom and Dad.

He generally eats okay, but his biggest meal of the day is still easily breakfast. When he won't eat if you say "Don't you eat my bite" he will rebelliously eat it all. If he doesn't want to eat the meal he will say he's not hungry only snacky, which means he wants a snack and I'm sure he got from me.

 

At church he always finds Pastor and asks for "one of those little chocolate things" and is rewarded with a Hershey's Kiss. He can sweet talk anyone out of "circle money" or candy.

He likes to say "that's so silly" when something doesn't make sense or he is acting crazy.

He's a smart one and can retell his Sunday school lesson each week. Currently he is getting the same lesson on Sundays and Wednesdays which helps him remember especially at such a young age. I love all the God songs he knows from Bible Study Fellowship and church.

He is at such a fun age. I'm so glad I get to be his mom!

Called to This

This morning was hard! I was running behind (not the kids, me) because this weekend has been a whirlwind and I didn't get bottles washed and was generally not ready for the day. So I was trying to get everything done so we could get out the door and to school/Nana's/work. I wasn't yelling, I was just focused and moving as fast as possible to get things done.

The kids started arguing about something piddly and I just broke down.Tears flowed as I finished getting everyone and everything ready.

And God very clearly said "I called you to this." It settled my soul, but I still felt broken, inadequate and like such a waste of time.

It pretty plain to see that God has changed me through the processing of learning to become a parent. I had such great ideas of how nicely it would all work and turn out. I was determined to be a dictator and to make my kids do what I wanted them to. After all, I am nothing if I don't have it all together. Or that's how I felt when this journey started.

God has sense taught me grace and how to be patient and loving more than I am a strict dictator.  And that is not my natural tendencies so it is hard for me. And although that sounds all nice and lovely, I have learned that even parenting God's way doesn't mean the results will be what you wish for.

Some days I feel like I give and I give and I give and I get nothing in return. That I care way more about them and their success than they do. That I am wasting my time in trying to motivate and/or help them.

But I was called to this.

Why would God call me to be disrespected. Hurt. Insulted. by the very people I'm trying to guide?

Because their souls are worth my feelings being hurt. I'm strong enough to endure even the most difficult emotional days for their sake. I just have to keep it all in perspective and never give up. For he who called me is faithful.

By the time I got home, my energy was renewed and I was ready to go again. Some days/moments are really hard! Some are great! But mostly its just life.  Doing what I was called to do.

This afternoon I found myself helping three kids with different math homework while holding a fussy baby and supervising Seth on the trampoline. Never a dull moment around here. I couldn't help but smile at what "normal" looks like for me. And I thought my life was busy and full before I had kids. I clearly had no clue!

Marriage and Kids

Marriage is hard. Much harder than any unmarried person will ever understand. It can be even harder with kids if you aren't careful.

Things for us have never been conventional. The whole adoption process including many parenting and what to expect classes actually really helped our marriage. They made us discuss things and we decided to be a solid unified front. In preparation for kids, we were forced to share goals and dreams for them and how our family would look. It unified us.

Before kids, we could very easily be two adults, living separate lives and sharing a house. (Before marriage or even the thought of it, we already knew we agreed on the bigger issues, so I'm talking more about the day to day.) We could very easily get up, go to work, come home, spend the evening on our phones and then retreat to bed (especially since I tend to be a night owl and he a morning person).

I am not denying the fact that life with kids is more difficult than life without, but it has at least made us discuss things together as it relates to them. Now, we could still not take time to work on us, but at least we were going to talk about them and make decisions as a team about them.

After we had Seth, our marriage went through a rough patch, as I'm sure most marriages do. I was tired, dealing with a whole new set of stressors including getting a feeding/sleeping schedule for a new born and I felt like he was not involved and couldn't be. I chose to exclusively breast feed until Seth could have cow's milk, which again isolated us. His territory was the big kids and mine was Seth. Some of that is natural for new moms, but we didn't make time to connect for our marriage. And I won't even discuss the physical side of our marriage, but that was a big part of our issues at that time stemming from before we had kids.

At some point, we both realized that the marriage we were living was not the marriage we wanted. And we both looked for answers. I have to give Bj a lot of credit. I totally believe it was a God thing, but in this one area of our lives he chose to not be passive. We started having serious discussions about what was broken and needed fixing and what steps needed to be taken to do that. God led us to some good resources and we have since been able to enrich our marriage to a relationship I only dreamed about in the earlier years.

All that to say, after Julia's birth, it has been totally different. I have since realized that where I felt like the kids were adjusted when we had Seth, his birth and the subsequent adjustments compounded on what we were already dealing with/working to figure out for our family. Or maybe I am different. Yes, God has changed me as a mom, as a wife, as a person. (Goodness, if God can change stubborn, type A personality, selfish me, he can change anyone!)

I no longer look on from the outside wishing my marriage was as good as the next person. I don't resent my children or wish to be more like someone else who I was convinced could juggle the life God has chosen for me with better success.

Things are far from perfect, but I am starting to believe that God has and will provide the strength I need, one day at a time, if I'll let him. I guess I should point out that all this self reflection is coming at a time where I am not back to work yet. I'm sure when we through that back in the mix my stress levels will rise, but even in that I can choose to let God lead me and not get so overwhelmed. I have a great husband and awesome kids. I want to look back some day and smile at this life I've chosen for me and how in general I lived it, enjoying the moments, being gracious and thankful instead of disappointed and angry. Choosing for my home to be a place of love and growth and not strife.

On the 14th of this month, we will have survived 4 years of life as parents. I almost can't remember life before then. I've learned to love the constant activity and enjoy the moments (although it is a constant choice I must make). My life is richer because of them. My marriage is better because the addition of kids made us intentionally work on us and not be lazy or passive. And I wouldn't have it any other way!