Fixed On

It's been a while, a long while. Life's been busy but I havent really felt the urge to write or share. It feel so good to not be driven by or feel required to post or share. God has been speaking but differently, for me and not necessarily for yall all the time.

As is usual to me, God is using a song to speak. I've been learning/playing the song Spirit Move. There are a couple sentiments expressed that I'd like to share.

The verse echos the thought of hunger and expectancy for God to move by his spirit. Right now in my life I feel like I'm in a place of testing, of growing, and as much as it is not fun or enjoyable, I keep feeling that God is about to do something amazing! After all, that's the purpose of a trial, to grow us for the next thing God has in store. Sometimes next is in a few days, or maybe a few years. Either way I can't help but feel that eager expectation of what is coming. Like a child on Christmas morning. And if  the intensity of what is coming is anywhere close to the difficulty of this struggle, I can't wait! (But I have to. Isn't waiting the worst? And yet, we all have to wait, but that's another blog for another day, and actually what we learned about in Sunday School last week).

But to be ready, we have to make sure our focus is right. That's what the chorus talks about:

We are fixed on this one thing.

To know your goodness, to see your glory.

We're transformed by this one thing.

To know your presence, to see your beauty.

It challenges me to check my focus. What am I looking to? Am I stuck with eyes on the minute problem or am I able to see things with a kingdom perspective? To step back and see the big picture. Am I truly fixed, focused on just knowing God and seeing who he is or am I focused on selfish things, like defending myself or my right to be heard or get my two words in. Am I focused more on what people may think of me or being obedient to God's leading?

God's presence is powerful, but in a willing vessel, a ready vessel, a focused vessel we can't even begin to describe the impact for the kingdom. 

God, help me to be fixed on you so your will is accomplished, your way, in your timing through this broken vessel!!

Messy and Reckless

So I'm reading two books simultaneously, which is kinda odd for me, but this week they collided. Not because I wanted them to or because one of them led me to read the other. Because God wanted me to see something, to understand something differently. The two books are The Circle Maker By: Mark Batterson and Messy Grace By: Caleb Kaltenbach. The first is about prayer and how to pray God's purposes and promises and the second is about balancing grace/showing love with the truth of God's word about sin issues.

Let me start by saying my ideal world, life, work environment is pretty clean, organized, structured. I like things to have a clear beginning and end and work in boxes pretty well. As a women, who I'm told is more like spaghetti than waffles, I know that there are many parts of my life that connect to others, but it is definitely my preference for each thing to stay in its box, within the rules, organized and put together with a pretty bow. And within my little world, where my social circle is my church and my clientele is mostly ministers, that works pretty well for me. I'm able to thrive and do well in those circles. It's my safe place and it is pretty clean.

When I first starting feeling led to speak/preach/teach more I questioned my sphere of influence/who God wanted me to minister to and I was convinced that I was called to encourage Christians through sharing my experiences and the things God's shown me in his word. That too, was pretty squeaky clean and easy. Although it was a little nerve-wracking at first, I quickly found my groove and felt like I was being pretty effective where God had given me opportunity and influence.

But lately, in the past year, God has very clearly messed that all up. :) I've been challenged by God to see past myself and my safe space and really ask God to use me how he wanted to and not how I thought was easiest and cleanest. And he's opened my eyes and given opportunities I never would have had or sought out before. Opportunities to show grace in uncomfortable situations. To be a listening ear and not judge or condemn but just show God's love. To pray God's promises for someone else, going through struggles I have never had to deal with personally, and to bear those burdens as if they are my own until God shows up.

So I'm learning to pursue people like God pursues them. To be available and inconvenienced for the sake of the Gospel. It's messy. A bit chaotic at times. And it pushes me to be more like Christ. Like Christians should be. Not stuck in our happy circles but actually reaching out to people who are not like us and who we wouldn't normally befriend and becoming Jesus for them. Please don't misunderstand me to say I am on some "holier than thou" mission to add another trophy or medal to my wall. I'm learning to love in a totally different way than I'm used to. I know that people are God's heart so we have to be willing to get messy, to do things that don't make sense. Many times we fail to love without limit because we see our primary job as protecting the holy reputation of God. We forget that God has called us to love recklessly, like he loves us, without condition and qualifications. Before things are neat and pretty with a bow.

I firmly believe that God loves us all too much to leave us in our messes, but God will never get the opportunity to draw people to himself, to make them more like Jesus, if we don't learn to show messy grace. To love before they fit into our bubble and meet our expectations. A church full of people who are all the same is not reaching anyone. Actually, that probably means they are dying and have forgotten that "it's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."

So I guess it's time to get messy and learn to love and show grace to those around us like God has done for us.

Vision

God has been speaking to me in the past few weeks, you know since I finally got to a place still enough that I could hear him again. A lot of what he's been speaking is for me and not shareable, so I haven't blogged hardly any of it.

But today God showed me something through a song. That's pretty normal for me. Now, I am fully aware that songs are not Scripture , but sometimes the way something is worded in a song makes you think and directs you back to scripture that means something new and fresh that you hadn't seen before.

The song this time is called "I'm No Victim." Originally I hated the song. It felt like a personal anthem of sorts, someone trying to prove something or try to hard. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the song, just a feeling I got, probably tainted by my experiences. But as I listened some more (as I often do when I don't understand what the writer of the song is trying to say) something just clicked for me.

"I'm no victim. I live with a vision."

No one is immune from bad things happening to us. It's not "why me?" but more like "why not me?"  The Bible clearly states that being a Christian doesn't mean life is perfect. That there is never a struggle or things get easy. Actually life keeps going on and rain falls on the just and unjust alike. And in the storm, you have a choice.

Some choose to stay victims of their circumstance. To play the "why me?" game and continue to declare how things aren't fair and how horrible things are. It is there in victimhood, that vision ceases. No wonder they can't move on. They have no where to go. No push, no forward looking thought or goal. They are stuck. All they see is their current status.

Or we become people of vision. When we choose to get out of that place (or not entertain those thoughts to begin with), God provides vision to push us on. Or maybe we get out of that place by pursuing vision. By asking God, "what next?, what do you have for me?"By refusing to stand still.

And when you get even a glimpse of God's vision, his purpose for you, it is motivation to press in. to move forward. Yes, it is much easier to become a victim than pursue God's vision, but it's the hard choice, the right choice that must be made if you are to live the abundant life that God provides.

Because without vision, people perish. Die. Stand still. Rot in stagnation. And that is not God's best for you. For me. For anyone. 

In addition to looking forward, to seeking after what God's next assignment is, we must become people who care more about what God says about us than others. Because the victim needs everyone's approval, sympathy, but the visionary seeks the approval of only one (knowing full well that many around you won't understand).

"I am who he says I am. He is who he says he is. I'm defined by all his promises. Shaped by every word he says,"

First

Been disconnected from the Facebook world for a few weeks and it's been really nice. It's like the background roar has finally dulled and I can hear clearly again. I've chosen to give up Facebook for lent and really may decide this is a long term thing. Not giving it up completely, but for sure limiting it for me. There is nothing wrong with Facebook or other social media but I've definitely learned a few things while I've stepped away:

Our lives are busy but at least for me the chaos is not from the busyness but from the lack of stillness. Facebook for me was a big time waster. We are in this time where everyone has to be connected to everyone and we don't know how to just be. Every spare second we are on whatever social media checking to see what everyone is up to. Not a bad thing at all, but when you get used to the constant roar, you forget how to be still and listen. Obviously I can only speak for me, but the silence has been amazing. Allowing myself to just be has been very refreshing. Energizing almost.

I've missed somethings, like the initial news about the school shooting a few weeks ago. Had to ask BJ why the flags were at half mast. I had no idea. But I've also missed the drama. I don't need to know what everyone is doing at all times, who their arguing with or their opinion on everything. My mind has been able to be quiet, my soul feels relaxed and not rushed and it has allowed me to hear God more clearly. I have a natural tendency to compare, to critique, to have an opinion about everything. I don't normally share my opinion, but it can frustrate me especially when I feel like people are making poor decisions or are being irresponsible. Missing others opinions has been nice. Not that I want to be ignorant of the world, but let's face it: Facebook has become a venting zone. Not everyone obviously, but I like to fix things, so knowing there's an issue stirs me up, wanting to comment back or be the solution to the problem. And it's just not healthy for me.

I've also started journaling without restrictions. I know you'll think this is silly, but it is quite natural for me to compartmentalize things, especially my thoughts. To edit how I say/write what I think so that is sounds pretty. So my thoughts have been split into multiple places. Some things I've shared on facebook, some I've blogged about, some I've written down for personal consumption. Now that I'm putting all of that in one place, without real format or structure, it has been actually quite freeing.

Okay. Now that I've caught up, onto what I wanted to really share.

I have a new favorite song. It's not a new song, but still what's been going on in my heart for a week of so...

"Spirit of the Living God, Spirit of the Living God. We're leaning in to all you are. Everything else can wait."

And it challenged me. Is my life really showing God that everything else, my worries about life and family and kids, concerns about work and church is second to him? Everything else can wait. That He is really first. I know we say God is first, but is He? Or do I get distracted checking facebook status' responses when I am in the middle of prayer or reading my Bible? Or church? Am I listening intently because my heart of hearts wants to know Him more? Or do I waste time in front of the TV every evening until I fall asleep on the couch but am too tired to get up to pray when he asks me?

"Cause when you speak, when you move, when you do what only you can do it changes us, it change what we see and what we seek."

Do we want to be changed to see things as he does or are we quite happy? Content with how things are?

What are we seeking? Do we look for His approval or are we waiting for the people around us to pat us on the back and tell us "well done." If we get it from them, we won't get it from Him. That's what Scripture says. I want to be pleasing in his sight. I want Him to know He can depend on me and trust me to obey Him when he speaks and not be in a wind-tunnel, filled with noise and not hearing what he's saying.

So for now, the distractions are at least lessened (they never really go away all the way in this life) and I am able to focus on what He wants me to focus on and do what He wants me to do.

Your Kingdom come your will be done.

Shift

I guess it was about a week ago when I heard this worship song that has just been my song this week. Every time I hear it or start singing it, there is an automatic focus shift from me to God. 

Now, I love to worship and there are a lot of songs I like, but this one just hits me differently. I love worship songs that I can relate to that are Biblically sound. There are several that speak about going through valleys and finding God in the middle of the struggle. Really good stuff, but this song is ALL ABOUT HIM!! There is no room for my self absorbed pouting or whining or thinking at all about what I am going through. 

And I love that. It reminds me this life and all I do and all I face is really all about Him and His purposes and His plans and not at all about me.

And no matter what, He is worthy of all my praise, all my effort, all I have to sacrifice to him.

For from you are all things and to you are all things. You deserve the glory.

Nay Sayers

Had a bit of a discouraging day yesterday. Nothing I can't survive, but just reminded me that not everyone will be on board when you decide to follow God and let him move you forward. I was on cloud 9 and really excited spiritually and just heard some things and it let me down.

As someone who doesn't naturally love change, I kinda get it. Change is uncomfortable and if it ain't broke, why do we need to fix it? The problem comes when we dictate what God wants by what is comfortable for us. I know that sometimes we can determine what God's will is by whether we have peace in our hearts, but we can't mistake easiness or comfortableness in our circumstance for peace. Even if God is moving us in a certain direction, there can very well be an uneasiness. It could be a distraction from the enemy or a check that reminds us to remain focused and move forward with caution.

I've said this before and will say it again. You can't keep doing things the same with the same methods and the same programs and the same tactics and expect a different result. That's insanity!

Anyways, so as I was trying to not be frustrated and angry, I was reminded of a song.

Who can stop the Lord Almighty? Who can stop the Lord Almighty?

No one. Not even well intentioned naysayers.

God help us to follow you, knowing there will be opposition, even from those close to us.

Hands and Feet

Today's blog is brought to you by a throwback to an oldish song. Just old enough to not be cool any more but not old enough to be retro. I think it came out in the early 2000s.

"I wanna be your hands. I wanna be your feet. I'll go where you send me. Go where you send me."

I was sitting in line at Sonic this morning. I was greated by the voice of an employee who was either really tired or had already had a bad morning. It was easily detected in her voice and written on her face. After I got my breakfast, I made an effort to smile real nicely at her and tell her to have a great day!

And I started singing this song.

And realized the chorus itself sure places a lot of emphasis on people being God's hands and feet in missions. Being willing to go to far away places and be Jesus to people who need that, but nothing (at least not in the chorus) about being his hands and feet right where you are. Jesus hasn't called all of us to go to other countries, but he sure has called us all to represent him right where we are. To hug the ones He wants to hug, to pray for the person in the next office, and to be a light in the darkness that surrounds our daily existence.

I'm not at all putting down missions. We support many missionaries and missions trips all the time when asked, because that is also a part of what God has called us to do. But that isn't all. Yes, Mark 16:15, the most quoted missions verse, tells us to go into all the world, but your neighborhood is a part of the world too. Your work place needs some light. Your kids' school needs some light. Your grocery store needs some light. Your Walmart needs some light. (Can I get an amen?)

So get out of what is comfortable, move past that, to the place where you are aware of the people around you. The place where you notice needs. Where you show Jesus-like compassion to the hurting. Where you become a friend of the friendless. Where you are a living breathing representation of Jesus everywhere you go. And not just when you get off of an airplane in another country.

It is Well

Tonight I have the song It is Well by Bethel going over and over in my head.  Love the song. Apart from the rhythm of the verse being complex (which I love but would make it difficult to teach to someone who doesn't understand written music) the lyrics just stick with you. Repeating in your soul (or at least mine) until you are convinced that it is well.

And I am reminded, that contrary to popular opinion and I suppose what unbelievers would think, being well has nothing to do with your circumstances being worked out and everything going the way you'd expect it. Nope.

Being well is a state of total dependence on the one who has the whole world in his hands and has orchestrated every aspect of your life. Its a vision shift from yourself to your provider and Father. From worrying about the what ifs to being okay not knowing the future because you trust the one who does know the end from the beginning.

It's a declaration of faith that even when you don't feel well, when it doesn't look well, you are well because He is your portion. And nothing is impossible for him.

Getting to the place of being well is a two stepper....let go and trust Him.

Letting go is so much easier said than done. It's admitting your efforts are faulty because you are faulty. It's giving up that control and laying it all on the altar. It's not picking up those burdens again. And trusting, fully trusting in the one who has power to calm the wind and waves. Who can make something from nothing and yet holds your heart, your dreams in his hands. The one who will watch over his promises until they are fulfilled in your life. Whose ways are higher and greater than yours.

So tonight I choose to let go and trust God. It is well with my soul.

Memorial Songs

Remember when the Isrealites crossed the Jordan River? Joshua had one man from each tribe pick up a stone from the middle of the river and they built a memorial. As a reminder of what God had brought them through.

I feel like in my life, instead of stones, there are certain songs that remind me of a battle/struggle I had to face and overcome or a shifting from one chapter to another. Memorial songs.

The song that keeps showing up kind of unexpectedly right now is "Forever" By: Kari Jobe. It is traditionally sung around easter, and it isn't really the meaning or lyrics that has made it a Memorial, but the song itself.

Easter Sunday I was pushed to lead this song at church. It has too big of a range for me to sing comfortably (Kari can sing!!) and I really didn't want to sing it, let alone lead it. But I did it anyways.

Looking back for me, that was a turning point. In how I push myself toward uncomfortable obedience. Toward letting my worship truly be raw and from the heart. Toward being confident enough to try new things that may be accepted or rejected and being okay with that. Before that point I was too scared of failure to try anything different. In worship. In singing. In leading others. But I did it and God used it for his glory.

And I remember that all when I hear that song.

For God to truly have his way in our lives, we have to be okay with the uncomfortable. Often, we pray for favor and ease in our obedience. But it isn't easy obedience that's build character, it's facing the lions that come our way and not running from them scared. If our goal is really God's will and pleasure in our lives, our prayers are misplaced when we ask for comfort and ease and a "fix it" for our problems. Instead, we should pray for God's will and his glory, which most certainly does not mean an easy way out for us. But he's worth it. So worth it.

In Over My Head Part 3

Let me start with a bit of an explanation. I'm a worshiper. It's what I love, its who I am. So I am constantly listening for new or new to me songs that resonate with my current spiritual state or struggle or whose words share what I'm feeling. I would dare to say that besides adoption, the second highest source of my blog material is songs, and how they speak to me. I know that songs are just another person's words put to music and aren't necessarily theologically sound or Biblically true, so I don't see them as a standard for living, but rather an expression that I may or may not agree with. There are plenty of worship songs I don't love or agree with. I'm pretty rigid and picky that way.

Ok, so back to the song of the week, In Over My Head

Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I am beautifully in over my head.

In life, we make decisions on what to commit to and what to steer clear from, often times based on our prediction of the outcome it will bring or the benefit we can receive in return for our commitment. But this line speaks to me of full commitment to God and his plans because we trust him and not based on how it feels to us or what we hope to gain.

Feelings are deceiving. I often feel like I'm sinking, even when I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And yes, honestly it deters me sometimes from going all in. Cause no one wants to feel like they have no control, like they are drowning with no hope of rescue. We obey God because we choose to please him and not because it always feels good. And when we are fully committed, the devil will rear his ugly head to try and stop you.

I'm really struggling as a parent with my 4 year old, Seth. And Sundays are the worst. After I've been ministering in worship and teaching, I'm convinced his bad attitude and stubbornness is one of the ways I am being tested to be discouraged and give up. It makes for a bad Sunday evening most weeks. But my obedience is not about me at all!

But whether it feels good or not, I have to give up control, of myself, of my kids (in some ways, I'm not talking about lack of discipline), give up my way and choose to be a follower, fully surrendered to his plan. Give up my rights and choose to be a servant, doing and being for the advancement of his kingdom.

And he will sustain me. He will strengthen me. He will be my portion and all that I need. True satisfaction is only found at the place of total surrender to God. Sink or swim!

In Over My Head Part 2

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put you in?
Let love come teach me who you are again.

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore.
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours.

I am a box maker. I like everything neat and tidy. It makes me feel in control. It gives the appearance I am in control, but the truth is that even when everything is in its place physically and mentally, I am still not in control. How do I know? Because getting it all together does not relieve the stress. Sure it feels better for a little while, but there are too many factors I do not have the power to change or manipulate that keep me from total control and power. Because as much as someone thinks they are in control, and it may look that way from our perspective,  there is another who holds the whole world in his hands.

So when we try to put God in a box, not only do we realize how little control we have, but we are failing to trust him and choosing to trust our ways. Saying we know better. Complete trust in God is the only place we have peace. And the only place God is allowed to show himself powerful and strong.

In my natural mind, not knowing causes me worry and stress.  But I have learned (the hard way by going around the same mountain again and again because I can be stubborn like that) that when I let God be God, I can follow him, not knowing where I am going (like Abraham did), and still feel safe and secure, at peace even if I don't know all the details.

Because I have tasted and seen that God is good. Because I have learned his character by studying his word. And I am choosing to give up the control I think I need so I can be fully His.

Full but Not Satisfied

Today I had Bethel Music's song In Over my Head playing over and over. Great song if you ever never heard it! One of the first lines really struck a chord with me.

I've come to this place in my life,
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of you.

It made me think about the difference between being full and satisfied. Usually when we are full, have filled our stomachs we are no longer searching for something to eat. We don't have room for anything else.

In the busy world we live in , it is very easy to live a full life. I try and be very intentional about not filling my life so full I don't have room for anything extra, but my life is pretty full. Between marriage, parenting 5 kids with different personalities and needs, church, and work, there really isn't much extra space in my life and we really don't have the kids over involved in any extra things, so I'm sure some of you are more full than I am.

Many of us have been told the lie (and we're convinced) that we will be satisfied if we get ourselves active in as many things as possible. But I've found that I can be full of the wrong things and not be any where close to satisfied. We have to actively choose where we will spend ourselves and pursue the only one who will satisfy our inner longings, God himself. 

You can be equally busy doing what seems right and good or doing what God has asked of you. One leaves you weary and tired and the other leaves you refreshed and fulfilled. Don't just do stuff to fill your time. It's not all the same. Who and what you pursue makes all the difference.

He Lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He hold the future.
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

Easter is a few weeks away and the significance of sacrifice Jesus made for me is on the forefront of my mind. Jesus, his life, his death, and resurrection is the main thing that separates Christianity from other religions. No other have a living savior who sacrificed himself for them. No other have one who chose to come to earth, giving up his rights as God so that he could sympathize with us when we struggle. To show us how to fight the attacks of the devil and win! To show us what real love looks like. So we would follow his example.

For some people, loving others is easy. For me, it's a struggle from time to time. But I know that if I am truly to honor the sacrifice Jesus made for me, I have to let Him love people through me. It's not natural for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger or butt into their lives, but the love of God compels me to do better at loving others. Not to gain anything, but just to love them because Jesus does.

After all that Jesus has done for me, the least I can do is get out of my comfort zone and show God's love.

Those are Fighting Words

We are in a spiritual battle (unless of course you've already conceded to the enemy of your soul. He doesn't fight you when he's already got you.)

Tonight God brought a couple of old hymns to my mind with some powerful messages and I thought I'd share. Sometimes we all need encouragement and although these songs aren't scripture, they definitely encouraged me and maybe will lift someone else up.

Keep on the Firing Line

You must fight, be brave against all evil.
Never run though foes combine.
If you will fight for God and the right,
Keep on the firing line.

When the Battle's Over We Shall Wear a Crown

When the battle's over we shall wear a crown.
We shall wear a crown. We shall wear a crown.
When the battle's over we shall wear a crown
In the new Jerusalem

(Any RLC people feeling a Buddy beat or a Jericho March coming?)

To me the point is, keep on fighting the devil and don't let him win. It will all be over and the coming of the Lord is sooner than we think. I'm not big on accessories, so the crown doesn't excite me, but the claiming final victory over the devil, now that is something that makes me shout! Praise God! The victory has already been won!

So keep on fighting!! Your victory is guaranteed over the devil!!

Heavenly Hymns

Blessed Savior, thou will guide us
'Til we reach that blissful shore
Where the angels wait to join us
In thy praise forever more.

We used to sing hymns at church every week until our song leader started getting sick. Bro. Buddy has since stopped coming and I really am starting to miss those hymns.  I often find myself singing old hymns in my car on the way to and from work.

Today, I was singing the chorus above (which I had no idea was from Life's Railway to Heaven until I googled not to make sure I was singing it correctly). Just had heaven on my mind a lot lately.

A couple things spoke to me:

God is guiding us every day until we get to heaven. A guide is someone who shows you the way to go, leads you, going ahead of you through the same path to follow. But a guide doesn't force you to follow him. You get to choose whether you will follow the path shown to you or go your own way.  How many times have I forged ahead of my guide, doing what I thought was best, only to learn I was just making my journey more difficult? And how frustrated am I with my own children when I try to guide them and they don't want to follow?

I'm so grateful God is patient with me as I arrogantly lead myself instead of letting him be my guide!

The angels in heaven are waiting to join us in praise to our Savior. We aren't joining them, they are joining us. Because Jesus isn't their Savior. They don't need saving. They aren't whose worship God is waiting for, longing for. But our worship is special to God. Coming from a heart of gratitude and appreciation for His sacrifice. From a heart of love. A place of sincere thanks.

We miss a lot when we ignore hymns. Don't get me wrong, hymns aren't scripture, but there are definitely some truths that we can only see if we go back and look.

Morning Song

Good morning, God.
This is your day.
I am your child.
Show me your way.

Seth learned this song at Bible Study Fellowship. I don't know if its an old one or a new one, but it has become my go to morning song.

These 4 short lines not only make it easy to remember and super likely to get stuck in my head, but also a really good way to help me refocus on what's important.

Every day belongs to God and I need him to help me to live it to the fullest according to His plans and by His power.  I need to invite Him into my day and He will make it so much better than when I struggle to do it all on my own.

I can do all things because I belong to Him and He's got my back. No matter if I started my morning being impatient and frustrated or with a good attitude, I can always start over. I am His child and that makes me valuable.

God's way is better than mine and I need to choose it. God will guide me and show me if I will get my focus off of me and onto Him.

Learning From the Past

So I know this is probably TMI for some of you, but the truth remains the same. I have said many times that if we will learn from our trials and struggles, the next time we are faced with something similar, it will be easier to handle and worth the effort to not just get through it but to defeat the enemy, to rise above the struggle in God's strength.

I have always been a big proponent of nursing my children. With Seth, my goal was to nurse for a solid year until I was able to give him cows milk and not have to buy or supplement with formula. I met that goal, but it was not easy. For at least 6 months he wouldn't eat enough and he wasn't gaining weight like the doctors wanted him to. I tried multiple things at the suggestion of his doctors: Increasing my fat intake (by drinking more milk and ice cream myself), feeding him more often including waking him up to feed him (which I am against), making sure he sat up for 30 minutes after eating to aid digestion and decrease the frequency of spit ups, etc.

And each time I went back to the doctor, I felt like I was just not good enough to properly feed my son, that I wasn't doing enough and was failing him.

Yes, I made it through and Seth is totally fine, but it was definitely a struggle I had to rise above. Poor boy is still small for his age and I have the hardest time finding him pants that are both long enough and skinny enough for his waist. But he is fine. He is healthy and thriving.

So this time, with Julia, I had the same goals for myself and I don't see any reason that will be an issue. I feel like I've been down this road (the much more bumpy version) and I've learned to just keep moving forward one day at a time and things will work out.

I was a little concerned that she was only nursing on one side and maybe not getting enough nourishment, but I just kept going and that has evened out. I didn't stress or worry or blame myself for her "what ifs" but just kept going, doing what I knew from my previous experiences.

OK, let me make this spiritual, which is really where I was going with this.

How many times when God takes us down a path do we question and worry if things will turn out the way we expected? And yet, if we will keep on moving forward, trusting him one day at a time, we have learned from the past that God will see us through and take care of the details of our lives. And the next time we go through a similar battle, we can look back and remember where he has brought us through before and KNOW that he will do it again.

How many times did God remind the Israelites of his provision? Of the victories he had already won for them? Of his ever present hand in time of distress? Why? So they could build their faith to trust him more each day.

Reminds me of the song "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." There is a line in the chorus that says "how I've proved him o'er and o'er." And yet when we get in the middle of the struggle, we want to cry out to God, begging him to come through as if we aren't sure that he will. But he's done it before and will always show himself, again and again. That doesn't mean it will look exactly the same as before, but we can rest knowing that God will not leave or forget us, but will be God in our lives if we let him.

So take a moment and look back to where God has brought you from, to the many times he has taken care of you, not envious for days long past, but reminding yourself who your God is and what he is capable of.

Leaning

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
What a blessedness,what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms.
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Learning to lean, learning to lean.
I'm learning to lean on Jesus
I'm finding more power than I ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Two different old songs about learning to trust God more.  I know that hymns are not scripture, but often times they contain solid truth and God uses them to speak to me.

These songs provide a list of the result of trusting in God: joy, blessedness, peace, safety, POWER.

Last Sunday I had a prophetic word spoken over me. It was about an anointing/calling God is entrusting me with. If that all feels weird to you, let me clarify by saying what God spoke did not come to me as a surprise. God had already been speaking some of the same things to me for months if not years, so I took it all as a confirmation from God. (I explain some of that because I am totally aware that just as there are real prophets there are also false prophets. It is not wisdom to change the course of your life or jump off a cliff so to speak based on what someone prophecies over you if it doesn't resonate with you and what you've already felt God speaking.)

One of the things that was spoken was that the power of God would be great in me. Getting back to the song, the power of God can be found in us when we learn to lean and trust in him. If I can't learn to lean, I can abandon my own calling and what God wants to do through me.

I just want God to do whatever he wants. I don't want to mess this up. So I have no choice but to learn to lean. It's hard for me (is trusting really ever easy?). So I will continue to come to the throne of grace and receive mercy to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Jesus Paid it All

Jesus paid it all.
All to him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain.
He washed it white as snow.

For Christmas, I got the Newsboys CD Hymns. At first I didn't love it because of the way the hymns were being redone. They were making them too modern or contemporary. I tend to like hymns more traditional or with a black gospel feel.  But over time, I have come to enjoy at least a few of the songs which leads me to this, my latest post in the collection of writings about hymns.

I'm not sure that I knew this hymn as a young child or if I've recently heard it for the first time (I know we didn't sing it at the church I grew up in, but I must have heard it somewhere.) The words that keep resonating in my head are "all" and "stain."

All - without exception, everything, big or small.

Every sin, every shortcoming, every failure I have ever had or will ever experience were paid for by the sacrifice of Jesus. There is no sin that the blood is not enough to cover.

StaIn - a permanent mark or scar. Unable to be removed by any amount of work or persuasion.

But God. In his grace. I am made white as snow. Covered in the righteousness of Jesus.

I am a doer. I like to make things happen and work to see accomplishments reached. But there is nothing I can ever do to cleanse myself of the filthy stain that sin he left.

But for the blood of Jesus.

Because of him, I  am enough. I am chosen, called for a greater purpose than I could ever create for myself.

Jesus paid it all and I am free to serve him without fear of rejection. Or punishment. Knowing that he is for me.

Realizing we are nothing without Him is a humbling place. And a freeing place where we are able to shift the responsibility of our success on his very capable shoulders and learn to trust and obey as he leads.

Oh praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead.

Bigger

Bigger than all my problems bigger than all my fears
God is bigger than any mountain I can or cannot see.
Bigger than all my questions bigger than anything.
God is bigger than any mountain I can or cannot see.

The main point of this song is that God is bigger. Than the struggles. Than the unknown. Than everything.

And that is the truth.

But God brought me to the line that talks about the mountains you can't see. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has been just going along in life, pretty normally and was hit head on with an unseen mountain. As a natural born planner, it is definitely easier to deal with a struggle or mountain when it is at least expected. (Although I don't like to borrow worry from tomorrow.) Those unknown, unexpected mountains can knock the breath right out of you and leave you down.

But no matter how the mountains come, you have to just keep getting up. Because the God in you, equipping you, is bigger.

Fear can be paralyzing. The what ifs and the worries for the future and the unknown will keep you from moving past the mountains if you let it.

But God is bigger.

We want to understand what God is doing, even when it is often not in God's plan for us to know. Our questions can be endless and we start to doubt God's ways because he does things differently than we do. Because his ways are higher than our ways. And the devil uses our questions to put a chasm between us and God.

But God is bigger.