Saturday, August 30, 2014

Attack

This past week was an emotional rollercoaster for me and I really don't have any one thing to point to as the reason or source. I just know that I was unreasonably stressed, which I haven't been in a while (Praise God for that!) To give you a little bit of an idea of how my week went, I cried twice at work. I guess I am just dealing with a lot of issues from multiple areas which have combined to make me feel emotional, without any one thing being overwhelming.

The kids started school which was fine, except the first week of school seems like such a waste. With no homework and no real attention to good/bad behavior, next week will be a better test of what the new normal will be for them. (
I was encouraged when Haley remember by herself that she needed to read today and took care of it. I told her that I was so proud of her for taking initiave and responsibility and doing what she was supposed to do without us having to hound on her for it. Praying this means things are looking up for her.). So next week is the real first week of school where we all get to adjust to homework and schedules. Ready to settle into the school routine again.

Then there is BJs job. He has been promoted to a management job at Walmart. I am so proud of him and excited for him. The stress comes from me in the whole I don't do change part of my a personality. And when I am forced to do change I want it done already. For us, BJ starts 4-6 weeks if training on the 8th and then we will know what his new schedule is. So I can't know or plan or anything until mid September. Ugghh...I'll try to just not think about it until there is actually something I can plan. :)

Work feels stressful, kinda. Not because of the amount of work, because that is definitely more manageable than in past years. More because for whatever reason the hurry up and wait of the job is just weighing heavy on me this year. Kinda weird since I've been doing this fulltime for 9 years. Maybe I have more outside things going on and that makes the unpredictability harder.

And maybe the emotional stress is not related to any of that, but is a spiritual attack. Last Sunday, Pastor and I scheduled another Sunday for me to speak at church, so there is definitely reason for the devil to try and get me down.  I had someone very special to me says that if the devil can get to me, he can get to a lot of people, my kids, my husband, my Sunday School class, my Wednesday night girls, other members of the church family, my work family, etc.  When you are in the middle of an attack from the enemy, it is easy to feel isolated and alone, but those words reminded me even though this could be about me, I have no choice but to keep fighting because my choice to give up (which if you know me is not an option) would affect many.  I can't afford to be selfish in this.

No worries! I will get through this as well. That silly devil must have forgotten how determined I am to not let him win. He must not remember that I come through the fire shining like gold.  I do covet your prayers as I go through this, because I know there is power in prayer. I know that God has promised me a lot and he is faithful to his word. I know that he prepared me for this, and in his strength I am victorious!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Marriage

I don't believe I've ever done a blog about marriage or more specifically my marriage to BJ. Lately I've seen quite a few blogs that give advice about marriage and how to make it better and thought I'd offer my two cents and experiences, for whatever it is worth.

When BJ and I got married over 10 years ago, we had been together for almost 5 years. In that time we discussed everything. From discipline to jobs to church to house duties to money management to music. You name it, we discussed it. After we got married, I know that much of what we discussed were ideals and didn't exactly work out, but there were no surprises about what our goals or thoughts were in the important areas of life.  I think that having these discussions started us out on the right foot. For many people this comes in the form of premarital counseling, but as long as personal issues get discussed before hand, there should be fewer surprises. Without living together before marriage (which I am against and I believe is not God's best for your marriage), there will be some surprises. That is normal. 

Surprises and disagreements are just a part of living with someone else, whether it be a roommate, or your husband. That is not a reason to bail. If you expect to never disagree about things going into a marriage, you are setting yourself up for a shock and disappointment. You will disagree, but you both have to be willing to compromise. That means meet in the middle. Sometimes I get my way (okay a lot of the time since BJ legitimately has no opinion about a lot of things) and sometimes he gets his way (because there are things I don't care about either). On the big issues we go the God's word as our standard. We were both raised in church and have very similar personal convictions that make the big issues easy ones in our house. (If we didn't agree on big things before marriage, I really don't believe we would be together. I am a realist by nature, and knew the "honeymoon" wouldn't last forever, so we were prepared for the long haul.)

Forgiving is so important. I think sometimes people think that forgiving means admitting you are wrong and they are, therefore, unwilling to do that. Forgiveness a lot of times means moving on without a resolution, with the ability to at least trust that your husband, who chose to love you and protect you forever, did not mean to hurt you and that is enough. Feelings get hurt, miscommunication happens, you just have to choose to forgive.

Trust is a biggie. Jealousy has no place in a relationship. It will kill anything good. If you can't trust or be trusted, being in a marriage is going to be very difficult for you. I have never had reason to not trust BJ nor he I. We just aren't jealous people by nature. We have proven over time that we are each other's one and only and that is enough.

One of the reasons I think our marriage thrives instead of just surviving is that we both want to make our marriage better. We both will take ideas we see online and discuss them with each other to make our relationship better. When you are both willing to work on things, there is a greater chance that together things can get better. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. Both people fully committed and wanting the best for each other and the marriage.

Our relationship really benefited from our vacation to the beach, alone, in May for our 10th anniversary. We don't get out of town a lot without the kids, since Seth is not even 2 yet, but we do always make time for each other. Our kids go to bed at 8. All of them. I have joked that this is for our sanity, but it is really important for our marriage as well. After the kids are in bed, we have a solid hour or so before BJ goes to bed when we can talk or watch TV or just be together. Yes, I know that watching TV is not really quality time, but we both enjoy just sitting together holding hands, or just being near each other, whether we are having deep conversation or just being. We like to watch movies so we do a lot of red box after the kids are in bed.

It is so sad to see marriages who have survived for 15-20 years and as soon as the kids are out of the house, they get divorced. I believe this is what happens when the kids come before the marriage. I totally understand that kids make married life harder and time more sparse, but it is so important to make time for each other and to keep that relationship growing so that there is something left when the kids are gone.

For us, God is the foundation of our marriage. We go to him with our worries and concerns, with our kids, with our marriage. He has held us together. He has helped us to support each other through the good and bad. Life is tough sometimes, but God has put us together to go through it all together.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

All in the Family

I don't often talk about BJ, but he is definitely a big part of this family. I am the more dominant personality and he is the behind the scenes guy. Although it isn't really the typical family dynamic (and I would dare say most families aren't typical any more), it is how God has put us together for his glory. We like it that way and it works for us.

Since August 3rd the spiritual dynamic of our family has been changing. On that Sunday morning, God met with me in a very real way. I have been so spiritually hungry but not really knowing how I wanted God to answer that desire. That Sunday morning God was touching his people without anyone praying for them. Often times, we want someone to pray for us, to touch us so we can feel that someone is standing with us, be encouraged by their touch. But we often rely on others too much. Yes serving God can be made easier by a community of believers, but ultimately serving God is a personal decision, a personal relationship that only involves you and God. That day I intentionally told God I wanted whatever he had for me. It didn't have to look like anything I was familiar with or seen before, but I just wanted more of him. And he met me right where I was with an anointing and heaviness of his presence  like I've never felt before. I am still not totally clear where God is leading me but I know that it is good and I know that it will all be for his glory. I have seen changes in my personal time with God, in my relationship with my kid and my husband, in my day to day life and I am so grateful.

Then there was today. Today BJ got a touch from God. He's usually in the background, but God is changing some of that. God is growing him too. I am so blessed to be able to serve God with my husband. He is a Godly man and a great example for the kids and for me. He leads us as a family according to God's design. He also longs for God to have his perfect will in our lives and God is answering those prayers. He said he was a little scared about some of the things that were prayed over him today, but I know that he will obey God, even if he is scared at first and God will reward that obedience.

And the kids are just growing up in many ways. Each night they read their Bibles and we have a short family time where they get to share what they learned and pray for each other. They are still kids, but I am seeing them  draw closer to God as their questions change and understanding grows.

This Fowler Family is growing together and closer to God so the devil better take notice that we are not to be messed with. He will lose every time, because our God is greater and we aren't afraid of his schemes.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Haley Bailey

I realized a few days ago that I really have been bad about keeping the blog updated about the kids this summer. I have no problem sharing what God is speaking to me, but have been a little less intentional about the kids. I guess you could say that no news is good news. Or I don't want to broadcast things going on with the kids. I have been kind of intentional in not embarrassing my kids on some issues, so I've decided not to post about them. And as humans (or maybe it is me) I don't tend to find things blog-worthy when they are status quo. I really need to change that. So we will start with Haley.

I don't really know when I started calling Haley "Haley Bailey." It isn't her name, but just comes out sometimes. I guess it's kind of fun! She hasn't said anything about it, so I guess she doesn't hate it.

Well she has been asking me for a while to have a mother-daughter date with her, so I planned for it to be today. The other kids and BJ were supposed to go visit Bop and Memo today (BJs grandparents), which would have made the whole day a day for just the two of us to run errands and whatever else without any other kids around. That didn't happen, so we made the best of it and she tagged along on a few things this morning.

We went to Creative Hands and each painted a piece. She chose a penguin and I did a plate.


  (Man I look tired in these pics. I am sure it is due to my Saturday-less-fuss-ness. You know, no makeup and not straightening my hair. The angle makes me look like I have 4 chins, but I am just not a selfie pro like some of ya'll, so have some mercy!)

It was a lot of fun, but took longer than I expected. After that, we ate lunch at Schlotzsky's. She'd never been there before that she could remember and really enjoyed her pizza. I will have to remember that for the future.

Next, she went with me to Kohl's to spend my birthday money. I usually make those trips alone, and although she didn't have much of an opinion, it is nice to get her two cents. I guess I like just hanging out and having conversations in the car and in between errands and such without being interrupted by the littler kids. (I think that's what she likes too.) Her and I have similar personalities (as typical first children) so we don't always see eye to eye. We both have ideas of how things should be done and don't really do a good job of sharing our opinions without making the other feel bad. We are working on it, but I definitely have to try harder with her since we are so much alike and tend to bump heads more often.

Last stop was to get her hair trimmed before school. Nothing noticeable, just a fresh cut.

She is nervous and excited about 5th grade at the new school with changing classes for the first time. She has a lot of questions that I can't answer right now (because each school is a little different). On Thursday we have schedule pick up and should be able to go around to her classes and get the hang of how her days will go. I have planned for her and I to go without the others (who also have meet the teacher that night).

I am really excited for her and think she will enjoy the responsibility that no one else in my house has and really excel in that. The situation forces her to mature some and step up to do her best and I am praying she does just that. She is growing up before my eyes into a beautiful young lady. It's hard to believe this is the 4th school year we have had them with us. (It'll be 3 years since their placement in October.)

I love that girl and love spending time with her. I am going to try and make it to eat lunch with each of my kids once every 6 weeks this year. (Haley is excited about it!) I am hoping they will look forward to that time and enjoy just something special with me and them.

One more week until summer is over and I am so ready!! Don't think the kids are as excited, but life is a little easier with a more constant routine, even if homework gets thrown into the mix.



Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Fountains

Just a quick note before I go to bed. I really shouldn't be trying to write a blog at 11 at night since it takes me a while sometimes, but here I go anyway.

Psalm 87:8 All my fountains are in you.

That word fountains in this verse means well, spring, source of satisfaction.

As moms, or even women in general, we find our satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) in a lot of things. In our kids and how well they do at sports or school. In the way our husband looks at us or complements us. In the way we feel we are doing in our job as a parent (from our perspective in comparison to the moms around us). Even in our ability to be a good wife or mom by taking care of the needs of our family like cooking and cleaning and laundry.

So we spend our time trying to excel at those things so we can feel like we have done our duty and done it well. So we can be satisfied, at least somewhat , with our contributions to the family as a whole.

But God wants us to be satisfied in him alone. Because when we learn to draw from his fountain, we will never thirst again. By allowing ourselves to spend time in his presence and prioritizing that above all else, we will find inner satisfaction and inner contentment that spills over into our mom and wife duties. Every part of our life is changed when we choose to let him satisfy and fulfill us instead of completing a to-do list or getting everyone taken care of. Yes, those things are important and have to get done, but our self worth should not be based on whether we are practically perfect in every way. Because we will never live up to our own expectations. Our value is based on what he thinks of us, which we will only truly understand when we let him be our only source of fulfillment. Our only fountain.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Reality Check

God's been preparing me for some awesome things the past few weeks. I don't really know what all is coming down the pipe, but I am so grateful God has chosen me. To use me for his glory. To love me with all my failures. To see me as beautiful when I am broken.

And with every new glory, new anointing, comes a new test.

Because the devil is real and will do whatever necessary to hinder God's work.

God has been teaching me a lot of things.

You do not support the root but the root supports you. Romans 11:18

You did not choose me but I chose you. John 15:16

Both of these verses are a bit of a wake up call. God kindly putting me in my place. Not because I didn't know this before, but because if I can get my eyes on myself and off of Jesus the devil can very quickly turn this into the Sandra show. God knows this is not my heart, but it does me good to be reminded of my place. Yes, I am loved by God and yes he has great plans, but I am not in control of the show. I am not the source of my own success or failure, but He is. I have not arrived, but he is gently leading me into his perfect plan.

I've thought a lot a about humility over the years, because I have been told I come across as conceited and arrogant (although I felt insecure at the time and was trying to just be confident). Most people will say that they aren't prideful or arrogant and will justify it as confidence, but I really think the only way to truly look at yourself and determine if you have pride issues is to look at your obedience level. If you are humble, as God expects, and respect that he is your source and authority, obedience will come. We have to obey God and put his will and desires for us above our own. This is true humility.

We have to find a balance between allowing the devil to make us feel unworthy and thinking too much of ourselves. In the place of humility, we know that we are nothing and that we are good enough only by the grace of God. That is where we are learning to lean on God more because he is our only source and being confident in the anointing and authority God has given us.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Are they all yours?

Today was the first time I can remember being asked if all 4 of my children were mine. Is having 4 kids really that unusual?  Do 4 kids make for a big family?

I guess I don't see myself as having a big family or a lot of kids. My perspective is a little different than most, I'd guess, since I actually only had kids twice. I physically gave birth once and adopted once (even though we gained three kids), but it just doesn't feel like we have a big family.  It just feels like normal life to me. It is nothing like my life pre-kids, but it is the life God has chosen for me and it is good.

This whole discussion reminds me of something a former co- worker said to me. She was around me during the time we were adopting and was very encouraging to me. I had some doubts about becoming an instant mother to three kids (as any one would) and she said kids were just my ministry and my gifting from God and I could handle it. Even when I was unsure, she was confident. And I've learned she was right. God was right.

Yes these kids are all mine, all 4 of them and I wouldn't change it for a second. None of them were a mistake or a coincidence, but they were each planned by God for us. I am living the life God has for me.