Marriage

I don't believe I've ever done a blog about marriage or more specifically my marriage to BJ. Lately I've seen quite a few blogs that give advice about marriage and how to make it better and thought I'd offer my two cents and experiences, for whatever it is worth.

When BJ and I got married over 10 years ago, we had been together for almost 5 years. In that time we discussed everything. From discipline to jobs to church to house duties to money management to music. You name it, we discussed it. After we got married, I know that much of what we discussed were ideals and didn't exactly work out, but there were no surprises about what our goals or thoughts were in the important areas of life.  I think that having these discussions started us out on the right foot. For many people this comes in the form of premarital counseling, but as long as personal issues get discussed before hand, there should be fewer surprises. Without living together before marriage (which I am against and I believe is not God's best for your marriage), there will be some surprises. That is normal. 

Surprises and disagreements are just a part of living with someone else, whether it be a roommate, or your husband. That is not a reason to bail. If you expect to never disagree about things going into a marriage, you are setting yourself up for a shock and disappointment. You will disagree, but you both have to be willing to compromise. That means meet in the middle. Sometimes I get my way (okay a lot of the time since BJ legitimately has no opinion about a lot of things) and sometimes he gets his way (because there are things I don't care about either). On the big issues we go the God's word as our standard. We were both raised in church and have very similar personal convictions that make the big issues easy ones in our house. (If we didn't agree on big things before marriage, I really don't believe we would be together. I am a realist by nature, and knew the "honeymoon" wouldn't last forever, so we were prepared for the long haul.)

Forgiving is so important. I think sometimes people think that forgiving means admitting you are wrong and they are, therefore, unwilling to do that. Forgiveness a lot of times means moving on without a resolution, with the ability to at least trust that your husband, who chose to love you and protect you forever, did not mean to hurt you and that is enough. Feelings get hurt, miscommunication happens, you just have to choose to forgive.

Trust is a biggie. Jealousy has no place in a relationship. It will kill anything good. If you can't trust or be trusted, being in a marriage is going to be very difficult for you. I have never had reason to not trust BJ nor he I. We just aren't jealous people by nature. We have proven over time that we are each other's one and only and that is enough.

One of the reasons I think our marriage thrives instead of just surviving is that we both want to make our marriage better. We both will take ideas we see online and discuss them with each other to make our relationship better. When you are both willing to work on things, there is a greater chance that together things can get better. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. Both people fully committed and wanting the best for each other and the marriage.

Our relationship really benefited from our vacation to the beach, alone, in May for our 10th anniversary. We don't get out of town a lot without the kids, since Seth is not even 2 yet, but we do always make time for each other. Our kids go to bed at 8. All of them. I have joked that this is for our sanity, but it is really important for our marriage as well. After the kids are in bed, we have a solid hour or so before BJ goes to bed when we can talk or watch TV or just be together. Yes, I know that watching TV is not really quality time, but we both enjoy just sitting together holding hands, or just being near each other, whether we are having deep conversation or just being. We like to watch movies so we do a lot of red box after the kids are in bed.

It is so sad to see marriages who have survived for 15-20 years and as soon as the kids are out of the house, they get divorced. I believe this is what happens when the kids come before the marriage. I totally understand that kids make married life harder and time more sparse, but it is so important to make time for each other and to keep that relationship growing so that there is something left when the kids are gone.

For us, God is the foundation of our marriage. We go to him with our worries and concerns, with our kids, with our marriage. He has held us together. He has helped us to support each other through the good and bad. Life is tough sometimes, but God has put us together to go through it all together.