30 Blogs Day 9 - What Makes You Different Than Everyone Else

"I am me and you are you.
I don't stand and walk like you.
I don't even talk like you.
God made one of us not two."

When I was a young child, I remember my mom read this poem to my sister and I. We have recently tried to find it so I could read the rest of it again, but can't seem to locate it.

You could say that my whole life I've compared myself to others. Always competing. Often not satisfied. Sometimes it left me feeling better about myself but more times worse. I would not recommend the game of comparison to anyone. There is never a winner.

I say all of that because I've learned there are a lot of things that make me different than others. Some good. Some bad. All different.

When I saw this blog topic, the first surface level difference I thought of was the fact I am a mother of five (in a world filled with smaller families) and the fact that I have a mix of adopted/chosen and biological/birth children. I'm not looking for accolades (and God knows I've messed that up more than I've gotten it right), but view this part of who I am as God's well orchestrated plan, filled with great precision and articulation. Not because of me, but all because of him.

I play multiple instruments and sing. My whole family does actually. Trust me when I say it's just a God  thing and family trait/gifting. None of us have really studied music or practiced much, it's just who we are. At one point, my dad led worship, mom played bass guitar, sister played drums, and I played piano in our church worship team. My kids just learned (relearned) that both Bj and I were in Christian bands growing up. They think it's cool. It embarrasses my kinda. Not really sure why.

I have bad skin/acne and have never out grown it. I had the best skin of my life when I was pregnant. I'm not allergic to anything. Its not food based. Nothing really gets rid of it. It's just genetic and a part of who I am. I'm still amazed when people offer easy fixes like I haven't been dealing with this my whole life (well 25 years at least). This is just what I get. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but if you want to start talking about physical traits or beauty, you'll see me withdraw from conversation. (It's why I sometimes avoid pictures with groups of people I'm not totally comfortable with.) I can be pretty self conscious about it. I tend to think people don't see it any more (I don't really) and then someone says something. It's probably the only physical thing about myself I would change if given a choice.

I've been serving God for 29 years and have never stopped. I am finding there are fewer and fewer of us who were saved at an early age and didn't at some point leave Christianity and return. All glory to God! I've never known any different and I'm glad.

My husband, BJ, is the only guy I ever dated, my first real kiss. We met on the internet before dating sites were a thing. I was 16 and he was 19 and we learned we knew common people. We first met in person at one of my bands concerts in 1999 and the rest is history.

I've only had 2 jobs, ever. One was daycare in college and I just celebrated 15 years at S&A (a CPA firm.)

I love to memorize scripture. I did Bible Quiz for 6 seasons in high school which included memorizing 15 books of the New testament. I love to prove I can learn/memorize anything. I remember facts and figures, usually about people's favorites and birthdays. I love a mental challenge. It invigorates me!

God made us each with differences. In personality. In appearance. And the mix of all of those character and other traits are intentionally designed for a specific purpose God has for us. None of what we feel makes us different is on accident or without reason. Even the things we dislike about ourselves is a piece of the puzzle of our lives that God chooses to use for his glory.

30 Blogs - Day 8 A Picture of you with your Family

I thought it might be fun to take a trip down memory lane with this one...

Pre Kids

First Family Picture 2011

2011

2012

2013

2014

Fall 2015 - Seth in typical fashion

Summer 2017 (Now)

Again

Let me start by saying that anyone who ever told you living for God was easy must not be really striving to make choices that please God, to live according to his standards, to do anything more than attend church to feel better about themselves.

The closer to God I get the more I see my sinful state. The more I struggle with my flesh and sinful tendencies. Because I am learning more each day how much I need his grace and mercy and how I cannot ever be good enough. Cannot learn or practice anything that will make me worthy of his goodness.

I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. And here I am going around the same mountain again. You know we all have that one lesson we just can't seem to learn, that test we can't seem to pass because we keep getting in our own way.

For me it's about control. Of the future. Of my kids. Of my situation. And I worry.

And God just keeps speaking to me through different sources that I can trust him. Really trust with all of it.

"If I worry I'm not trusting him to be my Abba Father and take care of me."

"When we like things to work a certain way - and when that doesn't happen we give into fear. Fear is faith in the enemy."

None of this is anything new to me but I don't know how to practically apply it. That's where I try to depend on myself. To change me and how I deal with the lack of control.

I gripe and lecture. And it gets me more frustrated because it makes no difference. I try saying nothing. And it leaves me feeling like I'm not doing enough, I'm letting them run over me.

I struggle with showing love and acceptance when I'm really just frustrated because I'm being ignored and disobeyed. Every conversation turns into a gripe, so I just avoid conversation. It keeps the peace I my house, but not in my heart.

"Oh for grace to trust Him more."

My point is that by the grace of God alone can I identify my fear/worry, give it to Jesus (not picking it back up) and truly trust him to handle it. Trusting God is not something I can muster up or learn. The ability to trust God is a gift that only he can provide by his grace. My inability to trust him fully means im not leaning on his grace enough. And that is something I have to daily ask for help with from Him.

Cause I really want to pass this test. I'm so over going around this mountain.

Surprise!!

I have know BJ longer than I haven't. We've been together since 1999. He is definitely the romantic one of us. I'm just too busy and/or practical to be romantic. Or maybe it's the fact that romanticism is determined by how it is received and he isn't the most expressive person.

Today he surprised me more than any other time I can remember. Next week our kiddos are on vacation with his mom. I'm looking forward to being childless. It just doesn't happen that often. He's off on Friday so we thought about going to a movie or something to take advantage of no kids.

Well today I got a card at work from BJ. In it was included an invitation to an overnight getaway. He booked a hotel and planned our evening and morning events without me having any idea. And the whole thing gave me butterflies and just made me feel so cherished. I was just trying to be easy, while he was being thoughtful.

My favorite kind of getaways are those I don't have to plan for that involve a lot of relax time. My favorite part of the plans is the part that says "sleep in." He and I both know I will probably stay up late or get up early and read/blog but that whole point is that I get to dictate when that happens and not the kids.

Best surprise ever! God sure gave me a keeper when he gave me BJ!

Impeccable Timing

This evening I got the chance to have dessert with one of my cousins and catch up with her. It was a nice time. We talked about what is going on in each of our lives. I'm so glad we made the time to get together.

One theme seemed to permeate every discussion, every update.

We serve a God of impeccable timing.

I can look back through my life, through all the struggles and be assured that when things seemed to be an utter disaster and not going at all as I thought they should, God always knew exactly what he was doing and his timing (which was so different from mine) was always perfect.

I remember when my children's church leader was asked to step down. I was crushed, but God knew what he was doing. God's plan would draw me closer to him and teach me to serve him and not man. To keep my perspective in check and my focus his direction. And his timing was perfect.

I remember being forced to put myself in leadership in kids church. Forced to learn to play the piano/keyboard and lead worship for the kids. I hated it, wanted nothing to do with it, but it is where and when God was able to grow those giftings in me and teach me to lead others in worship.  And his timing was perfect.

I remember starting to play piano in the main service at the age of 14. I remember the difficulty I had. I hated playing hymns and cried often when I messed up. But once again, that is where God pushed me. And his timing was perfect.

I remember thinking I knew what kind of leader and husband I needed and pursuing those types of people. I remember God bringing me Bj and the doubts I had about how it would ever work. He wasn't the type I thought I needed. I was wrong. And God's timing was perfect. God brought me Bj and saved me from pursuing my plans over his. Saved me from heartbreak and broken relationships. God knew what he was doing.

I remember struggling for children, begging and pleading with God to give me what I wanted. Feeling like he was punishing me or ignoring me. I remember opening my heart to the idea of adoption (that I had closed from years prior). I remember submitting our profile for three awesome kids, getting rejected once and picked the second time. I remember the fearful steps we took, one at a time, unsure in our minds but convinced in our spirits they were to be our kids. And God's timing was perfect.

I remember putting aside my perfect parenting ideas and learning how to choose to love kids that were not like me. Who didn't have my tendencies or personality, who experienced life differently, whose upbringing was world apart from mine. It was terrifying for my heart and mind. But I remember KNOWING they were ours and clearly seeing God's timing was perfect.

I remember seeing the first positive pregnancy test. The kids had been with us for 5 months. We were still finding our groove and this was the time God chose to grow our family again. I remember very often (and still to this day) people's opinions that we just needed to relax and we'd get pregnant. The comment that we should have adopted sooner or as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant put adoption as the source of our magic provision, but I know differently. I know our ability to conceive at just this time had nothing to do with luck or "not thinking about it" but God's timing was perfect.

I remember when I first put the pieces together about the Snyder's retirement from our church as pastor's. I cried when Bj confirmed my suspicions. One more major life change I was not ready to handle. On the other side of the transition, as difficult as it was, I am again convinced that God's timing was perfect.

There are other things I'm praying about and believing God for, and the truth shows me that in those situations, God will answer when it is his perfect time. Because he is faithful like that. I may not enjoy the unknown in the meantime, but I can rest in the fact that God has impeccable timing.

13 Years

Monday, May 1st is our wedding anniversary. 13 years. This weekend we are celebrating with a movie night tonight (we like to Redbox it) and date day tomorrow including going to the shooting range, lunch at Papadeauxs, and pedicures. Bj planned the day and told me what we are doing which I am totally okay with. At this point in our relationship, I really don't care what we do to celebrate and would much rather he make decisions and I can just be there to participate. He knows me pretty well (we've been together for more than half of my life) and does great picking things we both enjoy.

If someone would have told me all the adventures we would go through in the past years, I probably wouldn't have believed them. See, he is not the same person I married and I'm not the same person he married. And that's a good thing.

  

I strongly believe that love is a choice, not a warm fuzzy feeling that is based on circumstances. When you get married you have no idea how your relationship will change and grow. How you will each separately and together become who God wants you to be. And that's why you have to choose to love them always. Choose to keep falling in love over and  over again. Choose to hold on tighter to each other when you face bumps on the road and not let go when things change. Because they will change.

 

I am convinced that God gave me Bj to do life with. To help me through the changes and seasons of life, and I him. We are a team, working together to accomplish God's purpose for each of us and together as a family. And as with any good partnership, we are so much better together than each of us alone.

Babe, I'm thankful for you. For the way you support me and love me. For the qualities you bring out in me and balance you bring to my life. For your leadership and friendship. For being an awesome dad for our kids and parenting partner. For all that you do and all that you are. I choose to love you and cherish you today and always!

Thankful Box

In Royal Rangers, Daniel made a thankful box. He brought it home with blank papers for his family to write what they were thankful for and why. Because of the busy schedule of the last couple of days and because we forgot to take the box to my mom's on Thanksgiving, we did this fun family activity last night. I thought I'd share what we are thankful for this year. Daniel made me promise to share them all. I edited for spelling but didn't change the wording. I wanted to use up all the papers so I have more than everyone else.

B.J. - I am thankful for my kids because God gave them to me.

Katelynn - I am thankful for a God who made me special the way I am because he loves meeeeeeeeeee!!
               - I am thankful for a not drunk mom and dad that I can trust because I had harmful parents that owned me and it was scary to be there as young as I was you see.

Daniel - I am thankful for my family because they love me.
            - I am thankful for my toilet so I don't have to go in my pants.

Haley - I am thankful for Dad and Mom because they are awesome and groovy.
           -I am thankful for you all because you're awesome.....ya ya ya.
           -I am thankful for Seth because he makes me happy when I'm sad. He's funny.

Sandra - I am thankful for health for me and my family because there are many people who deal with sickness more than us.
            - I am thankful for my family because I didn't think I'd ever have kids, but God blessed me with five.
            - I am thankful for music because it allows me to express myself without words.
            - I am thankful for the ability to work fewer hours because I enjoy being able to help my kids with school work and being involved on their lives.
           - I am thankful for B.J. because he loves me and supports me.
           - I am thankful for God's forgiveness when I mess up and the chance to try again.
          - I am thankful for God choosing to use me because it feels awesome to see the result of obedience when he speaks.

Being intentionally grateful always seems to put things in perspective. No matter how rough life is, there are always things to be thankful for. It just shows the faithfulness of God in every part of our lives.

Marriage and Kids

Marriage is hard. Much harder than any unmarried person will ever understand. It can be even harder with kids if you aren't careful.

Things for us have never been conventional. The whole adoption process including many parenting and what to expect classes actually really helped our marriage. They made us discuss things and we decided to be a solid unified front. In preparation for kids, we were forced to share goals and dreams for them and how our family would look. It unified us.

Before kids, we could very easily be two adults, living separate lives and sharing a house. (Before marriage or even the thought of it, we already knew we agreed on the bigger issues, so I'm talking more about the day to day.) We could very easily get up, go to work, come home, spend the evening on our phones and then retreat to bed (especially since I tend to be a night owl and he a morning person).

I am not denying the fact that life with kids is more difficult than life without, but it has at least made us discuss things together as it relates to them. Now, we could still not take time to work on us, but at least we were going to talk about them and make decisions as a team about them.

After we had Seth, our marriage went through a rough patch, as I'm sure most marriages do. I was tired, dealing with a whole new set of stressors including getting a feeding/sleeping schedule for a new born and I felt like he was not involved and couldn't be. I chose to exclusively breast feed until Seth could have cow's milk, which again isolated us. His territory was the big kids and mine was Seth. Some of that is natural for new moms, but we didn't make time to connect for our marriage. And I won't even discuss the physical side of our marriage, but that was a big part of our issues at that time stemming from before we had kids.

At some point, we both realized that the marriage we were living was not the marriage we wanted. And we both looked for answers. I have to give Bj a lot of credit. I totally believe it was a God thing, but in this one area of our lives he chose to not be passive. We started having serious discussions about what was broken and needed fixing and what steps needed to be taken to do that. God led us to some good resources and we have since been able to enrich our marriage to a relationship I only dreamed about in the earlier years.

All that to say, after Julia's birth, it has been totally different. I have since realized that where I felt like the kids were adjusted when we had Seth, his birth and the subsequent adjustments compounded on what we were already dealing with/working to figure out for our family. Or maybe I am different. Yes, God has changed me as a mom, as a wife, as a person. (Goodness, if God can change stubborn, type A personality, selfish me, he can change anyone!)

I no longer look on from the outside wishing my marriage was as good as the next person. I don't resent my children or wish to be more like someone else who I was convinced could juggle the life God has chosen for me with better success.

Things are far from perfect, but I am starting to believe that God has and will provide the strength I need, one day at a time, if I'll let him. I guess I should point out that all this self reflection is coming at a time where I am not back to work yet. I'm sure when we through that back in the mix my stress levels will rise, but even in that I can choose to let God lead me and not get so overwhelmed. I have a great husband and awesome kids. I want to look back some day and smile at this life I've chosen for me and how in general I lived it, enjoying the moments, being gracious and thankful instead of disappointed and angry. Choosing for my home to be a place of love and growth and not strife.

On the 14th of this month, we will have survived 4 years of life as parents. I almost can't remember life before then. I've learned to love the constant activity and enjoy the moments (although it is a constant choice I must make). My life is richer because of them. My marriage is better because the addition of kids made us intentionally work on us and not be lazy or passive. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Another Year

Each year I try to look back and think about what all has happened in those last 365 days. I don't usually write blogs or share all those thoughts (I don't think), but this year I think it's worth documenting.

Let me start out by saying the older you get the less significant each birthday becomes. Maybe that's why my previous years of reflection haven't been blog worthy. And why I didn't even remember it was my birthday until I got on facebook this morning. Or maybe we can blame that on too much going on right now. I mean we will become a family of 7 in less than a month.

I can look back at this past year, and more so even the past months and just see very clearly where God is changing me. I've been serving God for almost 27 years and yet, in this past 6 months, my relationship with God has grown so much. It's really hard to explain in words, but it has just been amazing. He's been speaking to me in new ways and using me for his glory and I just stand amazed at his goodness!

And he's helping me become a better mom for my kiddos who need better. By nature, I'm a perfectionist and that just doesn't work with my kids. I end up being disappointed and angry and spend all our "quality" time griping and complaining while telling them not to do the same. So God has mellowed me out some. I'm learning to pick my battles and help my kids without being so controlling. It's always a work in progress but I feel like I'm actually able to love my kids better, if that even makes any sense.

And I'm so proud of how far they have come. This weekend Haley decided she would start copying my sermon notes during church while I was taking notes to make sure she got everything.  She gives me hugs for no reason and has really seemed to connect with me recently (once I learned to back off a little). And while we were talking about Gage (their biological half brother), Daniel said he was glad that his mom learned to be responsible and make better choices so she could be a good mom for Gage. Such a grown up thing to say for a 10 year old. He is growing into such a kind young man. And Katelynn is becoming so independent. She has learned her multiplication facts over the summer with my mom in advance of her grade level. They are just growing up in front of my eyes.

And there are friendships that God has placed in my life that have just blossomed and strengthened me and encouraged me. People who God has used to speak into me and I into them and it has just changed me. I've never been one to have close friends, but God is changing that too. We don't go out often, if ever, but I can email/call them when I need them and they will offer encouragement and prayers and we hold each other up.

This has probably been the best year of my marriage to BJ yet. Marriage is hard, but he loves me in my craziness and has made my life better. He knows me, he gets me, and we have learned that we are better together than we could ever be apart. He is my leader and my rock and I am so grateful for him, especially in this last year! We've grown closer together by the grace of God.

It's just been a year of new things and changes I would never have pursued necessarily, but it has all been good. I'm really loving this life God has given me and am so grateful for another year. I'm excited to see what God does next!

Marriage is a Journey

Really been thinking about my husband and marriage today. Things are really good right now. Really good.

But that doesn't happen by default. It happens by the grace of God and very intentional acts on both our parts. We have both been willing to work on us in order to help our marriage flourish.

Honestly, things were kinda rough after Seth was born. Bj was such a great husband taking care of the older kids and helping me when he could and really making things doable. But it is very hard to balance being a new mom and being the wife my husband needs me to be. Bj got overlooked a lot, but was so gracious and just kept loving me through it.

And here we are almost 2 years later and our marriage is better than it has ever been. And that's the way a marriage should be. It just gets better over time, as long as you intentionally keep your spouse was your second most important relationship (after you relationship with god and before your kids.)

I've said it so many times, but I am truly thankful for the godly husband Bj is and the great dad he has become. My life is complete because he is in it.

Attack

This past week was an emotional rollercoaster for me and I really don't have any one thing to point to as the reason or source. I just know that I was unreasonably stressed, which I haven't been in a while (Praise God for that!) To give you a little bit of an idea of how my week went, I cried twice at work. I guess I am just dealing with a lot of issues from multiple areas which have combined to make me feel emotional, without any one thing being overwhelming.

The kids started school which was fine, except the first week of school seems like such a waste. With no homework and no real attention to good/bad behavior, next week will be a better test of what the new normal will be for them. (
I was encouraged when Haley remember by herself that she needed to read today and took care of it. I told her that I was so proud of her for taking initiave and responsibility and doing what she was supposed to do without us having to hound on her for it. Praying this means things are looking up for her.). So next week is the real first week of school where we all get to adjust to homework and schedules. Ready to settle into the school routine again.

Then there is BJs job. He has been promoted to a management job at Walmart. I am so proud of him and excited for him. The stress comes from me in the whole I don't do change part of my a personality. And when I am forced to do change I want it done already. For us, BJ starts 4-6 weeks if training on the 8th and then we will know what his new schedule is. So I can't know or plan or anything until mid September. Ugghh...I'll try to just not think about it until there is actually something I can plan. :)

Work feels stressful, kinda. Not because of the amount of work, because that is definitely more manageable than in past years. More because for whatever reason the hurry up and wait of the job is just weighing heavy on me this year. Kinda weird since I've been doing this fulltime for 9 years. Maybe I have more outside things going on and that makes the unpredictability harder.

And maybe the emotional stress is not related to any of that, but is a spiritual attack. Last Sunday, Pastor and I scheduled another Sunday for me to speak at church, so there is definitely reason for the devil to try and get me down.  I had someone very special to me says that if the devil can get to me, he can get to a lot of people, my kids, my husband, my Sunday School class, my Wednesday night girls, other members of the church family, my work family, etc.  When you are in the middle of an attack from the enemy, it is easy to feel isolated and alone, but those words reminded me even though this could be about me, I have no choice but to keep fighting because my choice to give up (which if you know me is not an option) would affect many.  I can't afford to be selfish in this.

No worries! I will get through this as well. That silly devil must have forgotten how determined I am to not let him win. He must not remember that I come through the fire shining like gold.  I do covet your prayers as I go through this, because I know there is power in prayer. I know that God has promised me a lot and he is faithful to his word. I know that he prepared me for this, and in his strength I am victorious!

Marriage

I don't believe I've ever done a blog about marriage or more specifically my marriage to BJ. Lately I've seen quite a few blogs that give advice about marriage and how to make it better and thought I'd offer my two cents and experiences, for whatever it is worth.

When BJ and I got married over 10 years ago, we had been together for almost 5 years. In that time we discussed everything. From discipline to jobs to church to house duties to money management to music. You name it, we discussed it. After we got married, I know that much of what we discussed were ideals and didn't exactly work out, but there were no surprises about what our goals or thoughts were in the important areas of life.  I think that having these discussions started us out on the right foot. For many people this comes in the form of premarital counseling, but as long as personal issues get discussed before hand, there should be fewer surprises. Without living together before marriage (which I am against and I believe is not God's best for your marriage), there will be some surprises. That is normal. 

Surprises and disagreements are just a part of living with someone else, whether it be a roommate, or your husband. That is not a reason to bail. If you expect to never disagree about things going into a marriage, you are setting yourself up for a shock and disappointment. You will disagree, but you both have to be willing to compromise. That means meet in the middle. Sometimes I get my way (okay a lot of the time since BJ legitimately has no opinion about a lot of things) and sometimes he gets his way (because there are things I don't care about either). On the big issues we go the God's word as our standard. We were both raised in church and have very similar personal convictions that make the big issues easy ones in our house. (If we didn't agree on big things before marriage, I really don't believe we would be together. I am a realist by nature, and knew the "honeymoon" wouldn't last forever, so we were prepared for the long haul.)

Forgiving is so important. I think sometimes people think that forgiving means admitting you are wrong and they are, therefore, unwilling to do that. Forgiveness a lot of times means moving on without a resolution, with the ability to at least trust that your husband, who chose to love you and protect you forever, did not mean to hurt you and that is enough. Feelings get hurt, miscommunication happens, you just have to choose to forgive.

Trust is a biggie. Jealousy has no place in a relationship. It will kill anything good. If you can't trust or be trusted, being in a marriage is going to be very difficult for you. I have never had reason to not trust BJ nor he I. We just aren't jealous people by nature. We have proven over time that we are each other's one and only and that is enough.

One of the reasons I think our marriage thrives instead of just surviving is that we both want to make our marriage better. We both will take ideas we see online and discuss them with each other to make our relationship better. When you are both willing to work on things, there is a greater chance that together things can get better. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. Both people fully committed and wanting the best for each other and the marriage.

Our relationship really benefited from our vacation to the beach, alone, in May for our 10th anniversary. We don't get out of town a lot without the kids, since Seth is not even 2 yet, but we do always make time for each other. Our kids go to bed at 8. All of them. I have joked that this is for our sanity, but it is really important for our marriage as well. After the kids are in bed, we have a solid hour or so before BJ goes to bed when we can talk or watch TV or just be together. Yes, I know that watching TV is not really quality time, but we both enjoy just sitting together holding hands, or just being near each other, whether we are having deep conversation or just being. We like to watch movies so we do a lot of red box after the kids are in bed.

It is so sad to see marriages who have survived for 15-20 years and as soon as the kids are out of the house, they get divorced. I believe this is what happens when the kids come before the marriage. I totally understand that kids make married life harder and time more sparse, but it is so important to make time for each other and to keep that relationship growing so that there is something left when the kids are gone.

For us, God is the foundation of our marriage. We go to him with our worries and concerns, with our kids, with our marriage. He has held us together. He has helped us to support each other through the good and bad. Life is tough sometimes, but God has put us together to go through it all together.