Faith Words

Today, or rather this week, I've compared myself to others, I've asked God why me? I've struggled as I fell on my face again as a mom.  But instead of rehashing all of that and blogging through my tears I'm doing something really intentional, even though I don't feel it at all.

Today I'm choosing to be thankful for what God has given me and not dwell in the what-ifs. Today I'm thankful that my house is full and never quiet. That there is chaos and fussing between the kids because at least that means there are kids here. Today I'm thankful that God has given me them all to draw me closer to him. Today I'm thankful for the plans he has for them even though I can't see it and it is definitely not going to be fulfilled through my efforts which always seem to fall short.

I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs. I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to be silly and goofy. I'm thankful that they aren't shy or intimidated by others often (such the opposite of me as a little girl). I'm thankful that they make friends easily. I'm thankful that they are respectful to others. I'm thankful that they don't fight me about going to church. I'm thankful that despite my failings, which are many, they are thriving. I'm thankful for God's grace when I mess things up.

I'm thankful that God's ways are greater than mine. I'm thankful that he sees potential when I can't. I'm thankful that he knows each one of my kids and has had plans for them since before they were born. Before I had any thoughts or intentions regarding adoption and adding them to our family. I'm thankful that His word always accomplishes his purposes.

I'm thankful that this too will pass. I'm thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful that he has them, all of them in the palm of his hands. I'm thankful that God's plans are purposeful and intentional and not accidental.

I'm thankful that God is changing me. I'm thankful that His strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm thankful that I don't have to make God's will happen. I'm thankful that God knew what he was doing when he gave them, all of them, to us, and he still knows what he is doing now. His plans didn't change because I'm not the mom I wish I was, but he knew me, and gave them to us and still chose this for them. Because our family was His best for them.

Praise God for He is Good!!

Two Weeks

Seth has finished his second week of PreK and he is doing so well!! Because we are blessed to have grandparents close who watch the littles while we work, there wasn't a necessity for Seth to go to PreK, but I knew that I wanted him to have some sense of structure and classroom behavior and expectations before he got to kindergarten.

In March, I got him on a waiting list for a local PreK/Mother's Day Out program and the waiting began. In the meantime, I got all the big kids ready for school and just figured if he got in for at least one semester, he'd be good. After the big kids started school and less than a week before the program started, we got a call telling us they had a spot for him in the Pre K 5 class at Walnut Ridge Baptist Church. And I started getting worried for him.

Besides a once a week half day program he's done with my mom, Seth has never really been in a program with other kids where he wasn't the center of the universe. He throws fits for me when he doesn't get his way. He plays really rough with his siblings (thanks to a big brother). I was just praying he wouldn't get kicked out. He's super smart, but I really felt like he needed this more for the social/structure side than the educational piece.

I expressed my concerns to his teacher when I dropped off the paperwork and she assured me he'd be fine. It may take some time to adjust, but most kids from similar situations fit in rather quickly. At meet the teacher, he wouldn't cooperated or even really meet Mrs. Vickie. It didn't help that the visit started with him running into another of his teachers. He didn't expect her to be there (as a parent) and he just spiraled downward after that, hiding in the corner, escaping from the room, acting angry. My mom later got him to express that he was nervous and just didn't know how to express himself. We came up with a plan for the first day that he could tell me if he was nervous, we would ask God to help him, and then he would go to class. And that's pretty much exactly what happened.

No tears, no fighting, and not getting angry. He went into his class like a pro. I did pray for him when he felt nervous and then said my goodbyes. We were both fine until I pull out of the parking lot. I shed a few tears (how could he possibly be this old already?), distracted myself and waited anxiously to hear about his first day.

He did awesome and has pretty much been that way every day since. He loves school and has already learned so much. He is just a sponge at this age and loves it all. The highlight of his second week was getting invited to the birthday party for one of his classmates. He has gradually eaten more and more of his lunch (also something I was concerned about), has earned several super stars for good behavior, and was sad that he didn't have school yesterday (it's only Tuesday through Thursday).

The things he has has learned in only 2 weeks, 6 days really, blows my mind. I told him if he keeps learning so much so fast, he would be smarter than me soon. He smiled at the possibility.

I'm so glad I made the effort to get him in a program this year. I almost didn't (goodness I don't need another thing to keep up with). The whole experience makes me look forward to kindergarten for him next year.

I pulled out the easy reader books yesterday and we've started reading more with him. The big kids were nostalgic when they saw the books come out, and remember most of them, claiming certain ones as favorites. I love that my big kids finally have "when I was younger" memories that include us. Things have come full circle.

Settled

So the kids are 2.5 weeks into the school year and they are all doing well. I know that school starts this way every year, but this time, I feel like a different parent. Like I have learned how to be helpful instead of frustrated. Like they have really turned a corner and are taking responsibility for themselves and stepping up in a lot of ways. Yes, I remind them according to the general emails the teachers send and what i see in their grades online, but I hope they feel like I'm being helpful and not the incessant nag.

And so far, I'm doing okay at focusing on the positive and encouraging them (or I feel like I am) and it seems to be helping a lot. I know stressful times will come, but I also am so proud of them all for doing great at something none of them enjoy.

I'm in a weird place as a parent where my more difficult children are the little ones. I honestly never thought his day would come. Because these last five years have definitely had a lot of struggles. Some expected and "normal" for their ages and some totally from left field. And it has been a rollercoaster. Normally I'd love that in the physical sense, but this one, goodness it's been crazy.

But in the big scheme of things I was reminded this week how blessed we are. The kids adjustment and connection to us could have been so much worse. When you are in the process of getting licensed to adopt, you hear all sorts of horror stories. I'm sure you've all seen or heard about an adoption gone terribly wrong. And you pray that isn't what you are opening yourself to when you obey God voice and choose adoption for your family, but you ultimately place that all in God's hands and trust him to place the kids with you that he has planned. Oh, it's definitely a scary place where it is a lot out of your control, and you can't see the end from the beginning, but God always knows what he's doing.

Today I was asked if there was anything I needed prayer for, and honestly, I answered no. I feel very settled and good right now. Like my focus is rightly placed. Things are going well right now. There are things I'm trusting God for that I don't yet see, but I'm choosing to not be worried about it.

Today at church, Pastor briefly mentioned that in our successes we are tempted most to become self sufficient and stop depending on God as we should, so I'm very intentional to not let that happen this time. I also know, the mountain doesn't last long before the devil is on my heels again. But for now I will be grateful for this time of being settled and gaining strength as I sit at the Masters feet before the next battle begins.

30 Blogs Day 9 - What Makes You Different Than Everyone Else

"I am me and you are you.
I don't stand and walk like you.
I don't even talk like you.
God made one of us not two."

When I was a young child, I remember my mom read this poem to my sister and I. We have recently tried to find it so I could read the rest of it again, but can't seem to locate it.

You could say that my whole life I've compared myself to others. Always competing. Often not satisfied. Sometimes it left me feeling better about myself but more times worse. I would not recommend the game of comparison to anyone. There is never a winner.

I say all of that because I've learned there are a lot of things that make me different than others. Some good. Some bad. All different.

When I saw this blog topic, the first surface level difference I thought of was the fact I am a mother of five (in a world filled with smaller families) and the fact that I have a mix of adopted/chosen and biological/birth children. I'm not looking for accolades (and God knows I've messed that up more than I've gotten it right), but view this part of who I am as God's well orchestrated plan, filled with great precision and articulation. Not because of me, but all because of him.

I play multiple instruments and sing. My whole family does actually. Trust me when I say it's just a God  thing and family trait/gifting. None of us have really studied music or practiced much, it's just who we are. At one point, my dad led worship, mom played bass guitar, sister played drums, and I played piano in our church worship team. My kids just learned (relearned) that both Bj and I were in Christian bands growing up. They think it's cool. It embarrasses my kinda. Not really sure why.

I have bad skin/acne and have never out grown it. I had the best skin of my life when I was pregnant. I'm not allergic to anything. Its not food based. Nothing really gets rid of it. It's just genetic and a part of who I am. I'm still amazed when people offer easy fixes like I haven't been dealing with this my whole life (well 25 years at least). This is just what I get. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but if you want to start talking about physical traits or beauty, you'll see me withdraw from conversation. (It's why I sometimes avoid pictures with groups of people I'm not totally comfortable with.) I can be pretty self conscious about it. I tend to think people don't see it any more (I don't really) and then someone says something. It's probably the only physical thing about myself I would change if given a choice.

I've been serving God for 29 years and have never stopped. I am finding there are fewer and fewer of us who were saved at an early age and didn't at some point leave Christianity and return. All glory to God! I've never known any different and I'm glad.

My husband, BJ, is the only guy I ever dated, my first real kiss. We met on the internet before dating sites were a thing. I was 16 and he was 19 and we learned we knew common people. We first met in person at one of my bands concerts in 1999 and the rest is history.

I've only had 2 jobs, ever. One was daycare in college and I just celebrated 15 years at S&A (a CPA firm.)

I love to memorize scripture. I did Bible Quiz for 6 seasons in high school which included memorizing 15 books of the New testament. I love to prove I can learn/memorize anything. I remember facts and figures, usually about people's favorites and birthdays. I love a mental challenge. It invigorates me!

God made us each with differences. In personality. In appearance. And the mix of all of those character and other traits are intentionally designed for a specific purpose God has for us. None of what we feel makes us different is on accident or without reason. Even the things we dislike about ourselves is a piece of the puzzle of our lives that God chooses to use for his glory.

Impeccable Timing

This evening I got the chance to have dessert with one of my cousins and catch up with her. It was a nice time. We talked about what is going on in each of our lives. I'm so glad we made the time to get together.

One theme seemed to permeate every discussion, every update.

We serve a God of impeccable timing.

I can look back through my life, through all the struggles and be assured that when things seemed to be an utter disaster and not going at all as I thought they should, God always knew exactly what he was doing and his timing (which was so different from mine) was always perfect.

I remember when my children's church leader was asked to step down. I was crushed, but God knew what he was doing. God's plan would draw me closer to him and teach me to serve him and not man. To keep my perspective in check and my focus his direction. And his timing was perfect.

I remember being forced to put myself in leadership in kids church. Forced to learn to play the piano/keyboard and lead worship for the kids. I hated it, wanted nothing to do with it, but it is where and when God was able to grow those giftings in me and teach me to lead others in worship.  And his timing was perfect.

I remember starting to play piano in the main service at the age of 14. I remember the difficulty I had. I hated playing hymns and cried often when I messed up. But once again, that is where God pushed me. And his timing was perfect.

I remember thinking I knew what kind of leader and husband I needed and pursuing those types of people. I remember God bringing me Bj and the doubts I had about how it would ever work. He wasn't the type I thought I needed. I was wrong. And God's timing was perfect. God brought me Bj and saved me from pursuing my plans over his. Saved me from heartbreak and broken relationships. God knew what he was doing.

I remember struggling for children, begging and pleading with God to give me what I wanted. Feeling like he was punishing me or ignoring me. I remember opening my heart to the idea of adoption (that I had closed from years prior). I remember submitting our profile for three awesome kids, getting rejected once and picked the second time. I remember the fearful steps we took, one at a time, unsure in our minds but convinced in our spirits they were to be our kids. And God's timing was perfect.

I remember putting aside my perfect parenting ideas and learning how to choose to love kids that were not like me. Who didn't have my tendencies or personality, who experienced life differently, whose upbringing was world apart from mine. It was terrifying for my heart and mind. But I remember KNOWING they were ours and clearly seeing God's timing was perfect.

I remember seeing the first positive pregnancy test. The kids had been with us for 5 months. We were still finding our groove and this was the time God chose to grow our family again. I remember very often (and still to this day) people's opinions that we just needed to relax and we'd get pregnant. The comment that we should have adopted sooner or as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant put adoption as the source of our magic provision, but I know differently. I know our ability to conceive at just this time had nothing to do with luck or "not thinking about it" but God's timing was perfect.

I remember when I first put the pieces together about the Snyder's retirement from our church as pastor's. I cried when Bj confirmed my suspicions. One more major life change I was not ready to handle. On the other side of the transition, as difficult as it was, I am again convinced that God's timing was perfect.

There are other things I'm praying about and believing God for, and the truth shows me that in those situations, God will answer when it is his perfect time. Because he is faithful like that. I may not enjoy the unknown in the meantime, but I can rest in the fact that God has impeccable timing.

Adoption

This week I've been studying the Holy Spirit and his purpose in the Christian life. Every time I read over those verses in Romans 8 about us being adopted as God's kids, it makes me smile. Probably because adoption is a very real part of who I am, how my family came to be, so perhaps it is a concept I can relate to on a different level than families who don't have the same frame of reference that I do.

I am also reading The 10 Critical Laws of Relatonship by Robb Thompson. Great book! I'm only on the second chapter, but I've found a lot of truth and information to chew on. It discusses defining relationships as well as why certain relationships fail and others succeed. Very inciteful!

Tonight, these two studies collided for me as only God can orchestrate. I love when that happens!

Romans 8:15 says that the Holy Spirit comes to us as the spirit of adoption, by which we are able to call God "Abba Father" or "Daddy God" as one translation puts it. So it is only by the Spirit of God that we are able to define our relationship with God. It is a part of his purpose to help us understand the closeness God wants to have with us as his children. Without the Spirit, we are continually comparing God and our relationship with him to earthly relationships, assigning human qualities to a perfect Father as we attempt to define our expectations. And we minimize his love and the intimacy he feels toward us.

There is something about being chosen, wanted, selected that validates us. It's more than "chance" that we are His. He searched for us and is still drawing us close to his heart.

Adopted love that is chosen and intentional. I have chosen to love complete strangers, not related by blood to me, and bring them to become a part of me. It was and is a very intentional choice I have made and it is not an easy choice, to be taken lightly. Love, true love is not a warm fuzzy feeling that grows and dies based on the moment. No, true love is a forever choice you have to make again and again, and that is what God has done for us. He adopted us, in our sin, in our ugliness, because he wanted to make us a part of himself. 

Our human minds can't understand it, but the Holy Spirit, as he reveals God's heart to us, helps us to get a better picture of the greatness of his love for and connection to us.

Adoption - 4 Years Later

I saw a Wednesday's child clip this week about a sibling group of 3 boys who are looking for a kind family to adopt them together. They talked about how happy they would be to be able to stay together and they just need someone to love them.

For a split second I felt like adopting them all. I actually cried. And then I realized I already have. Oh, the TV clips are so deceiving and so easily allow you to idealize what it will be like to bring three new kids into your family. How nice and polite they will be and how sweet they will respond to you, even when they have to be disciplined. (ha!) But you have to remember, you are still choosing to be a parent, and parenting is not all sunshine and roses. For any parent.

It is so easy to lose perspective. We are coming up on 4 years since the finalization of the adoption of our three kiddos.  I forgot how I initially felt when we saw my kids' pictures (both times). How my heart hurt for the things they had to endure and how I wanted so badly to come rescue them and love them the way they deserved to be loved.  I forgot about the excitement of being chosen to be their parents.  The way Katelynn stayed close by my side during the visits and wanted me to carry her. She was the most shy and scared initially. Daniel and Haley were trying to impress us with their toys and skills. How they openly showed they needed us with constant hugs and thank you's. They wanted us to parent them, to pick them (for lack of a better term). And we wanted a family.

And God chose to put us all together.

Oh, I'm so grateful for his divine plan. For giving me a family and giving them a home. It's so easy to get stuck in the yuck of life and forget that there is a purpose. That God put them here. That he gave them to us. The most precious gifts. And I love them so much! Even when they don't want to obey and don't run to me with thank yous and gratitude. I still love them and need them and want them.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart, but it definitely gives you a glimpse of how our heavenly father feels about us. We were each adopted into his family. Now, sometimes, we act like spoiled rotten children and want to do things our own way, but he still chose us, knowing there would be days like that. Desiring to provide for us as only he can (even if we won't let him). So today I choose to feel grateful. For the adoption of my physical children into my family and our adoption into God's family.

Friend, you are loved and cherished and wanted!

 

Mother's Day Musings

I remember what it was like to want to be a mom and be childless. I remember being honored at church as a "spiritual mom" to many when I had no children of my own. And although it was a nice idea to not leave anyone out, being the one woman honored without any kids of her own seemed to draw attention to my lack.

And I cried and prayed and acted like it didn't bother me (all in the cycle of emotions at different times.) I tried to stay busy and distracted. Often times, I really was okay, finding my firm footing on the Rock of Jesus and was able to stand, for a little while, until another month would roll by or another person (with totally good intentions) would give advice on how to get pregnant.

All that to say I have been there. I do understand what that is like. And I am so grateful for one of the hardest times in my life, because God had to teach me to trust him. I have definitely not arrived now, nor am I perfect at trusting him, but I do know God knows what he is doing, especially when he won't indulge me with the details I long for.

And then all of the sudden (which didn't seem so suddenly until it happened) I am a mother of 5 great kids. (How did 4.5 years fly by so fast?) And I am a mother in the trenches in every sense of the word. It is not always fun, but I am careful to not forget where I came from. What I endured to get here. That God brought me to this place. And that even on the toughest days, these kids are a blessing, all of them, and God uses them to teach me so many things about myself and his plan (mainly things I don't want to admit I tend to do wrong).

God knew. He always knows how things will turn out.

And he still knows how things will turn out. I still have a lot of questions about my kids. As a mom, I want to do what is best for them, and honestly, I don't know what that is most of the time. We struggle together and with God's grace His plans will come to fulfillment in their lives. In my life. In our family.

I'm Proud of You!

A few weeks back I visited with an friend I've known my whole life who I hadn't seen in a while. When we were saying goodbye he left me with this, "If I haven't told you, I'm proud of you."

It struck me kind of funny. Why would you leave someone with this thought? Not that it's bad or negative, but just different.

My reflection has led me to wonder what I have done that is worthy of that thought. Is it the kids and adoption? Or the fact I've stayed close to God and not strayed away?

Maybe from the outside looking in, I appear to have done something big or difficult in my life. Something that has led me to the place I find myself.

I've just done the only thing I could do in every situation. I've done what I thought was best and tried to depend on God.  (With many mistakes along the way).

But whatever was to my gain, I consider loss.  I consider everything loss compared to the greatness of knowing him, for whose sake I have lost all things.

Significance

From my vantage point at the piano, I have a different perspective than most during praise and worship.

Today I watched my friend struggling with her nieces during worship. See, she has recently taken in these girls and they haven't really been in church much of their lives. I was brought to tears as I thought about the opportunity they now have to choose God and learn to love and serve him all because she was willing to give up ease and comfort and inconvenience herself to care for these girls. She is making such a difference for these little lives.

And God reminded me that my situation is no different than hers. Sure, before we became a family of 5 I was aware of the eternal impact we were choosing to make for these three souls, but since then, I've gotten a little lost in the weeds.

In both cases, these kids were unchurched. If they had stayed in their previous situations, they may never have known the love of God. His grace and mercy. Or the love of a parent who will selflessly give up so much to help them and provide for them.

It'd hard sometimes to remember there is more than mounds of homework every day. More than the constant refereeing and teaching appropriate behavior.  Not that teaching kids to serve God is difficult for us since we don't know any other way, but its easy to get lost in the details and forget the big picture. The significance of our obedience.

Thank you, God, for allowing us to make a difference. For entrusting us with something that is significant for your kingdom.

Called to This

This morning was hard! I was running behind (not the kids, me) because this weekend has been a whirlwind and I didn't get bottles washed and was generally not ready for the day. So I was trying to get everything done so we could get out the door and to school/Nana's/work. I wasn't yelling, I was just focused and moving as fast as possible to get things done.

The kids started arguing about something piddly and I just broke down.Tears flowed as I finished getting everyone and everything ready.

And God very clearly said "I called you to this." It settled my soul, but I still felt broken, inadequate and like such a waste of time.

It pretty plain to see that God has changed me through the processing of learning to become a parent. I had such great ideas of how nicely it would all work and turn out. I was determined to be a dictator and to make my kids do what I wanted them to. After all, I am nothing if I don't have it all together. Or that's how I felt when this journey started.

God has sense taught me grace and how to be patient and loving more than I am a strict dictator.  And that is not my natural tendencies so it is hard for me. And although that sounds all nice and lovely, I have learned that even parenting God's way doesn't mean the results will be what you wish for.

Some days I feel like I give and I give and I give and I get nothing in return. That I care way more about them and their success than they do. That I am wasting my time in trying to motivate and/or help them.

But I was called to this.

Why would God call me to be disrespected. Hurt. Insulted. by the very people I'm trying to guide?

Because their souls are worth my feelings being hurt. I'm strong enough to endure even the most difficult emotional days for their sake. I just have to keep it all in perspective and never give up. For he who called me is faithful.

By the time I got home, my energy was renewed and I was ready to go again. Some days/moments are really hard! Some are great! But mostly its just life.  Doing what I was called to do.

This afternoon I found myself helping three kids with different math homework while holding a fussy baby and supervising Seth on the trampoline. Never a dull moment around here. I couldn't help but smile at what "normal" looks like for me. And I thought my life was busy and full before I had kids. I clearly had no clue!

Lightbulb Moment

Ever had one of those moments where God speaks and you get a glimpse of understanding into the big picture as God sees it? I had one such moment today. Let me start by saying I know that no words will fully explain what I now understand as God's plan, but I'm gonna try anyways.

For me, I kinda feel like I'm two different people. On the natural side I am Sandra the mom and wife. Those are important roles and God has put my family together and placed me in this position.

On the spiritual side, God has placed certain callings and anointing on me for use in his kingdom and within the church body.

I have been going through a time of change for the past 4 years. From my naturally rigid, perfectionist self to someone who can be flexible and go with the flow. And it has been very good for me and has helped me adapt to my "new" role as a mom of many and dealing with the unexpected nature of parenting and big families. And other parts of my natural life have benefited as well.

But today God showed me that although my kids are a blessing from Him and being their mom is a ministry, they are the tool God is using to make me more flexible for his bigger kingdom plans and purposes. There are ways God wants to use me that require me to trust Him more and be flexible enough to obey one step at a time. In order to see the fullness of what God intends, I have to continue to allow him to make me flexible.

God made me the perfectionist, orderly person I am. So it seems weird that he is changing me to be different than how he made me. But I have learned that both structure and flexibility have their place. Structure and being rigid have served me well. Those tendencies are why I have been stubborn enough to not give the devil a foothold, to become grounded in God's word, to build a strong foundation in God. I am not saying I'm perfect or never fall, but I have been blessed enough to learn to stand my ground against the devil at an early age and have been practicing it for many years. Because I naturally don't do anything half hearted. I am driven and determined and those things came from God.

The rigidity has served its purpose in seasons of my life. It has made me who I am. But now its time to learn to be flexible and obedient if I am to become the fullness of who God intends.

Some days (if I'm honest, most days) I wish I could see how all this turns out. But alas, I can't so I have to keep trusting that God hasn't left out any details. I have no problem believing God for the big things, but my personality hesitates to believe that anyone can remember all the details like I can. But he is God and even though my need for control makes it hard for me to let go, I know and say by faith that he also can handle all the details of my life perfectly and I will choose to trust him in this.

Marriage and Kids

Marriage is hard. Much harder than any unmarried person will ever understand. It can be even harder with kids if you aren't careful.

Things for us have never been conventional. The whole adoption process including many parenting and what to expect classes actually really helped our marriage. They made us discuss things and we decided to be a solid unified front. In preparation for kids, we were forced to share goals and dreams for them and how our family would look. It unified us.

Before kids, we could very easily be two adults, living separate lives and sharing a house. (Before marriage or even the thought of it, we already knew we agreed on the bigger issues, so I'm talking more about the day to day.) We could very easily get up, go to work, come home, spend the evening on our phones and then retreat to bed (especially since I tend to be a night owl and he a morning person).

I am not denying the fact that life with kids is more difficult than life without, but it has at least made us discuss things together as it relates to them. Now, we could still not take time to work on us, but at least we were going to talk about them and make decisions as a team about them.

After we had Seth, our marriage went through a rough patch, as I'm sure most marriages do. I was tired, dealing with a whole new set of stressors including getting a feeding/sleeping schedule for a new born and I felt like he was not involved and couldn't be. I chose to exclusively breast feed until Seth could have cow's milk, which again isolated us. His territory was the big kids and mine was Seth. Some of that is natural for new moms, but we didn't make time to connect for our marriage. And I won't even discuss the physical side of our marriage, but that was a big part of our issues at that time stemming from before we had kids.

At some point, we both realized that the marriage we were living was not the marriage we wanted. And we both looked for answers. I have to give Bj a lot of credit. I totally believe it was a God thing, but in this one area of our lives he chose to not be passive. We started having serious discussions about what was broken and needed fixing and what steps needed to be taken to do that. God led us to some good resources and we have since been able to enrich our marriage to a relationship I only dreamed about in the earlier years.

All that to say, after Julia's birth, it has been totally different. I have since realized that where I felt like the kids were adjusted when we had Seth, his birth and the subsequent adjustments compounded on what we were already dealing with/working to figure out for our family. Or maybe I am different. Yes, God has changed me as a mom, as a wife, as a person. (Goodness, if God can change stubborn, type A personality, selfish me, he can change anyone!)

I no longer look on from the outside wishing my marriage was as good as the next person. I don't resent my children or wish to be more like someone else who I was convinced could juggle the life God has chosen for me with better success.

Things are far from perfect, but I am starting to believe that God has and will provide the strength I need, one day at a time, if I'll let him. I guess I should point out that all this self reflection is coming at a time where I am not back to work yet. I'm sure when we through that back in the mix my stress levels will rise, but even in that I can choose to let God lead me and not get so overwhelmed. I have a great husband and awesome kids. I want to look back some day and smile at this life I've chosen for me and how in general I lived it, enjoying the moments, being gracious and thankful instead of disappointed and angry. Choosing for my home to be a place of love and growth and not strife.

On the 14th of this month, we will have survived 4 years of life as parents. I almost can't remember life before then. I've learned to love the constant activity and enjoy the moments (although it is a constant choice I must make). My life is richer because of them. My marriage is better because the addition of kids made us intentionally work on us and not be lazy or passive. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

When God Gives Me What I Want

God made me with a Type A personality. Very organized. Planned. Not spontaneous at all.  So over the years, there have been many times when God has had to mess me up and teach me to trust him and that his ways are better than my plans. God has given me many surprises that have rocked me to my very core.

Surprise! You can't get pregnant when you want to and have babies when you plan them to be born!

Surprise! You are going to adopt!

Surprise! You are going to adopt 3 kids at once!

Surprise! Now you are going to be pregnant!

Surprise! Now your daughter has a learning disability!

Surprise! Now your son can't sit still and has anxiety issues!

Surprise! Now you aren't going to have a natural birth with no medications like your mom and sister!

Surprise! Now your daughter isn't going to try her best because she thinks she's stupid!

So when things actually kinda go the way I would like or according to my personality, I am almost more surprised than when they don't. Take my labor and deliveries. Both of them were/will be inductions (unless she just can't wait another 7 hours). Now, that isn't what my initial goal was with Seth, but looking back, I am really glad I was induced with him. It let me plan who was watching my kids when. It took the surprise or guessing out of the "am I in labor or not?" questions all moms have or the last minute shifting of kids to grandparents so we can get to the hospital in time.  All of these things made it a very good birth experience for me.

And this time, I know more what to expect since I've been through this before with the same doctor at the same hospital. I like being able to mentally plan. It makes me less stressed. I am totally aware that it won't be exactly like last time, but I'm also not worried about it.

I expect her to be here by lunch tomorrow and I want to stay only one night and come home on Friday.

So today I am grateful that God has allowed somethings in my life to stay organized and planned and that every once in a while he chooses to agree with me and my great ideas!

Another Year

Each year I try to look back and think about what all has happened in those last 365 days. I don't usually write blogs or share all those thoughts (I don't think), but this year I think it's worth documenting.

Let me start out by saying the older you get the less significant each birthday becomes. Maybe that's why my previous years of reflection haven't been blog worthy. And why I didn't even remember it was my birthday until I got on facebook this morning. Or maybe we can blame that on too much going on right now. I mean we will become a family of 7 in less than a month.

I can look back at this past year, and more so even the past months and just see very clearly where God is changing me. I've been serving God for almost 27 years and yet, in this past 6 months, my relationship with God has grown so much. It's really hard to explain in words, but it has just been amazing. He's been speaking to me in new ways and using me for his glory and I just stand amazed at his goodness!

And he's helping me become a better mom for my kiddos who need better. By nature, I'm a perfectionist and that just doesn't work with my kids. I end up being disappointed and angry and spend all our "quality" time griping and complaining while telling them not to do the same. So God has mellowed me out some. I'm learning to pick my battles and help my kids without being so controlling. It's always a work in progress but I feel like I'm actually able to love my kids better, if that even makes any sense.

And I'm so proud of how far they have come. This weekend Haley decided she would start copying my sermon notes during church while I was taking notes to make sure she got everything.  She gives me hugs for no reason and has really seemed to connect with me recently (once I learned to back off a little). And while we were talking about Gage (their biological half brother), Daniel said he was glad that his mom learned to be responsible and make better choices so she could be a good mom for Gage. Such a grown up thing to say for a 10 year old. He is growing into such a kind young man. And Katelynn is becoming so independent. She has learned her multiplication facts over the summer with my mom in advance of her grade level. They are just growing up in front of my eyes.

And there are friendships that God has placed in my life that have just blossomed and strengthened me and encouraged me. People who God has used to speak into me and I into them and it has just changed me. I've never been one to have close friends, but God is changing that too. We don't go out often, if ever, but I can email/call them when I need them and they will offer encouragement and prayers and we hold each other up.

This has probably been the best year of my marriage to BJ yet. Marriage is hard, but he loves me in my craziness and has made my life better. He knows me, he gets me, and we have learned that we are better together than we could ever be apart. He is my leader and my rock and I am so grateful for him, especially in this last year! We've grown closer together by the grace of God.

It's just been a year of new things and changes I would never have pursued necessarily, but it has all been good. I'm really loving this life God has given me and am so grateful for another year. I'm excited to see what God does next!

God Hurts

I've been having a rough week emotionally. Call it a spiritual attack + preggo hormones + tiredness or whatever else you'd like. I don't usually cry, but this week (yesterday especially) my make up was no more before I even made it to work.

I keep having people tell me that I'm overwhelmed. I thought I was doing pretty good until the damn broke yesterday and I couldn't stop crying. And honestly, this happens on occasion and I feel better afterwards. An emotional release just feels good. (I always think about that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Ray is trying to make himself cry to try and understand why Deborah likes a good cry every once in a while. Such a funny episode.)

My kids, who I don't give nearly enough credit to, especially the one who I feel really disconnected from right now, was very compassionate and just sat by me on the couch and hugged me through my tears. These are the moments I need to remember when I feel like all of my efforts are wasted and getting nowhere. When I feel unneeded and unwanted.

So I woke up this morning with an old song in my head:
I need thee, oh, I need thee.
Every hour I need thee.

And I saw a vision of God, sitting on his throne, weeping uncontrollably. Because when I let myself feel unneeded, and overwhelmed with sorrow, God hurts too. Because just like I have adopted three kids and want to provide them with everything they need to succeed, and sometimes they don't think they need me and don't want my help, God has done the same for me and I respond just like they do. And he feels unneeded too when I don't let him help me. And it hurts him when I am hurting and he could fix it if I would let him, but I choose to be overwhelmed instead.

Such a powerful picture of the love of our father. God, let me never forget that you need to be needed and want to be wanted too. Help me to trust you and not carry this all on my own.

The Whole World

He's got the whole world in his hands....or at least that's how the children's song goes.

We love God, we trust him and we know he will take care of us and provide and yet, as moms we think that our kids' struggles and problems are ours to carry and figure out.

Or maybe that's just me.

I've learned that I can trust God in even the most difficult times but because our kids lives are entrusted to us by God himself, I find it very difficult to lead them as I feel God would lead me and still trust the results to him.  In my human understanding it doesn't make sense that I am to train them up but it isn't my burden to carry if they turn out okay.

Maybe its different because I still feel like I don't know my kids like other parents do.

Or maybe I'm just making excuses for my failure to trust God.

I have seen too many kids, many of them my peers, be raised in church, taught the right things, even have faithful Christian parents, who have since chosen to walk away from God.

And it scares me.

I know I can only do so much and am learning to trust God with their futures, but it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Because my tendency is to fear where I don't have control.

And yet God has promised that his anointing will go with them and flow through them, so I stand on that for now.

And I may need to start my day with a little children's song to remind me that he has the whole world in his hands, even my kids.

Thanksgiving Week - Day 1

I don't spend nearly enough time chronicling the days I get to spend with my kids. This year I am off all week, so I've decided to write some about what is going on.

So yesterday we made a list of all the things we/I want to get done this week. I am sure we won't make it through all of it, but at least its a start. I tend to get at least mentally over ambitious and it ruins all the fun, so I'm trying not to do that.

Yesterday, the kids got up and I didn't even hear them until 7:45. This means they got up, went down stairs and were quiet, not arguing or bickering until then. And they didn't wake me or Seth or Haley up. It felt so good go sleep in some.

Then we decided to put their tree up in the living room. I put up the tree, they fluffed and decorated it. They did a good job, much better than last year where all the ornaments were squished together. Seth helped. At first he thought he could just put the in the tree and they would stay. By the time we were finishing he knew he needed a hook and could help me out them on. His favorite part is the button (pedal) to turn the lights off and on. The kids have done really well decorating.

I think Daniel was the most excited to get the trees up. He loves Christmas and loves having lights in his room. Later in the afternoon, after we went grocery shopping, the kids out their trees up in their room.

My fancy organized tree is the only one not up yet I'm hoping to at least get it up today. May be decorating it tomorrow.

In the afternoon we watched Home Alone, which I had recorded on TV a few days ago when I saw it was showing. The kids and I think that movie is so funny. Daniel thinks it would be fun to be so brave and face the bad guys like Kevin did. I was just glad he realized that some of the stunts prepared to hurt the bad guys weren't very safe. My kids love to laugh. So much so that they burst into laughter at the humor in a movie and we miss the next minute or so of what is going on. Often it frustrates me, but I guess we could all use a little more laughter.

For dinner, I made chicken and dumpling casserole. We really like it and it is so easy to make.

It was a great day and not once did their biological family come up. It doesn't scare me or intimidate me, but those thoughts usually leave my kids frustrated or angry. I'm just glad it was a nice day with the kids.

National Adoption Day

As today is national adoption day, I thought I'd talk about how adoption has affected our lives. I think that before you decide to adopt kids or are personally involved in foster care or adoption, people have a very warm and fuzzy feeling about adoption. How wonderful to offer your home and your life to someone who needs a family!

And from my experience, adoption is an amazing thing! It is how God choose to grow my family! And I wouldn't go back for anything!

But adoption is hard! I know there are many other people who have adopted and had a much more difficult time than we have had, but we have still had obstacles to overcome. And just when I think things are going well and life will be kinda normal something happens and we are reminded again of the many things our kids have to face on an everyday basis. There are days when I wish we had them from birth so I would better understand why they feel certain ways or why they respond so harshly to some things. Or to prevent then from the things that cause hurt and anger for them.

Which brings me to Ephesians 1:4-6. The Bible tells us that we were adopted into his family. You can't choose your biological kids, and although its kind of a weird feeling, you do get to shop for your adopted kids. All that to say, God chose us because he wanted us.

There is no greater picture of what Jesus did for us than the physical adoption of kids into the family. Before we met our kids we were able to view their CPS file ( all 1100 pages of it) in order to determine if we thought we could handle whatever issues they had and help them work through them. We knew where their weaknesses were, we knew their struggles and imperfections and chose them anyways. God knows everything about us and yet chooses us to be in his family. He isn't blindly choosing us or stuck with us because we are biological family (although I love Seth and wouldn't get him back, he was added to our family somewhat blindly) but he chose us according to his pleasure. He is pleased to have us be a part of his family, his loved ones, the recipients of the inheritance he has prepared for his lineage. He desires to have us represent his family name and bear the resemblance of his character in our lives. That is powerful!

So to all of you who have been physically adopted or spiritually adopted, take today to celebrate that you are wanted and cherished and loved!

Happy National Adoption Day!

God Comes While We Wait

Earlier in the week, I started looking at my Sunday School lesson and God really spoke to me. If you are in my Sunday School class consider yourself warned for the upcoming spoiler.

We all know the story of Sarah and Abraham. God had promised them a son and many descendants and they waited about 25 years before they saw God's promise fulfilled. What I'd never really thought about was the way God showed himself to them during the time of waiting.

It was during these years that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah and rescued Lot in answer to Abraham's prayer. This was to show them that nothing is impossible with God.

It was also during the wait that Sarah found favor with Abimelech. When he pursued her ( believing that Sarah was Abraham's sister) God punished Abimelech by closing the wombs of his wife and maids. Abraham, whose own wife was barren, prayed for God to open their closed wombs and God heard him. This showed Abraham and Sarah very clearly that nothing is impossible, even the opening of barren wombs (the very thing they were struggling to believe God could do.)

So God intentionally showed himself to them while they were waiting on his promise to remind them that he is God and to encourage them to hold on a little longer. Why? Because he knew that waiting isn't easy, but that it is worth it in the long run.

I go back to our time of waiting, when we were dealing with unexplained infertility. During the waiting, God led us to adopt our three beautiful children. Three children who already had family names from our family. Three children who look just like us and fit us perfectly. Yes, these children were a miracle of their own, but they were also a reminder to us that God was still faithful and he was still going to be faithful to his promise to us.

And 5 months later, we found out we were pregnant!

So be encouraged! God is faithful to his word and he will very intentionally speak and move even as you wait to encourage and remind you that he loves you and will keep his promises!