I remember what it was like to want to be a mom and be childless. I remember being honored at church as a "spiritual mom" to many when I had no children of my own. And although it was a nice idea to not leave anyone out, being the one woman honored without any kids of her own seemed to draw attention to my lack.
And I cried and prayed and acted like it didn't bother me (all in the cycle of emotions at different times.) I tried to stay busy and distracted. Often times, I really was okay, finding my firm footing on the Rock of Jesus and was able to stand, for a little while, until another month would roll by or another person (with totally good intentions) would give advice on how to get pregnant.
All that to say I have been there. I do understand what that is like. And I am so grateful for one of the hardest times in my life, because God had to teach me to trust him. I have definitely not arrived now, nor am I perfect at trusting him, but I do know God knows what he is doing, especially when he won't indulge me with the details I long for.
And then all of the sudden (which didn't seem so suddenly until it happened) I am a mother of 5 great kids. (How did 4.5 years fly by so fast?) And I am a mother in the trenches in every sense of the word. It is not always fun, but I am careful to not forget where I came from. What I endured to get here. That God brought me to this place. And that even on the toughest days, these kids are a blessing, all of them, and God uses them to teach me so many things about myself and his plan (mainly things I don't want to admit I tend to do wrong).
God knew. He always knows how things will turn out.
And he still knows how things will turn out. I still have a lot of questions about my kids. As a mom, I want to do what is best for them, and honestly, I don't know what that is most of the time. We struggle together and with God's grace His plans will come to fulfillment in their lives. In my life. In our family.
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