God Hurts

I've been having a rough week emotionally. Call it a spiritual attack + preggo hormones + tiredness or whatever else you'd like. I don't usually cry, but this week (yesterday especially) my make up was no more before I even made it to work.

I keep having people tell me that I'm overwhelmed. I thought I was doing pretty good until the damn broke yesterday and I couldn't stop crying. And honestly, this happens on occasion and I feel better afterwards. An emotional release just feels good. (I always think about that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Ray is trying to make himself cry to try and understand why Deborah likes a good cry every once in a while. Such a funny episode.)

My kids, who I don't give nearly enough credit to, especially the one who I feel really disconnected from right now, was very compassionate and just sat by me on the couch and hugged me through my tears. These are the moments I need to remember when I feel like all of my efforts are wasted and getting nowhere. When I feel unneeded and unwanted.

So I woke up this morning with an old song in my head:
I need thee, oh, I need thee.
Every hour I need thee.

And I saw a vision of God, sitting on his throne, weeping uncontrollably. Because when I let myself feel unneeded, and overwhelmed with sorrow, God hurts too. Because just like I have adopted three kids and want to provide them with everything they need to succeed, and sometimes they don't think they need me and don't want my help, God has done the same for me and I respond just like they do. And he feels unneeded too when I don't let him help me. And it hurts him when I am hurting and he could fix it if I would let him, but I choose to be overwhelmed instead.

Such a powerful picture of the love of our father. God, let me never forget that you need to be needed and want to be wanted too. Help me to trust you and not carry this all on my own.