Letting go is hard and today I feel a little lost. As you all know, BJ is going to start sharing the responsibilities of teaching our Sunday School class this upcoming week. Once that starts things will never be the same in that class.
It makes me reflect on all the things I have learned teaching that class. We agreed to teach the college and career Sunday School class in response to a very clear prompting by God on my part. I am pretty sure BJ was just along for the ride and that was totally fine with me. At that time we were teaching the 1st and 2nd grade Sunday School and moving to the older students who were barely younger than me was a little bit of a jump (okay, a huge one) for us. I was so scared of what that would mean for me. I was leaving my comfort zone which can be really scary. But over the past 5 years, God has used me in that class in ways I never thought possible. He has stretched me soooo much and I am going to miss it, honestly.
Teaching that class was so good for me. It required me to depend on God in a totally new way. I chose to seek God for his word every week and I know that God spoke clearly to me for those kids.
And I had to learn to teach in a very dry spiritual place. It is quite hard to not feel like a failure when you feel like you are sowing and sowing and seeing or hearing nothing. Especially when your love language is words of affirmation. I had to rely solely on God to know I was doing okay and that I was being obedient to the call he put on my heart.
I had to learn to teach on an adult level. Not games or color pages, but really get into God's word, see what he was trying to say and communicate it to the listener in a way they could understand and receive it. That can be quite intimidating, but I learned how to hear God clearly and how to organize his speaking to me in a way that worked.
It was a time of building my faith and trust in God, learning to fully rely on him. This was also the time frame where we were seeking God for a child of our own. It was in a lot of ways like living in a spiritual dessert, but choosing to hold on to the one source of life we had, God's word, and learn to stand on it again and again and again.
So our students went through that journey with us. A lot of them were facing similar times of testing and I pray God was able to use our struggles with infertility and my determination to stand and stand and stand again to show them they could choose to stand as well and not give up.
Well times have changed, and I have one of the original students left in there. It is a very different audience than it used to be and I pray I have been able to reach them where they are at. I pray that they haven't felt slided as it has been a learning curve for me. Yes, God has still chosen to use me time and again, but it's been different. I know that it's a difficult age to teach and I have committed to giving all I have to them until God moves me to something else. I always envisioned moving on a little differently than it feels like now that we are here. I prayed and prayed that God would use BJ. That he would put him where he needed to be to minister to those who needed him. I never dreamed it would be in the Sunday School class where I felt God so clearly spoke to me to teach. The place where I have become comfortable. But I know this is what God is doing with us now.
So I am feeling a little lost. I know that God is shifting some things around, but the place where I felt I was growing the most, being used the most by God is getting taken from me and given to BJ. I pray it pushes him to new levels in God and he is able to grow as I have over the past years. And I am kinda wondering what's next for me. It is so hard to go from leader to supporter. Yes, I support my husband and always have, but in our relationship I have been the front runner and he has been the backbone. And now that is changing. For now we are alternating weeks for a while until he takes the reigns totally from me.
I've been told I've been carrying too much. Sometimes I agree with that, but most of the time I am good with it. I like being busy, always have. And I am really good at multitasking. So it's during the down time, when the holes are more obvious, that I start to wonder what is next.
The last time I felt like this, I was about 14 and our children's church was being stopped. At that time I led praise and worship for the children's church and really felt like God was using me there. I was so hurt and so confused. I felt like God was ripping the very heart he created out of my chest. Even then, I trusted God and he brought me to a better place, but the transition was rough. I had good friends leave the church and I felt really lost while I waited for what God had in store for me.
So I am here again. Lost. But this time, I remember I have been around this mountain before and I KNOW God is faithful!
Lord, help me to see this through your eyes. Help me to relax and enjoy this little reprieve and take this time to grow closer to you. Open doors that need to be opened. Close doors that need to be closed. And help me along the way to see where you are leading.
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