Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. ~Beth Moore

So this week I've started reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity.  To most people I come across as self assured and secure, and honestly, most the time I feel that way too.  But when I read this line in the book, it hit me square between the eyes.

I hate messing up. I hate failing and strive to control and make perfect everything I can in my life. But it's really all a way I coverup the parts of myself that I can't control and that I don't like. 

I hate my skin. Hate it.  Most of the time I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me, but on occasion the devil rears his ugly head and reminds me that my skin isn't like everyone else. And I get very self conscious.  Most of the time I don't even notice my skin and I think everyone around me just knows me and has forgotten it is the way it is.  And then someone tries to help and offer me a solution.  If there really was an easy solution to fix a genetic issue, don't you think I would have done it by now? It's not because I don't use a certain face wash or do or don't do a certain regiment. It is a genetic trait that was passed down to me and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

So I downplay the whole makeup and hair routine.  Because I'd rather not take the time or effort to attempt to fix something that can't be fixed.  I have never spent a lot of time getting ready.  I actually like my hair, but it's easier to say I didn't try, kept it simple, than to go to all the effort and still have people make comments and offer "helpful" tips. Over the years, I've learned it's okay to not be beautiful on the outside because I can make it up by being smart, or singing well, or being a good teacher, or being faithful. And hope no one notices the things about myself I'd rather ignore.

And here comes the perfectionist who will work so hard at all the parts of my life I can control and can fix so maybe no one will notice where I am insecure.

Sunday's sermon by DeAnn led me back to the place of insecurity and reminded me I have got to deal with this.  

So I hope I can find freedom as I read this book and let God deal with some stuff I have been avoiding for so long.  Because I am tired of being this person. And I don't have to live this way.