Sunday Funday

Warning: Random Post -I love my Sunday School class! Absolutely love them. Love teaching them. We know we are exactly where God wants us for now. But today was hard. Ever since we took this class 3+ years ago God has been stretching me. Before we took the college/career class, we taught K-2nd grade and it was pretty easy. Yes, I came in early every so often to redecorate the room and get games and such together, but basically we did the lesson from the Sunday School literature plus a few fun things I'd learned in my years teaching kids before. At that age its easy to use the literature and make it applicable to them personally and know they are learning something. When we took the college/career class I immediately knew that no literature would fit the group of students we were getting. So I've asked God to speak to them through me. Every week I seek God for what they need to hear. I knew that I was obeying God today when we talked about guarding your heart, but for some reason the words couldn't come out of my mouth right and I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I know that with this group I don't usually see a great response to what I say, but today I felt like a failure. But God is faithful, always! And His word is powerful, always! And he doesn't depend on my abilities or competency to fulfill his plans. Isaiah 55:10-11 "As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that is yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth; it will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." -So God has prompted me to start studying His love in my devotion time in the upcoming weeks. I am trusting Him to show me things I haven't seen before and to speak to me, and He is always faithful. -No post would be complete without an adoption update. We were licensed for adoption this past Monday and have since been receiving information about kids available for adoption. It is kinda difficult to see the pictures and get the info and not fall in love. I told BJ I want to adopt every kid in the state of Texas that doesn't have a home and we need to get a bigger house. Ha! Just so you know, we won't be able to share very much info on here about our kids once we get them and before they are adopted because of the confidentiality agreement. I totally understand the purpose of keeping things quiet and we will just have to be vague for a bit. -5 more work days until work calms down through the holidays. I am definitely looking forward to a little reprieve from all the craziness in my life right now. Maybe I'll get some scrapbooking caught up. One can always hope! :) -Turbo Kickboxing is calling my name. Soon I'll be able to get back in that groove. I miss it. -Maybe BJ should post pics of the New York trip. (He's reading this as I write, so that may actually happen before Christmas.)

Are We There Yet?

As a child, we took many trips around the country for vacation or to visit family members. 12 hours to one set of grandparents and 14 to the other. Doing the trip about twice a year, we got used to it pretty quickly. At some point, I started asking for the map so I could follow where we were in relation to where we were going. I know that didn't make the trip any shorter, but I'm sure it kept me occupied for a few hours every trip and kept me from asking if we were almost to our resting spot for the night. I always knew we were almost to Grandpa and Grandma Daggett's when we turned at that gas station and started on the two lane road over quite a few hills. I always meant to count how many hills we had to pass before we would see their house, but I never could remember how many there were. Either way, once we turned down that road it was time for me to start putting all my toys in my backpack and get ready to unload into my grandparent's house. So on this adoption road, I would say we are almost to that turn at the gas station. We should be licensed in about a week or so at this point. At that time we'll have to lean on God to help us decide which kids we should submit our homestudy for. It's so weird to think about picking kids like you would clothes out of a catalog, but that's what we are preparing ourselves for. We've been told to not fall in love with the first kids you see. Do you realize how hard that is going to be for me? I fall in love with kids I see across the restaurant that I don't even get to hold or talk to and will never see again. I'll always remember this little girl I met in Nicaragua. I haven't actually thought about her in a while. I went there on a mission trip when I was 13. She didn't speak English and I couldn't speak Spanish, but I know she felt safe with me. Her dad, or whoever, was holding her and she was just crying and crying. I went over and reached out my hands to her to see if maybe I could help the situation and she came right to me. She immediately stopped crying and just laid her head on my shoulder. I sang to her a song she had no way to understand, but it brought a smile to her face. And when I would stop, she would look up at me with longing eyes, and I would continue to sing again. I don't know her name or have any idea where she is or what she is doing. I gave her dad my address so he could send me a copy of a picture he took of us, but I never received anything. How do you love a kid you can't communicate with? How do you bond so deeply so quickly? I don't know, but I suppose it has something to do with God's love, so deep and yet so irrational. It doesn't make logical sense to love someone who can offer you nothing, who can't express their feelings to you, and yet I loved her so much. So I anticipate loving our kids will be just like loving that girl. I can't say that I know what they will have been through, but I know that God's love never fails. I won't understand what they are feeling, because I haven't been there. My life has been so simple, so normal, relatively. The classes we have taken have tried to prepare us, but I'm pretty sure its all going to be inadequate. Because love doesn't make sense. You love with your heart, not your head. So I pray for our kids and I pray that God will help us love like he does. I pray that when we see/meet our kids that we'll just know they belong with us. Nope, we aren't there yet, but at least I can look at the map and know where we are in this process. I see how many more hills in the road, and I can see the next chapter of our lives around the corner.

Love Like You'll Never Get Hurt

Here's a quick update on the adoption process. We took our last class today and had the home-study this past Thursday. They told us we should be licensed in 2-3 weeks. This is very exciting and scary at the same time! But we can handle this with God's help, or maybe I should say God can handle it with our help. That's really the way it all works. There is so much new territory coming to us since we will potentially go from zero kids to a house-full. Just so you all know, once we are licensed, the adoption coordinator will send us profiles of kids that meet our requirements and we decide if we want our home-study submitted for those kids. CPS gets home-studies from all the agencies and decides who will be matched with the kids based on that information they have. At that point we just pray that God will match us with our kids and we trust for his perfect will. The home-study went well, I think. There were no questions we didn't kind of anticipate or know were coming. How were we raised, what we would do differently from our parents, what are our strengths, etc. I was able to ask some logistics questions and I feel much better. Mala told us that since we are straight adoption, we will have plenty of time to get the rooms ready once we meet the kids so they can be painted/decorated according to their likes and styles. She also told me we'd have plenty of time to get car seats and that kind of logistical thing. We have two empty rooms, but they are in no way ready for kids at this point. They are basically empty, but we are waiting until we know the genders, ages, etc of kids we are matched with. My dad got a cabinet installed in our laundry room so we could store poisons out of reach and have a place to lock up meds (state requirement). Yippee! Nothing is currently locked, but nothing needs to be at this point and we are ready when that comes. Ok, now to the topic of my post. Many years ago (I don't actually know how long ago) my Pastor/Uncle went on a trip and brought back some small gifts for me and my sister. This time he brought these little marble plaques with sayings on them. Mine said "Love Like You'll Never Get Hurt." I love that saying. When we are hurt, either on purpose or accidentally, we tend to hold those hurts for a long time. We let it change the way we treat the offender and change the way we think about them. We live with more reserve, more caution, afraid that anything we do will cause us to be hurt again. It hinders us from being passionate and giving ourselves fully to many things in our lives. I have always taken this saying to mean forgive and move on past your hurt. I have realized it isn't just about forgiving the person who hurt you, which we need to do, but we have to forgive ourselves for anything we may have done to bring on the hurt. I am not saying it is ever our fault when someone hurts us, but depending on the situation, after we have forgiven the offender, we often look back at the situation and say, "if only I wouldn't have.... then I wouldn't have been so hurt" or "if I would have done....I would have healed faster and moved on." By asking ourselves these questions and re-living the moment time and time again, we haven't forgiven ourselves. There are multiple things going on with me that have initiated me asking myself the question, "Do I love fully? Can I love with every fiber of my being, knowing that I will get hurt again, but not letting those past things hinder my love?" God created us to be people of total abandon, loving without regret and without holding anything back. Am I doing that? My kids, my friends, my family deserve my love. God deserves my all. I refuse to hold myself back, selfishly, in case I may get hurt. I am determined to love completely, to give myself fully to whatever God is calling me. I will put my heart out there, because if I don't, I'm not really living. I'm not really loving as if I'll never get hurt.

Vent

Vent - an opening, as in a wall, serving as an outlet for air, smoke, fumes, or the like. The only purpose of venting is to let the steam out. It is not intended to be an outlet through which one expresses a concern and in return would like to receive advice. I am not asking for your opinion as to what I should do. Really, I just want to vent. With that being said, I am totally okay with anyone leaving a comment to let me know you are sympathizing with me (who doesn't like to get comments?), but please do not see this as a solicitation for advice. I do not want you to fix everything. I just want to vent. Now that I have the basis covered, let me see if I can vent effectively while being vague enough that no one gets offended or thinks I am talking about them. Honestly, the person that I will be venting about probably doesn't read my blog and will more likely than not never read this, so I think I'm pretty safe. Either way, being vague is difficult, but I'm gonna try. So I have some friends from years before that have chosen to end our friendship(s). I am totally okay with that as I understand that people change and circumstances change and we all have different seasons in our lives. Quite honestly I haven't given the whole situation a second thought since we parted ways a while back. I haven't talked to them for a while and have been totally cut out of the daily life updates about their families. I didn't expect to get updates, but what upsets me is when I see them, I get the feeling they expect me to be supportive of whatever they are currently going through. I do know what is going on with them, but it isn't because they've told me. So basically I shouldn't know, but I get info from the internet, which obviously is what I would consider public information. I'm not talking about hacking into anything or getting information without permission. They basically post stuff that the public can see and I just happen to be a part of the public. (By the way, so I don't appear to be a weirdo, there are a lot of people who post things on blogs or facebook or whatever, that I read because people interest me. I'm not stalking anyone or anything, but I just like to know what is going on with people who have been a part of my life at some point.) So I act as if I know nothing, because they didn't tell me, and I don't want to be accused of getting into their business (which has happened before.) At the same time, it is public information, or kinda, and I don't want to be thought of as inconsiderate or unsupportive, so I'm in a lose lose situation. Dealing with people is so difficult sometimes. We are all different and no one is exactly like me, so it takes adjusting to learn what to say and how to act in a way that doesn't offend people. Trust me, my intent is never to offend anyone, but some people are looking for someone to offend them, if you ask me. And if I can meet your need and you can be mad at me, at least I can deal with it and you don't crush someone else who may not be able to handle it as well.

Reunion Recap

So I haven't blogged in forever, and for anyone who's actually noticing, I'm sorry. I'm not bogging myself down by doing a update since the last post. A lot has happened and maybe BJ will post pics from our vacation to New York some day. We went to part I of my 10 year high school reunion tonight. BJ went with me to the game and South won, so that was good. I saw a lot of people I knew that I'm pretty sure don't remember me. I was pretty quiet in high school and rarely if ever did anything with anyone from school after school was over. I talked to people at school about school generally and I wasn't rude or not friendly, but I guess I've learned they were mostly acquaintances and not really friends. The only things most of us had in common was school and when you remove that commonality, we got nothing. Part Ib was at Beto's after the game. BJ went home since he has to work tomorrow and I went alone. I talked to a few people that I was comfortable enough to approach. Mainly people I've talked to recently anyways. I did once again see more people from high school, but no one new I was comfortable talking to. I guess I feel like if I didn't know you well back then, I'm interrupting by coming to say hi. That, and I tend to just sit there and listen, probably wearing out my welcome so to speak and not contributing to the conversation. So, I have come to some conclusions. First, some things never change. There will always be cliques and I will never feel comfortable around them because I'm not like them. Secondly, I don't know what people what to accomplish by a reunion, but tonight was not the place to really reconnect with someone from the past. Unless you want that to include a lot of alcohol and music that is so loud you are screaming at the person next to you just to be heard. Just not my cup of tea I guess. Not that I really expected anything different. I guess people just want to hang out and have surface conversations. I suppose that tomorrow at the formal reunion event will be different, but I'm not attending that for an entirely different reason. I hate getting all dressed up and such. It is such a hassle for nothing. I am even less comfortable in a more formal setting. Thirdly, I think a reunion would be more fun it there was a family type event like a picnic at a park with the kids and spouses. I think kids make starting conversations easier. Maybe there, you would actually get to talk to someone and reconnect. Maybe there, the people who wanted to drink and party would stay home because they'd think it would be boring and you'd actually find out who wants to reconnect. Maybe then, you would see the real people and what life really is like for them and not the perfect picture they want to paint for you with their words. Lastly, blogging and facebook make it very difficult to talk to someone you haven't seen in a while. You feel like you are kinda updated on everyone's lives, but only because you keep up with them via facebook. So, asking them questions feels like you are being redundant or saying you didn't read about their lives or weren't listening when they "told" you what was going on. I guess to me it just makes it awkward to actually have a real conversation. For example, I didn't get to tell people what was going on in my life concerning the adoption, but just got to give people the most recent update that I hadn't posted yet. We should be licensed in 2-3 weeks. I guess you just don't know what people see and what they don't. The internet is effectively replacing real communication, and I'm not sure that's always a good thing. But I survived and enjoyed people watching. It was fun and some day I'll probably wish I had been a little more outgoing and talked to more people.

Last Post in August

Well I am starting this blog with nothing particular in mind. I do know that I only have 3 blogs this month and that simply will not do. Since my last update, we've been busy, but what's new? Got some things done for our adoption: 2 classes this week TB test FBI Fingerprinting I have been so tired lately and I'm not quite sure why. I haven't really been sleeping less that usual. Maybe I'm getting too old to be so busy. We are on vacation this week, so I am looking forward to that. We are going to New York City. Maybe if I wanted rest and relaxation we should have planned to stay home and do nothing, but then again, who actually does nothing when they are home? I guess we are at least getting out of the area for a few days. I am actually looking forward to it, assuming we don't wear ourselves out. Generally when we vacation we sleep in, eat a late breakfast and plan one thing a day. I know there are a ton of things to do in NYC, but if we can see a few things we haven't before and enjoy not working, the vacation will be worth it. After we return, my parents leave for their vacation a few days later. They are going with my grandparents to Oregon/Washington to visit some family. While they are gone, I will be leading praise and worship for one service. I am not really comfortable leading, but I know that God will lead me to what songs to sing and he will use me as I am available. This is a real stretch for me, but God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. We had 9 in Sunday School. God is just so good! He continues to speak to me for my class and knows exactly what they need to hear. So, anyone who is in my class, if you want a seat on a couch it appears that you will have to be on time for Sunday School. In the mean time, I will be looking for another couch to fill the empty wall in my class so that everyone can sit on a couch. I'm glad you all came and am so excited about what God is going to do! For now, I am looking forward to sleeping a few hours on a plane tomorrow.

Two are Better Than One

So, I've been asked many times why we have decided to adopt a group of 2 siblings. My response? Why not? There are so many kids who need a home and many of them are not adopted because they are with their siblings. The state of Texas has a mandate that requires agencies to try to adopt siblings together as opposed to separating them. Can you imagine being taken from your home with your brother/sister and shortly thereafter being separated from the only person you have left because it's inconvenient to keep you together? These kids need to be together almost as much as they need parents to love them. We have room, we have love, so why not open our hearts and our home to a group of siblings? God has provided for us and we are willing to share ourselves with them. Yes, going from no kids to two will be difficult, but quite frankly, just because it is difficult doesn't mean you should quit and take the easy way out. Ok, so on to the practical reasons why we have chosen to adopt 2 siblings. The state is trying very hard to adopt siblings together and are offering incentives to families for adopting siblings. Those include free tuition and fees to any state college for the kids as well as the option to remain on Medicare STAR Health until the age of 18. This means they basically have free health insurance and we do not have to pay for that. No, adopting these kids is not some way for us to make money. That would be absurd. These kids, like any kids, are going to cost us emotionally and financially, but they will be worth it. Lets just say the incentives are great for the kids and they deserve every penny of it. Yes, I discuss this with myself all the time and I have peace with the decision that will totally change our lives forever. In some ways, my pep talks with myself is a part of convincing myself that God won't give me more than I can handle. And God won't open up my heart to a sibling group if that isn't his will for us. I have heard that going from one to two kids is quite a jump and after that point, adding one more isn't that big of a deal. I guess we'll skip that jump all together and go straight to two kids. Oh yeah, on a practical note, I want 3 or 4 kids, so adopting two doesn't mean our family will be complete or that we won't ever have biological kids. I just know that I've always wanted to adopt and I really think that if we would've waited until we had biological children, we may never have researched or went the adoption route. Because it is work. Because it takes an effort. Because as I said in the last post you have to really want these kids. God knows exactly what he is doing, and his timing is always perfect. And by the way, when God wants you to adopt two siblings, two is always better than one.