Tears

If you follow your tears, you will find your heart. And if you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life. ~Ken Gire

This quote is from the book "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" that I am reading with this online book club. I'm really far behind because I started late, but either way, this book is really good and you should read it. Now on to the point of this post. I cry, a lot. (I'm pretty sure I covered that in my last post, but just in case you missed that I thought I should repeat.) BJ will tell you that I cry at almost every TV show known to man. I guess I am just over sensitive right now. Tonight I cried while watching America's Got Talent. So yes, I'm a sap and cry at everything. So where is my heart and what makes me cry? I cry when I am disappointed in myself. I cry when I want something so bad and it just doesn't seem that I'll ever get it. I cry when I feel alone. I cry when I see God do great things for others and am wondering if he's overlooked me. I cry when I'm stressed. I cry when I am hopeless. I cry when I see others get what they've prayed for. I cry when I see kids growing up and learning to serve Jesus. I cry when I see God meet someone where they are. I cry when I see God touch people who are normally so hard and tough on the outside. I cry when I make someone a thoughtful gift and it touches their heart as much in the receiving as mine in the making. So where is my heart? I don't really know right now. But if I can determine where my heart is, and what is close to God's heart then I can know what decisions I need to make. It sounds easy on the surface, but I'm pretty sure that figuring out my heart is gonna take some time. Onto another journey, another task. Figuring out my heart as God made it. By the way I have learned Psalm 139: 1-18 so far. I know it is taking me longer than I planned, but I had a short interruption when my sis came to visit last week. Normally I get upset when I get off of my schedule, but I decided it was worth it to keep working on it one day at a time and not worry about catching up to my original schedule. I hope you are sticking with memorizing this scripture with me. Also, B.J. and I need some guidance with something we are facing right now. We feel like God is leading us but we want to be sure before we make any major decisions. If you think about it, please pray for us.

The Eye of the Storm

What a difference a few days make. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough on me emotionally. Basically I just felt lonely and sad. I can't really tell you why other than to say I'm sure the enemy was behind it all. He uses my emotions to get to me. I'm confident that the devil uses the emotions and feelings of a lot of women to distract and control them. It gets our eyes off of the promises and love our Father has for us and gets us to feel sorry for ourselves. Fighting our opposition starts with recognizing how he attacks us. This week I've been reading this blog. I went back to the beginning and finally caught up. Angie is so inspiring to me. She has been through so much in the past few years and yet, she keeps on going. There are so many of her blogs that I can relate to how she's feeling and God has used her to show me some things and to understand Him and His ways better. It's awesome when Christians can encourage each other with our stories and what God has taught us. Last night I went next door to deliver some items I purchased for Kim's niece. I just hung out for an hour and a half and it was nice. Nothing formal but it was just nice to be a part of her life and the kids who can always bring a smile to my face. So what have we been up to since my last blog? Let's see. The picnic tables we were going to buy, well apparently there aren't any Home Depots that carry them or have any in stock. So annoying! So, we found a guy on Craig's List that makes custom picnic tables to order and he is making us one and delivering it tomorrow. It will be 10 feet long and fit swimmingly on our patio. (Who actually uses the word swimmingly in normal conversation? Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Because the odd words that come to my head in normal conversation, don't always make it out of my lips, but when I am writing, I am less inhibited and the words just roll out. It is my blog after all. Okay back on topic.) Yesterday, I went to Turbo at noon and then took Brooke shopping with her birthday money. That girl always makes me smile. She is so dramatic! Gotta love that girl! We also went to Coldstone Creamery and I got cheesecake ice cream mixed with strawberries, which is one of my favorites. It was so much fun to be with someone who is almost always smiling and giddy happy about life. Last night BJ went to Lake Tawakoni with Tony and they fished a tournament this morning. Apparently the fishing wasn't so great and he didn't get much sleep last night. He has gone to take a nap, which he never does, so you know he must be tired. I wonder if he'll wake up before tomorrow. I guess if he doesn't I won't have to cook dinner. Yeah for me! Today I met a high school friend for lunch. Ashley brought Jameson, her son, and he was just so cute and entertaining. Ashley was sure that James would discourage me from having kids, but actually it made me look forward to the day when we have a few kids running around the house. If you've talked to me lately I've expressed how quiet my house is. Seriously, BJ is really quiet and we have no pets, no kids, so yeah, it is really quiet. That's fine and relaxing sometimes, but quite honestly, a little noise would be a welcome break from the monotony. I know once we have kids, it'll never go back to being quiet, but I'm sure I can handle it. Usually I start these posts with a plan or a point I want to get to, but not today. So you get what you get. I almost forgot to mention that Jill will be here on Wednesday and I'm excited! I think she and my mom are going to meet me for lunch on Wednesday on their way home from the airport. It'll be a fun week with Jill here. (Jill, this paragraph is just for you since you love seeing your name in a blog.) Oh and I've started learning Psalm 139, 2 verses a day for 2 days and then a day to review/catchup. It'll take a total of 18 days. I got this idea from Angie Smith (the blog I referred to above) but I can't find the exact blog since I read 3 and a half years of blogs in like 4 days. Why don't you join me? Learning scripture is very rewarding and worth all the effort.

A Mess

I am not strong. I don't always feel God. I'm not bulletproof or emotionless. I am not that super-Christian that walks through the fire without a hint of hesitation or doubt. More than once I've been told that I look like I have it all together. I don't. I cry often, well at least lately. But most of the time I choose to trust God. It is a mental decision based on fact and not emotions or how I feel. That doesn't mean I'm perfect by any means. I don't view crying or showing the vulnerable side of me as weakness. I have not built up walls to appear like everything it okay when it isn't. I have just learned to fake it until it is true. This means I have to trust God and "call things that are not as thought they were." This means living like God's going to take care of it or already has even when I don't feel like it and the answer is not in sight. To the outsider, it appears that everything is okay and I am tough. If you knew I was having doubts, I'd guess you'd think I am being fake. I just have to convince my emotions and my expressions that I am not worried. If you think I'm being fake, so be it. I am making a conscious decision to not give into feelings of worry or depression or sadness, especially during times of ministry. I guess that is why people at church think I'm not being real. I have a hard time distinguishing between not trusting God and being real or showing emotion. If I break down am I giving into the stress and worry the devil is trying to distract me with? I'm so conflicted. Some people think I am so tough and resilient and I never break. That's not true. I have had many days where I was mad a God and wanted to give up and I have given up. I guess one of the differences between other people and me is that I know that my emotions are unstable and I don't ever make decisions based on what I am feeling. After I cry and yell at God, I always go back to what I know. God will provide. He always does. Sometimes, we mistake God providing to mean we will get what we want. God doesn't work that way. Yes, many times I get what I have been trusting God for, but sometimes I don't and I have to accept that. God's ways are better than mine and his plans are perfect. I have to learn to stop praying for God to fix things the way I expect him to and start praying for him to have his will in whatever I am going through. It hurts to know that I may or may not get what I'm praying for, but I have to trust that God's ways are better than mine. Not equal to or as good as, but better.