Rescue

So the last few weeks have been really hard for me. Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. Pretty much every part of my life felt like it was falling apart. I couldn't see a way out of the way I felt. And the interesting thing is nothing really changed except me and my emotional state. Yes, I was coming out of a busy tax season, and yes we are in the middle of construction at church and other changes, and yes I am a mother of 5 kids, so maybe it was a combination of things that led me to where I was. I don't know. All I can say is I can't point to what threw me over the edge, but I was definitely there.

I would say I felt hopeless and depressed. Done. That's the word I used to describe my state of being to whomever I opened up to. I only share all of that to say that I can see very clearly now that it was totally a spiritual attack. Somewhere in my busy ness (and yeah, I guess I am busier than normal) I gave the devil a foothold. A way in. I still don't know what it was and I'm definitely praying for God to show me so I'm more aware next time and don't leave that door open.

But the more important part to me is how/what rescued me. It was a simple word from a friend. Nothing magical, just a statement about God's plans for me. An encouragement to keep going. So there are a couple of things I want to remember from this, learn for next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time. The devil doesn't give up so easy).

1. When you are in the dark, the mud, the low place the easiest way to stay there is to focus on yourself. To scream for help for a selfish reason. To pout and complain because you are uncomfortable or feel like someone should come pull you out. To blame everyone else and expect everyone else to come to your rescue. When I was there, I literally didn't realize I was being selfish. I felt justified in my frustration and wanted someone to change the situations and rescue me, but no one could do anything that would really make me feel any better. I wanted help but felt helpless and wouldn't really accept help because it wasnt how I wanted it. (yeah, super self focused and selfish!)

2. You never know when your words will be what someone needs to be rescued from the darkness you may or may not know they are living in. I'm always so thankful when someone finds me worth a kind word. Maybe more so than some since my primary love language is words of affirmation. I often sabotage myself because I want to be appreciated and in the same breath am often skeptical of others motives and honestly, I don't like empty flattery. On the giving end, the problem I have is that while I do pretty well sending a text or facebook message, I don't do so well in person. I guess being misunderstood from time to time has pushed me back in my shell on this. I'm trying and I know it's how God wants to use his people, but if anything throws me off my game that day (a parenting issue or disagreement at home) the first thing that gets lost is any extra energy I have to give to others. To invest in others. Cause it does take effort and energy to put myself out there. To interact with others. It's just not natural for me.

3. After I was rescued, and I stopped thinking about myself, the change was almost instant. Not just because I stopped thinking about my feelings and my rights, but because my vision was widened and I starting see things more big picture. Like God does. I went from victim to victorious, from hopeless and depressed, to full of faith and excitement about what God's going to do. It was almost like those dark days never even happened. Oh, yeah, things are still a bit crazy, but just like I said I didn't think any thing in particular caused that trial, I can be victorious while all of that is still going on IN THE BACKGROUND. We are by nature, self centered. We think our lives and our world is the world, but we are just side bars in God's plan. Not that we are unimportant or throw aways, but God plan and his kingdom purposes are not so we will feel better or get all we want or be the center of the universe. When we focus our energies, our time, our God given talents, giftings and callings on his purposes and his plans, everything else is a means, a method, how God accomplishes his purposes and not the other way around. We aren't living our lives and coincidentally seeing God's plans accomplished. Our thinking and our focus so easily gets switched around and that's when we crash.

Anyways, I'm feeling so much better so you may be in for more of my ramblings and musings or not. I really don't know. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I hope my thoughts or sharing what I've learned will help someone, or at least processing it all helps me. :)

Fixed On

It's been a while, a long while. Life's been busy but I havent really felt the urge to write or share. It feel so good to not be driven by or feel required to post or share. God has been speaking but differently, for me and not necessarily for yall all the time.

As is usual to me, God is using a song to speak. I've been learning/playing the song Spirit Move. There are a couple sentiments expressed that I'd like to share.

The verse echos the thought of hunger and expectancy for God to move by his spirit. Right now in my life I feel like I'm in a place of testing, of growing, and as much as it is not fun or enjoyable, I keep feeling that God is about to do something amazing! After all, that's the purpose of a trial, to grow us for the next thing God has in store. Sometimes next is in a few days, or maybe a few years. Either way I can't help but feel that eager expectation of what is coming. Like a child on Christmas morning. And if  the intensity of what is coming is anywhere close to the difficulty of this struggle, I can't wait! (But I have to. Isn't waiting the worst? And yet, we all have to wait, but that's another blog for another day, and actually what we learned about in Sunday School last week).

But to be ready, we have to make sure our focus is right. That's what the chorus talks about:

We are fixed on this one thing.

To know your goodness, to see your glory.

We're transformed by this one thing.

To know your presence, to see your beauty.

It challenges me to check my focus. What am I looking to? Am I stuck with eyes on the minute problem or am I able to see things with a kingdom perspective? To step back and see the big picture. Am I truly fixed, focused on just knowing God and seeing who he is or am I focused on selfish things, like defending myself or my right to be heard or get my two words in. Am I focused more on what people may think of me or being obedient to God's leading?

God's presence is powerful, but in a willing vessel, a ready vessel, a focused vessel we can't even begin to describe the impact for the kingdom. 

God, help me to be fixed on you so your will is accomplished, your way, in your timing through this broken vessel!!