First

Been disconnected from the Facebook world for a few weeks and it's been really nice. It's like the background roar has finally dulled and I can hear clearly again. I've chosen to give up Facebook for lent and really may decide this is a long term thing. Not giving it up completely, but for sure limiting it for me. There is nothing wrong with Facebook or other social media but I've definitely learned a few things while I've stepped away:

Our lives are busy but at least for me the chaos is not from the busyness but from the lack of stillness. Facebook for me was a big time waster. We are in this time where everyone has to be connected to everyone and we don't know how to just be. Every spare second we are on whatever social media checking to see what everyone is up to. Not a bad thing at all, but when you get used to the constant roar, you forget how to be still and listen. Obviously I can only speak for me, but the silence has been amazing. Allowing myself to just be has been very refreshing. Energizing almost.

I've missed somethings, like the initial news about the school shooting a few weeks ago. Had to ask BJ why the flags were at half mast. I had no idea. But I've also missed the drama. I don't need to know what everyone is doing at all times, who their arguing with or their opinion on everything. My mind has been able to be quiet, my soul feels relaxed and not rushed and it has allowed me to hear God more clearly. I have a natural tendency to compare, to critique, to have an opinion about everything. I don't normally share my opinion, but it can frustrate me especially when I feel like people are making poor decisions or are being irresponsible. Missing others opinions has been nice. Not that I want to be ignorant of the world, but let's face it: Facebook has become a venting zone. Not everyone obviously, but I like to fix things, so knowing there's an issue stirs me up, wanting to comment back or be the solution to the problem. And it's just not healthy for me.

I've also started journaling without restrictions. I know you'll think this is silly, but it is quite natural for me to compartmentalize things, especially my thoughts. To edit how I say/write what I think so that is sounds pretty. So my thoughts have been split into multiple places. Some things I've shared on facebook, some I've blogged about, some I've written down for personal consumption. Now that I'm putting all of that in one place, without real format or structure, it has been actually quite freeing.

Okay. Now that I've caught up, onto what I wanted to really share.

I have a new favorite song. It's not a new song, but still what's been going on in my heart for a week of so...

"Spirit of the Living God, Spirit of the Living God. We're leaning in to all you are. Everything else can wait."

And it challenged me. Is my life really showing God that everything else, my worries about life and family and kids, concerns about work and church is second to him? Everything else can wait. That He is really first. I know we say God is first, but is He? Or do I get distracted checking facebook status' responses when I am in the middle of prayer or reading my Bible? Or church? Am I listening intently because my heart of hearts wants to know Him more? Or do I waste time in front of the TV every evening until I fall asleep on the couch but am too tired to get up to pray when he asks me?

"Cause when you speak, when you move, when you do what only you can do it changes us, it change what we see and what we seek."

Do we want to be changed to see things as he does or are we quite happy? Content with how things are?

What are we seeking? Do we look for His approval or are we waiting for the people around us to pat us on the back and tell us "well done." If we get it from them, we won't get it from Him. That's what Scripture says. I want to be pleasing in his sight. I want Him to know He can depend on me and trust me to obey Him when he speaks and not be in a wind-tunnel, filled with noise and not hearing what he's saying.

So for now, the distractions are at least lessened (they never really go away all the way in this life) and I am able to focus on what He wants me to focus on and do what He wants me to do.

Your Kingdom come your will be done.

Confidence

So if you know me, I would doubt that one of the words you would use to describe me is shy. I'm not the most outgoing person, but I always get a "yeah, right" when I tell people I'm an introvert. When I was younger, I was definitely more shy than I am now. I guess when you become a parent (especially the way I did) you don't really have the option of hiding in the corner any more. You have to suddenly deal with doctors and schools and teachers and there was definitely no easing in period for me. Because I'm the mom. I had to register my kids for school. I had to get them all up to date on shots and get them the help needed for whatever issues they were facing. I have had more teacher meetings than I'd care to deal with and have had to stand up for my kids. Because I'm the mom.

So there are certain realms of my life where I am definitely more confident than others. There are certain things that don't scare or intimidate me at all, like training others at work or even doing a little public speaking in that realm. Most of the time talking to clients isn't too bad either, because I've been doing this long enough to know my stuff (generally speaking) and I've learned it's okay to tell a client I need to look something up and they are usually okay with that. I'm not scared to lead worship or sing a special at church, been doing it my whole life. I'm not scared really at all with my church family who has literally known me since preschool. Playing piano doesn't worry or stress me out.

But there is one part of me that has hidden pretty well my whole life, until lately. That would be the outside part. I wouldn't describe my style as bad or outdated, but I've never put priority on physical appearance or being trendy cause being noticed for that was my biggest fear. I've never spent much time on me and really wanted to just disappear. I think when people know me, they don't look at me to judge my physical appearance. To them, I just look like Sandra. However, when I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm always afraid they are judging me. Because my skin isn't perfect (probably my biggest insecurity) or my hair isn't styled well or my makeup is bad. So I've been afraid to make an effort so that I am noticed or recognized physically. It's easier to be unnoticed than noticed for "doing it all wrong." But I've wanted to look at least put together and knew if I could get over the initial hump of making the change, I would be okay.

In December, thanks to Elisha, I took the plunge and started wearing lipstick regularly. I've always worn makeup (and have been asked more times than I can count if I ever wear makeup while wearing it, ugh!!) but hated having to reapply lipstick. I ain't got time for that. :) And since I took the plunge (with the help of Lipsense that I don't have to reapply all day long) my confidence has gone through the roof (thanks to ya'll ladies who keep affirming me when I post pics). I still am not sure I would call myself beautiful, but I can at least say I look nice and put together. More grown up and less low maintenance.

I posted this picture today on facebook and do you know what I saw? I saw wrinkles around my eyes and wrinkles at my smile line. Most people would try and hide that, but I saw that I was really happy. Pretty! Confident! Smiling all the way up to my eyes. I used to kid that I didn't smile because I didn't want wrinkles. But now, if the wrinkles mean I'm happy, bring 'em on!

Now the confidence on the outside can match the confidence on the inside! Thank you God for using a little makeup to make me feel better about myself. Ready to take on the world and whatever God has for me next!

As In Heaven

These days my normal prayer has become "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth, in me, in my family, in my church, as it is in heaven."

I know that means I may not get my way and things may not go how I planned or wished they would, but God is teaching me to be okay with that. Last night I started thinking about what "as it is in heaven" really means.

That means there is no opposition. No dragging of feet or complaining along the way. In heaven, God's will is always accomplished and accomplished quickly because there isn't a struggle. Because he has total control in heaven. So I started praying, God, don't let me oppose your will or stop what you are trying to do. Especially as I tend to do when I don't understand what is going on.

The other thing that seems to keep coming up is "It's not personal, it's Kingdom business." Kind of my new motto. Much easier said than done.

We live in a world where people are so self focused. We do what we want generally, and feel like we have a right to get even or get back if our feelings are hurt. Or even better, we feel if someone disagrees with us, it is a personal attack. There are no 2 people that agree on everything. We all strive to make the best decisions for ourselves and our families with God's help and really feel like others would obviously make the same choice because we are right. And we want everyone to agree with us so we can validate our stance or feel good about our choice. So when there is a disagreement, we feel like we have to confront it or debate it until we reach a consensus (until they agree with me, obviously :)).

But in reality, when we stop making everything personal, and focus on the task at hand, there is more unity. In the big scheme of things, many of our disagreements really don't matter. I'm okay if you disagree with me. I can still keep my opinion and you yours without either of us feeling like we are wrong or need to prove ourselves and our point. It just doesn't matter.

The devil wants us to take everything personally and create division, but in reality we are all individuals created to be different and that is okay. Different doesn't mean right and wrong, it means different. (Obviously I'm not talking about foundational Biblical issues, but most disagreements in the church and in the family are over petty things with no eternal value).

So here's where I'm at: I get frustrated at times with all the change and uncertainty, but I really am trying to be flexible. I really want God to have his way and lead me into whatever he has next. I don't want to be a hindrance to his plan or to the people around me, but just trying to live in love and forgiveness with my eye on the goal.