Vent

Vent - an opening, as in a wall, serving as an outlet for air, smoke, fumes, or the like. The only purpose of venting is to let the steam out. It is not intended to be an outlet through which one expresses a concern and in return would like to receive advice. I am not asking for your opinion as to what I should do. Really, I just want to vent. With that being said, I am totally okay with anyone leaving a comment to let me know you are sympathizing with me (who doesn't like to get comments?), but please do not see this as a solicitation for advice. I do not want you to fix everything. I just want to vent. Now that I have the basis covered, let me see if I can vent effectively while being vague enough that no one gets offended or thinks I am talking about them. Honestly, the person that I will be venting about probably doesn't read my blog and will more likely than not never read this, so I think I'm pretty safe. Either way, being vague is difficult, but I'm gonna try. So I have some friends from years before that have chosen to end our friendship(s). I am totally okay with that as I understand that people change and circumstances change and we all have different seasons in our lives. Quite honestly I haven't given the whole situation a second thought since we parted ways a while back. I haven't talked to them for a while and have been totally cut out of the daily life updates about their families. I didn't expect to get updates, but what upsets me is when I see them, I get the feeling they expect me to be supportive of whatever they are currently going through. I do know what is going on with them, but it isn't because they've told me. So basically I shouldn't know, but I get info from the internet, which obviously is what I would consider public information. I'm not talking about hacking into anything or getting information without permission. They basically post stuff that the public can see and I just happen to be a part of the public. (By the way, so I don't appear to be a weirdo, there are a lot of people who post things on blogs or facebook or whatever, that I read because people interest me. I'm not stalking anyone or anything, but I just like to know what is going on with people who have been a part of my life at some point.) So I act as if I know nothing, because they didn't tell me, and I don't want to be accused of getting into their business (which has happened before.) At the same time, it is public information, or kinda, and I don't want to be thought of as inconsiderate or unsupportive, so I'm in a lose lose situation. Dealing with people is so difficult sometimes. We are all different and no one is exactly like me, so it takes adjusting to learn what to say and how to act in a way that doesn't offend people. Trust me, my intent is never to offend anyone, but some people are looking for someone to offend them, if you ask me. And if I can meet your need and you can be mad at me, at least I can deal with it and you don't crush someone else who may not be able to handle it as well.

Reunion Recap

So I haven't blogged in forever, and for anyone who's actually noticing, I'm sorry. I'm not bogging myself down by doing a update since the last post. A lot has happened and maybe BJ will post pics from our vacation to New York some day. We went to part I of my 10 year high school reunion tonight. BJ went with me to the game and South won, so that was good. I saw a lot of people I knew that I'm pretty sure don't remember me. I was pretty quiet in high school and rarely if ever did anything with anyone from school after school was over. I talked to people at school about school generally and I wasn't rude or not friendly, but I guess I've learned they were mostly acquaintances and not really friends. The only things most of us had in common was school and when you remove that commonality, we got nothing. Part Ib was at Beto's after the game. BJ went home since he has to work tomorrow and I went alone. I talked to a few people that I was comfortable enough to approach. Mainly people I've talked to recently anyways. I did once again see more people from high school, but no one new I was comfortable talking to. I guess I feel like if I didn't know you well back then, I'm interrupting by coming to say hi. That, and I tend to just sit there and listen, probably wearing out my welcome so to speak and not contributing to the conversation. So, I have come to some conclusions. First, some things never change. There will always be cliques and I will never feel comfortable around them because I'm not like them. Secondly, I don't know what people what to accomplish by a reunion, but tonight was not the place to really reconnect with someone from the past. Unless you want that to include a lot of alcohol and music that is so loud you are screaming at the person next to you just to be heard. Just not my cup of tea I guess. Not that I really expected anything different. I guess people just want to hang out and have surface conversations. I suppose that tomorrow at the formal reunion event will be different, but I'm not attending that for an entirely different reason. I hate getting all dressed up and such. It is such a hassle for nothing. I am even less comfortable in a more formal setting. Thirdly, I think a reunion would be more fun it there was a family type event like a picnic at a park with the kids and spouses. I think kids make starting conversations easier. Maybe there, you would actually get to talk to someone and reconnect. Maybe there, the people who wanted to drink and party would stay home because they'd think it would be boring and you'd actually find out who wants to reconnect. Maybe then, you would see the real people and what life really is like for them and not the perfect picture they want to paint for you with their words. Lastly, blogging and facebook make it very difficult to talk to someone you haven't seen in a while. You feel like you are kinda updated on everyone's lives, but only because you keep up with them via facebook. So, asking them questions feels like you are being redundant or saying you didn't read about their lives or weren't listening when they "told" you what was going on. I guess to me it just makes it awkward to actually have a real conversation. For example, I didn't get to tell people what was going on in my life concerning the adoption, but just got to give people the most recent update that I hadn't posted yet. We should be licensed in 2-3 weeks. I guess you just don't know what people see and what they don't. The internet is effectively replacing real communication, and I'm not sure that's always a good thing. But I survived and enjoyed people watching. It was fun and some day I'll probably wish I had been a little more outgoing and talked to more people.

Last Post in August

Well I am starting this blog with nothing particular in mind. I do know that I only have 3 blogs this month and that simply will not do. Since my last update, we've been busy, but what's new? Got some things done for our adoption: 2 classes this week TB test FBI Fingerprinting I have been so tired lately and I'm not quite sure why. I haven't really been sleeping less that usual. Maybe I'm getting too old to be so busy. We are on vacation this week, so I am looking forward to that. We are going to New York City. Maybe if I wanted rest and relaxation we should have planned to stay home and do nothing, but then again, who actually does nothing when they are home? I guess we are at least getting out of the area for a few days. I am actually looking forward to it, assuming we don't wear ourselves out. Generally when we vacation we sleep in, eat a late breakfast and plan one thing a day. I know there are a ton of things to do in NYC, but if we can see a few things we haven't before and enjoy not working, the vacation will be worth it. After we return, my parents leave for their vacation a few days later. They are going with my grandparents to Oregon/Washington to visit some family. While they are gone, I will be leading praise and worship for one service. I am not really comfortable leading, but I know that God will lead me to what songs to sing and he will use me as I am available. This is a real stretch for me, but God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. We had 9 in Sunday School. God is just so good! He continues to speak to me for my class and knows exactly what they need to hear. So, anyone who is in my class, if you want a seat on a couch it appears that you will have to be on time for Sunday School. In the mean time, I will be looking for another couch to fill the empty wall in my class so that everyone can sit on a couch. I'm glad you all came and am so excited about what God is going to do! For now, I am looking forward to sleeping a few hours on a plane tomorrow.

Two are Better Than One

So, I've been asked many times why we have decided to adopt a group of 2 siblings. My response? Why not? There are so many kids who need a home and many of them are not adopted because they are with their siblings. The state of Texas has a mandate that requires agencies to try to adopt siblings together as opposed to separating them. Can you imagine being taken from your home with your brother/sister and shortly thereafter being separated from the only person you have left because it's inconvenient to keep you together? These kids need to be together almost as much as they need parents to love them. We have room, we have love, so why not open our hearts and our home to a group of siblings? God has provided for us and we are willing to share ourselves with them. Yes, going from no kids to two will be difficult, but quite frankly, just because it is difficult doesn't mean you should quit and take the easy way out. Ok, so on to the practical reasons why we have chosen to adopt 2 siblings. The state is trying very hard to adopt siblings together and are offering incentives to families for adopting siblings. Those include free tuition and fees to any state college for the kids as well as the option to remain on Medicare STAR Health until the age of 18. This means they basically have free health insurance and we do not have to pay for that. No, adopting these kids is not some way for us to make money. That would be absurd. These kids, like any kids, are going to cost us emotionally and financially, but they will be worth it. Lets just say the incentives are great for the kids and they deserve every penny of it. Yes, I discuss this with myself all the time and I have peace with the decision that will totally change our lives forever. In some ways, my pep talks with myself is a part of convincing myself that God won't give me more than I can handle. And God won't open up my heart to a sibling group if that isn't his will for us. I have heard that going from one to two kids is quite a jump and after that point, adding one more isn't that big of a deal. I guess we'll skip that jump all together and go straight to two kids. Oh yeah, on a practical note, I want 3 or 4 kids, so adopting two doesn't mean our family will be complete or that we won't ever have biological kids. I just know that I've always wanted to adopt and I really think that if we would've waited until we had biological children, we may never have researched or went the adoption route. Because it is work. Because it takes an effort. Because as I said in the last post you have to really want these kids. God knows exactly what he is doing, and his timing is always perfect. And by the way, when God wants you to adopt two siblings, two is always better than one.

You Really Have to Want These Kids

Today I was talking with a friend about how the adoption process and all of that is going. She asked if we were done with the classes yet. In normal Sandra fashion, I responded with a very detailed list of when we have all the classes scheduled and everything we have left to do. Just so this can be some sort of update post, I'll give you that list:

• 1 class last week
• 2 classes done this week
• 1 more class this week
• 2 classes on the 28th
• 1 class on Sept 11th
• 1 class on Sept 14th
• 2 classes not scheduled yet
• fire inspection
• TB test
• digital FBI fingerprinting
• dentist/doctor forms
• home study

With good reason, after I gave her the list she promptly responded with "I guess they are making sure you really want to get the kids." As if there was any doubt in anyone's minds, yes, I know this is a lot, and yes we really want to do this. God has put this on our hearts and these kids are so worth it.

The Good Ole' Days

This weekend I went to my bff from high school's son's birthday party. It was so much fun watching the boys have a nerf gun fight. Somehow, BJ and I ended up in the direct line of fire many times and yet since we are gluttons for punishment, we didn't move. So, today I've decided to do a tribute to the good times we (Shay and I) had in high school. When I'm having a bad day I can look back at this post and laugh. Some of you may not think these are funny or entertaining, but Shay and I will at least get a kick out of it. I remember when we went to South Padre for a choir trip. As soon as we got there, we proceeded to jump on the beds because we could. Apparently Shay's family always does this when they stay at a hotel. To eat, we bought sandwich stuff and for snacks, double stuffed oreos and twizzlers pull & peel. Shay slept with and a shirt that which smelled like the current boyfriend and reread some letter he wrote her numerous times in our 3 days. I think she also tried to convince me to talk to Micah, but I was too shy. I remember when we painted SGP on our old jeans for the Beat North game. By the time the jeans dried, they were so stiff we could hardly get them on. We wore them anyways, because we were cool like that. I remember our matching jeans that faded from jean color to white at the bottom. They were from Target and we loved them. I remember when we went to football games and hung out with/danced with the tubas at the top of the stands. Patrick was always entertaining. I remember our "best friend mums" for homecoming my junior and your senior year. I think mine is still at my moms. I remember when I had physics and you had chemistry at the same time in connecting classes and we would stand in the doorway and talk until our teachers made us sit down. I remember Agape Club meetings in the freshman gym on Wednesday afternoons. I remember renting Austin Powers and watching it to realize that is really is one of the stupidest movies of all times. I remember when you bought us matching shirts (one green and one blue) and overalls so we could wear them to school together. I remember hanging out at Marshall Drive Baptist and watching the guys play basketball. I remember coming to your wedding and hunting you down just to see how you were doing before the ceremony. I remember driving to Fort Hood to visit you and the boys. Those were some fun trips! Shay, I am so glad that we met in high school and have had so much fun over the years. I am glad you are back in the area and we can make many more memories for years to come!

All I Need to Be

Tell me again that I am strong. Tell me again that I won't fall. I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong. Take me beyond what I can see. Break me, make me believe you have made me all I need to be.

I don't know about you, but somedays I just need God to remind me that in spite of all of my shortcomings and all the things I don't like about myself, He has made me all I need to be. There is comfort in knowing God doesn't see me as flawed or as a project for him to fix. Yes, the more time you spend with God the more you become like him, but he has made me like this for a reason to fulfill his perfect plan for me so he gets glory from my life. I love this song by Fireflight for days when I just need reassurance.