A Mess

I am not strong. I don't always feel God. I'm not bulletproof or emotionless. I am not that super-Christian that walks through the fire without a hint of hesitation or doubt. More than once I've been told that I look like I have it all together. I don't. I cry often, well at least lately. But most of the time I choose to trust God. It is a mental decision based on fact and not emotions or how I feel. That doesn't mean I'm perfect by any means. I don't view crying or showing the vulnerable side of me as weakness. I have not built up walls to appear like everything it okay when it isn't. I have just learned to fake it until it is true. This means I have to trust God and "call things that are not as thought they were." This means living like God's going to take care of it or already has even when I don't feel like it and the answer is not in sight. To the outsider, it appears that everything is okay and I am tough. If you knew I was having doubts, I'd guess you'd think I am being fake. I just have to convince my emotions and my expressions that I am not worried. If you think I'm being fake, so be it. I am making a conscious decision to not give into feelings of worry or depression or sadness, especially during times of ministry. I guess that is why people at church think I'm not being real. I have a hard time distinguishing between not trusting God and being real or showing emotion. If I break down am I giving into the stress and worry the devil is trying to distract me with? I'm so conflicted. Some people think I am so tough and resilient and I never break. That's not true. I have had many days where I was mad a God and wanted to give up and I have given up. I guess one of the differences between other people and me is that I know that my emotions are unstable and I don't ever make decisions based on what I am feeling. After I cry and yell at God, I always go back to what I know. God will provide. He always does. Sometimes, we mistake God providing to mean we will get what we want. God doesn't work that way. Yes, many times I get what I have been trusting God for, but sometimes I don't and I have to accept that. God's ways are better than mine and his plans are perfect. I have to learn to stop praying for God to fix things the way I expect him to and start praying for him to have his will in whatever I am going through. It hurts to know that I may or may not get what I'm praying for, but I have to trust that God's ways are better than mine. Not equal to or as good as, but better.