Shut Up

Yesterday was rough. I was just down on myself and generally feeling like a failure. Most areas of my life I am confident. I'm able to ignore when the devil tries to distract me and keep on trucking. I am able to decipher his lies from the truth. Maybe this is because I feel like I've been successful in most areas of my life. Like I've seen some evidence that with God's help I am doing the right thing.

But being a mom is a totally different story. I guess it's where I feel weakest, where I've seen less evidence that I am doing the right thing for my kids. It's the relationship(s) that I struggle with the most. I'm not overly social, kinda like being alone, so having to step out and get in someone's world, when it appears I am not wanted, makes me intimidated. Makes me hesitate. (On the other hand, I don't have that problem at all with my little kids. But I've always been their mom. They don't know any different. Don't know they could reject me. The big kids have a choice of which I am well aware. Somehow, that makes my relationship with the littles safe, and with the bigs, scary.)

It is easier to just ignore them and their lives sometimes than to put myself out there and risk being rejected by them. So that's what I do often. I don't ignore in the sense of not answering them or helping them when they take the first step, but I certainly don't take the step to connect with them. I focus my attention on a part of my life where I feel better about me. I dive into doing anything that will feel like a success and ignore the part where I feel like a failure.

This time of year is hard. Every parent I know is posting pictures of all the great awards their kids get, of how perfect they are and I just want it all to be over. I try hard not to compare, not to even look, but all of that just makes me sad. Makes me feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have perfect kids. I try to dwell on what is good about my kids, but with society constantly rating parents based on the academic and social successes of their kids, it's hard. There is nothing stopping my kids from being in those ranks, but for now, they aren't.


I feel guilty for not reaching out to my kids like they need me to. Rejected if I try, guilty if I don't. It appears to be a losing situation for me no matter which option I choose. So, yesterday I was saying all sorts of horrible things about myself (which I know in my heart of hearts is not true, but that's where I was emotionally, mentally.)

And BJ told me to shut up.

It caught me off guard. We don't use those words in my house generally, since they are rude and we always have listening and echoing ears and mouths. But it was just what I needed. A stiff kick in the pants.

Why do I do this to myself? I don't know, but I'm sure the devil loves it. We need to learn to tell ourselves to shut up more often.

So once again, I'm dusting myself off, getting back up, and striving for a better day. A day where one step at a time I learn to show love better, to accept and encourage rather than ignore. To depend on God's strength when I am at my weakest.

II Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Just Look Away

Comparison is the thief of joy.

And yet we live in a world where we are encouraged, taught to see what everyone around us is doing, to strive to be like the next person who we see as superior to us, to learn from them and try to be like them.

We are created to connect, to need to feel a part of our friends lives. And social media, be it Facebook or whatever, gives us access to what our neighbor is doing, or at least what they want us to see. 

People don't generally share their weaknesses, their struggles on social media. Because no one wants others to know the hard parts of our lives, to betray the confidence of their children or to portray them as less than perfect. I don't think we are trying to be dishonest, but social media is not a full picture of real life. Even on my blog I am very careful with what information and struggles are shared. I am free to share my struggles, but it is also my job to protect my kids from shame or feeling like I'm telling the world their flaws. 

I can't speak for anyone else, but there are certain people whose lives I can't watch on facebook because when I see I immediately compare. And I feel insufficient. I focus on  what is going wrong and not the blessings I have received. The grass is always greener... There are people I love and long to be connected to, but in order to protect my emotions, to keep my joy and not open myself up to feeling jealous or envious or angry, I have to look away.

Sometimes it feels lonely to not know what is going on with others, but we have to remember, a Facebook connection isn't a real connection. It's only based on the good people want you to see. It's better to have no connection than one based on half truths that leads us to compare, losing our joy, and feeling dissatisfied.

Sometimes, you have to choose to just look away and not let yourself go there.

Plan

It's been kind of an off week, or two. I guess since I blogged last.

I have all these things in my heart that I want to see, where I feel God is leading me, us, but I don't really know how to get there. I pray about it a lot. I seek Godly counsel. And it always comes back to me. I have to go for it. I have to obey. But I also have to be respectful of others and be careful not to hurt anyone in the process. Oh, yes, people may get hurt, but I don't want it be because I was careless and ignored their concerns.

If there were no obstacles, this would be so much easier. If I knew how people would respond, I would lead differently. But instead I hesitate. I overthink. I get scared.

Really, I think we all want to see the same things, but communicating my vision in a way that makes sense, that people can support is difficult. I told someone this week to get people to be on board with change, the vision has to be clear and communicated clearly.

I'm not a natural born leader (although some would argue with that). I'm a great supporter and follower, but being the catalyst of change, the mover and shaker, is not my style. I like things to change gradually, so it almost appears it was on accident. People are less affected if it's a little at a time rather than all at once, right? It gives them time to adjust as they go. I don't like to rock the boat and I definitely don't like confrontation.

But I really feel like I need to push things along faster rather than allow change to happen accidentally. So, with God's help I'm making a plan. Listing the things that I feel need to be addressed. Praying about who to talk to and I will take the next step.

Goodness, this isn't easy, but I believe it'll be worth it. God, help me!!

Open Mouth

Let it rain, Let it rain.
Open the floodgates of heaven.

We are learning this song for church, so I'm playing it/singing it a lot at home. Julia, my little song bird, loves to "help you" with everything so of course, she sings along. But her version is a little different.

Rain, Rain, Open mouth.

We've corrected her and she just giggles at us and sings it her right way.

The truth of the matter is we can pray for God to send his spirit, to rain, but if we refuse to open our mouths, even if he does open the floodgates of heaven, we miss the whole purpose. God doesn't send the rain of his spirit so we can get wet, but so our thirst can be quenched. His rain isn't supposed to just go on us, but in us. His presence should fill us and change us to be more like him. But the change happens from the inside out, not the outside in. Oh, getting wet on the outside definitely changes the outside. Our makeup runs off and our hair is matted down, flat where it had body or curly where it was straight, but those changes don't last. But getting rained on the inside changes everything.

Maybe Julia is onto something. We just need to learn to open our mouths when God sends his rain.

Restore

Today at church something was said that has stuck with me. God wants to restore us as individuals and as a church but we have to be willing to get rid of the old stuff so God can do his new thing in us.

What caught me was the term restore. Restore means to bring back, reinstate, to repair/renovate, to return to an original condition. It does not mean to demolish and start over. There is a difference.

I think when we think of new chapters and God bringing something fresh, we assume it's time for demolition. That everything we know and love will be leveled and it's time to start over. And that is scary!

But that's not what restoration is about. When God wants to restore, we can rest in the fact that he sees and knows there are good bones to our house. That there is something strong to build upon. Yes, the walls may need to be tore out or the bathroom gutted, but the foundation stays the same. The essence of the house remains.

The struggle in the restoration is the number of layers of wallpaper that have to be pealed back. It's all the times we tried to cover up what we didn't like with another layer of what felt good or our preferences. All the while we were hiding the beauty of God's plan, the truth of His Word with what we thought was good for us. Restoration is about getting back to God's intentions. The bare bones in it's purest form, not manipulated by human opinion or experience.

The second struggle within restoration is our expectations/experiences. Since restoration is going back, we assume we know what God wants because we've been there before. We assume we can easily identify what needs to be removed to go back, and we depend on our efforts rather than listen for instruction from the restorer. But we have to remember it is our best intentions that brought us to a place where restoration was needed. We can never depend on ourselves and our experiences, but must intentionally go back to God's word, our ultimate authority.

God, I'm ready for restoration. Lead me, show me where I left your ways for my own, love me back to your best and help me become all you originally intended, without all the baggage that has tainted me.

I Was Wrong

In a world where we are all trying to make a name for ourselves, to find success, and from a Christian perspective, trying to ultimately please God and be close to him, we do according to what we think is best, and if we are diligent in our pursuit, we hope we never have to admit we are wrong.

It hurts our pride, affects how people see us, and changes us. We have to be thoroughly convinced to change our thinking, especially when it comes to spiritual things. Things that we have become comfortable with over time, things that have served us well and no one has ever questioned.

The ultimate authority on right and wrong is not our experiences, but God's word. Experiences, even spiritual or God-driven ones, can be tainted by feelings and emotions and can skew what we view as right or wrong. Because we are fallen people, saved by the grace of God alone, and yes, sometimes we are led by our emotions and don't even realize it. Sometimes our focus gets shifted from God to ourselves, if even by 1%, and we miss the mark.

When we are faced with a change that rubs us the wrong way, it is normal to defend what we are used to as truth rather than take that opportunity to go back to our standard, God's word. Because we think we know the truth, not realizing we've overlooked passages to justify our experiences.

That is exactly what I had done and I was wrong. I wanted so badly to defend what we've always done, but I had to go seek out God's word for myself. When I let God open my eyes, rather than explaining away the inconsistencies between my experiences and God's word, it was as clear as day. I felt stupid for letting my emotions (under the guise of being led by the Spirit) dictate truth for me. I am not discounting being led by the Spirit at all, but God's word will never change so we have to let that be our authority and realize there must be balance between the Holy Spirit's leading and God's word. If our actions or habits don't line up, we need to seek God and make changes on our part until there is unity between the two.

In Pentacostal circles especially, we let the Holy Spirit trump God's word. Or maybe we use that as an excuse to not seek God's word to find what he is saying. There has to be balance and if there are inconsistencies, it isn't because the Word is wrong. It's because we have been led by our emotions and called it the Holy Spirit. Whenever there is a human element, there is opportunity to error on our part. I don't think it is intentional, I just think we've never looked at it that way before.

I want to live according to God's word as best as I can and not be a stumbling block for others, so if I have to be wrong and change my thinking, so be it. I'm so grateful for a loving forgiving Father God who continues to draw us to himself, showing us where we fall short so we can change and be closer to him. Not rebuking us, but helping us through it, loving us even when we are wrong.

My 2 Cents on Grace

Today, Pastor Sid preached an excellent sermon on grace. Thought I'd share a couple of thoughts I've been processing about grace. My understanding of grace has grown over the years.

I remember the night I realized my need for a savior during our nightly Bible Time routine with my mom. I was suddenly aware how sinful I was and how much I could never be good enough for God. Never work up to his acceptance or standard. I knew I needed Jesus in order to receive the gift of salvation and I prayed that night to accept his gift. I was the recipient of grace. Of receiving a gift I could never earn or pay back and I was grateful. I was six years old.

Since that time, I've grown in God. I've also wavered between feeling not worthy and being assured that I was chosen and loved by God, mostly the latter. I have been trained to stand on God's word and to be confident in who I am in Christ. In that confidence I have learned to hear and obey God (most of the time). I'm far from perfect but I am very intentional about doing all I can for the kingdom. I'm a typical overachiever, not to earn approval, but because it is who I am. Many times I have had to come back to God and apologize when my plans and doing hindered his. When even for a moment my motives were misplaced, trying to prove to God that his gift of grace to me was not in vain. That I was worth his sacrifice.

I struggle with balancing pride and confidence. I never intend to do things so I'll look better or to make others see me, but I can't help but do everything to my best. Many times that gets the attention of others, even if it wasn't my purpose, so I reevaluate my motives often. I ask God to show me if I'm trying to control or be arrogant because that is not what my heart is seeking, even if outsiders see it that way. In contrast, I don't want to go back to that girl that was so intimidated, so scared to move or afraid to obey when God speaks. Who was so dependent on the acceptance of others, who would crumble at the slightest suggestion or critique. That isn't who God purposed me to be any more than a haughty know it all who thinks she's better than everyone. So I strive daily to find that confidence in Christ alone and boldly obey, even if I'm misunderstood.

Right now, where I struggle with grace is not in relation to myself but others. I know we are all sinners, I know that we all need Jesus and none of us could ever do anything for God to love us any more or less. But it bothers me when God extends his grace and the recipient doesn't do anything to show their gratefulness. I'm a doer, and people who aren't tend to frustrate me. How can you receive such a great gift as the grace of God and not be motivated to draw closer to him? I expect people to be me, knowing fully well they aren't.  I expect people to want to change and get out of their old ways, but God is the only one who can make that change. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I judge whether people are worthy of God's grace or not. I build connection or not based on whether they live up to my standards. As if my opinion or judgment is more significant than God's. And I have turned them away when they have come searching for hope and love instead of offering what they need and I have.  I have made it my duty to defend and protect the reputation of God by disallowing the unworthy to come to him, all the while smearing his name in the mud. Making him appear unloving and critical when he is the antithesis of those things. No wonder the lost don't come to the church where their solution is waiting. The church with it's haughty eyes label and discard them after first glance.

We have lost the essence of the grace that we have so freely received. Where is the love of God he has shown in our hearts? Where is the compassion (not empathy) for the lost? His love should compel us to get out of our bubbles and share his grace to those who aren't like us. To help them feel loved and wanted just as they are, in the middle of their sin, just like we were before he called to us. Are we so far removed from our salvation experience that we actually believe that pointing out their sin and condemning them for it is our duty? That we are pleasing God by pushing them away to fix themselves?

What about our fellow Christians? Do we think we are no longer required to show love and grace to those who "should know better?" No wonder the church is divided. We are as ungracious and unforgiving to each other as the unchurched. Goodness, we need to learn to love more, forgive quickly (even without an apology) and stop letting the petty things distract us. We need to grow up and put aside our feelings for the sake of His Kingdom! There are lives at stake and depending on us to be united!

Our lives should be evidence of the grace we have received from God! It should pour out from us in every day interaction. Then, we will be different. Then, we will be salt and light. Then the world will see Jesus more clearly and he will draw men to himself. Then we will see the kingdom advancing!

Reconciliation

I am an accountant, CPA to be exact. So when I was reading a few verses about reconciliation last night, I had to step back and look at it again. Yes, my frame of reference is numbers, so if you don't do numbers, you may need to hold your seat for a bit. I hope it'll be worth it. :)

Reconcile - to restore harmony and relations, to make compatible, to make one account consistent with reality

In Scripture, this is discussed in Colossians 1:19-22 and then again in I Corinthians 5:18-19. The idea is that we are separated from God by our sins and that through the death of Jesus, God has brought us back to himself. Amazing, but let's not stop there.

For bank accounts, we start with how much money the bank says we have and we make adjustments for checks and deposits that haven't cleared the bank to get to how much money we really have. We adjust what the bank says to get to reality. This is reconciliation. It doesn't change what the bank says, but just our understanding of what is the true balance. If we spend money based on what the bank says and not our reconciliation of reality, we will bounce checks. We will be spending what we don't have. Because what the bank says is not reality. The bank doesn't know all the facts.

So, we all have an idea of who we are. We know our strengths and weaknesses and most of us focus more on the latter. We are always comparing, always working, always trying to be better than the next guy so that we feel better about ourselves. That is our bank balance. Who we are as defined by our characteristics and flaws, our assets and liabilities. Who you are on paper - a resume of your education, experiences, strengths. Your references - people's opinion of you, your experiences, your reputation. All of that makes up who you are by human standards. But we don't know all the facts.

But God does! His opinion is reality! How God sees us is who we really are. God is outside of time and space. Our thinking is limited because we are in this world, so our perception of ourselves and reality is skewed. The reconciliation process is not just about God bringing us closer to himself in relationship, but adjusting our perception to reality. It's changing us so we love ourselves and each other according to what is real and not what we see. So we act like who we really are and not who we have believed we are. Reconciliation is us being closer to God in relationship and in thinking. Like minded, in harmony, on the same team.

The fact that God loves us enough to not leave us in our sin but to pull us out of it and to himself, making us more like him is amazing! He wants us to be close to him so he has eliminated the obstacles and given us opportunity to be reconciled to him, but the choice is ours.