Shut Up

Yesterday was rough. I was just down on myself and generally feeling like a failure. Most areas of my life I am confident. I'm able to ignore when the devil tries to distract me and keep on trucking. I am able to decipher his lies from the truth. Maybe this is because I feel like I've been successful in most areas of my life. Like I've seen some evidence that with God's help I am doing the right thing.

But being a mom is a totally different story. I guess it's where I feel weakest, where I've seen less evidence that I am doing the right thing for my kids. It's the relationship(s) that I struggle with the most. I'm not overly social, kinda like being alone, so having to step out and get in someone's world, when it appears I am not wanted, makes me intimidated. Makes me hesitate. (On the other hand, I don't have that problem at all with my little kids. But I've always been their mom. They don't know any different. Don't know they could reject me. The big kids have a choice of which I am well aware. Somehow, that makes my relationship with the littles safe, and with the bigs, scary.)

It is easier to just ignore them and their lives sometimes than to put myself out there and risk being rejected by them. So that's what I do often. I don't ignore in the sense of not answering them or helping them when they take the first step, but I certainly don't take the step to connect with them. I focus my attention on a part of my life where I feel better about me. I dive into doing anything that will feel like a success and ignore the part where I feel like a failure.

This time of year is hard. Every parent I know is posting pictures of all the great awards their kids get, of how perfect they are and I just want it all to be over. I try hard not to compare, not to even look, but all of that just makes me sad. Makes me feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have perfect kids. I try to dwell on what is good about my kids, but with society constantly rating parents based on the academic and social successes of their kids, it's hard. There is nothing stopping my kids from being in those ranks, but for now, they aren't.


I feel guilty for not reaching out to my kids like they need me to. Rejected if I try, guilty if I don't. It appears to be a losing situation for me no matter which option I choose. So, yesterday I was saying all sorts of horrible things about myself (which I know in my heart of hearts is not true, but that's where I was emotionally, mentally.)

And BJ told me to shut up.

It caught me off guard. We don't use those words in my house generally, since they are rude and we always have listening and echoing ears and mouths. But it was just what I needed. A stiff kick in the pants.

Why do I do this to myself? I don't know, but I'm sure the devil loves it. We need to learn to tell ourselves to shut up more often.

So once again, I'm dusting myself off, getting back up, and striving for a better day. A day where one step at a time I learn to show love better, to accept and encourage rather than ignore. To depend on God's strength when I am at my weakest.

II Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.