First

Been disconnected from the Facebook world for a few weeks and it's been really nice. It's like the background roar has finally dulled and I can hear clearly again. I've chosen to give up Facebook for lent and really may decide this is a long term thing. Not giving it up completely, but for sure limiting it for me. There is nothing wrong with Facebook or other social media but I've definitely learned a few things while I've stepped away:

Our lives are busy but at least for me the chaos is not from the busyness but from the lack of stillness. Facebook for me was a big time waster. We are in this time where everyone has to be connected to everyone and we don't know how to just be. Every spare second we are on whatever social media checking to see what everyone is up to. Not a bad thing at all, but when you get used to the constant roar, you forget how to be still and listen. Obviously I can only speak for me, but the silence has been amazing. Allowing myself to just be has been very refreshing. Energizing almost.

I've missed somethings, like the initial news about the school shooting a few weeks ago. Had to ask BJ why the flags were at half mast. I had no idea. But I've also missed the drama. I don't need to know what everyone is doing at all times, who their arguing with or their opinion on everything. My mind has been able to be quiet, my soul feels relaxed and not rushed and it has allowed me to hear God more clearly. I have a natural tendency to compare, to critique, to have an opinion about everything. I don't normally share my opinion, but it can frustrate me especially when I feel like people are making poor decisions or are being irresponsible. Missing others opinions has been nice. Not that I want to be ignorant of the world, but let's face it: Facebook has become a venting zone. Not everyone obviously, but I like to fix things, so knowing there's an issue stirs me up, wanting to comment back or be the solution to the problem. And it's just not healthy for me.

I've also started journaling without restrictions. I know you'll think this is silly, but it is quite natural for me to compartmentalize things, especially my thoughts. To edit how I say/write what I think so that is sounds pretty. So my thoughts have been split into multiple places. Some things I've shared on facebook, some I've blogged about, some I've written down for personal consumption. Now that I'm putting all of that in one place, without real format or structure, it has been actually quite freeing.

Okay. Now that I've caught up, onto what I wanted to really share.

I have a new favorite song. It's not a new song, but still what's been going on in my heart for a week of so...

"Spirit of the Living God, Spirit of the Living God. We're leaning in to all you are. Everything else can wait."

And it challenged me. Is my life really showing God that everything else, my worries about life and family and kids, concerns about work and church is second to him? Everything else can wait. That He is really first. I know we say God is first, but is He? Or do I get distracted checking facebook status' responses when I am in the middle of prayer or reading my Bible? Or church? Am I listening intently because my heart of hearts wants to know Him more? Or do I waste time in front of the TV every evening until I fall asleep on the couch but am too tired to get up to pray when he asks me?

"Cause when you speak, when you move, when you do what only you can do it changes us, it change what we see and what we seek."

Do we want to be changed to see things as he does or are we quite happy? Content with how things are?

What are we seeking? Do we look for His approval or are we waiting for the people around us to pat us on the back and tell us "well done." If we get it from them, we won't get it from Him. That's what Scripture says. I want to be pleasing in his sight. I want Him to know He can depend on me and trust me to obey Him when he speaks and not be in a wind-tunnel, filled with noise and not hearing what he's saying.

So for now, the distractions are at least lessened (they never really go away all the way in this life) and I am able to focus on what He wants me to focus on and do what He wants me to do.

Your Kingdom come your will be done.

Confidence

So if you know me, I would doubt that one of the words you would use to describe me is shy. I'm not the most outgoing person, but I always get a "yeah, right" when I tell people I'm an introvert. When I was younger, I was definitely more shy than I am now. I guess when you become a parent (especially the way I did) you don't really have the option of hiding in the corner any more. You have to suddenly deal with doctors and schools and teachers and there was definitely no easing in period for me. Because I'm the mom. I had to register my kids for school. I had to get them all up to date on shots and get them the help needed for whatever issues they were facing. I have had more teacher meetings than I'd care to deal with and have had to stand up for my kids. Because I'm the mom.

So there are certain realms of my life where I am definitely more confident than others. There are certain things that don't scare or intimidate me at all, like training others at work or even doing a little public speaking in that realm. Most of the time talking to clients isn't too bad either, because I've been doing this long enough to know my stuff (generally speaking) and I've learned it's okay to tell a client I need to look something up and they are usually okay with that. I'm not scared to lead worship or sing a special at church, been doing it my whole life. I'm not scared really at all with my church family who has literally known me since preschool. Playing piano doesn't worry or stress me out.

But there is one part of me that has hidden pretty well my whole life, until lately. That would be the outside part. I wouldn't describe my style as bad or outdated, but I've never put priority on physical appearance or being trendy cause being noticed for that was my biggest fear. I've never spent much time on me and really wanted to just disappear. I think when people know me, they don't look at me to judge my physical appearance. To them, I just look like Sandra. However, when I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm always afraid they are judging me. Because my skin isn't perfect (probably my biggest insecurity) or my hair isn't styled well or my makeup is bad. So I've been afraid to make an effort so that I am noticed or recognized physically. It's easier to be unnoticed than noticed for "doing it all wrong." But I've wanted to look at least put together and knew if I could get over the initial hump of making the change, I would be okay.

In December, thanks to Elisha, I took the plunge and started wearing lipstick regularly. I've always worn makeup (and have been asked more times than I can count if I ever wear makeup while wearing it, ugh!!) but hated having to reapply lipstick. I ain't got time for that. :) And since I took the plunge (with the help of Lipsense that I don't have to reapply all day long) my confidence has gone through the roof (thanks to ya'll ladies who keep affirming me when I post pics). I still am not sure I would call myself beautiful, but I can at least say I look nice and put together. More grown up and less low maintenance.

I posted this picture today on facebook and do you know what I saw? I saw wrinkles around my eyes and wrinkles at my smile line. Most people would try and hide that, but I saw that I was really happy. Pretty! Confident! Smiling all the way up to my eyes. I used to kid that I didn't smile because I didn't want wrinkles. But now, if the wrinkles mean I'm happy, bring 'em on!

Now the confidence on the outside can match the confidence on the inside! Thank you God for using a little makeup to make me feel better about myself. Ready to take on the world and whatever God has for me next!

As In Heaven

These days my normal prayer has become "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth, in me, in my family, in my church, as it is in heaven."

I know that means I may not get my way and things may not go how I planned or wished they would, but God is teaching me to be okay with that. Last night I started thinking about what "as it is in heaven" really means.

That means there is no opposition. No dragging of feet or complaining along the way. In heaven, God's will is always accomplished and accomplished quickly because there isn't a struggle. Because he has total control in heaven. So I started praying, God, don't let me oppose your will or stop what you are trying to do. Especially as I tend to do when I don't understand what is going on.

The other thing that seems to keep coming up is "It's not personal, it's Kingdom business." Kind of my new motto. Much easier said than done.

We live in a world where people are so self focused. We do what we want generally, and feel like we have a right to get even or get back if our feelings are hurt. Or even better, we feel if someone disagrees with us, it is a personal attack. There are no 2 people that agree on everything. We all strive to make the best decisions for ourselves and our families with God's help and really feel like others would obviously make the same choice because we are right. And we want everyone to agree with us so we can validate our stance or feel good about our choice. So when there is a disagreement, we feel like we have to confront it or debate it until we reach a consensus (until they agree with me, obviously :)).

But in reality, when we stop making everything personal, and focus on the task at hand, there is more unity. In the big scheme of things, many of our disagreements really don't matter. I'm okay if you disagree with me. I can still keep my opinion and you yours without either of us feeling like we are wrong or need to prove ourselves and our point. It just doesn't matter.

The devil wants us to take everything personally and create division, but in reality we are all individuals created to be different and that is okay. Different doesn't mean right and wrong, it means different. (Obviously I'm not talking about foundational Biblical issues, but most disagreements in the church and in the family are over petty things with no eternal value).

So here's where I'm at: I get frustrated at times with all the change and uncertainty, but I really am trying to be flexible. I really want God to have his way and lead me into whatever he has next. I don't want to be a hindrance to his plan or to the people around me, but just trying to live in love and forgiveness with my eye on the goal.

Time to Get Uncomfortable

There are three types of people when it comes to change.

Those who love it, thrive on it and are always seeking out what they can change and how to keep things moving forward.

Those who hate change and dig their feet in resistance to any thing different.

And me. Those who don't love change or hate it. Who can see it's value but approach it cautiously, making sure change is controlled and not chaotic. Those who once they catch the vision, are great supporters and good managers of change.

But no matter which category you fall into, there is some part of change that is uncomfortable. Like when the stage at church is split in half by a temporary wall during construction. Or the wifi won't work because of where the office and hub are located.

And if those things bother you, hold on because we are about the be kicked out of the sanctuary for a month.

But when you consider the short term cost for the long term benefit, IT WILL BE WORTH IT!! Trust God, it will be worth it!! Hold on and keep your eye on the goal! What is a soul worth to you?

Tonight was our first small groups. We hosted a group and it was great! The unknown may make you a little uncomfortable. Doing something different may make you nervous, but that phase will pass. So next time something bothers you a bit, hold your tongue, take a breath and smile.

Discomfort won't kill you. But your attitude could make or brake your ability to enjoy the moment and ride the wave of change!

New Season

Today was just an awesome day for our church family. Tonight in our evening service we were given a chance to write scriptures and prayers on the unfinished walls of our renovation project and pray for this new season God is bringing us to. And God's presence was just so sweet and so real with us.

The verse that I chose to write was Habakkuk 2:2-3. Many years ago a sweet lady gave it to me to stand on when we were waiting for God to fulfill his promises and grow our family. The verse is instruction to write down the message, the vision, the promise God has given you so that it can be shared with others. The second part is about the answer being on the way. That the vision is coming and though it may seem slow, we should wait because it will come to pass just like God said it would.

There are a lot of promises God has given our church family about the salvation of kids, about the filling of seats, about growth and we believe God is moving us to season where we see some of the fulfillment of those long awaited things. It's so exciting to be here!

That doesn't mean the devil isn't fighting, but we know our hope is in God through the time of change!

And Pastor Sid was on fire today (although I generally love his preaching, today was just a step above his normal.)This morning he preached about the purpose of the church and it was just so good! He challenged us to be as concerned about those with spiritual homelessness as those with physical homelessness. Wow! So good! The other thing that stuck out was our responsibility to let people know they belong here (at RLC). That God would help us show his love in such a way that when people walk through the doors they would know they were home!

Yeah, a lot to pray about and a lot to trust God for and work toward, but I'm excited about this new season!

New Experiences

The past three Sundays, I've led worship at church. Not because it was really planned that way but because my dad has been voiceless. It started with a cold or something, but I've never had him without a voice for so long that I've had to lead worship for so long. Usually it's more along the lines of " my voice isn't great, so you may need to help me."

Let me say I love worshipping but I'm not a great leader. I tend to get so caught up in organizing and mentally arranging and leading the musicians that worshipping becomes secondary to making sure the songs don't crash and burn. So this has been a learning experience for me and here's what I've learned and God has showed me:

1. It's okay if things aren't perfect. I'm not saying at all that you shouldn't practice or plan for worship, but I am saying that as far as leading worship goes, it is more about worshipping yourself than conducting the band and singers. I can be a bit of a perfectionist and I get frustrated when things don't go in real life as I planned in my mind or when I practiced alone at home. And it derails me, especially when I feel that is my fault as their leader. But I've learned to make inviting God's presence my priority and then not only am I not as concerned about when the songs have hiccups, it also doesn't affect the rest of the song set.

2. I tend to think leading the musicians is more necessary than it really is. Maybe because I want to be led, but the musicians really could mostly follow me with or without my clues. I still gave clues when we were switching sections of songs, but did a lot of verbal clues and it worked. Surprisingly well actually!

I think I got to lead enough that I gained some confidence and I think God was pleased. I enjoyed it even if it wasn't perfect.

New year with new experiences. Exciting stuff!

Learning from the Past

A week or so ago I had a friend post in Facebook the biggest lesson she learned in the prior year, and it inspired me to blog about what I learned in 2017.

My biggest lessons learned were about friendship. I learned that life is so much fuller with friends. I guess I learned the value of true friends. Not acquaintences, friends. Over time I've just gotten use to having acquaintences but not real friends. Very few people have taken the time to get me and understand me. So I don't trust people to assume the best and try and understand my motives. But this year I had a few friendships that just blossomed and almost unexpectedly turned into relationships that are mutually beneficial and that push me as I pray I push them. Friendships where I feel understood and accepted with all my flaws. Friends whose opinions I trust even if they are initially hurtful. And I have grown as a person because I have allowed those God-given friends in. And it was worth the risk.

I've also learned that even in good solid friendships, I have to be careful where I put my focus. God is my source and I have to learn to follow him and not people, even good Christian people. If my focus is well placed, I'm not as easily disappointed by people but I am able to show grace when people don't meet my expectations (expectations that no one can meet all the time).

It's been a year of change and growth and I'm so glad I was forced to stretch. I'm looking forward to 2018 and all that God holds for me in the next year!