Living in Faith and Not Fear

So you know how we all have the best advice to give others, theoretically, when we've never been there before?  I remember before I was a parent I had the best parenting advice to give. Ha!  There were so many things I was going to allow and disallow and I wasn't going to be a push over, ever. I was the disciplinarian and my kids would do what I required of them. Yeah, we all know how that panned out. Ha! It's just different when you are there. I have battles I have to pick daily. And there are still things that are really the most important things to instill in my kids, but there are definitely things that haven't gone or turned out how I expected them to or that I've chosen to let go of and not push.

Same thing when you are a Sunday School teacher. Many times you teach it because God is dealing with you on it, but sometimes, when someone is asking advice, you have the best response for them. Then, when it comes down to it, and you are faced with a similar decision, you realize it's way harder than you thought.

So let's talk money...we've been so blessed and have never really worried about money. We have been smart (not spending money on everything we want or keeping up with the latest and greatest) but in reality, most of the time we've been able to buy whatever we wanted. We've also been pretty generous givers. Because we were able and not necessarily because God asked us to do something beyond what we could easily afford. He's asked us to do big things, but really pretty much within our means. And we've pretty much always had a cushion for a rainy day.

Well right now things are tighter than I'm used to. So I've personally started cutting back some excess so that we don't get in a worse situation financially. We've had so many large purchases (that we need) come at the same time. New AC, new roof, car repair, vacation (which was booked when we had excess, but paid when we didn't). Not to mention my washing machine is starting to freeze up mid cycle. We are having to finance things I'd rather pay cash for so that we have a little reserve and can make it to the next pay day. I have a mental goal of where I'd like our savings to be before I can relax a little.

Tithe is a done deal, we've never really thought about it much. But when it came to guest speakers and extra offerings, I just decided we couldn't right now. God understands, I trust him, but I'm being smart too. But God checked me.

"If you really believe I am gonna take care of you, why are you being stingy? I'm not asking you to be super generous right now, but I am asking you to take care of my people." So I went and paid my extra for our guest speaker and I bought a baby shower gift I was gonna delay for now.

I was living in fear. And I know it because not only was I holding back the reigns when God said let go, but I was complaining about it to others. So not God's way. Really not trying to get sympathy, just someone to agree with my logical reasoning to solve my own problem so I'd feel better about my choices. I didn't ask God how to solve my problem, I just started looking at the numbers and logically figuring out where we could find some extra funds. I do numbers for a living. I just did me.  (Now I know that I am me because God made me this way and I know this is my way by his design and purpose, but I didn't even ask him. That's where I feel I went wrong.)

Oh, God forgive me. Living in faith is HARDER than I made it out to be, especially when it's your daily supply you are worried about. Maybe my current situation is your norm, I don't know. But I'm sorry if I made it out to be your weakness that made trusting God for physical provision hard for you. I had no idea. It is hard!!

I really do know God is going to take care of us, he always does. But I have to trust him in everything and not withhold when he has told me to give. I also don't think it's God's will to keep living like it's no big deal and the money will come from somewhere. He tells us to put him first and He will take care of the rest. So until we get back to a safer place financially, I'm just gonna keep asking him to lead us so he can get glory when he provides!

Out of The Excess

A few months ago I was watching a teaching by Kari Jobe online and she said something that resonated with me. Lately God has been bringing me back to what she said. She was teaching about leading worship (obviously) and said that when she leads worship, she does not expect that to fulfill her or meet her spiritual needs or be her deepest most intimate worship. She has to have her own worship time and then she is able to minister out of the overflow or excess from her personal time with God. (Maybe that's not exactly how she said it, but that's what I got out of it anyways.)

It made me start thinking about why I sometimes get frustrated with how worship goes and don't feel free to worship on Sunday. Besides the fact I am a facilitator or trying to hold it all together, the real issue is my expectation. If I am depending on Sunday worship be my deepest worship, where I am able to be refreshed and ministered to and I spend all my efforts leading others and really receiving nothing in return, I leave feeling disappointed. But as a worship leader, I should come in filled up, already having had my time in God's presence during the week and then my personal expectations are lower and I am less personally disappointed. And I am free from the distraction of my own spiritual needs/expectations and can better lead and minister to others selflessly.

This is the difference between leaders, teachers, preachers, pastors etc on Sunday and the other church members/congregants. Yes, everyone should be having daily time with God, but as a leader, it is even more important that you are getting deeply fed at a time other than when you are in ministering.  Your public ministry should be out of the overflow of your personal spiritual walk. As a leader, more is required of you so you should expect to do more, spend more time in preparation. You are living under a different standards. Where leaders err is that when time is cut short, because life is busy, the things that are seen by others (your public ministry service) becomes the focus and you are not able to invest in your spiritual walk/relationship with God like you should. This is one of the reasons that leaders get burned out so often. What really should be primary has become secondary, and while that will affect those you minister to, it can be devastating to the leader.

I'm not at all saying that those in leadership aren't also ministered to when the believers come together weekly or aren't able to worship or enter in. Of course your worship leader should be worshiping  and your pastor should be hearing what God has spoken to him even as it comes out of his mouth. They just shouldn't expect that to be their primary source of spiritual food and refreshing. The Spirit of God lives in us and we can be in his presence every day and should be as believers, but for leaders, it's pretty much non-negotiable. If you feel frustrated with your ministry, check your own spiritual growth and development. If you feel overwhelmed or overlooked, check your time with God. If you feel lonely and underappreciated, check your devotion to daily time with God and in his presence. Because ESPECIALLY AS LEADERS, our source, our sufficiency, our spiritual health must be maintained personally, aside from our ministry, so that the excess of things God has been pouring into you on a personal level can overflow to others around you as God intends.

Faith Words

Today, or rather this week, I've compared myself to others, I've asked God why me? I've struggled as I fell on my face again as a mom.  But instead of rehashing all of that and blogging through my tears I'm doing something really intentional, even though I don't feel it at all.

Today I'm choosing to be thankful for what God has given me and not dwell in the what-ifs. Today I'm thankful that my house is full and never quiet. That there is chaos and fussing between the kids because at least that means there are kids here. Today I'm thankful that God has given me them all to draw me closer to him. Today I'm thankful for the plans he has for them even though I can't see it and it is definitely not going to be fulfilled through my efforts which always seem to fall short.

I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs. I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to be silly and goofy. I'm thankful that they aren't shy or intimidated by others often (such the opposite of me as a little girl). I'm thankful that they make friends easily. I'm thankful that they are respectful to others. I'm thankful that they don't fight me about going to church. I'm thankful that despite my failings, which are many, they are thriving. I'm thankful for God's grace when I mess things up.

I'm thankful that God's ways are greater than mine. I'm thankful that he sees potential when I can't. I'm thankful that he knows each one of my kids and has had plans for them since before they were born. Before I had any thoughts or intentions regarding adoption and adding them to our family. I'm thankful that His word always accomplishes his purposes.

I'm thankful that this too will pass. I'm thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful that he has them, all of them in the palm of his hands. I'm thankful that God's plans are purposeful and intentional and not accidental.

I'm thankful that God is changing me. I'm thankful that His strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm thankful that I don't have to make God's will happen. I'm thankful that God knew what he was doing when he gave them, all of them, to us, and he still knows what he is doing now. His plans didn't change because I'm not the mom I wish I was, but he knew me, and gave them to us and still chose this for them. Because our family was His best for them.

Praise God for He is Good!!

Broader Horizons

I don't know how else to say it except to say that the last year and a half have been life changing for me. For a person who naturally likes order and routine, being forced to change in so many ways has been so good for me. I've grown spiritually so much in that time frame (maybe more in breadth than depth). I think that some times we get so used to our normal and we focus on growing in areas of strength or comfort more than growing by letting God push us into new and different things.

Before, I was in a place where I was getting opportunity to preach 3-4 times a year at my home church. Since then I've preached once. I didn't feel like that ministry was over, but I was in a time of personal stretching and growing in different areas. When we were without a pastor I spoke a few times to fill in. And really, God has been using me in different ways, so I haven't really had the desire to preach. Just been focusing on different things. I am not complaining at all, and really didn't feel like the opportunity was over, but just that I was in a different season.

So I have a couple of potential preaching opportunities coming up and I've started asking God to lead my study as I prepare. I asked God to show me what "they" (whoever that may be) need to hear and God has just started speaking like he never stopped. I'm not saying that God hasn't been speaking, but I've been kinda in a self learning/growing mode and God has been speaking to me personally but not really for others. When I was preaching more, I would constantly be putting sermons together (at least in pieces) waiting for the opportunity. I kind of wondered if God would still choose to speak to me for that purpose and I'm convinced the answer is a loud YES. It's truly an amazing honor that he would choose me.

So I'm excited to see what God's going to do. In areas where I thought he was done or had moved me on, I guess he's just expanding my horizons. Praise God! Lord, whatever you want, where ever you lead, I will follow.

Practical Faith

The past couple of weeks have been a little different for me. God has showed me some of his plans for me (not the details, cause that would be way too simple). So I've been praying for guidance and He has provided.

I've been asking God for next steps and he's basically given me a "to-do list." Just a few things at a time to do and as I obey him, he gives me a few more. I have 2 things on my list right now.

Although it almost seems too simple, I'm starting to think that's how it's supposed to be. Sometimes we overcomplicate things. Our faith is so theological and idealistic sometimes that it requires almost perfect circumstances to feel successful or good about. I don't know, just thinking out loud. Kinda like Jesus told us to become like little children. Here it and do it. And the more we hear and do the more he can ask us to do. It's baby steps to the big stuff.

Now, I'm not at all saying that any of the things God is asking me to even makes sense in line with what I know is the bigger plan, but if I just hear and obey, hear and obey, the pieces of the puzzle will fit together eventually. And in the process I'll become better at obeying and it'll become easier to trust God with the big stuff.

So I challenge you: Ask God for a to-do list and see what he'll do. But you have to listen for directions, and be willing to obey when he speaks.

Friend of God

Before I start, let me apologize if the title of this blog has started a neverending cycle of the Israel Houghton song in your head. Seriously!! Now on to the good stuff...

As a Christian, one of the most important things to us should be our relationship with God. Christian means "Christlike" and is not synonymous with "church-goer." Whereas most Christians would assume that having a relationship with God would assume friendship, God's been speaking to me about different kinds of relationships. Relationship refers to the connection between two people (or things) so in one sense everyone has some relationship with God. That doesn't mean they are close to God or that they are even on his team, but there is some relationship there.

There are two different kinds of relationships: acquaintance and friend. An acquaintance is someone who knows of or is familiar with someone but has no personal connection to the other person. Here is where I would put "church-goers" and even enemies of God. Even those who spend their energy proving God doesn't exist or advocating against him have some knowledge of him and therefore an relationship or connection to him.

Then, there are friends. (Here's the part that just was a lightbulb moment for me. I love when God does that!) There are two kinds of friends (naturally and spiritually). First, friends of convenience. These are people you wouldn't naturally be friends with but due to a circumstance that brings you together, you become friends. This is where I would put coworkers, classmates, club members like PTA moms and similar friends. Generally, you hang out with these people at the designated time but don't see them apart from that. When the circumstance that brought you together ends, the friendship is over or at least your normal communication or "hang out" time ends. These are also people you consider your friends when it benefits you. Like if you need help with something you know they can help with. These relationships are selfish at best. You aren't enemies, but for sure, you haven't really invested in these relationships but have learned to work with people because that is what was required for the time.

The other type of friendship is friends of intention. This is the relationship that you invest in. That you pursue. That are at the forefront of your minds and are your priority. The friendships that require your total sacrifice and you receive the same in return from the other party.

So when you look at your relationship with God, is it an acquaintance, a friendship of convenience, or a friendship of intention? There is a big difference. Are you pursuing God the way he wants to be pursued or do you just go to him when you need something from him? Are you intentional to spend time with him or only when you have excess time that day? Is he your main thing or your spare tire?

We are studying the book of James in Sunday School (Chapter 4 tomorrow) and there is a passage that starts our talking about how we don't have things because we don't ask God. I would quickly identify this as a friendship of convenience,  but here's the thing. God asks us to come to him, to ask for help, even if we view him as our 9-1-1 operator or for selfish reasons. Why? Because many times that is where he can begin to call us deeper. If we have no relationship with God at all, yes he can draw us, but if we are in a place where we need God, so we come to him out of necessity, He has us where we are in listening mode. And there he can start to prove his love to us. I say all that to say, don't be ashamed if God is your friend of convenience right now. At least he's your friend and not just an acquaintance. Yes, as we spend more time with God, he can become so much more to us, but we all have to start somewhere.

Intimate relationship with God is a never ending cycle of pursuit, repentance, and change. As we pursue God and closeness with God, he shows us our messes. We repent because we know that is the only way to continue our journey forward and he requires us to change. Once we've taken that step by faith, he call us to pursue him again. Although it feels like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, the net affect is forward progress.

So don't be discouraged if pursuing intentional friendship and closeness with God doesn't happen like you wished or as quickly as you'd like. As long as your pursuing, that's forward growth. Closer to His Heart. And the changing he's doing in you is worth it.

Loving Through Disappointment

As much as I try to be chill, I would be lying if I said that I didn't place unrealistic expectations on everyone, including myself. I am perpetually setting myself up to be disappointed. I am not naturally a hugger or touchy feely kind of person so showing love when I am disappointed is really hard for me. Really hard.

I tend to focus on where my expectations were not met rather than the good that is being done. So I'm constantly asking God to help me love better, knowing that I will be disappointed. Somehow, even knowing that disappointment is a given, I constantly expect that when I'm able to love better (or maybe show love better is more accurate) that people will suddenly want to meet my expectations so they will change. The truth of the matter is that as I grow in showing love, even when I'm disappointed, God changes me and not them.

As I learn to be a better parent, to love better, I am constantly understanding in a new way how God must feel about me. I'm sure I've disappointed him a lot and yet he keeps pouring out love on me, keeps challenging me, keeps pushing me toward his greater purpose and plans. So I strive to love like he does and not give up like he doesn't give up on me, even if I disappoint him.