Moms

Daniel wrote a note to his real mom last night (by the way, I hate the term "real mom" because it assumes that I am the fake mom, and I am definitely not. But because Daniel calls her his real mom, I will refer to her as he did.)  In their Wednesday night class, they were making Mother's Day gifts and he chose to write a letter to both of his moms.  This morning he asked me to mail it. I told him I didn't have her address and didn't think that would be a good idea even if I did. And it all opened up again.

He wasn't angry like he has been in the past, but my sweet boy just doesn't understand. How can anyone really ever understand a loss so great? Especially when the whole situation is not simple or easy in any way.

I struggle some times to know what to say to them. I tell them I am sorry they couldn't be with their real parents, and I am sorry their parents didn't make good choices and I'm sorry that things are not the way they wanted them to be, or normal. But I am so glad they are our kids. And I am grateful that God had plans to make us a family. Its weird to say or think that I am some how indebted to people who made the wrong choice for their kids. Or that I am somehow happy for what happened to my kids. I am not at all and if I could I would undo it, except that the bad choices of others is the reason they are now our kids. Its just kinda weird to think about.

When my kids talk about their first family, it doesn't hurt me or make me feel threatened (and for that I give God all the glory). I try to help them understand, but it just isn't easy. But they usually feel like they hurt me. Daniel tried to fix things by saying his mom was an evil women (which I know he doesn't believe, but was just trying to say what he thought I wanted to hear.) This morning as my Daniel got out of the van to go to school he said "Mom, I love you the most and I am glad that I am here." He is such a sweet boy with such a sensitive heart.

And just to prove that point, Daniel's letter to his birth mom said that he missed her sooooo much and hoped she loved God as much as he did and read her Bible.  It is very important to him that she get the chance to become a Christian. His letter to me says he loves me and hopes God will help me.  I am always saying that God wants to help us more than we are willing to ask him for help and that he wants us to trust him and depend on him more than ourselves. I am sure that is where that came from.

I am trusting God to bring complete healing to my kiddos emotions and hearts. Until then, I will keep trying to help my kids know that above all they are loved and cherished and look to God for wisdom and guidance as we get through this together.