When God Gives Me What I Want

God made me with a Type A personality. Very organized. Planned. Not spontaneous at all.  So over the years, there have been many times when God has had to mess me up and teach me to trust him and that his ways are better than my plans. God has given me many surprises that have rocked me to my very core.

Surprise! You can't get pregnant when you want to and have babies when you plan them to be born!

Surprise! You are going to adopt!

Surprise! You are going to adopt 3 kids at once!

Surprise! Now you are going to be pregnant!

Surprise! Now your daughter has a learning disability!

Surprise! Now your son can't sit still and has anxiety issues!

Surprise! Now you aren't going to have a natural birth with no medications like your mom and sister!

Surprise! Now your daughter isn't going to try her best because she thinks she's stupid!

So when things actually kinda go the way I would like or according to my personality, I am almost more surprised than when they don't. Take my labor and deliveries. Both of them were/will be inductions (unless she just can't wait another 7 hours). Now, that isn't what my initial goal was with Seth, but looking back, I am really glad I was induced with him. It let me plan who was watching my kids when. It took the surprise or guessing out of the "am I in labor or not?" questions all moms have or the last minute shifting of kids to grandparents so we can get to the hospital in time.  All of these things made it a very good birth experience for me.

And this time, I know more what to expect since I've been through this before with the same doctor at the same hospital. I like being able to mentally plan. It makes me less stressed. I am totally aware that it won't be exactly like last time, but I'm also not worried about it.

I expect her to be here by lunch tomorrow and I want to stay only one night and come home on Friday.

So today I am grateful that God has allowed somethings in my life to stay organized and planned and that every once in a while he chooses to agree with me and my great ideas!

School Reflections

So after I dropped my kids off at school this morning, I started praying. If I have learned anything about my kids, it is that I can never predict what they are going to do or say. This is the fifth school year we've had with them. You'd think eventually their attitudes and actions would get predictable and yet, I don't feel that way at all. I hate to admit it but I have lowered my standards for them, mostly because it is really stressful to be disappointed by your kids, at least if you are a perfectionist like I tend to be.

That sounds really negative, and I don't mean to be that way. Maybe I should say that I'm trying to step back and praying for them to be self motivated to be their best. And expecting great surprises but trying not to be so pushy with my goals for them and let them set goals and work to achieve them.

Today I got a good report from each kid and they are all pretty positive about the school year. The girls have both set some goals for themselves including As and Bs and some good behavior things I'm really excited for them to work for and achieve.

Haley's co-teacher told her she wasn't sure why she was in her group  and that she just needs a little extra help. I guess Haley never realized that before and those few words were really good for building her confidence. I reminded her that if she would use the tools they were giving her to push her from border line to general education they extra help could totally go away. She seemed to like the sound of that and seems motivated to do her best this year. Praying it sticks and doesn't wear off a few weeks in.

Katelynn has a different group of kids for the most part in her class and I hope that is good for her. Her teacher is seasoned and I really think she will do a good job of teaching self responsibility and helping her gain some of the confidence she lost last year when she was made fun of when someone didn't like her artwork. She is at that hard age where she is realizing not everyone is as nice and kind hearted as she is. She is getting some tough skin and realizing everyone's opinions do not count equally and she can't please everyone. I am hoping she'll blossom this year and next since she will be the only Fowler at her school with the big kids in intermediate.

Daniel liked school mostly, but its only the first day, so he isn't sure what he thinks about his teachers yet. He generally wants to do well, so I'm hoping to get some better feedback in the coming days.

Daniel started practice with his football team tonight. His coach is a Christian and offers prayer with whatever players after practice, which I think is pretty cool. Daniel's a little timid to block/tackle so we have to work on that. I told him this is the only time he has permission to let out the aggression he talks about. Hopefully tomorrow will be better at practice.

2 more work days until the early Thursday morning induction of Julia!

Busy times in the Fowler house!

The Things You Forget

I don't forget many things. Especially if it is important to me. I kind of pride myself in remembering details about others. It's part of the way I show others that I care. (And that was not at all where I was going with this blog.)

I am amazed at the things about my delivery of Seth that I don't remember. I mean that is why people decide to have more kids after all. I know that it was not traumatic and I remember many details, just not all of them. So even though I've done this before, I feel like there is still a lot that is unknown at this point.

I do know that I am not nervous about the induction and I'm not adamantly against an epidural like I tried to be last time. Been there, done that, overall a good experience for me.

I'm a little more nervous about how Julia is doing, mainly because Dr W is concerned she is small. Seth was small, so I should be used to that and yet it makes me a little nervous. It helps me a little that she keeps moving and we have heard a strong heartbeat from the very beginning.

I think the realist in me won't let me assume it will all go like last time. Praying everything will go smoothly, though. When I look back, I realize there were some hiccups in Seth's delivery that I was too naive to be worried about in the moment. I'm praying for a little of that again. I want to enjoy this experience as much as the first one without unnecessary worrying.

I do plan to take better notes throughout the process to help me remember more what happened and when. I think the timeline of Seth's delivery day is what I don't remember the most, so I plan to change that this time.

It's hard to believe that we are less than a week away from Julia's birth.

I plan to update facebook and/or the blog from the hospital, so stay tuned for the next adventure in our lives. Don't know if I'll blog again before then. Depends on how my next week goes.

Baby Days - 37w6d

I know I haven't posted in a while and honestly, I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe, let alone blog about it. Life is busy getting ready for Julia. I only have a few more things to handle before I can be ready mentally:

Missionette promotion is on Sunday and I'm in charge. I was asked what the back up plan is and there isn't one. I have about 5 things left to do for that and I've passed off the reception preparation to my mom.

I have about 3 more project for work to finish. I keep thinking the main tedious task is almost over and then I find another snake to squash. 

Need to pack my bags for the hospital and get the car seat base installed.

Went to the doctor today and we have moved the induction date up to next Thursday August 27th. He had a few more important inductions moved to the date I wanted so here we are. 6 more working days, 8 more days until she is here. I have to call on Thursday to figure out when we have to be at the hospital a week after that. Dr. W expects it to be first thing in the morning, like last time. 

Just like last time, he thinks she's gonna be smaller than Seth maybe, but admitted he could be off a pound either way. I really wanted a regular size baby, but healthy is good either way. I don't plan to stay at the hospital more than one night, but we'll see. I just know that last time, the sooner I got out of that bed, the quicker I healed.

Total weight gain is 18 pounds. Y'all, I have no more doctors visits. This is getting real. Real crazy!

Symptoms this last month include feeling huge, started waddling, hips hurting, hard to breathe and sing, off and on nausea and feeling over full. Tired a lot, just generally feeling done!

Party of 7 coming right up!

Another Year

Each year I try to look back and think about what all has happened in those last 365 days. I don't usually write blogs or share all those thoughts (I don't think), but this year I think it's worth documenting.

Let me start out by saying the older you get the less significant each birthday becomes. Maybe that's why my previous years of reflection haven't been blog worthy. And why I didn't even remember it was my birthday until I got on facebook this morning. Or maybe we can blame that on too much going on right now. I mean we will become a family of 7 in less than a month.

I can look back at this past year, and more so even the past months and just see very clearly where God is changing me. I've been serving God for almost 27 years and yet, in this past 6 months, my relationship with God has grown so much. It's really hard to explain in words, but it has just been amazing. He's been speaking to me in new ways and using me for his glory and I just stand amazed at his goodness!

And he's helping me become a better mom for my kiddos who need better. By nature, I'm a perfectionist and that just doesn't work with my kids. I end up being disappointed and angry and spend all our "quality" time griping and complaining while telling them not to do the same. So God has mellowed me out some. I'm learning to pick my battles and help my kids without being so controlling. It's always a work in progress but I feel like I'm actually able to love my kids better, if that even makes any sense.

And I'm so proud of how far they have come. This weekend Haley decided she would start copying my sermon notes during church while I was taking notes to make sure she got everything.  She gives me hugs for no reason and has really seemed to connect with me recently (once I learned to back off a little). And while we were talking about Gage (their biological half brother), Daniel said he was glad that his mom learned to be responsible and make better choices so she could be a good mom for Gage. Such a grown up thing to say for a 10 year old. He is growing into such a kind young man. And Katelynn is becoming so independent. She has learned her multiplication facts over the summer with my mom in advance of her grade level. They are just growing up in front of my eyes.

And there are friendships that God has placed in my life that have just blossomed and strengthened me and encouraged me. People who God has used to speak into me and I into them and it has just changed me. I've never been one to have close friends, but God is changing that too. We don't go out often, if ever, but I can email/call them when I need them and they will offer encouragement and prayers and we hold each other up.

This has probably been the best year of my marriage to BJ yet. Marriage is hard, but he loves me in my craziness and has made my life better. He knows me, he gets me, and we have learned that we are better together than we could ever be apart. He is my leader and my rock and I am so grateful for him, especially in this last year! We've grown closer together by the grace of God.

It's just been a year of new things and changes I would never have pursued necessarily, but it has all been good. I'm really loving this life God has given me and am so grateful for another year. I'm excited to see what God does next!

The God Who Grieves

Last weekend God spoke something very clearly to me. I've been chewing over it and thinking about it since then and decided now was the time to share with you.

As a mom, there are a lot of times when we grieve for our kids. When they make bad choices. When things don't turn out as we wished for them. When they have to struggle with issues we never would have anticipated. When we feel like we are losing them.

Because we want what's best for them. God's best. And when we don't see that happening and feel like things are out of our control, we grieve for what could have been.

And as alone and helpless as we feel sometimes, we are not alone. Because God grieves for them too. As their father, creator, lover. He too wants them to choose life and not death, to follow his ways and see his power in their lives.

But he also sees the end from the beginning. And even as he grieves with you, he is working on their hearts. To change things for his glory.

We have to learn to trust God and cling to him in our grieving. Because he understands and is the only one who can help us and our children in these trials. We are never alone.