Identity

I've had the song "Good Good Father" resonating in my head for a few days. The line that speaks to me says "and I'm loved by you. It's who I am."

We aren't loved by God because we are special or have attained something. Because he loves us, we are something. The love of our perfect father makes us who we are. He is our identity.

How many times in life do we strive and strive to win someone's approval or acceptance only to find that we have lost our identity in trying to be accepted? With God it is just the opposite. We aren't really ourselves until we accept the love only he can give. 

It just shows that we were created to love and be loved by God. When we reject that love and search everywhere else to "find ourselves," the more lost we become. We will never be more ourselves than when we are in his arms being loved by Him.

I wish those searching could see that he is the only answer. The acceptance and love they are searching for. So many struggles and so much hurt could be avoided if they would only turn to God instead of running from him.

We are loved by Him and that makes us who we are.

Thankful Box

In Royal Rangers, Daniel made a thankful box. He brought it home with blank papers for his family to write what they were thankful for and why. Because of the busy schedule of the last couple of days and because we forgot to take the box to my mom's on Thanksgiving, we did this fun family activity last night. I thought I'd share what we are thankful for this year. Daniel made me promise to share them all. I edited for spelling but didn't change the wording. I wanted to use up all the papers so I have more than everyone else.

B.J. - I am thankful for my kids because God gave them to me.

Katelynn - I am thankful for a God who made me special the way I am because he loves meeeeeeeeeee!!
               - I am thankful for a not drunk mom and dad that I can trust because I had harmful parents that owned me and it was scary to be there as young as I was you see.

Daniel - I am thankful for my family because they love me.
            - I am thankful for my toilet so I don't have to go in my pants.

Haley - I am thankful for Dad and Mom because they are awesome and groovy.
           -I am thankful for you all because you're awesome.....ya ya ya.
           -I am thankful for Seth because he makes me happy when I'm sad. He's funny.

Sandra - I am thankful for health for me and my family because there are many people who deal with sickness more than us.
            - I am thankful for my family because I didn't think I'd ever have kids, but God blessed me with five.
            - I am thankful for music because it allows me to express myself without words.
            - I am thankful for the ability to work fewer hours because I enjoy being able to help my kids with school work and being involved on their lives.
           - I am thankful for B.J. because he loves me and supports me.
           - I am thankful for God's forgiveness when I mess up and the chance to try again.
          - I am thankful for God choosing to use me because it feels awesome to see the result of obedience when he speaks.

Being intentionally grateful always seems to put things in perspective. No matter how rough life is, there are always things to be thankful for. It just shows the faithfulness of God in every part of our lives.

Law vs Faith

I've been reading in Leviticus during my devotions. It's not my favorite book of the Bible because it has historically difficult for me to glean some application or useful information from.

Leviticus lists all the offerings required for each different sin and what is required as far as holiness and cleanliness. What you can and can't eat to be acceptable to God. What you can touch and can't touch and what you have to do to be made clean again after you touch something unclean.

I would assume most Christians are grateful that we are no longer under the law and God just requires us to have faith and believe in him to be saved and made righteous before him.

But sometimes, for me at least, faith is hard. I'd rather do all the tedious things required by the law then simply believe. Then I could be sure that I was doing my best before God. Doing what he required. Because the requirements are spilled out in list form and I can check them off and know I have done it all.

It's hard to measure faith. Am I really believing God to be God? Am I believing enough? Fully. Completely. With all my heart. And even faith requires action. So I get stuck in the doing rather than the believing, or at least that is my tendency. I'm working on it with God's help.

Wednesday we drove by a place on the side of the road decorated with crosses and flowers in memory of someone who had died in a car accident. Katelynn said it'd be scary to die like that. I asked her why and she said because she hopes she would go to heaven. I explained to her that since she'd asked Jesus into her heart and was living to please him, she didn't have to worry. Jesus promised us heaven and we can be sure he wouldn't lie to us. She responded with "okay" and went on, no longer worried. Childlike faith. So simple, uncomplicated.

We make it so difficult. I want to be in the center of God's will so I complicate things trying to believe and do, do and believe, instead of just obeying and following and trusting.

God help me to just pursue you, love you, obey you, knowing you will take care of all of me!

Three

 Seth turned three on November 14th and had a Toy Story themed birthday party on his birthday. This party, although a family party which is our norm, seemed like more of a party. Maybe that's because Jill and Sam and their girls came which added some more kids than just mine. Maybe it's because Seth wanted everyone to wear costumes. Either way, fun was had by all.

 Seth got a Buzz Lightyear toy, sand table, motorized tricycle/motorcycle and roaring dinosaur book. He has since played with each of these, so I know he likes them all.

 The big thing about Seth turning three is the big push for potty training. He generally does pretty good, but its a day to day thing. Maybe by Christmas he'll be there. I'm ready to get rid of buying 2 sizes of diapers. He is so big and grown up in many ways and this is the last thing we need to accomplish. We are just trying to be consistent and reward and punish him accordingly.

Being home with him (and Julia) for 7 weeks really gave me an opportunity to bond with him more. He's really into Buzz Lightyear, reading books, and doing puzzles. He likes to point out question marks and exclamation marks in his books. He also makes up songs about everything, like the famous "Poop in the Potty" song and dance posted on facebook. He reminds me of my dad in that way. He is very musical (how could he not be) so I expect music to always be a part of his life. He is such a sweet and funny boy. 

I love having conversations with him because he thinks through things out loud (just like Katelynn did at 5 years old.) He notices everything and will correct you if you call Julia and him anything other than their names (like sweet boy or pretty girl). He has learned that our last name is Fowler (even though he calls it our middle name) and thinks everyone in his family has the same last name, including my parents who he calls Grandma Fowler and Grandpa Fowler where it should be Hutsell. He says our pretend names are Mom and Dad.

He generally eats okay, but his biggest meal of the day is still easily breakfast. When he won't eat if you say "Don't you eat my bite" he will rebelliously eat it all. If he doesn't want to eat the meal he will say he's not hungry only snacky, which means he wants a snack and I'm sure he got from me.

 

At church he always finds Pastor and asks for "one of those little chocolate things" and is rewarded with a Hershey's Kiss. He can sweet talk anyone out of "circle money" or candy.

He likes to say "that's so silly" when something doesn't make sense or he is acting crazy.

He's a smart one and can retell his Sunday school lesson each week. Currently he is getting the same lesson on Sundays and Wednesdays which helps him remember especially at such a young age. I love all the God songs he knows from Bible Study Fellowship and church.

He is at such a fun age. I'm so glad I get to be his mom!

Significance

From my vantage point at the piano, I have a different perspective than most during praise and worship.

Today I watched my friend struggling with her nieces during worship. See, she has recently taken in these girls and they haven't really been in church much of their lives. I was brought to tears as I thought about the opportunity they now have to choose God and learn to love and serve him all because she was willing to give up ease and comfort and inconvenience herself to care for these girls. She is making such a difference for these little lives.

And God reminded me that my situation is no different than hers. Sure, before we became a family of 5 I was aware of the eternal impact we were choosing to make for these three souls, but since then, I've gotten a little lost in the weeds.

In both cases, these kids were unchurched. If they had stayed in their previous situations, they may never have known the love of God. His grace and mercy. Or the love of a parent who will selflessly give up so much to help them and provide for them.

It'd hard sometimes to remember there is more than mounds of homework every day. More than the constant refereeing and teaching appropriate behavior.  Not that teaching kids to serve God is difficult for us since we don't know any other way, but its easy to get lost in the details and forget the big picture. The significance of our obedience.

Thank you, God, for allowing us to make a difference. For entrusting us with something that is significant for your kingdom.

Hope

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened that you may know the hope of his calling... Ephesians 1:17

Hope is such an important thing. Without hope, there is no motivation. No reason to continue. No anticipation of the future.

There are times when the very thing God has called you to, promised you, seem so far away and the possibility of reaching it, of seeing the fulfillment seems almost too small to mention.

Nonetheless, if God called you to it, there is hope.

The devil likes to toy with our perception. See he can't change God plan but he can change how we see it or feel about if, so that is where he focuses his attention. On our perception. If he can get us to feel hopeless instead of hopeful, we will stop pursuing. Stop pressing on. And he will have won, if even for the smallest moment.

I have days where I have to remind myself that what I feel is not reality. That God has such a beautiful ending on the other side of this test. This mountain. And if I give up now, I may never get to see it.

So today I will keep going. Not giving up now. Because I know he who promised is faithful and there is hope even in this dark valley.

Called to This

This morning was hard! I was running behind (not the kids, me) because this weekend has been a whirlwind and I didn't get bottles washed and was generally not ready for the day. So I was trying to get everything done so we could get out the door and to school/Nana's/work. I wasn't yelling, I was just focused and moving as fast as possible to get things done.

The kids started arguing about something piddly and I just broke down.Tears flowed as I finished getting everyone and everything ready.

And God very clearly said "I called you to this." It settled my soul, but I still felt broken, inadequate and like such a waste of time.

It pretty plain to see that God has changed me through the processing of learning to become a parent. I had such great ideas of how nicely it would all work and turn out. I was determined to be a dictator and to make my kids do what I wanted them to. After all, I am nothing if I don't have it all together. Or that's how I felt when this journey started.

God has sense taught me grace and how to be patient and loving more than I am a strict dictator.  And that is not my natural tendencies so it is hard for me. And although that sounds all nice and lovely, I have learned that even parenting God's way doesn't mean the results will be what you wish for.

Some days I feel like I give and I give and I give and I get nothing in return. That I care way more about them and their success than they do. That I am wasting my time in trying to motivate and/or help them.

But I was called to this.

Why would God call me to be disrespected. Hurt. Insulted. by the very people I'm trying to guide?

Because their souls are worth my feelings being hurt. I'm strong enough to endure even the most difficult emotional days for their sake. I just have to keep it all in perspective and never give up. For he who called me is faithful.

By the time I got home, my energy was renewed and I was ready to go again. Some days/moments are really hard! Some are great! But mostly its just life.  Doing what I was called to do.

This afternoon I found myself helping three kids with different math homework while holding a fussy baby and supervising Seth on the trampoline. Never a dull moment around here. I couldn't help but smile at what "normal" looks like for me. And I thought my life was busy and full before I had kids. I clearly had no clue!

2 Month Checkup

My sweet girl is growing like a weed. She had her 2 month appointment on Monday this week. She weighs 11lb 13oz and is 23.25 inches long. In the past month she has started smiling a lot. She has a fussy time each evening, but besides that, she's a really good baby. It's funny how all the little details don't mean as much with your second baby. 

This month I went back to work and she took to a bottle like a champ. I am breastfeeding at home and she gets breastmilk in a bottle while I am at work. When you exclusively breastfeed, you really don't know how much in ounces she drinks until you have to pump. She eats about 4 ounces every 4 hours during the day. From everything I've read, and based on her measurements, she is eating normally for her age. She is starting to look like a chunky breastfed baby and I love it. Seth never did that, but you all know we had issues with him eating enough. He was so low key he'd rather sleep than eat. She eats every 4 hours and usually has a longer stretch of 6-7 hours at night, however, the past week or so she has woke up every 4 hours like clockwork. Maybe she is having a growth spurt, but last night she had a longer stretch again. Because I am feeding every 4 hours instead of the 3 like Seth, my schedule feels so much more relaxed. For a long time, I was feeding Seth when we got to church and then again after worship/before church was over. Because Julia eats every 4, I either feed her at home before we go to church and then again after church or when we get to church (about 9) and she goes until we are done with lunch. It is so nice not worrying about her starving to death like I did with Seth. Second time is so much more relaxed.

This month she also moved to her crib. I guess I started putting there most of the night when I went to back to work and she has been exclusively in her crib since probably the end of that first week. I can put her down when she is almost asleep and she will stay in her crib and fall asleep. Seth used to fall asleep on the couch and have to be asleep for 10 minutes before I could safely move him without waking him up. He also had quite a few more nights that he would start in the crib and then not go to sleep again in his crib after his middle of the night feeding, so he'd end up in the pack in play in our room.

She is in size 0-3 months clothes and newborn shoes. She has some cute 0-3 month shoes that I haven't been able to put on her and keep on her yet. I dress her up for church complete with bows, ruffle socks and her one pair of newborn church shoes that fit.we haven't repeated 0-3 month dresses yet, but may start doing so soon. I was able to get her in a couple of her newborn dresses twice before we had to move up a size. I really haven't spent much on clothes. Between what we got as presents and what I have on loan from my sister, she is pretty much set. I haven't been through all of her onsies yet, but she has quite a few cute long sleeve onsies, perfect for the current weather. She looks good in every color, but that's the biased mom talking.

She likes to coo and talk to us and can switch from being happy to fussy very quickly. She is a sweet girl and perfect addition to our family.

Happy 2 months, Julia!

Lightbulb Moment

Ever had one of those moments where God speaks and you get a glimpse of understanding into the big picture as God sees it? I had one such moment today. Let me start by saying I know that no words will fully explain what I now understand as God's plan, but I'm gonna try anyways.

For me, I kinda feel like I'm two different people. On the natural side I am Sandra the mom and wife. Those are important roles and God has put my family together and placed me in this position.

On the spiritual side, God has placed certain callings and anointing on me for use in his kingdom and within the church body.

I have been going through a time of change for the past 4 years. From my naturally rigid, perfectionist self to someone who can be flexible and go with the flow. And it has been very good for me and has helped me adapt to my "new" role as a mom of many and dealing with the unexpected nature of parenting and big families. And other parts of my natural life have benefited as well.

But today God showed me that although my kids are a blessing from Him and being their mom is a ministry, they are the tool God is using to make me more flexible for his bigger kingdom plans and purposes. There are ways God wants to use me that require me to trust Him more and be flexible enough to obey one step at a time. In order to see the fullness of what God intends, I have to continue to allow him to make me flexible.

God made me the perfectionist, orderly person I am. So it seems weird that he is changing me to be different than how he made me. But I have learned that both structure and flexibility have their place. Structure and being rigid have served me well. Those tendencies are why I have been stubborn enough to not give the devil a foothold, to become grounded in God's word, to build a strong foundation in God. I am not saying I'm perfect or never fall, but I have been blessed enough to learn to stand my ground against the devil at an early age and have been practicing it for many years. Because I naturally don't do anything half hearted. I am driven and determined and those things came from God.

The rigidity has served its purpose in seasons of my life. It has made me who I am. But now its time to learn to be flexible and obedient if I am to become the fullness of who God intends.

Some days (if I'm honest, most days) I wish I could see how all this turns out. But alas, I can't so I have to keep trusting that God hasn't left out any details. I have no problem believing God for the big things, but my personality hesitates to believe that anyone can remember all the details like I can. But he is God and even though my need for control makes it hard for me to let go, I know and say by faith that he also can handle all the details of my life perfectly and I will choose to trust him in this.