I Stand Amazed

Sometimes, God just leaves me speechless. I am just amazed by all that has transpired in the past week. Let me get the basics out of the way and then I'll get into the meat of the matter. This past week I have been at youth camp with 7 teenagers from church. I haven't been in a few years and it was a lot of fun. My ability to sleep no matter what is going on around me definitely came in handy. Seriously every night I was asleep within 2 minutes of laying my head on my pillow. It didn't matter who was still talking, if the lights were on or not, or what was going on. I still only got about 5-6 hours of sleep a night, but trust me it could have been much worse. This was one of the 2 camps that had separate services for the senior and junior high students. Because my girls were mostly junior highers I went to that service every day. Our speaker was really funny and his sermons were very good. You know you have a good speaker who isn't babying the kids when I can take notes and grow from the things he was talking about. You know you can't have a week at camp without each of the girls having camp crushes/boyfriends that they basically stalk but won't talk to. It is so funny. So, a couple of times I was asked to go ask a guy what his stats were (name, age, what church). I remember those days so I obliged and didn't have a problem at all talking to them. Some of those guys continued to say hi to us the rest of the week, so the girls were thrilled. I plan on going again next year (depending on what happens with our adoption and such). Ok, onto the main reason I decided to blog. While at camp it seems like every service adoption came up at least once. I just took that as confirmation that I am right where God wants me to be and we have made the right decision for us. My heart continues to change every day it seems. I know that God is preparing me for whatever he has in store and the kids that he has planned for us. My heart is making room for them and I am so excited for what God has in store. In the last service, Garland Owensby spoke about lost coins. He had a bunch of coins and asked each of the kids to come and get a coin to represent someone they knew who didn't know Jesus. God immediately burdened my heart, once again, for my babies. After I prayed for quite a few kids that God was giving a burden for the lost to, I went and grabbed a couple of coins for my kids. I found a place and prayed for my babies. I have never felt for anyone else what I feel for these kids God is giving me. I am just amazed at my God and his plans which are so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. As an update in our adoption process, we have most of our adoption application turned in. We were going to attend two classes today that got canceled because the instructor got sick. I was a little bummed because BJ was actually off on a Saturday and we were going to be able to get some of our classes out of the way. But God reminded me, through BJ, that God is lining up the timing of everything according to his plan and not mine. We got our fire extinguishers mounted and now I just need to call the county to schedule a fire inspection so we can mark that off of our list. You wouldn't believe all the hoops we have to jump through to get our kids, but it is so worth it to be in God's will. BJ is working tomorrow so we'll miss him at church. Luckily, my dad got the songs to us early and he was able to get the powerpoints ready for tomorrow, so I won't have to do that in the morning. I have Sunday School and Children's Church tomorrow, so it's going to be a busy day, but as always, God is faithful to show up and use me for his glory.

A Mother's Heart

Ok, so I'm not a mom yet since we just decided to adopt, but as soon as we made that decision, my heart changed. Now, I'm not one that likes change or embraces it quickly, so it must be a God thing. Almost immediately after we shared the news with everyone I found my prayers changing from "I want" and "I need" to "God, protect my babies." I'm starting to understand what it means to be a mother. It's about giving of yourself always, putting your plans aside so your kids get everything they need. It's about going without so they can have and giving them all the love in the world and teaching them to love God. So little ones, know that I'm praying for you and waiting for you and I love you already even thought we've never met. I know God has picked you just for us and we are anxiously awaiting for the day when he brings us together to be the family he saw since before the creation of time.

The Cat is Out of the Bag

Today at church we broke the news to our parents and then church family. BJ and I have decided to adopt. We have always wanted to adopt and decided that now was as good a time as any. Everyone was pretty excited and took the news pretty well. I don't really know why but I thought that my dad would be less accepting of the whole ordeal. However, I had totally forgotten that he tried to convince my mom to adopt these 4 siblings when my sister and I were in college. I don't know why I forget he is such a softy sometimes and he understands more than I give him credit for. We are currently wanting to adopt a sibling group of 2 kids under the age of 5. We know that this may be hard to find since most younger kids in the state system are adopted by foster parents. But just like before, we just trust God that if our kids are out there, they will find their way to our arms. This doesn't surprise him since he had it planned since the creation of time. Ever since we made this decision, I just see life differently. I am always imagining and wondering what our kids will be like. What it will be like to have kids running around and to be a family and no longer just a couple. God's ways are perfect and we are excited for what he has in store. And maybe sooner or later, if its God's will, we will actually have some pics on this blog and not just my ramblings.

I'll try to keep you updated on the process as we go along. God is just so good.

Listening

So BJ and I are trying to make some pretty serious decisions. Like any Christian would do, I asked people to pray for direction and guidance so we'll know what God wants for us in this situation. We don't want to make any rash decisions and definitely don't want to be out of the will of God. So I ask people to pray and we pray for direction. We got some more information about the decision we are trying to make and at first I was okay with it. Then all the options stressed me out and I basically cried for a couple of hours last night because I was scared and I felt like God wasn't helping me. I realized that what stresses me out is that even in letting God lead us, I am trying to control all the outcomes. When I can't control, I get scared and emotional. Goodness, I am just a bad listener. Once I finally stopped crying and toned down my emotions I was able to hear what God was saying. No, I don't know how everything's going to turn out, but I do know that if we will follow God's leading, he will open the doors that need to be opened and close the doors that aren't his way. This isn't an end all to the situation or struggle, but I know God is faithful and there is peace in this valley for me.

Tears

If you follow your tears, you will find your heart. And if you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life. ~Ken Gire

This quote is from the book "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" that I am reading with this online book club. I'm really far behind because I started late, but either way, this book is really good and you should read it. Now on to the point of this post. I cry, a lot. (I'm pretty sure I covered that in my last post, but just in case you missed that I thought I should repeat.) BJ will tell you that I cry at almost every TV show known to man. I guess I am just over sensitive right now. Tonight I cried while watching America's Got Talent. So yes, I'm a sap and cry at everything. So where is my heart and what makes me cry? I cry when I am disappointed in myself. I cry when I want something so bad and it just doesn't seem that I'll ever get it. I cry when I feel alone. I cry when I see God do great things for others and am wondering if he's overlooked me. I cry when I'm stressed. I cry when I am hopeless. I cry when I see others get what they've prayed for. I cry when I see kids growing up and learning to serve Jesus. I cry when I see God meet someone where they are. I cry when I see God touch people who are normally so hard and tough on the outside. I cry when I make someone a thoughtful gift and it touches their heart as much in the receiving as mine in the making. So where is my heart? I don't really know right now. But if I can determine where my heart is, and what is close to God's heart then I can know what decisions I need to make. It sounds easy on the surface, but I'm pretty sure that figuring out my heart is gonna take some time. Onto another journey, another task. Figuring out my heart as God made it. By the way I have learned Psalm 139: 1-18 so far. I know it is taking me longer than I planned, but I had a short interruption when my sis came to visit last week. Normally I get upset when I get off of my schedule, but I decided it was worth it to keep working on it one day at a time and not worry about catching up to my original schedule. I hope you are sticking with memorizing this scripture with me. Also, B.J. and I need some guidance with something we are facing right now. We feel like God is leading us but we want to be sure before we make any major decisions. If you think about it, please pray for us.

The Eye of the Storm

What a difference a few days make. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough on me emotionally. Basically I just felt lonely and sad. I can't really tell you why other than to say I'm sure the enemy was behind it all. He uses my emotions to get to me. I'm confident that the devil uses the emotions and feelings of a lot of women to distract and control them. It gets our eyes off of the promises and love our Father has for us and gets us to feel sorry for ourselves. Fighting our opposition starts with recognizing how he attacks us. This week I've been reading this blog. I went back to the beginning and finally caught up. Angie is so inspiring to me. She has been through so much in the past few years and yet, she keeps on going. There are so many of her blogs that I can relate to how she's feeling and God has used her to show me some things and to understand Him and His ways better. It's awesome when Christians can encourage each other with our stories and what God has taught us. Last night I went next door to deliver some items I purchased for Kim's niece. I just hung out for an hour and a half and it was nice. Nothing formal but it was just nice to be a part of her life and the kids who can always bring a smile to my face. So what have we been up to since my last blog? Let's see. The picnic tables we were going to buy, well apparently there aren't any Home Depots that carry them or have any in stock. So annoying! So, we found a guy on Craig's List that makes custom picnic tables to order and he is making us one and delivering it tomorrow. It will be 10 feet long and fit swimmingly on our patio. (Who actually uses the word swimmingly in normal conversation? Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Because the odd words that come to my head in normal conversation, don't always make it out of my lips, but when I am writing, I am less inhibited and the words just roll out. It is my blog after all. Okay back on topic.) Yesterday, I went to Turbo at noon and then took Brooke shopping with her birthday money. That girl always makes me smile. She is so dramatic! Gotta love that girl! We also went to Coldstone Creamery and I got cheesecake ice cream mixed with strawberries, which is one of my favorites. It was so much fun to be with someone who is almost always smiling and giddy happy about life. Last night BJ went to Lake Tawakoni with Tony and they fished a tournament this morning. Apparently the fishing wasn't so great and he didn't get much sleep last night. He has gone to take a nap, which he never does, so you know he must be tired. I wonder if he'll wake up before tomorrow. I guess if he doesn't I won't have to cook dinner. Yeah for me! Today I met a high school friend for lunch. Ashley brought Jameson, her son, and he was just so cute and entertaining. Ashley was sure that James would discourage me from having kids, but actually it made me look forward to the day when we have a few kids running around the house. If you've talked to me lately I've expressed how quiet my house is. Seriously, BJ is really quiet and we have no pets, no kids, so yeah, it is really quiet. That's fine and relaxing sometimes, but quite honestly, a little noise would be a welcome break from the monotony. I know once we have kids, it'll never go back to being quiet, but I'm sure I can handle it. Usually I start these posts with a plan or a point I want to get to, but not today. So you get what you get. I almost forgot to mention that Jill will be here on Wednesday and I'm excited! I think she and my mom are going to meet me for lunch on Wednesday on their way home from the airport. It'll be a fun week with Jill here. (Jill, this paragraph is just for you since you love seeing your name in a blog.) Oh and I've started learning Psalm 139, 2 verses a day for 2 days and then a day to review/catchup. It'll take a total of 18 days. I got this idea from Angie Smith (the blog I referred to above) but I can't find the exact blog since I read 3 and a half years of blogs in like 4 days. Why don't you join me? Learning scripture is very rewarding and worth all the effort.

A Mess

I am not strong. I don't always feel God. I'm not bulletproof or emotionless. I am not that super-Christian that walks through the fire without a hint of hesitation or doubt. More than once I've been told that I look like I have it all together. I don't. I cry often, well at least lately. But most of the time I choose to trust God. It is a mental decision based on fact and not emotions or how I feel. That doesn't mean I'm perfect by any means. I don't view crying or showing the vulnerable side of me as weakness. I have not built up walls to appear like everything it okay when it isn't. I have just learned to fake it until it is true. This means I have to trust God and "call things that are not as thought they were." This means living like God's going to take care of it or already has even when I don't feel like it and the answer is not in sight. To the outsider, it appears that everything is okay and I am tough. If you knew I was having doubts, I'd guess you'd think I am being fake. I just have to convince my emotions and my expressions that I am not worried. If you think I'm being fake, so be it. I am making a conscious decision to not give into feelings of worry or depression or sadness, especially during times of ministry. I guess that is why people at church think I'm not being real. I have a hard time distinguishing between not trusting God and being real or showing emotion. If I break down am I giving into the stress and worry the devil is trying to distract me with? I'm so conflicted. Some people think I am so tough and resilient and I never break. That's not true. I have had many days where I was mad a God and wanted to give up and I have given up. I guess one of the differences between other people and me is that I know that my emotions are unstable and I don't ever make decisions based on what I am feeling. After I cry and yell at God, I always go back to what I know. God will provide. He always does. Sometimes, we mistake God providing to mean we will get what we want. God doesn't work that way. Yes, many times I get what I have been trusting God for, but sometimes I don't and I have to accept that. God's ways are better than mine and his plans are perfect. I have to learn to stop praying for God to fix things the way I expect him to and start praying for him to have his will in whatever I am going through. It hurts to know that I may or may not get what I'm praying for, but I have to trust that God's ways are better than mine. Not equal to or as good as, but better.