Whose Battle Are You Fighting?

It's been a little while since I "preached" at my readers so I thought now was as good a time as any. (I used the term "preached" very loosely and just so no gets unnecessarily offended, please know that I periodically come back to some of these blogs and read them, so maybe this is more for me to read and refer to later than any of you to know.) On a side note, can I just say that I love the fact that God's word is alive? It's not just like reading a novel or magazine, but God uses his word to speak directly to his kids. I read my Bible every night with the expectation that God is going to speak to me, and with very little exception, he does. It is just amazing to me. Have you ever fought a spiritual battle? It could be a struggle over relationships, illness, or God's plan just to name a few. You fight and you fight and you call out to God and you cry and you seek direction and you wear yourself out in the process. Fighting isn't bad and sometimes God calls for us to stand up and fight for the faith as we are his representatives. But often we fight without reason. Yes, there is a struggle and yes there is a purpose you want to see accomplished, but sometimes, we weren't called to fight that fight. I was reading last night in 2 Chronicles 20:15 & 17 and God told King Jehosophat that the battle he wanted to fight wasn't his to fight but God's. Sometimes we want to fight. Not because it is pleasant but because we feel like we are doing our part, like we are contributing, like we are controlling the outcome. (Oh, no not the C word!!) Control. So hard to give up. But often times our job isn't to fight the battle but to "take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you." Take up your positions - I think this refers to determining that you will believe what God has promised. For me, this includes finding scriptures that remind me of God's promises and getting some Biblical support for why I believe God is going to provide in a certain way. Ever had to write a paper trying to persuade someone to believe a certain thing? In the same way, our minds, our hearts, need some support, some proof we can cling to. So we get out our swords (the Bible) and write out or formulate our position. Stand firm - This is why you need those verses, so you have something to stand firm on. This means to be convinced, to be unwavering, let nothing move you. The devil's first line of attack against us is doubt. If he can get you to waver even one tiny bit from what God has promised, he will take advantage of the loophole to the greatest extent possible. You have to convince yourself so you can stand firm. See the deliverance God will provide - This is the last step. There isn't a step that says cry every night and always be struggling with this battle. When the battle isn't yours, no struggle is required. Fighting fights we aren't meant to or prepared for only wears us down. In reality, God is the one who always brings the victory. It's never because you struggled enough or some how earned the win. The way we are supposed to fight is by trusting in the one who has the power to win our battles. That is our piece of the puzzle. Yes, God will call you to pray and he expects us to do this, but prayer doesn't mean you always get all emotional and frazzled and struggle. Sometimes, yes but the fact we aren't getting all emotional and don't feel like we are fighting doesn't mean we've given up but rather given in to God and letting him be God. He is the victor and we are his subjects who faithfully serve him and trust him to bring victory as only he can. Did you see that Mav's game last night? Ridiculous! They didn't even start playing until there was about 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter and then they ended up winning in overtime. It was crazy!! Today our cleaning lady started and I already know I am going to love this. She is coming once a month to do general cleaning. I don't have issues keeping everything organized, but honestly, if people aren't coming to my house, things like dusting and vacuuming just doesn't get done. So now, it will all get done once a month and to make it better, the fact that she is coming will make me straighten up stuff once a month as well. It sounds like a win win situation to me. Why did I not do this earlier. I've been at a conference for a few days so it'll be nice to be back in the office and get some work done. Being out of the office should assure that I have plenty to do the rest of the week before my 3 day weekend. Things are really looking up. We are in the process of getting twin beds and mattresses and bedding for both of our spare bedrooms. They've been pretty bare, but this will give us better options in the future for respite care and for whatever kids God gives us. We are doing one boy room and one girl room. I'll post pics after all of that is done. There's a lot going on right now, but vacation is right around the corner and I can feel it...only a month left! Yippee!!

Tales of a Novice Mommy: First Edition

No, I am not a mom, yet, but I was one for the weekend. We had the kids. I am the first to admit that I don't have a clue what I am doing. Yes, I worked daycare for a few years in college and I work with kids a lot at church, but when you are not used to it, you don't think all the way through your choices before you make them. Case and Point: On Saturday we were invited to go to Spring Creek at lunch with my sister and the gang before they left to go back home to the Chicago area. We had a gift card, so I figured I would use it. The problem was that B.J. had the card in his wallet and he was at work, so if I wanted to use the card, I had to load up the kids, go see B.J. at work and get it from him. Now, the kids are 4 and 2 so getting in and out of the car isn't as big of a deal as if they were babies. They are really good kids, and are generally very helpful when I ask them to be. The problem started when we walked into Wal-mart. I had decided that I would take the most direct route to sporting goods so we could make this exchange as quick as possible. We went in the end door and started walking to the back. After I proceeded to lead them directly through the toy section I realized this could turn bad very quickly. D decided rather quickly that I should buy him a toy. I told him that wasn't going to happen today and we kept walking. N was happy to just see all the Tinkerbells and Princesses, so no problem there. D didn't really put up a fight, so I figured the issue was over and we proceeded to walk back to sporting goods to find B.J. I got the gift card and when we started walking back to the front of the store, D decided he was mad at me. Not a big dramatic fit kind of mad, but worse. The silent treatment. You know, the kind where they won't talk to you, won't acknowledge what you are saying and refuse to be near you. (I secretly think he's been taking lessons from B.J. because he is the master at the silent treatment.) So, I was basically disowned by a 4 year old at Walmart. I was the mean mommy. I kept my eye on him as N and I walked towards the front. Of course we walked out almost the way we came, so he had to go down the toy aisle again (at this point, I was following him, but giving him some space since he was mad) and this time I saw tears. He was not happy with me, but I had made my decision. Now one thing my mom has taught me is that rewarding kids when they act out or whine is just not an option. I don't want to teach my kids this is how they get their way. I reassured him that I loved him but today the answer was no. He was still silently crying, but he gave me a hug and held my hand as we walked out of the store. About that time, N decided that I should hold her. I told her no, that she was a big girl and she could walk. She doesn't like the word no, as I am sure is true of most 2 year olds so she decided she would cry and throw herself down on the floor in the middle of the doorway. I told her that we were leaving and when she was ready to walk she could join us. Her little fit didn't last long since she saw it wasn't going to work. So for the first time ever, I was that parent. The one everyone is staring at and either laughing at or sympathizing with because they've been there before. And I survived. Lesson Learned #1: Don't walk the kids through the toy department unless you intend on buying them something or are ready to have that discussion with your 4 and 2 year old, because they will ask you. I want to publicly apologize to anyone that I gave parental advice to before. I was out of my ever-loving mind to think I had a clue. I really was just trying to help, but I have realized that sometimes there is nothing else you can do but smile. Parenting is a lot easier on paper than in practice. Yes, I can be consistent and I can try everything I know, but sometimes, nothing works. And you have to be able to smile at the situation and go on.

Friday Flashback

Ok, so I am a blog stalker, but mostly of friends of friends or relatives of friends. Anyway, I am participating in my first Friday Flashback via Jenna's blog. Of course, I would be posting on a Saturday, but Saturday Flashback just doesn't have the same ring. Ha! The topic of the day is your favorite memory at your grandparents house. One summer my sister and I went to my grandparents house. They lived 12 hours from our house, so we didn't get to do this often. One evening Jill and I decided we would create a restaurant in the basement (with my grandma's help) and invite my grandparents to come dine with us. We made menus where everything except the one item that was actually cooked was way over priced so that they would be encouraged to order what we actually had made (we were very creative kids). So when the time came, my grandparents came to dinner decked out to the nines, kinda. Grandpa was wearing a necktie with a t-shirt, a cane, and a top hat. Grandma had a scarf, pearls and a fancy hat. I think my grandpa began to order something we didn't have that was outrageously priced in some sort of British accent all proper-like. At that point I kept running to the kitchen to "check and see what we had" and I was laughing so hard and trying to keep a straight face. Eventually we made it through dinner service, but it was a sight to see and we were all trying to be so professional but just couldn't keep it together. I smile thinking about that night. Great memories I will remember forever. Jenna, thank you for this blog prompt. Maybe with your help, I'll actually be able to blog more often than once a month. No promises though.

Surprise!!

...formerly titled "It's Friday night and it feels so good." I know its been a while since I blogged but life has been pretty crazy. I guess I should stop calling it crazy since it appears to be my new normal. It's really hard to blog honestly and completely when there are parts of what is going on that you can't freely share or just don't want to. I intend to keep my blog public and so, for now I have to show restraint. Do you know how hard that is for me? I tend to speak and then think, share all the intimate details of my life with people who probably shouldn't know, but for now I'm not ready to open up to the entire world wide web. What people think of me is probably more important to me than it should be and I am not emotionally ready to take harsh criticism right now. So, restraint it is. I originally almost blogged on Friday May the 6th to share about the Mother's Day Banquet hence the two titles for this blog. It went really well and I really feel like I shared what God had given me and God's word changed people. No matter how the word is deliberated, it always changes people, because it's God's word and not mine.

Isaiah 55:11 "My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do."

So Friday I was feeling so good because it was over and my stress level was down, a lot. So, on to my topic of the day, surprises. In life a lot of things are about perspective. Being the planner that I am, I like to know what is going on and put it into my schedule. I am learning to go with the flow, but I really think God made me to be a planner for a reason. It is a strength that I can use for God's work. However, the bad side of that is the control I don't like to give up. I am trying to change my perspective and learn to live with the unknown. It's hard for me, but with God's help I'll get there. So I have chosen to see this whole ordeal of waiting and not knowing from one day to the next what is going on from a new perspective. God is the God of surprises, great ones! I don't know when and I don't know what, but one day God is going to surprise me beyond my wildest dreams or imaginations and it's going to be awesome! For now, I'm taking it one day at a time, trying not to dwell on what I don't have or I hope to have, but just waiting for a totally unexpected surprise from the One who takes care of me.

Waiting with a capital W

Thanks for anyone who was praying for us yesterday. I feel that I owe you some sort of update and cannot leave you hanging (as if you are on the edge of your seat, biting at the bit waiting for this. Ha!) Our day turned out to be less eventful than we hoped. We didn't learn anything new except that we get to wait some more, this time until June 22nd. I have been waiting constantly for two and a half years now and quite frankly, it got old about a year ago. For the most part I have learned to be patient in waiting, but sometimes it just makes me mad. I know, in my head, that God knows exactly what he is doing, but my heart wants answers. On a positive note, we didn't receive unfavorable news, so I guess we can wait a little longer, praying all the way, if it means God is working things out for us. And he is indeed working on our side. Because he is faithful to those who are faithful to him. This past weekend we watched Mr. D and Miss N again. We have so much fun together and I'm glad we get to watch them as often as we do. This weekend the kids were a more comfortable with us, I think, and showed us their true colors. 4 year old boys are definitely all boy, or at least Mr. D is. Climbing on everything and generally playing rough and hard. Miss N proved to be a 2 almost 3 year old. I taught 2 year olds in daycare, so I was not surprised by her mood. :) Still just the sweetest kids, always bring a smile to our faces. Mr. D and Miss N were quite rambunctious on Saturday, and decided to team up to chase and wrestle BJ and I'm pretty sure they won. I'm just glad it wasn't me because I'm sure I would have bruises and be sore. BJ was a better sport than I would have been. You should have seen the smiles on their faces as they jumped on top of BJ again and again. Silly kids! I think watching them is a stress reliever for me, which is quite the opposite for most people. I guess I'd be the odd duck. This Saturday is going to be filled with finishing things for Sunday, and the Mother's Day Banquet, and birthday parties. The problem is that when I am not working I just want to lay around and be lazy. And I usually do at least a little of that and my productivity is hindered. Its like I'm fighting against myself. But it all gets done eventually. Ohh, I must remember to buy Mother's Day gifts. It hasn't quite made it on my radar yet. Maybe I should think about that. We have soooo many shows recorded that we need to watch (but not nearly as many as one of my coworkers who always has about 100 hours recorded). So far tonight we have been able to watch or otherwise clear off 5 one hour shows. This feels like a losing battle. Is anyone else obsessed with getting caught up on recorded TV shows? It really bothers me that we are behind. I really think the Mavs are going to make it to the finals this year. It sure wouldn't hurt if the Lakers and/or Spurs lose in the first round. If I were superstitious, which I am not, I would say that posting this prior to making it past the first round would jinx us. Somehow the Mavs have mental issues with the playoffs. I don't know how to fix it. Just stating the obvious. P.S. I think the hardest part about blogging is the feeling like I must transition from subject to subject like a well written novel. So I give up. As random as it is in my head and as rough as it comes to mind, that is how it is coming out unless I am in a particularly crafty mood and wish to expend my energy coming up with clever and eloquent transitions between subjects. Don't expect the extra energy to be exerted any time soon. Just saying.

So Tired

Emotionally, mentally, physically, totally. I have so much going on in every part of my life right now and I really just need a break from myself. Ha! Thus the reason for my disappearance from the blog world. The other reason I haven't shared is because a lot of the stuff I am not at liberty to or don't want to share at this point. I have thought about writing posts and publishing them when the situation has changed but my total exhaustion has stopped that from happening. My to do list feels like it is a mile long and each weekend I am just doing what has to be done to survive another week and not getting any of my list conquered. Let's see how much I can tell you without telling you. :) There is activity on the adoption front, kind of. It's really a crazy situation right now and is hard to know what to do so we are just waiting and praying. Let's just say that next Wednesday the 27th will potentially be a big day for us, so we'd love your prayers if you think about it. We've been pursuing other avenues that maybe we shouldn't push right now, but the door has been opened so that's where we are. I'd guess if you know me, you know what this is about and if you don't you don't. Isn't that fun? Kinda like a challenge. I am getting the finishing touches done for our annual Mother's Day Banquet at church. It is on May 5th and since I am the Missionette Coordinator, I am in charge of it. Tonight at church we gathered all the decorations that are already at the church that we can use, and so I feel much closer to being ready for that event. Jill and Sam are coming down here for a week in May and we are going to have a baby shower for them while they are here visiting. It'll be nice to see them since its been since Christmas and she is finally starting to look prego, or so I've heard. Mavs are doing well in the playoffs. Hopefully this is their year. We'll see. I am off on Friday and will be getting a few things knocked off my list like getting my oil changed and inspection done on the CRV and getting a pedicure. We are also keeping the same kids as last time again this weekend, so we are excited about that. They are a lot of fun. I really am starting to think that kids are God's way of reminding us to smile and enjoy life more. Yeah, I really need to hear that and stop stressing about every little detail. Things are crazy, prayer is needed, and God is faithful.

Parents for the Weekend

Update: I forgot to mention that Miss N was talking about her birthday (which is apparently in 9 hours) and said she was sad the dogs couldn't come to the party because they couldn't wear party hats. Party hats are a very important part of the celebration, you know. :) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well instead of a 4 year old little boy, we ended up with Mr. D, who is 4 and Miss N, who is 2, this past weekend. Let me say that I was a little apprehensive because I always over-think things and my mind thinks through the worse possible situation. But it was not that way at all. We picked them up on Friday night at their church and Mr. D was excited from the beginning. Miss N was not so sure about us but Ms. H convinced her that it would be fun and by the time we made it home she was talking up a storm and had forgotten all about being scared or missing her foster-mom. Saturday Mr. D was up before BJ left for work and Miss N woke up shortly thereafter. We did a lot of fun things including watching Toy Story 2 and Lion King (their choice), playing the Wii (which Mr. D was really good at and Miss N is a little too young to really get it), going to the park, playing with bubbles, and playing princess with Miss N. My parents came over briefly and the kids immediately got a little clingy to me. I wanted them to not be so shy, but it is nice to be the one they want. It just feels good. :) While my parents were there visiting, Mr. D found this bear that sings a song about fishing and fell in love. He probably pushed the button 50 times and I'm convinced he almost had the song memorized. We found out he'd never been fishing and made a mental note that if we get to watch them again, we may have to find a way for BJ to take him fishing. Sunday was the most challenging day of the weekend mainly because the kids were surrounded by people they didn't know in a church they didn't know, and both BJ and I are busy in ministry all day. Mr. D went to his Sunday School class and did really well. Miss N, she wouldn't leave me, so I taught with her in my lap. It wasn't that easy, but we made it through. She got pretty attached to Elisha during class and was okay sitting with her during church so I could play the piano. When she couldn't see me, she made sure to tell Elisha. As long as she could see me at the piano, she was okay. She wasn't used to having to be quiet at church, but she did well. Mr. D wouldn't go to children's church, so he sat with BJ in the sound booth for a little while. BJ got him a chair and he was happy to just be sitting by BJ. BJ said Mr. D reached over and gave him a hug while they were sitting back there. Such a sweet little boy. A couple of our favorite moments from the weekend and things I want to remember: -Mr. D and Miss N have smiles that are so contagious. Just being with them is sure to make you smile. -We were in the car driving and Mr. D said " BJ, you are awesome!" So sweet, I tell you. -Miss N's favorite phrase was "What are you lookin' at?" And when you said you were looking at her, she asks why. -Those kids love some chocolate milk and they want to stir the chocolate in themselves and tell you they are making the milk turn chocolate. The look on their faces tell you how proud they are of themselves. -I washed Mr. D's blanket and he loved wrapping up in the warm, just out of the drier, blanket with only his face peaking out. -As soon as they got there, Mr. D got his toys out of the bag and promptly put them in his closet. He also found a special place to store his DS games. A kid who loves organization. What's not to love? -And just so you know Miss N is only a princess when she is wearing her princess clothes. On the way to drop them off, they really didn't want to go home and we heard about it. But as soon as we were there, they ran up to Ms. H and gave her a hug. I just don't think they know it is okay to enjoy being with more than one person. They feel like they have to choose. They were so excited to tell Ms. H about their weekend and to see their "foster siblings." A lot of hugs were given. I know that their "brothers" and Ms. H are glad they are home. This weekend showed me that I can handle this. We are not getting into more than we can handle, but God is providing strength all the way. My house sure is quiet now and I miss the kiddos, the hugs, the smiles, and the constant activity. Soon enough, in God's time. I'm so glad we got to watch them this weekend and I didn't back away because of the fear of the unknown. God is always faithful.