The Girl With Bangs

Last Wednesday I got a phone call from Haley with a dire question. (She's a preteen and everything is dramatic.) She asked me if my mom could cut her hair so she would have bangs.

For a while she has been complaining that kids make fun of her by calling her "forehead" I guess because they thought her forehead was large. I still don't see it but all it takes is one person saying something and then it catches on. And it made her insecure. So when my mom offered to cut her bangs, she was so excited! I gave her my permission and secretly hoped it would look good on her and not be a decision she regretted. I spent many years growing out my bangs and really she had been growing hers out since she became a part of our family (but they weren't short when she came.)

So much to our surprise, when my mom cut her bangs we realized that her hair (at least her bangs) were not totally straight but wavy instead. I've always thought her hair was pretty straight, but I guess it has some wave/curl to it.

And her bangs look really cute and make here look more her age. That makes this mom so excited! I know no preteen wants to look younger, but I really think her bangs do that for her. I feel like kids grow up so much earlier than they used to, especially kids from hard places with exposure that typical kids with Godly parents don't have. So I need her to stay young long enough so I can feel like she is grounded in God and not so easily persuaded by what is popular. And we started out behind parenting her. She has 7 years of other experiences I wasn't able to help her through or show her God's way regarding. So her growing up makes me a little nervous and scared.

I know God will keep her in the palm of his hands, but I don't want my little girl to grow up so fast. I'm very happy having an 11 year old that looks so cute with her new wavy bangs.

No shortcuts

How can a young person stay on the path to purity? By living according to your word...I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119: 9 & 11

We live in a microwave society. Where we want instant results and satisfaction. I have seen so many people who desire to do things God's way but just struggle to turn from their sin and begin to obey.

There is no shortcut for repentence or a change of heart. No easy way to fix what has been messed up by sin. Yes, the blood of Jesus is enough to forgive and wash away our failures instantly when we ask but the only way to gain strength to stand, to remain pure in a world that is so corrupted by sin, where truth has been diluted and relativized is to get in and read and study God's word. Spend time with the author and learn of him.

Because his word is powerful enough to change us. To do that which we cannot do in our own strength and effort.

Sin has a way of entangling us. Of distorting our thinking.

Returning to the truth of God's word is a process. You didn't get where you are overnight and without a supernatural awesome touch from God, you won't return fully to God and his ways overnight either. (I have seen God miraculously deliver people from sin struggles so that all temptation and desire are gone instantly, but that is the exception and not the norm.)

There are no shortcuts, but the freedom found on the journey is worth the pursuit of him who is able to change us, from the inside out. So hold on for the ride and know that he who is calling you, drawing you is faithful to be with you and help you one step at a time.

Insecurity

Last week I was sitting at the dentist crying. Now I have been to the dentist more times than most because I have genetically bad/weak teeth. It's usually not an issue. I'm used to it all. But for whatever reason (partially due to these raging pregnancy hormones that make me so emotional), I felt ashamed, embarrassed of my teeth.

And as usual, God used this situation to speak to me. We all (especially women) have something we don't like about our physical bodies. And as much as we tell ourselves we are confident, and that what God says matters, we still somehow allow ourselves to feel insecure about something.

Because we are human. Because the devil will use one spoken word, one insecurity, to lead our thoughts to a place of doubt. Doubt about the goodness of God. Doubt about our worth. Doubt about the love of God. Doubt about ourselves.

And when we are consumed with doubt about our lives and whether we matter or not, we have allowed those lies of the enemy to drown out the words of our loving father. Who says we are worth it. Who calls us beautiful and chosen. Precious to him. Who has plans for us so great we can't even began to create them in our finite minds. Who created us in his likeness perfectly for the task at hand.

Who equips us by his spirit so that nothing is impossible if we will believe. Who makes us worthy of the calling he has laid so tenderly on our hearts. Who sees us through the redeeming blood of his son. The blood that covers us in His righteousness.

You are not who you think you are. You are who God says you are and he sees you as beautiful.

29W6D

How Far Along: 29 Weeks 6 Days
Size of the Baby: About 15.5 inches long, and 3lbs, the size of a small cabbage.
Total Weight Gain/Loss:13 pounds gained total, but I feel like a whale
Maternity Clothes: Yes. On occasion I can wear a non-maternity top if it's a less fitted style, but pants are limited to either maternity or loose like lounge/pajama pants.
Gender:GIRL~ Julia Renee. Excited to have a baby girl coming.
Movement: All the time. She is quite a mover and shaker. It's hard to compare to Seth because he was so low and at the time I had nothing to compare his movement to. BJ and Daniel have both seen or felt her move. Dr. W says she is already head down, feet on my left side and bottom on the right. This would explain why when I feel her move on the right it is more like shifting than kicking.
What I Miss Most: My clothes and not feeling so full all the time Also, I miss being able to go without getting short winded or using more effort. I am usually in pretty good shape, but right now I am so easily worn out. It is definitely worse than with Seth, but I'm older, and I'm chasing a toddler. To me it is a huge difference.
Cravings:Salty more than sweet. Wish I could eat without feeling so full.
Symptoms: Feeling like a whale, like there is no possible way she can stay in there another 10 weeks.
Best Moment of the week: Just the movement. Even though it hurts some, it reminds me that there is a purpose for all the discomfort. Oh, yeah! And getting compliments about pregnancy looking good on me. Ya'll better look while you can, cause this ain't happening again.

I will be traveling via plane to Kansas City MO for a funeral this weekend by myself. I'm a little nervous about traveling at this point in my pregnancy, but Dr. W said the risks are pretty low of anything happening at this point. The real risk is complications while I'm away from my doctor, but I just trust God to take care of Julia and me.

Looks like I'll be leading worship on Sunday since my parents are driving back from Missouri that day. It'll be good. We'll survive. God will bless. He is faithful like that.

Life

It's been a while since I've blogged. This last month has just been crazy including end of school awards, a business trip to San Antonio and now the Big Kids are at camp.  I thought I'd get time to blog last week while I was out of town, but that was obviously not the case.

Let's start with baby news. Yesterday I had my third (and hopefully final) sonogram for Julia. There will only be another sonogram if there is a reason to have one.

The first two (to the left) are Julia at 29 weeks and the last two are Seth at 38 weeks.I think the faces look kinda similar, but it's hard to tell since they are 9 weeks apart. Julia has a little bit of hair/fuzz where as Seth had a little dark hair when he was born that has since been replaced with blonde. As far as size goes, the technician said she was measuring a week bigger than expected, but suspected a recent growth spurt. She estimated Julia is already 3.5 pounds or so and noted her long legs. I expect we will have a normal size baby (as opposed to Seth who was so small. He still can wear 18 month pants if they are long enough and he is 2.5). Of course, all of that is a guess and we really won't know until she gets here. I have bought 2 outfits (both 0-3 months) and don't plan on buying any newborn or premie clothes unless the doctors starts seeing her lag behind in size and turn into a small baby like Seth. My sister gave me a bunch of little girl clothes, which include probably enough newborn to get by if needed.

Each pregnancy is so different. I feel like my skin is so tight around my belly and there is no room for her to grow, but I know she still has 11 weeks and will get bigger. Just not sure how she will fit. :) Tuesday I have a doctor's appointment where Dr. W will talk about the sonogram and do the normal measuring, listen to the heartbeat stuff before we go to appointments every 2 weeks after that. I feel like the end of August will be here before we know it. And I am so not ready. She would be fine, I just feel like I have a lot of planning to do at work to get things to a good place before I can be off for maternity leave. And then I remember I do still have probably at least 10 weeks which is 2 whole months. I just wish I didn't have so many projects on hold. One day at a time, cleaning out my office and email inbox so I can be gone and getting things done before then.

It'll all work out. It always does.

Regarding just general baby preparation, I got down Seth's carseat, cleaned it up and put the new girlie cover on it, so we are ready to go with that.

I plan to buy her diaper bag today. I have registered for some things at Babies R Us (just online) but need to get that finished up. A lot of big things I already have from Seth.

The big kids are at church camp for the first time. Daniel acted like he didn't want to go, which is normal for him, but I was told that he was really excited once he got there. This morning I got a text message from Katelynn that said "I love you, mommy." Such a sweet girl! They'll be home tomorrow and I'm excited to hear about their time at camp. My kids are just made for camp. They are so social and in general not scared to do anything new, so I'm sure they'll really enjoy it. I'm praying for God to do something special in each of them during this time.

Seth has been an only child since Wednesday afternoon. The kids were worried he would be a handful by himself since they play with him so much and wouldn't be here. I told them he's only wild when they are here and it'd be fine. He slept 12 hours last night and I got to sleep in until 8. It was so nice.

Today we are off to do some shopping and then just hang out mostly. Should be a nice relaxing day.

Tonight BJ and I are watching American Sniper via Redbox. My sister and her family are coming in town tomorrow for my mom's birthday, so we'll be having dinner with them after the kids get back from camp. Then we have one week of "normal" and we are off toward Houston for vacation.

I plan to blog again next week after my doctor's appointment and then maybe some while on vacation.

The fall is setting up to be pretty busy for our family of 7. Daniel will be playing football for the first time. Haley will be learning to play the clarinet in the school band. Katelynn will be the only Fowler in the elementary school and learning to find her place without being "Haley's sister" or "Daniel's sister."  There will definitely be some growing up going on with the big kids (who Seth calls "the kids") I will be at home with the Littles after Julia is born for a while. I'm actually excited to see how everything pans out and how the Bigs adapt and mature! It will be a fun time at our house!

God Hurts

I've been having a rough week emotionally. Call it a spiritual attack + preggo hormones + tiredness or whatever else you'd like. I don't usually cry, but this week (yesterday especially) my make up was no more before I even made it to work.

I keep having people tell me that I'm overwhelmed. I thought I was doing pretty good until the damn broke yesterday and I couldn't stop crying. And honestly, this happens on occasion and I feel better afterwards. An emotional release just feels good. (I always think about that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Ray is trying to make himself cry to try and understand why Deborah likes a good cry every once in a while. Such a funny episode.)

My kids, who I don't give nearly enough credit to, especially the one who I feel really disconnected from right now, was very compassionate and just sat by me on the couch and hugged me through my tears. These are the moments I need to remember when I feel like all of my efforts are wasted and getting nowhere. When I feel unneeded and unwanted.

So I woke up this morning with an old song in my head:
I need thee, oh, I need thee.
Every hour I need thee.

And I saw a vision of God, sitting on his throne, weeping uncontrollably. Because when I let myself feel unneeded, and overwhelmed with sorrow, God hurts too. Because just like I have adopted three kids and want to provide them with everything they need to succeed, and sometimes they don't think they need me and don't want my help, God has done the same for me and I respond just like they do. And he feels unneeded too when I don't let him help me. And it hurts him when I am hurting and he could fix it if I would let him, but I choose to be overwhelmed instead.

Such a powerful picture of the love of our father. God, let me never forget that you need to be needed and want to be wanted too. Help me to trust you and not carry this all on my own.

Multiplication

Unless you are a math person, like I am, the title of this blogpost has already diverted your attention elsewhere. To save face, this is not about math or anything of the sort.

This weekend God started to let me see how things multiply in his kingdom. Maybe remind me is a better word choice. I think sometimes, we are too self focused to see what God is doing from a big picture perspective.

Last week, I obeyed God and prayed for some individuals. Obedience is a hard thing to learn, so it feels good to know that I obeyed God and it is getting easier all the time.  All glory to God! I believe that when I pray for people, God does something. I may not always know what that is, but I know that when God is moving, there is a purpose. He chooses to use me (and you if you'll let him) to pray for others, to encourage them, to touch them, to spur them on toward spiritual growth and move them closer to God himself. And that change in them multiplies to others.

This Sunday, each of the people that God used me to minister to were ministering to others. And I am just foolish enough to believe that those people will minister to others and the power of God will continue to multiply in each of those lives that he is touching. And we will all continue, by the grace of God, to obey when He speaks, and to feed into each other what God has given us. Not because of us, but because of him.

And the church body (as a whole and not just my church) will grow both in numbers and depth.

For he who called you is faithful and will do it. I Thessalonians 5:24