Tears

If you follow your tears, you will find your heart. And if you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life. ~Ken Gire

This quote is from the book "Strong Women, Soft Hearts" that I am reading with this online book club. I'm really far behind because I started late, but either way, this book is really good and you should read it. Now on to the point of this post. I cry, a lot. (I'm pretty sure I covered that in my last post, but just in case you missed that I thought I should repeat.) BJ will tell you that I cry at almost every TV show known to man. I guess I am just over sensitive right now. Tonight I cried while watching America's Got Talent. So yes, I'm a sap and cry at everything. So where is my heart and what makes me cry? I cry when I am disappointed in myself. I cry when I want something so bad and it just doesn't seem that I'll ever get it. I cry when I feel alone. I cry when I see God do great things for others and am wondering if he's overlooked me. I cry when I'm stressed. I cry when I am hopeless. I cry when I see others get what they've prayed for. I cry when I see kids growing up and learning to serve Jesus. I cry when I see God meet someone where they are. I cry when I see God touch people who are normally so hard and tough on the outside. I cry when I make someone a thoughtful gift and it touches their heart as much in the receiving as mine in the making. So where is my heart? I don't really know right now. But if I can determine where my heart is, and what is close to God's heart then I can know what decisions I need to make. It sounds easy on the surface, but I'm pretty sure that figuring out my heart is gonna take some time. Onto another journey, another task. Figuring out my heart as God made it. By the way I have learned Psalm 139: 1-18 so far. I know it is taking me longer than I planned, but I had a short interruption when my sis came to visit last week. Normally I get upset when I get off of my schedule, but I decided it was worth it to keep working on it one day at a time and not worry about catching up to my original schedule. I hope you are sticking with memorizing this scripture with me. Also, B.J. and I need some guidance with something we are facing right now. We feel like God is leading us but we want to be sure before we make any major decisions. If you think about it, please pray for us.

The Eye of the Storm

What a difference a few days make. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough on me emotionally. Basically I just felt lonely and sad. I can't really tell you why other than to say I'm sure the enemy was behind it all. He uses my emotions to get to me. I'm confident that the devil uses the emotions and feelings of a lot of women to distract and control them. It gets our eyes off of the promises and love our Father has for us and gets us to feel sorry for ourselves. Fighting our opposition starts with recognizing how he attacks us. This week I've been reading this blog. I went back to the beginning and finally caught up. Angie is so inspiring to me. She has been through so much in the past few years and yet, she keeps on going. There are so many of her blogs that I can relate to how she's feeling and God has used her to show me some things and to understand Him and His ways better. It's awesome when Christians can encourage each other with our stories and what God has taught us. Last night I went next door to deliver some items I purchased for Kim's niece. I just hung out for an hour and a half and it was nice. Nothing formal but it was just nice to be a part of her life and the kids who can always bring a smile to my face. So what have we been up to since my last blog? Let's see. The picnic tables we were going to buy, well apparently there aren't any Home Depots that carry them or have any in stock. So annoying! So, we found a guy on Craig's List that makes custom picnic tables to order and he is making us one and delivering it tomorrow. It will be 10 feet long and fit swimmingly on our patio. (Who actually uses the word swimmingly in normal conversation? Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. Because the odd words that come to my head in normal conversation, don't always make it out of my lips, but when I am writing, I am less inhibited and the words just roll out. It is my blog after all. Okay back on topic.) Yesterday, I went to Turbo at noon and then took Brooke shopping with her birthday money. That girl always makes me smile. She is so dramatic! Gotta love that girl! We also went to Coldstone Creamery and I got cheesecake ice cream mixed with strawberries, which is one of my favorites. It was so much fun to be with someone who is almost always smiling and giddy happy about life. Last night BJ went to Lake Tawakoni with Tony and they fished a tournament this morning. Apparently the fishing wasn't so great and he didn't get much sleep last night. He has gone to take a nap, which he never does, so you know he must be tired. I wonder if he'll wake up before tomorrow. I guess if he doesn't I won't have to cook dinner. Yeah for me! Today I met a high school friend for lunch. Ashley brought Jameson, her son, and he was just so cute and entertaining. Ashley was sure that James would discourage me from having kids, but actually it made me look forward to the day when we have a few kids running around the house. If you've talked to me lately I've expressed how quiet my house is. Seriously, BJ is really quiet and we have no pets, no kids, so yeah, it is really quiet. That's fine and relaxing sometimes, but quite honestly, a little noise would be a welcome break from the monotony. I know once we have kids, it'll never go back to being quiet, but I'm sure I can handle it. Usually I start these posts with a plan or a point I want to get to, but not today. So you get what you get. I almost forgot to mention that Jill will be here on Wednesday and I'm excited! I think she and my mom are going to meet me for lunch on Wednesday on their way home from the airport. It'll be a fun week with Jill here. (Jill, this paragraph is just for you since you love seeing your name in a blog.) Oh and I've started learning Psalm 139, 2 verses a day for 2 days and then a day to review/catchup. It'll take a total of 18 days. I got this idea from Angie Smith (the blog I referred to above) but I can't find the exact blog since I read 3 and a half years of blogs in like 4 days. Why don't you join me? Learning scripture is very rewarding and worth all the effort.

A Mess

I am not strong. I don't always feel God. I'm not bulletproof or emotionless. I am not that super-Christian that walks through the fire without a hint of hesitation or doubt. More than once I've been told that I look like I have it all together. I don't. I cry often, well at least lately. But most of the time I choose to trust God. It is a mental decision based on fact and not emotions or how I feel. That doesn't mean I'm perfect by any means. I don't view crying or showing the vulnerable side of me as weakness. I have not built up walls to appear like everything it okay when it isn't. I have just learned to fake it until it is true. This means I have to trust God and "call things that are not as thought they were." This means living like God's going to take care of it or already has even when I don't feel like it and the answer is not in sight. To the outsider, it appears that everything is okay and I am tough. If you knew I was having doubts, I'd guess you'd think I am being fake. I just have to convince my emotions and my expressions that I am not worried. If you think I'm being fake, so be it. I am making a conscious decision to not give into feelings of worry or depression or sadness, especially during times of ministry. I guess that is why people at church think I'm not being real. I have a hard time distinguishing between not trusting God and being real or showing emotion. If I break down am I giving into the stress and worry the devil is trying to distract me with? I'm so conflicted. Some people think I am so tough and resilient and I never break. That's not true. I have had many days where I was mad a God and wanted to give up and I have given up. I guess one of the differences between other people and me is that I know that my emotions are unstable and I don't ever make decisions based on what I am feeling. After I cry and yell at God, I always go back to what I know. God will provide. He always does. Sometimes, we mistake God providing to mean we will get what we want. God doesn't work that way. Yes, many times I get what I have been trusting God for, but sometimes I don't and I have to accept that. God's ways are better than mine and his plans are perfect. I have to learn to stop praying for God to fix things the way I expect him to and start praying for him to have his will in whatever I am going through. It hurts to know that I may or may not get what I'm praying for, but I have to trust that God's ways are better than mine. Not equal to or as good as, but better.

New Patio

Ok, so today I got to talk to my sister on the phone for a while and she informed me that I have not put pics of the new patio. It was finished on the weekend of our anniversary but I was waiting to get our picnic tables so you could get a full idea of what it looks like (or will look like). Since I am apparently too busy or lazy to get the picnic tables purchased and stained and put together, you are gonna get what I have.

Before After

We tripled the size of the concrete and added the pergola for a little shade. I know, I know, it needs picnic tables, but I'm working on it when I get around to it. The nice thing is that since our house faces south, most of this is in the shade from the house for most of the day and the pergola just adds to the shade. We are planning on having our Father's Day get-together at our house, so we'd better get on that picnic table issue and fast. In other exciting news, I was off today. This morning I went to Cardio Dance Party at 24 Hour. It's not turbo, but it was still a great workout. Then I went to Cedar Hill to Charming Charlie's and found a purple purse. It makes me soooo happy! Apparently I have been living in the dark ages because I so didn't know anything about Uptown in Cedar Hill. It is fabulous. I wasn't in the mood to really shop, but I do plan to go back and shop in the future. It is basically an outdoor shopping mall. From FM1382 it looks like a mall with only a few stores, but when you drive inside, it is amazing and there are so many stores. They also have a water spout area for the kids to play. I must remember that for the future. Yesterday evening, I was finally able to pull together all the digital pics I need to get printed so I can scrapbook. The memory card for one of our digital cameras has been at a friend's house (he was using it in his fish finder. Yeah I totally don't get that.) Anyway, the memory card has made it home and I was able to get all the pics I want sent to Walmart to be printed. BJ is supposed to pick up the pics after work today. Hopefully, now that I'll actually have the pics at my house, when I get some free time and the urge to scrapbook (yes, I actually get the urge to scrapbook) I'll have everything I need to do a page or 2 until I am caught up. While I was sorting through pics on the computer I realized I have quite a few events to scrapbook including my getting CPA license in Sept 2008, anniversary trip in 2009, kitchen renovation in July 2009, Cozumel trip in Aug 2009, anniversary trip in 2010, and the patio expansion. So do you think I'll be able to catch up before we go to New York City in August? I'm thinking probably not, but I can at least shoot for that. Did I just nonchalantly mention we are going to the Big Apple in August? Yes I did. We booked our flights and hotel yesterday and are really looking forward to our vacation. We are hoping to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and that is the only thing we have agreed on at this point. Yes, BJ wants to see Phantom as much as I do. I actually saw it at Fair Park a few years back, so he may be looking forward to it more than I am. Starting next week, my boss is letting us work 36 hour weeks through July. Thanks Elaine!! I am pretty excited about that as I love being off during the week and will get to attend Mindy's Turbo class in Mansfield on Fridays. Also, I am making a plan to go and see one of my sister's friends and her new baby the week Jill is in town for Father's Day/my mom's birthday. I think my mom, Jill, and Ashley will join me on my trip to Wilmer so we could call it a girls trip I guess. There are a lot of fun things coming in the next few months. Yes, work is still crazy and hasn't slowed down any, but hopefully we will be able to keep pushing returns out and things will eventually slow down. And this makes 4 blog posts for May, thank you very much.

No Plan B

Have you ever said something and as soon as you heard yourself, it just clicked? So a few weeks ago in Sunday School (I'm not exactly sure what the date was) I heard myself saying the following statement:

If you trust God with all your heart, you don't have a plan B.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I just realized that if you go back and look at my posts I have been hit by quite a few tons of bricks over the past year or so. I must be in really bad shape. Ha. Okay, back on topic. The verse I was talking about is in Proverbs 3:5. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." ALL your heart. Trusting is hard and especially when you are so used to being in control of things. I don't know who passed down the controlling gene to me, but I definitely have it. As long as I can remember I have been over-organized and over-planned and have therefore thought I was controlling all the variables that I could. So I realized, I've been trusting God for plan A, but having plan B in my back pocket the whole time. It is so hard for me to not have some plan in the works. So hard. For example, I was at the store today and I almost purchased something that would help me with my plan B. I realized what I was doing and put it back. No plan B. The second part of that verse has some weight too. Don't trust in my understanding. I have leaned on my own understanding too long. I understand too much and try to control by leaning on myself. No more. I've got to learn to totally & completely trust without reservation. Dana, I'm sure you are laughing your head off because you've been trying to tell me to stop controlling and I want you to know that I'm trying. With God's help, I'm getting rid of my plan B. I'm not going back to trying to plan things my way again. God, I give up. Really, I do. I know it's what you have been waiting on the whole time. This doesn't mean that on occasion I won't think about my plan B since it has become quite a large part of my life, but I commit my plan A, and B, and all the other plans I have to you. You are really the one in control anyways. I just thought I was controlling things by my planning. I give it all to you and wait patiently for your timing. And when my mind lingers to my plans, I pray that you'll help me to put it away and continue trusting. On a totally separate and unrelated note, I determined that I had to blog at least once more this month so I wouldn't only have 2 blogs this month, one of which is from BJ. Life has been crazy, but at least now, May of 2010 will at least tie for last place in the blog world. I may post something tomorrow or Monday and move this month up in the rankings. We'll see.

Jumping In With Both Feet

I have debated blogging my craziness for a while because I feel like its been so long that I need to catch you up and at this point that is way too overwhelming. So I've decided to jump in with both feet and start right where I am instead of trying to "catch up". I'm exhausted. I was up last night, or should I say this morning, until 2:30 finishing stuff for our Junior/Senior Celebration Service at Church. This morning I woke up at 6 and didn't really go back to sleep after that. I know that all of you mothers out there will say to deal with it because you run on that much sleep every day, but I'm not you. I love my sleep, so when I am without it, things don't go so well. For example, I have been calling people by the wrong name all day. Today at church I wasn't feeling the best because of a combination of things. First, little sleep, and second my abs are sore from Turbo Kickboxing. I guess I have been pushing my self to do extra ab work during Turbo since that is where I need to tone up the most. Yeah, I'm really sore. So with all of that, I have felt sick to my stomach today. I skipped lunch to stay at church and finish decorating for the service. About 4, I realized I was hungry so I grabbed a piece of cake at the reception. Then I went to the hospital to visit a friend's grandfather who basically adopted Jill and me when we were little. He had been in the hospital for a few weeks and I really needed to go see him. After that, I drove through Arby's and devoured a #1. It wasn't very good, mostly tasted not fresh and reheated. I was starving at that point and no matter how bad it was, it did quench my hunger. I took a quick nap on the couch and woke up to pack for tomorrow. I'm going to a conference which will be slow and uneventful as compared to the past few months for me. I am grateful for a break, even if I may get bored. We are staying at the Westin Galleria tomorrow night as opposed to coming home and braving the traffic again Tuesday morning. So tomorrow I have to be at Shannon's house at 6:30 packed and ready to go. That is before I normally am even up, so hopefully I can catch up on sleep tonight some and get my butt out of bed in the morning. I am very tempted to sleep in Shannon's car on the way to the conference, but we'll see. On another note, my name is Sandra and I'm a Turbo-a-holic. I never thought I would be addicted to going to the gym but my Turbo class is definitely addictive. I think it is about 20% the challenge and at least 50% Blanca. (For all you people keeping up with the math, I know that is not 100% but I'm not sure what the other 30% is, so there.) Yes, I'm in love with my Turbo instructor. I'm not ashamed to admit it. If you know Blanca, you'd understand. She keeps me laughing and kicks my butt every stinking time I go, which lately has been twice a week. I have a new phone and I love it. It is a Samsung Solstice. This is a big move to the 21st century in my opinion since I now have unlimited text and data. I knew you would be impressed. I may even update my blog and facebook from my phone tomorrow. Look how tech-savy I am becoming. Ok, I'm rambling now. Must stop that. Until later, (insert catchy and inspiring phrase here). Yeah, I got nothing. But that's what you get when I don't get sleep.

6th Anniversary

Last weekend Sandra and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. We went to Davis, OK and stayed in a cabin for a couple of nights and pretty much just relaxed. I'm usually pretty short on words so I'll just post some pictures.

We stayed in the Treehouse Cabin in Warren Woods.

The fishing pond

On Friday we went to the Toy and Action Figure Museum. On Saturday before heading home we walked around the Chickasaw National Reserve