Confidence in 2016

I've been reflecting on the previous years and thinking about what one word I wanted to focus on for 2016.

Confidence

Over this past year especially I have learned to hear God better and clearly know that it is indeed God, but have struggled to take action after I've been given instructions. I'm scared to open my mouth when God has given the words. I second guess. I hesitate. I delay obedience. I have lacked confidence.

So this year I want to get out of my own head and open my mouth when God speaks with confidence before I can talk myself out of it.

I want to be confident that God is working behind the scenes when I am tempted to believe he had forgotten me and my needs. Philippians 1:6

I want to come to God confidently, expecting to find help and not be turned away when I am lacking. Hebrews 4:16

I want to be a confident mom, who trusts God to help me make the difficult decisions.

I want to be a confident woman who knows her value is found in who God says I am and not in my abilities and inabilities.

So here's to 2016! Happy new year!

My Haley Girl

Any one out there with a teenage or pre-teen girl? I see that hand. That sad, worn out, frustrated, exhausted hand. Those girls give us a run for our money. 

Between trying to exert their independence and being clearly smarter than us and knowing everything,  I would say this is probably the most difficult age to parent. (Although I'll probably change my mind when the next stage comes.)

I love Haley, really I do, its just hard to be in the same room with her some times. :)

So I've been choosing my battles wisely. Trying to show her that I'm okay with her growing up as long as she can be responsible. And trying very hard to show respect to her especially when it isn't mutual and give her the benefit of the doubt rather than remind her of her negative tendencies. And pray for her A LOT rather than try and force her to mature and be respectful. (Please don't read any of this to mean I am perfect, because I'm not even close.)

In the past couple of days she has randomly come over to give me a hug or tell me thank you for little things. The other day when she was doing her nightly devotions she thanked God for us. These are all little things, but I'm choosing to see them as an answer to prayer. A step in the right direction.

I really want to have a close relationship with my Haley Girl (all my kids, really, but I'm not worried as much about the other 4), so I hope we are seeing the beginning of some mutual respect at least.  I know we won't always agree, but as long as she knows I love her, we've at least got some ground to build on.

Still Enough

It's Christmas Eve, also known as Katelynn's birthday. We have had a small celebration including pizza for dinner and now the kids are watching Despicable Me in their new jammies.  I would have loved to go to a Christmas Eve service somewhere, but I don't want to go alone and tonight is a later night at work for BJ than usual.

Finished another book today which brings my total for 2015 to 26 books, only 4 of which were nonfiction. The other 22 books were Karen Kingbury books (Christian fiction). And although these books are definitely my escape from reality, these particular books always point back to the faithfulness of God. They challenge me to trust God more. To rely on him better.

This statement jumped out at me today:

Even if God doesn't______(fill in the blank), He is still enough.

Think about it. How often does our understanding of God's ability to provide and to take care of us depend on him answering our prayers in the way we think best?

When God answers by choosing to take someone to heaven rather than heal them here or allow people to grow apart and find him in their own way rather than reconcile them back to us HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

When God's answer to our prayer is no or not now, HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

When God lets us go through the most difficult unexpected circumstances rather than deliver us from them, HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

Even if I never feel like I am enough for this crazy calling we call motherhood, HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

Our finite minds can never understand the infinite wisdom of God and yet we are frustrated when he doesn't do things the way that appears easiest to us. If I can understand God, I have put him in a box and limited him by my unbelief.

I've been going through some spiritual stretching and growing and it hurts. My kids often have growing pains/cramps at night and I've never understood (I never had any of that growing up), but I'm starting to understand on a spiritual level what that is like.

I feel lost sometimes and like I'm living on my own planet at others. Often when I come to the throne room of God, I feel so broken and inadequate for the task at hand. I fail. He knows it and chose me anyways. I've learned to go to him with a heart of praise and worship, especially when I don't have mental energy for it. And he's faithful to meet me there.

Because he is and will always be enough for me! Not because of me, but all because of him!

Looking Back

This past weekend I had a friend tell me "I remember when you were 15, 16, 17. Your were so rude and arrogant. I'm glad you outgrew that."

And it hurt me.  Not in a way that I was crippled by pain or immediately broken to pieces, but it still hurt.

I know I'm not the person I used to be.

I know that the person people saw back then was not the real me either. I appeared confident, even arrogant but I was really a lost girl trying to find my way. Trying to earn acceptance by being the best whatever the cost.  Trying to be what I thought people expected me to be.

This whole conversation brought on 2 thoughts.

1. If I was really so bad and ugly, why didn't some one love me enough to tell me? Granted, I'm not sure I would have accepted it or even listened. The mature grown up me now thinks I might have tried to make a change, but maybe not.

2. If I outgrew it, and turned out okay, maybe my kids will outgrow it too.  Their struggles aren't the same as mine were. We are from totally different worlds. Different personalities. Different issues. As a parent you want to help your kids. Because you feel it is your job to teach them. To change them. And yet, God is the one who has to do the changing.

I think when I'm frustrated, I picture my kids bigger and older with the same immaturity issues. That's what worries me. I tend to forget that even apart from a mom with the best intentions who tries too hard to fix it all, as we grow up, we change and learn on our own. That life itself (as controlled by a loving Father and God) creates change in us. Maybe not instantaneously, but growth and change nonetheless. And often times, we don't even realize we are changing to be who God intended until we are able to look back and reflect later.

So I keep praying, daily placing my kids in His very capable hands, knowing he plans good for them and it'll all work out as I trust Him.

Disappointment

With the new year approaching, I've started thinking about what I'd like to change for the new year.  Many of us make new goals and resolutions, knowing we will probably not finish the year with as much determination as we started. And some of us choose to not even make resolutions to begin with.

The new year is as good a time as any to work on ourselves.  To set new goals and start to strive towards them.

As a Christian, every year I strive to be closer to Jesus. To be more obedient when he speaks. To spend more time in prayer and his word. (My goals are usually more specific than this so that they can be measured.)

And about a month in, we have failed ourselves, totally forgotten our goals and given up again.  Promising to never waste our energy on making silly unattainable goals and deceive ourselves by thinking we can actually change our habits and routines.

And if you are anything like me, you get disappointed with yourself. With your inability to follow through. With your unsuccessful struggle to be more like Him.

But God hasn't given up on us and he is certainly not disappointed.

Let me be totally honest here. I've been really disappointed with myself lately for not being all things to all people. For not being a perfect mom and wife (which should result in perfect children and a perfect marriage.) For not spending as much time with God as I'd like. For not being the perfect example I feel like everyone at church expects me to be. After all, in my mind, this is totally doable. I'm only working part time. I only have 5 kids, most of who "take care of themselves." Other people have accomplished such a feat, right?

And when God is silent (as he is sometimes), I'd be lying if I said I didn't entertain the thought that maybe it's because of something I've done or not done (if only for a moment as I know this is the devil's work).

We are human and we will fail. That is normal.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
All we like sheep have gone astray. Isaiah 53:6

 But God is gracious and His love remains, even in our faults and failures.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. I Corinthians 12:9

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

So instead of being disappointed in my failures, I am reminded that I just need to learn to lean on God a little more and depend on him instead of foolishly thinking I can handle it all on my own.

Three Months

I know that I'm behind, but at least this blog is getting done at all. 

My sweet girl Julia was three months old Thanksgiving week. At three months old, her clothes are true to size as she is just getting into her 3-6 month clothes. I have a few 0-3 month dresses I'm trying to get her to wear one more time before they are too small. 

She is sleeping through the night (from 10 to 6) or so. She usually falls asleep by 9 and then I wake her up for her 10 o'clock feeding before I go to bed. She goes to sleep pretty easily and stays asleep, unlike Seth. Somehow, I have been blessed with an even easier baby than Seth this time around, and I though Seth was easy. I'm pretty sure he woke up at least once a night until almost a year old.

And she is a great eater still. It's so weird to hear people comment on how big/chubby she is for her age. She is average as far as percentages go, but Seth was/is sooo small!

She already says "MaMa" but only as a part of her cry. I really think she says it in reference to me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

She is fussy in the evening and oftentimes I am the only one that can make her happy. Not really loving that, but this too will pass. Sometimes it's nice to be needed, but I will be totally fine when this stage passes.

She is really smiley and starting to giggle. Her smile and giggle are contagious. I love watching the other kids, including Seth, try to make her smile or laugh.  Seth's sweet voice when he talks to her is so precious!

Between a three year old who is in his rebellious stage and a 3 month old who cries only for me in the evening, I am pretty over this. I guess this is God's way of reminding me our family is complete. 

Happy three months sweet girl!!