Looking Back

This past weekend I had a friend tell me "I remember when you were 15, 16, 17. Your were so rude and arrogant. I'm glad you outgrew that."

And it hurt me.  Not in a way that I was crippled by pain or immediately broken to pieces, but it still hurt.

I know I'm not the person I used to be.

I know that the person people saw back then was not the real me either. I appeared confident, even arrogant but I was really a lost girl trying to find my way. Trying to earn acceptance by being the best whatever the cost.  Trying to be what I thought people expected me to be.

This whole conversation brought on 2 thoughts.

1. If I was really so bad and ugly, why didn't some one love me enough to tell me? Granted, I'm not sure I would have accepted it or even listened. The mature grown up me now thinks I might have tried to make a change, but maybe not.

2. If I outgrew it, and turned out okay, maybe my kids will outgrow it too.  Their struggles aren't the same as mine were. We are from totally different worlds. Different personalities. Different issues. As a parent you want to help your kids. Because you feel it is your job to teach them. To change them. And yet, God is the one who has to do the changing.

I think when I'm frustrated, I picture my kids bigger and older with the same immaturity issues. That's what worries me. I tend to forget that even apart from a mom with the best intentions who tries too hard to fix it all, as we grow up, we change and learn on our own. That life itself (as controlled by a loving Father and God) creates change in us. Maybe not instantaneously, but growth and change nonetheless. And often times, we don't even realize we are changing to be who God intended until we are able to look back and reflect later.

So I keep praying, daily placing my kids in His very capable hands, knowing he plans good for them and it'll all work out as I trust Him.