Progress

So I can't remember what I post about and what I don't, and don't feel like looking back to see. We decided we would buy twin beds, mattresses, and bedding for our two spare rooms. We are setting up one for a boy and one for a girl. We don't really know what kids God is going to give us, but figured this was a place to start. Besides, the kids come and visit us once a month and their current sleeping arrangements are temporary at best. So we bought boy bedding a month ago or so and finally found a bed about a week and a half ago and ordered it. It is supposed to be delivered in the next 10 days (which seems really vague to me, but I guess we'll know more as delivery gets closer). We originally bought a bed off of craigslist for the girls room and last weekend we bought mattresses and box springs for two twin beds. (I have an obsession with box springs and really didn't want to buy a twin bed that would not accommodate the mattress/box spring set). I also bought girl bedding and it was delivered Wednesday. I set up the bed and put the mattress on it last weekend to discover the bed must be a twin XL bed because the mattress is not big enough. We ran the idea past my dad to see if he thought it was worth the effort to see if we could make it work and find some way to make it smaller, and since he didn't think so and I really wanted the extra 5-6 inches back for the already small room, we decided to sell the original bed purchased on craigslist and buy another one for the girls room. So I found a bed I liked, ordered it yesterday. Well today, someone came and purchased the other bed we were selling and the girls bed got delivered. So we have the girls room all set up, at least until we adopt kids and can adjust the room to make it fit them specifically. So here's a picture of the progress:And just so you know, I put the bed together by myself since I actually enjoy that kind of stuff more than B.J does. Besides everything these days is really easy to put together, assuming you have all the instructions and parts. Also, we have the kids for the weekend and just for the record, they are hilarious. You should have heard D "babying" N who is only 18 months younger while trying to help her play the Wii. Hilarious! High pitched "baby talk" voice and everything. The funniest part is that he was getting frustrated that she wouldn't let him help her. This is the same kid who told his foster mom that fishing was too hard since he couldn't get it on the first try or so and wouldn't let B.J. help him. I had to sympathize with D when he was getting frustrated with N for messing up something that he had just organized and cleaned up. I told him I totally understood his frustration, as I feel like that is the story of my life, but it was okay and he could clean it up when she was done playing. He was satisfied. I seriously think kids are my stress relief. Seriously! Huge smile!

The Dark Side

For the most part, I am faithfully trusting God to provide for us as far as kids are concerned. He knows exactly what we need and what his plan is for us. His plan is perfect and I have to tell myself this every day since obviously things have not got the way I planned for them to go. :) It took me a long time to get to this place, but I am for the most part hopeful in God's plan. But as it is with most struggles, there is always a dark side, a valley of the shadow of death so to speak. You never realize how many people in your life are pregnant until you are the one who isn't and long so badly to be. I have seen friends conceive more than once and have multiple kids in the course of time we have been trying to conceive (TTC) and are yet to get a single positive pregnancy test. People who "accidentally" got pregnant or who don't really want to be pregnant but find themselves in that situation don't understand those who are wanting this so badly but to no avail. And you see those people who really shouldn't be parents but are and you compare yourself. I would do a better job then that, but God gave them kids. It's not fair! I know it's not pretty and I have to ask God to forgive me for thinking that way, but its the truth. I think one of the reasons this has been so difficult is that I have never really had a struggle of this magnitude. God has been so faithful to us to provide us with everything we need plus some in every area of our lives but this one. And I am very grateful, but often find myself wishing I could "accidentally" conceive. And I think about all the money I wasted on birth control for almost 5 years. (Sometimes I am way too practical for my own good. I am fully aware that it is possible that we could have conceived over that time period had I not been on birth control and I don't think I would have wanted that either, but you can't help but think it was a waste.) And I think about the people who I have disappointed. B.J.'s parents who moved down here 2 years ago to help take care of the grand-kids that still don't exist. And my parents. And my sister who wanted nieces and nephews before they moved away to Chicago. No one has ever blamed me or told me they were disappointed with me, but my mind runs away with me sometimes. I am my worst critic. And you get prayed for so many times by people with great intentions. I am not down-playing the power of prayer and I am fully convinced that God answers prayer, but sometimes you feel like they are only praying because they feel bad for you. I don't want to be that person everyone pities. But there is sunshine peaking through the clouds of doubt and despair. Because "He who promised is faithful." Most of the time, I choose to spend my days in the sunshine and not the shadow. Because life goes on. No, I am not going to give up and declare our situation hopeless, but I refuse to waste this time of my life by focusing on what I do not have YET. God is still using me as a teacher, as a worship leader, as a friend now and I can't miss those opportunities. I can't sit in the corner and mope my way through this valley because what kind of life is that? I choose to keep moving forward. Growing closer to God daily. Allowing him to fill me with his love and use me for his glory. And quite honestly, I have a lot of going on and I choose to be distracted. No, I'm not filling my time so I will be distracted, that is just the life I have chosen. Giving myself fully to everything God has called me to now, in the valley, and not waiting for someday to start giving myself. If you read my blog regularly, you know I was able to speak at our church's Mother's Day banquet a few weeks ago and I really feel like God used me. From the outside perspective, having a lady who isn't a mother speak at a Mother's Day banquet isn't the norm. But God spoke to me for them and used me to share his love with them. Secretly, I think God is getting me ready for ministry opportunities that are beyond my wildest dreams. So I'll be faithful and keep listening as he speaks and obeying his words. There is hope. I see it, I feel it, I choose it. And so I press on hand in hand with my supportive husband and God. We will make it through this. God has never left my side and this time is not going to be the exception.

The Whole Truth

So, I have debated for about three months as to whether I would be totally open and forthcoming about some of my struggles on my blog. On one hand, it really is no ones business and on the other, there is comfort in being transparent and sharing your struggles with others who relate. I think that everyone who reads my blog knows at least some of what I've decided to share, so it shouldn't come as a shock to most. Let me say I am not sharing to gain sympathy or pity, but just to be honest and hopefully be able to help someone in their struggle. I've always had a plan for my life. (I feel like I've almost read this exact sentiment in numerous blogs, so maybe God is trying to teach us all something.) We got married in 2004 and decided that I would finish graduate school before having children. I knew that school would only take more time with kids in tow. Fast forward to fall 2008. We decided to start trying to conceive, so I went off of birth control and I basically thought I'd be pregnant in a couple of months. When things didn't happen right away, I just figured it was the stress so I tried to not think about it as everyone told me to just relax. It's like going on a diet. The minute you can't have something you want it more so trying to not think about it drove me to insanity. I started temping every morning and charting my temps to determine what my cycle was doing and try to more accurately pinpoint my ovulation days each month. For someone who always tries to control things, this tripled my stress as every day after ovulation I'd obsess about my temperature and compare my chart to others and how often someone with a similar chart was pregnant and it never ends. Total craziness! In 2010, I casually took clomid 6-8 cycles as instructed by my OB/GYN and half the time it caused me to ovulate and others it didn't. I later learned that clomid sends a signal to your brain to produce a chemical that causes you to ovulate. If you stress (if you know me, there really isn't an "if" in this statement) you can block the signal to your brain and the clomid is useless. No bueno. So in July of 2010 we started looking at other options. I really believed that God was going to give us biological children, so I wasn't really interested in fertility treatments at that time. God had clearly spoken to us about adoption, so we started to pursue that avenue as you can read about here. So in January my OB/GYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist whom we love! We had general testing done and everything came back pretty normal. They did determine that I had borderline hypothyroidism, and I was put on a synthetic hormone to correct that. I learned that many times, if your thyroid isn't working properly, it can cause fertility issues. Dr. Lee said that if we weren't trying to conceive he wouldn't even worry about the thyroid, but since that can cause early miscarriage and other issues, he'd rather be safe and correct it. I have since been diagnosed with ovulatory dysfunction, which I think is the general category they put everyone that doesn't have PCOS or endometriosis or some other diagnosis or disease that has a name. (That is totally my uneducated opinion.) We have done three monitored cycles that included clomid to cause the follicles (eggs) to mature, synthetic estrogen to help with the lining of the uterus, ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation, and progesterone to help sustain a pregnancy if I conceive. So sometimes I feel like a medical experiment. Yes, the doctors know what the drugs are supposed to do and monitor to see if they do their job, but really it is still a shot in the dark as to if I conceive or not. We can give me the best chance, but God is still in control. I guess this is one of the reasons I am okay with going to a specialist. Before we decided to go, I had to make sure this was what I wanted and where I felt God was leading us. I don't mean to get into a debate, but I really don't want to be "playing God" and I was concerned that fertility treatments may go there. So far, I am okay and I think that I have enough strength to tell the doctors no if they suggest something I am not comfortable with. So, yes, we are pursuing adoption and yes I am doing fertility treatments and I know that we could end up with all of our kids at once and I am okay with that if that is what God wants for us. He won't give me more than I can handle, so I've decided he knows I can handle more than I think I can. I don't plan on updating the blog every month as far as the meds I am on and where I am in the cycle. When we get pregnant (and I fully believe that is God's plan, the timing is what is up in the air), and I feel that we can safely share that information on here I may share what we did during that cycle. I may share later in the week the emotional side of this journey and the things I've struggled with over these almost 3 years. Let me end by saying, I don't see the end and I don't know how all of this will transpire, but I do know that my God is faithful and is perfectly planning our lives for us. Actually, he planned this all before the creation of the world and now we will faithfully wait to see his plan.

Whose Battle Are You Fighting?

It's been a little while since I "preached" at my readers so I thought now was as good a time as any. (I used the term "preached" very loosely and just so no gets unnecessarily offended, please know that I periodically come back to some of these blogs and read them, so maybe this is more for me to read and refer to later than any of you to know.) On a side note, can I just say that I love the fact that God's word is alive? It's not just like reading a novel or magazine, but God uses his word to speak directly to his kids. I read my Bible every night with the expectation that God is going to speak to me, and with very little exception, he does. It is just amazing to me. Have you ever fought a spiritual battle? It could be a struggle over relationships, illness, or God's plan just to name a few. You fight and you fight and you call out to God and you cry and you seek direction and you wear yourself out in the process. Fighting isn't bad and sometimes God calls for us to stand up and fight for the faith as we are his representatives. But often we fight without reason. Yes, there is a struggle and yes there is a purpose you want to see accomplished, but sometimes, we weren't called to fight that fight. I was reading last night in 2 Chronicles 20:15 & 17 and God told King Jehosophat that the battle he wanted to fight wasn't his to fight but God's. Sometimes we want to fight. Not because it is pleasant but because we feel like we are doing our part, like we are contributing, like we are controlling the outcome. (Oh, no not the C word!!) Control. So hard to give up. But often times our job isn't to fight the battle but to "take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you." Take up your positions - I think this refers to determining that you will believe what God has promised. For me, this includes finding scriptures that remind me of God's promises and getting some Biblical support for why I believe God is going to provide in a certain way. Ever had to write a paper trying to persuade someone to believe a certain thing? In the same way, our minds, our hearts, need some support, some proof we can cling to. So we get out our swords (the Bible) and write out or formulate our position. Stand firm - This is why you need those verses, so you have something to stand firm on. This means to be convinced, to be unwavering, let nothing move you. The devil's first line of attack against us is doubt. If he can get you to waver even one tiny bit from what God has promised, he will take advantage of the loophole to the greatest extent possible. You have to convince yourself so you can stand firm. See the deliverance God will provide - This is the last step. There isn't a step that says cry every night and always be struggling with this battle. When the battle isn't yours, no struggle is required. Fighting fights we aren't meant to or prepared for only wears us down. In reality, God is the one who always brings the victory. It's never because you struggled enough or some how earned the win. The way we are supposed to fight is by trusting in the one who has the power to win our battles. That is our piece of the puzzle. Yes, God will call you to pray and he expects us to do this, but prayer doesn't mean you always get all emotional and frazzled and struggle. Sometimes, yes but the fact we aren't getting all emotional and don't feel like we are fighting doesn't mean we've given up but rather given in to God and letting him be God. He is the victor and we are his subjects who faithfully serve him and trust him to bring victory as only he can. Did you see that Mav's game last night? Ridiculous! They didn't even start playing until there was about 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter and then they ended up winning in overtime. It was crazy!! Today our cleaning lady started and I already know I am going to love this. She is coming once a month to do general cleaning. I don't have issues keeping everything organized, but honestly, if people aren't coming to my house, things like dusting and vacuuming just doesn't get done. So now, it will all get done once a month and to make it better, the fact that she is coming will make me straighten up stuff once a month as well. It sounds like a win win situation to me. Why did I not do this earlier. I've been at a conference for a few days so it'll be nice to be back in the office and get some work done. Being out of the office should assure that I have plenty to do the rest of the week before my 3 day weekend. Things are really looking up. We are in the process of getting twin beds and mattresses and bedding for both of our spare bedrooms. They've been pretty bare, but this will give us better options in the future for respite care and for whatever kids God gives us. We are doing one boy room and one girl room. I'll post pics after all of that is done. There's a lot going on right now, but vacation is right around the corner and I can feel it...only a month left! Yippee!!

Tales of a Novice Mommy: First Edition

No, I am not a mom, yet, but I was one for the weekend. We had the kids. I am the first to admit that I don't have a clue what I am doing. Yes, I worked daycare for a few years in college and I work with kids a lot at church, but when you are not used to it, you don't think all the way through your choices before you make them. Case and Point: On Saturday we were invited to go to Spring Creek at lunch with my sister and the gang before they left to go back home to the Chicago area. We had a gift card, so I figured I would use it. The problem was that B.J. had the card in his wallet and he was at work, so if I wanted to use the card, I had to load up the kids, go see B.J. at work and get it from him. Now, the kids are 4 and 2 so getting in and out of the car isn't as big of a deal as if they were babies. They are really good kids, and are generally very helpful when I ask them to be. The problem started when we walked into Wal-mart. I had decided that I would take the most direct route to sporting goods so we could make this exchange as quick as possible. We went in the end door and started walking to the back. After I proceeded to lead them directly through the toy section I realized this could turn bad very quickly. D decided rather quickly that I should buy him a toy. I told him that wasn't going to happen today and we kept walking. N was happy to just see all the Tinkerbells and Princesses, so no problem there. D didn't really put up a fight, so I figured the issue was over and we proceeded to walk back to sporting goods to find B.J. I got the gift card and when we started walking back to the front of the store, D decided he was mad at me. Not a big dramatic fit kind of mad, but worse. The silent treatment. You know, the kind where they won't talk to you, won't acknowledge what you are saying and refuse to be near you. (I secretly think he's been taking lessons from B.J. because he is the master at the silent treatment.) So, I was basically disowned by a 4 year old at Walmart. I was the mean mommy. I kept my eye on him as N and I walked towards the front. Of course we walked out almost the way we came, so he had to go down the toy aisle again (at this point, I was following him, but giving him some space since he was mad) and this time I saw tears. He was not happy with me, but I had made my decision. Now one thing my mom has taught me is that rewarding kids when they act out or whine is just not an option. I don't want to teach my kids this is how they get their way. I reassured him that I loved him but today the answer was no. He was still silently crying, but he gave me a hug and held my hand as we walked out of the store. About that time, N decided that I should hold her. I told her no, that she was a big girl and she could walk. She doesn't like the word no, as I am sure is true of most 2 year olds so she decided she would cry and throw herself down on the floor in the middle of the doorway. I told her that we were leaving and when she was ready to walk she could join us. Her little fit didn't last long since she saw it wasn't going to work. So for the first time ever, I was that parent. The one everyone is staring at and either laughing at or sympathizing with because they've been there before. And I survived. Lesson Learned #1: Don't walk the kids through the toy department unless you intend on buying them something or are ready to have that discussion with your 4 and 2 year old, because they will ask you. I want to publicly apologize to anyone that I gave parental advice to before. I was out of my ever-loving mind to think I had a clue. I really was just trying to help, but I have realized that sometimes there is nothing else you can do but smile. Parenting is a lot easier on paper than in practice. Yes, I can be consistent and I can try everything I know, but sometimes, nothing works. And you have to be able to smile at the situation and go on.

Friday Flashback

Ok, so I am a blog stalker, but mostly of friends of friends or relatives of friends. Anyway, I am participating in my first Friday Flashback via Jenna's blog. Of course, I would be posting on a Saturday, but Saturday Flashback just doesn't have the same ring. Ha! The topic of the day is your favorite memory at your grandparents house. One summer my sister and I went to my grandparents house. They lived 12 hours from our house, so we didn't get to do this often. One evening Jill and I decided we would create a restaurant in the basement (with my grandma's help) and invite my grandparents to come dine with us. We made menus where everything except the one item that was actually cooked was way over priced so that they would be encouraged to order what we actually had made (we were very creative kids). So when the time came, my grandparents came to dinner decked out to the nines, kinda. Grandpa was wearing a necktie with a t-shirt, a cane, and a top hat. Grandma had a scarf, pearls and a fancy hat. I think my grandpa began to order something we didn't have that was outrageously priced in some sort of British accent all proper-like. At that point I kept running to the kitchen to "check and see what we had" and I was laughing so hard and trying to keep a straight face. Eventually we made it through dinner service, but it was a sight to see and we were all trying to be so professional but just couldn't keep it together. I smile thinking about that night. Great memories I will remember forever. Jenna, thank you for this blog prompt. Maybe with your help, I'll actually be able to blog more often than once a month. No promises though.

Surprise!!

...formerly titled "It's Friday night and it feels so good." I know its been a while since I blogged but life has been pretty crazy. I guess I should stop calling it crazy since it appears to be my new normal. It's really hard to blog honestly and completely when there are parts of what is going on that you can't freely share or just don't want to. I intend to keep my blog public and so, for now I have to show restraint. Do you know how hard that is for me? I tend to speak and then think, share all the intimate details of my life with people who probably shouldn't know, but for now I'm not ready to open up to the entire world wide web. What people think of me is probably more important to me than it should be and I am not emotionally ready to take harsh criticism right now. So, restraint it is. I originally almost blogged on Friday May the 6th to share about the Mother's Day Banquet hence the two titles for this blog. It went really well and I really feel like I shared what God had given me and God's word changed people. No matter how the word is deliberated, it always changes people, because it's God's word and not mine.

Isaiah 55:11 "My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do."

So Friday I was feeling so good because it was over and my stress level was down, a lot. So, on to my topic of the day, surprises. In life a lot of things are about perspective. Being the planner that I am, I like to know what is going on and put it into my schedule. I am learning to go with the flow, but I really think God made me to be a planner for a reason. It is a strength that I can use for God's work. However, the bad side of that is the control I don't like to give up. I am trying to change my perspective and learn to live with the unknown. It's hard for me, but with God's help I'll get there. So I have chosen to see this whole ordeal of waiting and not knowing from one day to the next what is going on from a new perspective. God is the God of surprises, great ones! I don't know when and I don't know what, but one day God is going to surprise me beyond my wildest dreams or imaginations and it's going to be awesome! For now, I'm taking it one day at a time, trying not to dwell on what I don't have or I hope to have, but just waiting for a totally unexpected surprise from the One who takes care of me.