The Dark Side

For the most part, I am faithfully trusting God to provide for us as far as kids are concerned. He knows exactly what we need and what his plan is for us. His plan is perfect and I have to tell myself this every day since obviously things have not got the way I planned for them to go. :) It took me a long time to get to this place, but I am for the most part hopeful in God's plan. But as it is with most struggles, there is always a dark side, a valley of the shadow of death so to speak. You never realize how many people in your life are pregnant until you are the one who isn't and long so badly to be. I have seen friends conceive more than once and have multiple kids in the course of time we have been trying to conceive (TTC) and are yet to get a single positive pregnancy test. People who "accidentally" got pregnant or who don't really want to be pregnant but find themselves in that situation don't understand those who are wanting this so badly but to no avail. And you see those people who really shouldn't be parents but are and you compare yourself. I would do a better job then that, but God gave them kids. It's not fair! I know it's not pretty and I have to ask God to forgive me for thinking that way, but its the truth. I think one of the reasons this has been so difficult is that I have never really had a struggle of this magnitude. God has been so faithful to us to provide us with everything we need plus some in every area of our lives but this one. And I am very grateful, but often find myself wishing I could "accidentally" conceive. And I think about all the money I wasted on birth control for almost 5 years. (Sometimes I am way too practical for my own good. I am fully aware that it is possible that we could have conceived over that time period had I not been on birth control and I don't think I would have wanted that either, but you can't help but think it was a waste.) And I think about the people who I have disappointed. B.J.'s parents who moved down here 2 years ago to help take care of the grand-kids that still don't exist. And my parents. And my sister who wanted nieces and nephews before they moved away to Chicago. No one has ever blamed me or told me they were disappointed with me, but my mind runs away with me sometimes. I am my worst critic. And you get prayed for so many times by people with great intentions. I am not down-playing the power of prayer and I am fully convinced that God answers prayer, but sometimes you feel like they are only praying because they feel bad for you. I don't want to be that person everyone pities. But there is sunshine peaking through the clouds of doubt and despair. Because "He who promised is faithful." Most of the time, I choose to spend my days in the sunshine and not the shadow. Because life goes on. No, I am not going to give up and declare our situation hopeless, but I refuse to waste this time of my life by focusing on what I do not have YET. God is still using me as a teacher, as a worship leader, as a friend now and I can't miss those opportunities. I can't sit in the corner and mope my way through this valley because what kind of life is that? I choose to keep moving forward. Growing closer to God daily. Allowing him to fill me with his love and use me for his glory. And quite honestly, I have a lot of going on and I choose to be distracted. No, I'm not filling my time so I will be distracted, that is just the life I have chosen. Giving myself fully to everything God has called me to now, in the valley, and not waiting for someday to start giving myself. If you read my blog regularly, you know I was able to speak at our church's Mother's Day banquet a few weeks ago and I really feel like God used me. From the outside perspective, having a lady who isn't a mother speak at a Mother's Day banquet isn't the norm. But God spoke to me for them and used me to share his love with them. Secretly, I think God is getting me ready for ministry opportunities that are beyond my wildest dreams. So I'll be faithful and keep listening as he speaks and obeying his words. There is hope. I see it, I feel it, I choose it. And so I press on hand in hand with my supportive husband and God. We will make it through this. God has never left my side and this time is not going to be the exception.