The Whole Truth

So, I have debated for about three months as to whether I would be totally open and forthcoming about some of my struggles on my blog. On one hand, it really is no ones business and on the other, there is comfort in being transparent and sharing your struggles with others who relate. I think that everyone who reads my blog knows at least some of what I've decided to share, so it shouldn't come as a shock to most. Let me say I am not sharing to gain sympathy or pity, but just to be honest and hopefully be able to help someone in their struggle. I've always had a plan for my life. (I feel like I've almost read this exact sentiment in numerous blogs, so maybe God is trying to teach us all something.) We got married in 2004 and decided that I would finish graduate school before having children. I knew that school would only take more time with kids in tow. Fast forward to fall 2008. We decided to start trying to conceive, so I went off of birth control and I basically thought I'd be pregnant in a couple of months. When things didn't happen right away, I just figured it was the stress so I tried to not think about it as everyone told me to just relax. It's like going on a diet. The minute you can't have something you want it more so trying to not think about it drove me to insanity. I started temping every morning and charting my temps to determine what my cycle was doing and try to more accurately pinpoint my ovulation days each month. For someone who always tries to control things, this tripled my stress as every day after ovulation I'd obsess about my temperature and compare my chart to others and how often someone with a similar chart was pregnant and it never ends. Total craziness! In 2010, I casually took clomid 6-8 cycles as instructed by my OB/GYN and half the time it caused me to ovulate and others it didn't. I later learned that clomid sends a signal to your brain to produce a chemical that causes you to ovulate. If you stress (if you know me, there really isn't an "if" in this statement) you can block the signal to your brain and the clomid is useless. No bueno. So in July of 2010 we started looking at other options. I really believed that God was going to give us biological children, so I wasn't really interested in fertility treatments at that time. God had clearly spoken to us about adoption, so we started to pursue that avenue as you can read about here. So in January my OB/GYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist whom we love! We had general testing done and everything came back pretty normal. They did determine that I had borderline hypothyroidism, and I was put on a synthetic hormone to correct that. I learned that many times, if your thyroid isn't working properly, it can cause fertility issues. Dr. Lee said that if we weren't trying to conceive he wouldn't even worry about the thyroid, but since that can cause early miscarriage and other issues, he'd rather be safe and correct it. I have since been diagnosed with ovulatory dysfunction, which I think is the general category they put everyone that doesn't have PCOS or endometriosis or some other diagnosis or disease that has a name. (That is totally my uneducated opinion.) We have done three monitored cycles that included clomid to cause the follicles (eggs) to mature, synthetic estrogen to help with the lining of the uterus, ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation, and progesterone to help sustain a pregnancy if I conceive. So sometimes I feel like a medical experiment. Yes, the doctors know what the drugs are supposed to do and monitor to see if they do their job, but really it is still a shot in the dark as to if I conceive or not. We can give me the best chance, but God is still in control. I guess this is one of the reasons I am okay with going to a specialist. Before we decided to go, I had to make sure this was what I wanted and where I felt God was leading us. I don't mean to get into a debate, but I really don't want to be "playing God" and I was concerned that fertility treatments may go there. So far, I am okay and I think that I have enough strength to tell the doctors no if they suggest something I am not comfortable with. So, yes, we are pursuing adoption and yes I am doing fertility treatments and I know that we could end up with all of our kids at once and I am okay with that if that is what God wants for us. He won't give me more than I can handle, so I've decided he knows I can handle more than I think I can. I don't plan on updating the blog every month as far as the meds I am on and where I am in the cycle. When we get pregnant (and I fully believe that is God's plan, the timing is what is up in the air), and I feel that we can safely share that information on here I may share what we did during that cycle. I may share later in the week the emotional side of this journey and the things I've struggled with over these almost 3 years. Let me end by saying, I don't see the end and I don't know how all of this will transpire, but I do know that my God is faithful and is perfectly planning our lives for us. Actually, he planned this all before the creation of the world and now we will faithfully wait to see his plan.