It is Well

Tonight I have the song It is Well by Bethel going over and over in my head.  Love the song. Apart from the rhythm of the verse being complex (which I love but would make it difficult to teach to someone who doesn't understand written music) the lyrics just stick with you. Repeating in your soul (or at least mine) until you are convinced that it is well.

And I am reminded, that contrary to popular opinion and I suppose what unbelievers would think, being well has nothing to do with your circumstances being worked out and everything going the way you'd expect it. Nope.

Being well is a state of total dependence on the one who has the whole world in his hands and has orchestrated every aspect of your life. Its a vision shift from yourself to your provider and Father. From worrying about the what ifs to being okay not knowing the future because you trust the one who does know the end from the beginning.

It's a declaration of faith that even when you don't feel well, when it doesn't look well, you are well because He is your portion. And nothing is impossible for him.

Getting to the place of being well is a two stepper....let go and trust Him.

Letting go is so much easier said than done. It's admitting your efforts are faulty because you are faulty. It's giving up that control and laying it all on the altar. It's not picking up those burdens again. And trusting, fully trusting in the one who has power to calm the wind and waves. Who can make something from nothing and yet holds your heart, your dreams in his hands. The one who will watch over his promises until they are fulfilled in your life. Whose ways are higher and greater than yours.

So tonight I choose to let go and trust God. It is well with my soul.

Loss For Gain

If I give what I have,
I know you'll give me something better.
Why is it so hard for me to give so that I can receive?
If I give what I have,
I believe that you'll reward me.
Help me to accept my loss for your gain.

I think my life's falling apart.
But maybe it's falling in line with your plan.

About 20 years ago I wrote this song. What I felt was my purpose, my ministry was being shut down. It was a long battle, but I survived and I'm stronger for it. And God provided something better to replace what I was so hesitant to let go of.

And this is the song God used to bring peace last night.To remind me it's gonna be amazing and worth holding on to him through the transition.

What I Can't Say

I use my blog to vent, to process, to release, to cope. I wish that I could fully disclose all the details of my struggles, but I am aware that I have to be careful not to betray confidence or stir up drama. You wouldn't believe the number of times I read and reread my blog before posting for this very reason. Because I want to help others, but the details aren't really necessary or helpful sometimes.

Last Sunday, we had a youth led service and I so enjoyed the worship. I got to just be me in his presence. Not performing, not leading or directing, but just worshipping from the depths of who I am. In his presence in worship is my happy place. It made me miss my sister. How we used to lead worship together. Playing and singing with musicians and singers so comfortable I didn't worry about songs as our heart were united and it just flowed.

I knew I was a little mentally, emotionally off this week but just couldn't put my finger on it. Tonight I think I finally was able to identify it. My spirit is broken. Like a part of me is uneasy, in transition, and I just am not comfortable with how things are. And I've kind of been here for a while. I feel kinda lost and lonely.

Like there is something amazingly awesome on the other side of this battle if I can just get to it. I'm not depressed or even super stressed, but just in transition, unsettled.

I'm aware that was is must cease in order for whatever is to come to make it's entrance, but that is much easier to do when you know what is behind the next door. Like I need to lock the door behind me without knowing what I'm stepping into. (Yes, I'm fully aware that is what God is requiring of me. I just don't like that too much.)

Over the years, I feel like I've been faithful in where God has put me. And yet, this new chapter doesn't fullfil me in way the previous ones have. Maybe because I've become comfortable and self reliant. Maybe because it's not all pretty and tied up with a bow. Most definitely because God is drawing me closer!

I'm insecure here. And yet it is where God is calling me. I can't really identify the where except to say it isn't where I used to be, and it isn't comfortable.

But I trust God. Not to tell me everything and satisfy my rational mind, but to change me to be what is needed today. And I will cling more closely to his side, because it's scary here and I'm just a little unsure.

Gearing Up

School and I have a love hate relationship. I personally love learning and love helping with homework, but I hate the pressure school puts on my kids. I hate that a lot of the time schoolwork is an argument we have. That I can't do it all for them or make it easier for them.

Every year I try really hard to have no expectations. So I won't be disappointed when they aren't met. And historically, when I take a breath and feel like things are going okay (which is a big accomplishment), I get hit in the chest with reality. Whether by a call from a teacher or the first parent teacher conference or an IEP/ARD meeting (I hate these!)

So this year I am giving myself goals and expectations that I control rather than placing that on my kids (which is just normal for me, even when I intentionally don't). Goals about how I react and how I help or motivate them.

Originally I decided I would try to focus on the positive. Give a lot of positive reinforcement and not even mention the negative unless they ask for help on that end. And I realized I have problems with that because I often don't even see the positive. So my prayer has changed to "God, help me see the good you see. Help me see them as you do." Cause I've realized I can't comment on what I don't see.

For fear that I am praising them when they are being irresponsible behind my back or when I don't have all the facts, I've been hesitant to praise. (And the fact that I'm not just a natural encourager.) But God has convinced me, that even if they are doing other things I don't want to encourage behind my back and even if it appears that I am being manipulated to others looking in and judging my parenting choices, I have to choose to see past that and praise the good. Even if I look a fool. Even if they are manipulating me. That is all on them and I can only control me. And I  don't want any regrets, but  want to know I'm parenting  how God has showed me. And I'll take the other stuff to God and let him have those things.

God knows I can't do this by myself, so he'll have to give grace a lot and provide strength and help me as I move forward on to the next school year.

30 Blogs Day 9 - What Makes You Different Than Everyone Else

"I am me and you are you.
I don't stand and walk like you.
I don't even talk like you.
God made one of us not two."

When I was a young child, I remember my mom read this poem to my sister and I. We have recently tried to find it so I could read the rest of it again, but can't seem to locate it.

You could say that my whole life I've compared myself to others. Always competing. Often not satisfied. Sometimes it left me feeling better about myself but more times worse. I would not recommend the game of comparison to anyone. There is never a winner.

I say all of that because I've learned there are a lot of things that make me different than others. Some good. Some bad. All different.

When I saw this blog topic, the first surface level difference I thought of was the fact I am a mother of five (in a world filled with smaller families) and the fact that I have a mix of adopted/chosen and biological/birth children. I'm not looking for accolades (and God knows I've messed that up more than I've gotten it right), but view this part of who I am as God's well orchestrated plan, filled with great precision and articulation. Not because of me, but all because of him.

I play multiple instruments and sing. My whole family does actually. Trust me when I say it's just a God  thing and family trait/gifting. None of us have really studied music or practiced much, it's just who we are. At one point, my dad led worship, mom played bass guitar, sister played drums, and I played piano in our church worship team. My kids just learned (relearned) that both Bj and I were in Christian bands growing up. They think it's cool. It embarrasses my kinda. Not really sure why.

I have bad skin/acne and have never out grown it. I had the best skin of my life when I was pregnant. I'm not allergic to anything. Its not food based. Nothing really gets rid of it. It's just genetic and a part of who I am. I'm still amazed when people offer easy fixes like I haven't been dealing with this my whole life (well 25 years at least). This is just what I get. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but if you want to start talking about physical traits or beauty, you'll see me withdraw from conversation. (It's why I sometimes avoid pictures with groups of people I'm not totally comfortable with.) I can be pretty self conscious about it. I tend to think people don't see it any more (I don't really) and then someone says something. It's probably the only physical thing about myself I would change if given a choice.

I've been serving God for 29 years and have never stopped. I am finding there are fewer and fewer of us who were saved at an early age and didn't at some point leave Christianity and return. All glory to God! I've never known any different and I'm glad.

My husband, BJ, is the only guy I ever dated, my first real kiss. We met on the internet before dating sites were a thing. I was 16 and he was 19 and we learned we knew common people. We first met in person at one of my bands concerts in 1999 and the rest is history.

I've only had 2 jobs, ever. One was daycare in college and I just celebrated 15 years at S&A (a CPA firm.)

I love to memorize scripture. I did Bible Quiz for 6 seasons in high school which included memorizing 15 books of the New testament. I love to prove I can learn/memorize anything. I remember facts and figures, usually about people's favorites and birthdays. I love a mental challenge. It invigorates me!

God made us each with differences. In personality. In appearance. And the mix of all of those character and other traits are intentionally designed for a specific purpose God has for us. None of what we feel makes us different is on accident or without reason. Even the things we dislike about ourselves is a piece of the puzzle of our lives that God chooses to use for his glory.

Opportunity Roars

Last Sunday we were having lunch at Cicis Pizza. It was Pastor Sid's idea and I was in no mental state to object. See, BJ worked last Sunday. My Sundays are normally busy just keeping up with my responsibilities, but with Bj gone, a few of his tasks got delegated out, but some of them fell to me. Now, I'm not sure anyone even realized that I was picking up some of his jobs on top of mine, but if nothing else, my mental capacity was maxed out just keeping up with the little things. So if someone else would suggest a lunch place and I didn't have to decide or put in my two cents, I was all over that.

We got to Cicis and I pulled into an empty spot. As soon as I parked, the lady in the car next to me threw her door open into mine, leaving a mark. We both got out, I got insurance info and a name and phone number in case I needed it. She simply didn't realize we had pulled in after her. After looking it over her husband offered to buff it out if I wanted to rather than going through insurance and all. I had some men look it over and decided that was probably a good option. There isn't even a dent that we can see.

Recently whenever I have an encounter with someone new, God's been bringing them to my mind and I've prayed for them from time to time. Not really knowing anything about them, but just praying for their souls and that if I needed to minister to them that God would open up the door for that.

On Monday night I texted her to set up when we could get the car fixed. I felt prompted to invite her to church, so I did. That's not usually my thing, especially since I hate when people steal people from churches. But it's become so much not my thing that God really has to convince me to even mention it. Her immediate response was that they had been looking for a church and would consider it. Praise God!

I wish I could say they will be visiting RLC tomorrow, but I have no idea if that's the case. But I do know it was a divine appointment for God's plan and he will work out the rest, even if it means I never see anything else from that.

They are coming to our house tomorrow after church to fix the car, so I'm praying for easy conversation and more opportunity to show God's love to them.

The opportunities are coming more often and for that I'm grateful! And I'm learning to keep planting seeds even if I'm not the one to bring in the harvest. If you never plant seed you are limiting your harvest and being selfish. If you want to reap generously you have to sow generously and not only when you gain personal benefit.

Thy kingdom come, they will be done in my life and RLC!

Memorial Songs

Remember when the Isrealites crossed the Jordan River? Joshua had one man from each tribe pick up a stone from the middle of the river and they built a memorial. As a reminder of what God had brought them through.

I feel like in my life, instead of stones, there are certain songs that remind me of a battle/struggle I had to face and overcome or a shifting from one chapter to another. Memorial songs.

The song that keeps showing up kind of unexpectedly right now is "Forever" By: Kari Jobe. It is traditionally sung around easter, and it isn't really the meaning or lyrics that has made it a Memorial, but the song itself.

Easter Sunday I was pushed to lead this song at church. It has too big of a range for me to sing comfortably (Kari can sing!!) and I really didn't want to sing it, let alone lead it. But I did it anyways.

Looking back for me, that was a turning point. In how I push myself toward uncomfortable obedience. Toward letting my worship truly be raw and from the heart. Toward being confident enough to try new things that may be accepted or rejected and being okay with that. Before that point I was too scared of failure to try anything different. In worship. In singing. In leading others. But I did it and God used it for his glory.

And I remember that all when I hear that song.

For God to truly have his way in our lives, we have to be okay with the uncomfortable. Often, we pray for favor and ease in our obedience. But it isn't easy obedience that's build character, it's facing the lions that come our way and not running from them scared. If our goal is really God's will and pleasure in our lives, our prayers are misplaced when we ask for comfort and ease and a "fix it" for our problems. Instead, we should pray for God's will and his glory, which most certainly does not mean an easy way out for us. But he's worth it. So worth it.