What I Can't Say

I use my blog to vent, to process, to release, to cope. I wish that I could fully disclose all the details of my struggles, but I am aware that I have to be careful not to betray confidence or stir up drama. You wouldn't believe the number of times I read and reread my blog before posting for this very reason. Because I want to help others, but the details aren't really necessary or helpful sometimes.

Last Sunday, we had a youth led service and I so enjoyed the worship. I got to just be me in his presence. Not performing, not leading or directing, but just worshipping from the depths of who I am. In his presence in worship is my happy place. It made me miss my sister. How we used to lead worship together. Playing and singing with musicians and singers so comfortable I didn't worry about songs as our heart were united and it just flowed.

I knew I was a little mentally, emotionally off this week but just couldn't put my finger on it. Tonight I think I finally was able to identify it. My spirit is broken. Like a part of me is uneasy, in transition, and I just am not comfortable with how things are. And I've kind of been here for a while. I feel kinda lost and lonely.

Like there is something amazingly awesome on the other side of this battle if I can just get to it. I'm not depressed or even super stressed, but just in transition, unsettled.

I'm aware that was is must cease in order for whatever is to come to make it's entrance, but that is much easier to do when you know what is behind the next door. Like I need to lock the door behind me without knowing what I'm stepping into. (Yes, I'm fully aware that is what God is requiring of me. I just don't like that too much.)

Over the years, I feel like I've been faithful in where God has put me. And yet, this new chapter doesn't fullfil me in way the previous ones have. Maybe because I've become comfortable and self reliant. Maybe because it's not all pretty and tied up with a bow. Most definitely because God is drawing me closer!

I'm insecure here. And yet it is where God is calling me. I can't really identify the where except to say it isn't where I used to be, and it isn't comfortable.

But I trust God. Not to tell me everything and satisfy my rational mind, but to change me to be what is needed today. And I will cling more closely to his side, because it's scary here and I'm just a little unsure.