One Desire

Kari Jobe is my BFF. Seriously!  Every morning and afternoon on the way to and from work (and sometimes during the day) her and I share a special time with God in the car (or at my desk), singing praises to him. We are really close. I am convinced it is a God thing, but the way she says things in her songs is exactly how I would say them. The phrasing and melodies comes so naturally to me.  I got a new Kari Jobe CD for Mother's Day (thanks to BJ and the kids) and I just love it. My new favorite song is One Desire.

In Your presence Lord
I will find my strength
You're the breath in me
You're my everything
With my heart bowed low
And my hands held high
All consuming fire
You're my one desire.

I am praying for a great week. I know that my trip to Galveston this weekend isn't intended to be a time of anything more than relaxation, but I am praying for a time where God can really speak to me and I can be free from the stress of life and just enjoy Him. Just hear him clearly as he leads me into his perfect plan for this season of my life.  Because that doesn't take a great church service or a multitude of people or anything other than just He and I. 

Sunday Thoughts

I'm sitting here waiting on my clothes to be done in the drier so I can go to bed. I absolutely hate ironing. Hate it.  So I try my hardest to be around when the drier stops so I can quickly get the clothes out and hang them up to avoid them being wrinkled. Isn't that such a mom thing to do on Mother's Day? Laundry. Ha!

So while I'm waiting I figured I'd blog.

This weekend was full in the best way possible. Yesterday morning we had a Ladies Brunch at the church. DeAnn did a great job speaking about us as mother's being the shepherds or co-shepherds of our families. And I think I have found a new favorite verse for mothers:

Isaiah 8:18 Here am I, and the children the LORD has given me. We are signs and symbols in Israel from the LORD Almighty, who dwells on Mount Zion.

How awesome is it that God allows me and my children to be a sign from God to those around us? The way we raise our kids can show others who He is.  For me, I pray my life and the lives of my kids show that God is faithful.

DeAnn referred to my story while she was preaching and it made me think. (Well first it made me feel weird. You know, like every one was starting at me.)  I've always prayed that God would use my struggles to show who he is and to show others what God will do if you just stayed faithful to him through the struggles. She said something about understanding the hurt and knowing that if I would just hold on, God would bring something awesome. I've always known others were praying, but never really knew the faith others had for me or the way people saw me through it all.  It is very humbling. It's all such a distant memory, but I never want to forget what it feels like to hold on when you see nothing, feel nothing. I don't want to forget the pain. But more than that, I don't ever want to forget that when God does things, he goes beyond what you were even dreaming or hoping for. Amazing things happen when you just believe that God knows what he is doing and put your trust in him.

Yesterday, we went and bought a new washer and drier which will be delivered on Tuesday evening. I am pretty excited to get a bigger washer and drier for my growing family (and by growing I mean from 2 to 5 and now 6. And as the kids get bigger, the clothes get bigger, the more room needed in the washer and drier.)

On Wednesday I am heading to Galveston for a little vacation on the beach with Seth and some ladies from work.  I am kind of nervous about traveling with Seth, but I'm sure he'll do great. I am looking forward to sleeping in (which is more like going back to sleep after Seth's 7am feeding than truely sleeping in) and doing nothing much. We are going shopping some and will play some games and just generally chill.  I was telling the ladies I am honestly totally happy with just sitting around at the beach house with Seth if they want to go do something that wouldn't be so easy with Seth. It'll be nice to be away from work, but I'm sure I'll miss my husband and the rest of the kids. I really feel like I need to be there for my kids, but it is only a few days and BJ and the grandparents will do great with them.  I hope I pack everything I need for Seth and I for a few days. And if not, there is a Walmart in town and I can go grab what I need or forget.  I still need to pack. Haven't really thought about it yet.  Yeah, I always pack at least semi-last minute.

Getting Up

I know my last two posts were kinda downers. Not typical of me (or at least not in my posts lately) but it happens. I had some concerned friends who contacted me to make sure I was okay and I am. We all have our moments where we get down, but don't worry. I don't stay down for long. It isn't worth the energy, honestly. I am brutally honest on this blog and when I need to vent, I often do it here.  Not necessarily so I can get help or comments, but just because I feel better after I've processed what is going on through writing it out.  I do edit my posts when I am in a more somber or angry mood because I don't want this to turn into a place where I vent ALL the dirty laundry and in turn people get mad at me.  There are some details that are not anyone's business and I don't want this to turn into a gossip column. (Although I'd probably get more readers that way. My last post, which was relatively negative, had the most viewers of all my recent post.)

My best friend and I are starting The Battlefield of the Mind By: Joyce Meyers together with the study guide and devotional. We are both really good starters, but not so good at finishing things.  I can't tell you the number of devotionals or group Bible studies I have started and not finished. I always have the best of intentions and start out really excited and motivated, setting up a plan that gets me through the material in record time (did I mention, I am competitive?). Somewhere along the way life happens and I get behind, then I try to catch up which gets overwhelming and when I feel that I am too far behind to ever get done or meet my own standards, I quit. It's really silly how much I've let my own over-zealousness keep me from just enjoying and growing from a Bible study. Instead everything is a competition, everything has goals that are a little too lofty and in the end set myself up for failure. And I hate failure. So I choose to quit rather than face the fact I can't fulfill my own expectations. So, Shay and I are doing this together so we can 1) grow spiritually and 2) keep each other moving forward and not let each other quit. This time when I get off schedule or get behind, which I will, I am going to take my own advice. I won't quit or give up, but I'll get back up and keep going. I'll ask God to forgive me for failing and will forgive myself.

That's the hardest part.  Somehow, we hold ourselves to a higher standard than even God. He forgives us when we fail and yet we won't forgive ourselves. We think we should never mess things up and we should be perfect, that we can be perfect if we just try hard enough. And that's exactly what the devil wants us to believe. That we aren't trying hard enough. That we have a fatal flaw because we can't be perfect. So we have to learn to forgive ourselves, dust ourselves off, get back up and keep on living for Jesus. Whether it be a Bible study we can't finish or anything else God asks of us, when we fail, we have to ask God for forgiveness, believe that he has forgiven us as His word promises, forgive ourselves and get up and keep moving forward. And by the grace of God we will keep moving closer to his side. Because the devil wins when we give up. And we can't let that happen. Ever. We must always get up. Always.

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Today I am having a hard time determining if this open door is an invitation I should accept or just another temptation to ignore.  Let's just say I've been burned in the past and really don't want to go back to being the person I was back then. It wasn't pretty. And just as soon as I come to acceptance of where things are, I face another decision to go back to that or let things be. I really think I'm better off if I say no, but what if I'm missing where I am supposed to be? What if I'm missing where God wants to stretch me?

I long for friendship, but opening myself back up to the wrong person could quickly lead to disaster.  Not because of them or because of me, but because the past is hard to let go of. And I don't want to end up hurt and confused again.

So I wait and pray and hope I get some clarity. I know what I want to do impulsively, but that isn't always what is best for me.  I don't want to lose my peace by jumping into things I shouldn't be involved in.  And I don't want to ignore where God is leading either.

Loving like you'll never get hurt is hard. I want to love fully and completely, but I don't want to blindly set myself up to be broken again. So I hesitate and hold back. I guess I have some forgiveness issues to still work through. Maybe once I'm there I can make a decision. But for now, I think it's best to hold and wait.  And pray. Not necessarily for the decision to be made but for strength to forgive, to stop comparing and to be really whole again before I can move forward.

Processing My Thoughts

I have quite a few random thoughts tonight, so join in me as I process through blogging.

Today God rebuked me for giving up. There are certain things I had been praying for consistently for about 5 years and in the past few months I had kind of forgotten about those things. I guess inside I had prayed fervently for what felt like a long time, but in the end, it just felt like God was going to do what he wanted to and there were other people that could either obey God or not and I really didn't see God ever moving in certain situations. I guess you could say I gave up. And today God showed me that he is still working in that situation and I need to keep praying. 

In the past couple of weeks, our church has started a women's prayer meeting on Thursday nights at 7:30.  I really wish I could go, but I just can't right now.  (So Kim, if you are reading this, and I doubt you are, I'm really sorry I can't support you in this right now. I hope you understand.) I feel that way about a lot of things in life right now. I feel like I am stuck in mom mode.  It's okay. I know this is just a part of life right now, but it doesn't make me feel less guilty about not being able to support things I want to. I also feel the same way as I have to leave during every service as soon as worship is over (or sometimes before) to go and feed Seth.  And inevitably, while I am gone, God speaks or moves in amazing ways and I feel like I missed it. When I get back I ask BJ what happened or what God said and he can't seem to fill me in. I don't like to miss things. I know God understands where I am right now, but I really hate being the odd man out.  Case in point, I didn't even know there was women's prayer and really don't know when it even started, but just that it was on the calendar for May. Yeah, I miss a lot.  And the devil is well aware that this bothers me and so when I let him, he beats me over the head with it.  That isn't often, but I have my moments, like we all do.

For Easter, we got the kids each a new devotional book so they could do their own Bible Time and we could discuss.  They seem to really love it.  I tend to write encouraging notes in books I give my kids, especially when it has to do with my desire for them to love Jesus.  So in Daniel's I wrote something about praying that he becomes a man of God and loves Jesus more every day.  Last week he told me that every day at the beginning or end of his Bible Time, he reads that note. He says he wants to be a man of God and he is really trying to listen when God speaks to him and to make Godly decisions. He also said he wants to teach children's church some day. He's started (on a very small scale) writing out some Bible stories (to be acted out or for puppets I believe) that he can use to "teach other kids about Jesus." I love it! Let me take this moment to thank God for Tristin. He's  a little boy at our church who is Daniel's age and who really loves God and has a call on his life. He has taught Daniel that loving Jesus isn't a sissy thing. I am not discounting the great example B.J. is for Daniel, but I have prayed that God would send someone else who Daniel can relate to on a different level than a parent to a child who can re-enforce what is being taught and lived out at home and for Daniel, right now, that's Tristin.  His life shows Daniel that serving God is a good thing.  I am one proud mom, and Kim (Tristin's mom) should be too.  The world needs more boys and men who will serve God and not leave that to the women and moms of the house.

While we are bragging on Daniel (it must just be his night), he got 5 good behavior marks in a row at school last week and earned himself a Slushy. We are so proud of you. I knew you could do it! It comes so much easier for the girls, so it made it more special for Daniel that the girls each had one off day this last week and he was the only one who earned this reward. (Although Daniel would have gladly given his up so the girls could have one. He is such a sweet selfless guy. Always thinking about others.)

I had a great, but busy weekend and am trusting God for another great week. For he who promised is faithful...

Bear Each Other's Burdens

In honor of the national day of prayer, which is tomorrow, I feel the need to share with you something God has shown me in the past week or so about praying for each other.

We all know that God commands us to pray for each other, bear one another's burden.  But why? The obvious answer is that when two or three agree, God moves (Matthew 18:19). But I think there is more, or rather just a different perspective I had never thought about.

It is hard to continue praying for your loved ones or your situation when you are in the thick of it.  You can't see the forest for the trees. And often, when we are so close to a situation, our prayers get selfish.  We (or maybe it's just me) pray all sorts of solutions to God, hoping he'll pick one. We think hard and try to give God some options to choose from. (I am exaggerating a little bit for affect, but I think you get my point.)  Over time, our prayers no longer are a way to give things to God, but a way to retell the story or relive the pain, to bring up the emotions again.  There is nothing wrong with being burdened for a loved one, but when our prayers result in us picking our burdens back up and carrying them with us through our lives, it is no longer beneficial to us or our situation. Our perspective is tainted and honestly, our emotions get in the way of us hearing God clearly and being able to be led by his Spirit.

So when a brother or sister can bear our burden for us, bringing it to God, they are more free to pray God's will in the situation. They can hear God clearer and can pray according to how the Spirit is leading and not their emotions.

All that to say, yes I pray for my kids, as parents should, but my emotions can definitely get in the way of hearing what God is saying and I struggle to pray God's will instead of what I want to see happen. (Maybe I'm the only one like this.) It is much easier (and perhaps more productive spiritually) for me to either pray in the Spirit (which God tells us is praying his will in Romans 8:27) or to pray for someone else's situation and family as God leads and trust God to put my needs on someone else's heart and to take care of it completely.

I have seen God move in my life very clearly when I am able to truly lay my needs down at His feet (meaning I literally stop worrying/praying about it, trusting God to take care of it all) and pick up someone else's burden to bear. I do know that when I focus my efforts on the needs or others, there is freedom from the stress and worry of my burdens.  God honors a selfless prayer.

9 Years

B.J.,

I can't believe we've been married for 9 years and together for 13.5.  I don't really remember life without you. It has been a crazy ride and I'm so glad you've been with me through it all.  You are the most loyal selfless person I know.  I'm so glad God brought us together and that you have put up with my crazy antics.

 You are greater man than when I married you. You've always treated me well, but God has brought you closer to himself and I love watching you be used by him. It makes my heart smile.

 You are so kind and compassionate and patient with me.  You have become the leader I prayed you would be for our family.  I love to see the confidence you have gained in the past years.  I always knew you could do whatever you set your mind to, with God's help and direction, so I am thrilled you have finally stepped out and seen what God can do.

 You are such a great dad and help me so much with the kids. It is such a blessing for them to have an active dad and they can see that you care and love them.  You have changed a lot since they came into our lives, for the better.

 I love that you can be firm and in control one moment and soft and tender with them the next. I love the way you interact with the kids, especially Seth. I can see your love for them in your eyes and it melts my heart.

God has great things planned for our family and I am so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you to see what God does. I love you more than you will ever fully understand.

 ~Forever Yours                                 

                      Sandra