Moms

Daniel wrote a note to his real mom last night (by the way, I hate the term "real mom" because it assumes that I am the fake mom, and I am definitely not. But because Daniel calls her his real mom, I will refer to her as he did.)  In their Wednesday night class, they were making Mother's Day gifts and he chose to write a letter to both of his moms.  This morning he asked me to mail it. I told him I didn't have her address and didn't think that would be a good idea even if I did. And it all opened up again.

He wasn't angry like he has been in the past, but my sweet boy just doesn't understand. How can anyone really ever understand a loss so great? Especially when the whole situation is not simple or easy in any way.

I struggle some times to know what to say to them. I tell them I am sorry they couldn't be with their real parents, and I am sorry their parents didn't make good choices and I'm sorry that things are not the way they wanted them to be, or normal. But I am so glad they are our kids. And I am grateful that God had plans to make us a family. Its weird to say or think that I am some how indebted to people who made the wrong choice for their kids. Or that I am somehow happy for what happened to my kids. I am not at all and if I could I would undo it, except that the bad choices of others is the reason they are now our kids. Its just kinda weird to think about.

When my kids talk about their first family, it doesn't hurt me or make me feel threatened (and for that I give God all the glory). I try to help them understand, but it just isn't easy. But they usually feel like they hurt me. Daniel tried to fix things by saying his mom was an evil women (which I know he doesn't believe, but was just trying to say what he thought I wanted to hear.) This morning as my Daniel got out of the van to go to school he said "Mom, I love you the most and I am glad that I am here." He is such a sweet boy with such a sensitive heart.

And just to prove that point, Daniel's letter to his birth mom said that he missed her sooooo much and hoped she loved God as much as he did and read her Bible.  It is very important to him that she get the chance to become a Christian. His letter to me says he loves me and hopes God will help me.  I am always saying that God wants to help us more than we are willing to ask him for help and that he wants us to trust him and depend on him more than ourselves. I am sure that is where that came from.

I am trusting God to bring complete healing to my kiddos emotions and hearts. Until then, I will keep trying to help my kids know that above all they are loved and cherished and look to God for wisdom and guidance as we get through this together.

Remain in Him

After the great things God has been doing in my life and the lives of my kids, I feel like I am spiritually in a holding tank. A time where I need to keep going one day at a time, being faithful to God and all that he has called me to. A time of preparation and waiting. I am tired and worn and I am trying to take this time to just rest in God and regain some strength while I wait.

When we are in a waiting place, the devil tries to use that time to get in our heads and convince us that we are forgotten or that God didn't really say what we remember. So I am intentionally getting in the Word to gain my strength, to deepen my spiritual foundation in preparation for their days ahead and whatever God has for me next.

I am doing a personal study on the anointing of God. Last night, God led me to a verse that I've never noticed before and it was just the confirmation I needed for the moment.

I John 2:27-28
And for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.  And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.

A few thoughts (for me and whoever else needs to hear this):
⚫God has not taken away the calling he has given you and the anointing he has placed on you. Just because you don't see it or feel it like you once did doesn't change what God has in store. Trust him!!
⚫God teaches us about all things through his anointing. I think we can lean on others to teach us and forget that the Holy Spirit is a teacher and he shows us who God is and teaches us what we need to know according to the will of God for our lives. We need to learn to be good students and let the Holy Spirit teach us what God wants us to learn.
⚫The anointing God has given is real, the same anointing that was on Jesus to do the Father's will. (This gets me excited!!)
⚫Our job is to remain in him. Stop trying to rush things or figure it out, but just stay close to his side and let him lead us.
⚫By remaining in God, we gain confidence that we are in the center of God's will and we are not easily convinced otherwise. He is our confidence!!

So I am each day learning to remain in him and keeping my spiritual ears and eyes open for wherever God is leading so I can follow him and be right where he wants me to be.

Asking Why

I'm sure we've all done it. Asked God why we were faced with certain things in life that seem unfair. Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now?

When God gave us our kids 2 1/2 years ago I knew this would not be an easy road. They warn of the worse case scenario as you sit through all of those classes in order to get your license in order to adopt. They try to prepare you. And although our journey has been relatively easy comparatively, some days I can't help but ask God why things have to be so difficult for my kiddos.

Today we had a meeting with Haley's school about whether they would retain her in 4th grade or move her on to 5th. You may be surprised to know that I wanted her to retake 4th grade while the teachers and administrators were pushing to move her on. I really never thought I would have to fight to keep my child, who is not passing any classes, in her current grade for another year. I was really dreading the meeting. Not because I didn't already know what I felt was the best choice for her, but because I felt like I was being thrown to the wolves because I wanted my daughter to actually understand the concepts of 4th grade before she was faced with the next year. And the fact that I don't do confrontation well didn't easy my worry going in either.

So I struggled and prayed and tried to think through all of my thoughts last night (and surprisingly, I actually slept well). I prayed for favor and really was trusting God to lead my words and to let the decision be motivated by what was really best for Haley and not school funding or reputation or whatever alterior motives may have been on the table. In the end the assistant principle who initially wanted to  send Haley forward decided it would be best for them to give Haley and her to teachers another year to figure some things out and to work with her and the learning disability we only recently received diagnosis of and give her some time to mature in some other areas as well. 

I am so grateful for God's favor in this and that my girl is going to get the opportunity to strengthen her educational foundation before being promoted. I am really trusting God for a great year for her (and the other kids too) and am praying she can continue to do her best and that she can learn to trust God to help her too.

Last night as I was reading my Bible and asking God why we are going through this, he brought me to John 9:1-2. In this passage the disciples were trying to figure out why this man was born blind. They saw this as a punishment for sin and asked who was responsible. Sometimes, when our circumstances are not what we think they should be, we try to figure out what we could have done differently or what we did to deserve this. Many times we feel like we are bring punished when that just isn't the case. Jesus answered that this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. I felt God speaking that this is the case for Haley. The diagnosis, the struggle, all of it is God setting things up so he can show up in a big way in her life.  Praise God!

We don't always know the why's of life, but even when things aren't clear to us we can trust that God is faithful and he is working things out in his way and his timing and according to his perfect plan.

Open Opportunity

Today during the second service, I was worshiping and God was loving on me and honestly, I wasn't paying attention to anyone else.  And then Pastor addressed me with a few short words, "Sandra, is God speaking to you?"

For the few of you who read my blog and do not go to church with me, let me share how God has been moving at my church.  We are a Spirit-led church and by that I mean that there are times when we are worshiping or in God's presence when he speaks to different ones who obey what God says and we follow whatever God wants to do in that moment. There are a few people that God uses in this way often and who Pastor asks if God is speaking to when he doesn't have clarity from God as to where God is leading. 

Pastor asking me that certain question was confirmation in my spirit that God is moving me there. I know that God had spoken to me for the people in the past and there really hasn't been opportunity to run with what God was showing me (or God was just speaking to me for me and teaching me to hear him more clearly). Today, God had not spoken to me, so I quickly said no, but I know God will speak as long as I keep my ears open, and I know the opportunity will come again. Praise God!!

Speaking of speaking, I was able to preach at my church a few weeks ago, and really feel like I should post a link to that sermon here.

Keys to Victory

It was my first time and it takes me a little while to get into it and I start to ramble at the end, but God's Word will never return void.  I pray that God uses this for his glory. 

I shared this with a friend and her response was "Start asking God what is next." So I have been and I believe that he is moving me into a new ministry for him in the coming days.  Praise God!!

Not because of who I am, but because of who He is in me! My prayer is that God will keep leading and I'll be willing to follow, for the sake of His name and His glory!

Baptism

Shortly after the kids moved in with us, they each decided to give their hearts to God. The natural next step is baptism, but at that time they weren't allowed. Since the adoption wasn't final for at least 6 months, one of the rules is that they are not allowed to participate in any religious ceremony before the adoption is final. (I know this probably didn't really apply to our kids since the parent's rights were already terminated before we got them, but I really didn't want to take the risk and jeopardize the adoption in any way, so we chose to wait it out until the adoption was final.) Since then (almost 2 years ago) life has been busy and quite honestly I was waiting for our Pastor to have a baptism service and it just never came up.

So today, our kids were finally baptized.  During the time we have been talking to them about what baptism means since they asked Jesus into their hearts, we have gotten all kinds of responses from them.  Each of them had their share of being scared or not wanting to be in front of the people.  I really had to work on Daniel more than the girls because even though he does love God, he really gets performance anxiety when he thinks everyone is watching him. But today they woke up excited and ready to get baptized and I was grateful!

Katelynn

Daniel

Haley

I am so proud of each of them for taking this big step and they were all able to be baptized on the same day (which I think is pretty cool, even if they don't care.)

Praise God for kids who have chosen to serve him and who are taking steps to love him more each day and make a difference in the lives of those around them.

Intercessor

"Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him because he always lives to intercede for them." Hebrews 7:25

God has really exploded this verse to me in the past few days.

God is able, has the ability and power, is fully equipped and confident in his ability to save me completely. That word "save" is not just talking about salvation, but healing, deliverance, whatever I need the Great I Am to be.  His hand is not too short to reach me. He is not too busy to come through for me, but he is fully capable and willing to be there and to provide all I need.

But why? Or how?  Because Jesus is at the right hand of the throne of God making intercession for me.  The very son of God, who knows the will of the Father and who understands what I am going through (Hebrews 4:15), is interceding on my behalf before the Father.

Can you picture this?  Today, right now, Jesus is talking to God about me, asking God to give me favor, to bless my comings and my goings, to protect me and to guide me, to have his perfect will in my life, to provide his anointing and power for me as I go through my day, to use me for his glory.

Praise God!  I am so thankful that Jesus hasn't delegated this task but is personally interceding for me. And not just for me but for all who have chosen to live for him. 

Yes, life isn't fair, and yes we sometimes struggle, but we have the greatest intercessor lifting us up before the Father and he is able to save us completely!

Pushed

We like to be comfortable. In a place where everything around us is familiar and we feel like we have most things under control. We are in a ready stance for the routine of the day. We like to know what is expected of us and how to meet everyone's expectations of us.

And then we get pushed. 

And we don't like it. We resist it. We fight it.

Like this morning when we woke up to find no electricity in our home. I am just glad we are not high maintenance people.

Or like Gideon in Judges 7. (Yes, him again!) He was pushed by God to reduce his resources and then go into battle against the enemy.

We forget God is in control, even then. I would be naive to think every push in our lives was caused by God. But I do know that no matter how frazzled we get by the unexpected or uncomfortable, God isn't phased one bit.

And being pushed is not a bad thing. God can use it to remind us to trust in him and not our own strength or circumstances. 

And God is stretching us. Molding us to be exactly what he created us for. Forcing us to grow closer to him. To cling more tightly to his side. To develop our character and become more like him.

So, God, as much as I resist your pushing and pulling, please don't stop. I need a little push to remind me you are God and I am not. To force me into your will for me. Where it may be uncomfortable for a season but I will find your presence and leading like never before.