Surprised by God

As usual, there are some things that I have been praying about and just trusting and waiting to see what God was going to do. I have learned that God knows best and that it is not worth me stressing about it or carrying a burden, but rather I have learned to give it to God and just pray for his will in every part of my life. (This may make me sound like I never struggle with believing God, which is definitely not the case, but honestly, my life is very full right now, which can definitely keep me from worrying about things unnecessarily.)

So Sunday when Pastor asked me when I wanted to preach again, I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. You'd think since I was trusting God to open doors in his timing that I would have been expecting God to do just that, but God's faithfulness was way above my belief level. Not because I didn't think it would ever happen, I just wasn't expecting it so soon.

Right after I brought the message last time, I was asked when I was going to preach again. Without hesitation, I answered whenever I was asked to. And so God facilitated that for me. This time I have no idea what God wants me to speak about, so I am waiting for direction for that, but I know God always equips us to do what he has called us to do, so that doesn't worry me.

I am looking at some time at the end of June or beginning of July as far as dates, so please pray with me as I prepare for this opportunity God has given me. If any of you (that don't normally attend church with me) are interested in coming, please let me know and I will keep you in the loop as things get finalized.

Happy 18 months!

Seth had his 18 month checkup and for what I think is the first time ever, they weren't concerned about either his weight (too little) or his head (too big). He weighs 22 lb 14oz, is 30.5 inches long, and is such a sweet boy. He is wearing a size 18 months in shirts and one piece rompers and still 12 months in pants/shorts and some jammies.   Since he is so small, he usually outgrows his pants by getting too tall rather than being too big around. Last week he wore size 9 months shorts with no problem at all. He is wearing s size 4 shoe and size 3 diapers, but I am about to buy size 4 today since he is borderline with those sizes. He has a mouth full of teeth (13-15) and can eat just about anything if he will.

Dinner time is interesting because he is trying to lose his afternoon nap so he is tired and hungry and doesn't know what he wants. He is usually taking a 2 hour nap in the morning, some times longer, but once the kids are home, he is too busy to take a nap. He is still nursing when he wakes up and before bed, but I think we will lose the night time feeding this week and the morning feeding after Thursday ( when BJ and I are getting away for a few days to celebrate our 10 year anniversary ). He has been taking 3oz of milk from a bottle after he nurses most evenings, so he is definitely a growing boy.

He is sleeping like a champ. I don't really know when I started laying him down awake and he starting putting himself to sleep, but maybe about 15 months or so. If he is still hungry, he won't let me put him down without a fuss, but as long as he is full, he may fuss for a second but is fine by the time I make it to the door of his room. I am so grateful that I am finally getting a full night of sleep. I had gotten used to waking up for him, but I noticed the change when things resumed back to "normal".

Seth is getting more clingy to me, but not so bad that it isn't manageable.

He is at such a fun age. He is learning new things every day and is able to sign and talk many words. He can say mama, dada, ama (grandma), all done, more, ball, up, and bubba. He also says uh huh for yes and uh uh for no. You can tell the difference by his facial expression and animated eyebrows. He can sign all done, more, please, help, and amen. He knows what sound a cow, cat, monkey and dog says (his dog noise resembles panting more than a bark). He counts (with grunts or hums) and points to items in a group one at a time. He loves to sing and play a rhythm on anything he can turn into a drum.

I sing a round and round song I made up and he will turn in circles and make himself dizzy. He loves to wear shoes he finds lying around, which is usually mine. He loves to kick a ball around and will wait for  " ready, set, go!" and then start running. He loves to be outside and swing at grandmas or the park. He gets mad when the big kids are outside playing and he can't join them. We try to let him play outside some, but its hard since the mosquitos love him so much.

He loves to give hugs and kisses and snuggle. 

Although he is only 18 months, he has started throwing little fits. I keep reminding him that he isn't 2 yet, but it doesn't seem to matter. He has started this frown or pouting look and I can't help but laugh at him. It is so funny to me.  He can be pretty stubborn when he doesn't want to do something.

Being a mom and watching him grow up is so rewarding.  He brightens my day and helps me keep things in perspective. I see how good God is in his sweet smile every day.

Yo Yo

Emotionally I feel a little bit all over the place. After I was so glad to get things resolved about Haley, I got a phone call from her principal on Wednesday evening. She basically apologized for not being in the first meeting and wanted to meet with me and share her opinion on the whole ordeal. I knew this meant they wanted me to reconsider my decision to retain Haley and that made me mad and frustrated. Nonetheless, I decided to meet with her on Friday morning.

Without getting into too many details, she basically felt that with Haley's grades being so close to passing, and the fact that we can attribute the deficit to her learning disability, holding her back would be more detrimental than helpful to her. She shared some more information with me and some of her experiences and I really felt like she wants what is best for Haley. Some how we got on the topic of prayer and trusting God and I found out that she too is a Christian. She was in tears (as was I) and I really feel much better about the 5th grade option after the meeting.

The second meeting was much more helpful to me than the first. They shared with me how the support system/extra help for Haley will be different than it was before and really made me feel better about her going on to 5th. Since they started the new help (and since I initially told Haley that we were holding her back), Haley 's grades have improved dramatically. Those two items among other things are making me rethink what we are doing for her.

I am praying about what to do. I feel weak for even considering changing my mind, but I guess new information can change any situation. Haley has been trying to pry info out of Bj about what we are doing. I know she wants to go on to 5th and is just anxious to know one way or another. Honestly, I don't know what we will decide. Either way there is always a "what if" to think about. I am just trusting that God will give us wisdom to make the right choice for my sweet girl. I love her so much and just want to do what is best for her.

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Moms

Daniel wrote a note to his real mom last night (by the way, I hate the term "real mom" because it assumes that I am the fake mom, and I am definitely not. But because Daniel calls her his real mom, I will refer to her as he did.)  In their Wednesday night class, they were making Mother's Day gifts and he chose to write a letter to both of his moms.  This morning he asked me to mail it. I told him I didn't have her address and didn't think that would be a good idea even if I did. And it all opened up again.

He wasn't angry like he has been in the past, but my sweet boy just doesn't understand. How can anyone really ever understand a loss so great? Especially when the whole situation is not simple or easy in any way.

I struggle some times to know what to say to them. I tell them I am sorry they couldn't be with their real parents, and I am sorry their parents didn't make good choices and I'm sorry that things are not the way they wanted them to be, or normal. But I am so glad they are our kids. And I am grateful that God had plans to make us a family. Its weird to say or think that I am some how indebted to people who made the wrong choice for their kids. Or that I am somehow happy for what happened to my kids. I am not at all and if I could I would undo it, except that the bad choices of others is the reason they are now our kids. Its just kinda weird to think about.

When my kids talk about their first family, it doesn't hurt me or make me feel threatened (and for that I give God all the glory). I try to help them understand, but it just isn't easy. But they usually feel like they hurt me. Daniel tried to fix things by saying his mom was an evil women (which I know he doesn't believe, but was just trying to say what he thought I wanted to hear.) This morning as my Daniel got out of the van to go to school he said "Mom, I love you the most and I am glad that I am here." He is such a sweet boy with such a sensitive heart.

And just to prove that point, Daniel's letter to his birth mom said that he missed her sooooo much and hoped she loved God as much as he did and read her Bible.  It is very important to him that she get the chance to become a Christian. His letter to me says he loves me and hopes God will help me.  I am always saying that God wants to help us more than we are willing to ask him for help and that he wants us to trust him and depend on him more than ourselves. I am sure that is where that came from.

I am trusting God to bring complete healing to my kiddos emotions and hearts. Until then, I will keep trying to help my kids know that above all they are loved and cherished and look to God for wisdom and guidance as we get through this together.

Remain in Him

After the great things God has been doing in my life and the lives of my kids, I feel like I am spiritually in a holding tank. A time where I need to keep going one day at a time, being faithful to God and all that he has called me to. A time of preparation and waiting. I am tired and worn and I am trying to take this time to just rest in God and regain some strength while I wait.

When we are in a waiting place, the devil tries to use that time to get in our heads and convince us that we are forgotten or that God didn't really say what we remember. So I am intentionally getting in the Word to gain my strength, to deepen my spiritual foundation in preparation for their days ahead and whatever God has for me next.

I am doing a personal study on the anointing of God. Last night, God led me to a verse that I've never noticed before and it was just the confirmation I needed for the moment.

I John 2:27-28
And for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.  And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.

A few thoughts (for me and whoever else needs to hear this):
⚫God has not taken away the calling he has given you and the anointing he has placed on you. Just because you don't see it or feel it like you once did doesn't change what God has in store. Trust him!!
⚫God teaches us about all things through his anointing. I think we can lean on others to teach us and forget that the Holy Spirit is a teacher and he shows us who God is and teaches us what we need to know according to the will of God for our lives. We need to learn to be good students and let the Holy Spirit teach us what God wants us to learn.
⚫The anointing God has given is real, the same anointing that was on Jesus to do the Father's will. (This gets me excited!!)
⚫Our job is to remain in him. Stop trying to rush things or figure it out, but just stay close to his side and let him lead us.
⚫By remaining in God, we gain confidence that we are in the center of God's will and we are not easily convinced otherwise. He is our confidence!!

So I am each day learning to remain in him and keeping my spiritual ears and eyes open for wherever God is leading so I can follow him and be right where he wants me to be.

Asking Why

I'm sure we've all done it. Asked God why we were faced with certain things in life that seem unfair. Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now?

When God gave us our kids 2 1/2 years ago I knew this would not be an easy road. They warn of the worse case scenario as you sit through all of those classes in order to get your license in order to adopt. They try to prepare you. And although our journey has been relatively easy comparatively, some days I can't help but ask God why things have to be so difficult for my kiddos.

Today we had a meeting with Haley's school about whether they would retain her in 4th grade or move her on to 5th. You may be surprised to know that I wanted her to retake 4th grade while the teachers and administrators were pushing to move her on. I really never thought I would have to fight to keep my child, who is not passing any classes, in her current grade for another year. I was really dreading the meeting. Not because I didn't already know what I felt was the best choice for her, but because I felt like I was being thrown to the wolves because I wanted my daughter to actually understand the concepts of 4th grade before she was faced with the next year. And the fact that I don't do confrontation well didn't easy my worry going in either.

So I struggled and prayed and tried to think through all of my thoughts last night (and surprisingly, I actually slept well). I prayed for favor and really was trusting God to lead my words and to let the decision be motivated by what was really best for Haley and not school funding or reputation or whatever alterior motives may have been on the table. In the end the assistant principle who initially wanted to  send Haley forward decided it would be best for them to give Haley and her to teachers another year to figure some things out and to work with her and the learning disability we only recently received diagnosis of and give her some time to mature in some other areas as well. 

I am so grateful for God's favor in this and that my girl is going to get the opportunity to strengthen her educational foundation before being promoted. I am really trusting God for a great year for her (and the other kids too) and am praying she can continue to do her best and that she can learn to trust God to help her too.

Last night as I was reading my Bible and asking God why we are going through this, he brought me to John 9:1-2. In this passage the disciples were trying to figure out why this man was born blind. They saw this as a punishment for sin and asked who was responsible. Sometimes, when our circumstances are not what we think they should be, we try to figure out what we could have done differently or what we did to deserve this. Many times we feel like we are bring punished when that just isn't the case. Jesus answered that this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. I felt God speaking that this is the case for Haley. The diagnosis, the struggle, all of it is God setting things up so he can show up in a big way in her life.  Praise God!

We don't always know the why's of life, but even when things aren't clear to us we can trust that God is faithful and he is working things out in his way and his timing and according to his perfect plan.

Open Opportunity

Today during the second service, I was worshiping and God was loving on me and honestly, I wasn't paying attention to anyone else.  And then Pastor addressed me with a few short words, "Sandra, is God speaking to you?"

For the few of you who read my blog and do not go to church with me, let me share how God has been moving at my church.  We are a Spirit-led church and by that I mean that there are times when we are worshiping or in God's presence when he speaks to different ones who obey what God says and we follow whatever God wants to do in that moment. There are a few people that God uses in this way often and who Pastor asks if God is speaking to when he doesn't have clarity from God as to where God is leading. 

Pastor asking me that certain question was confirmation in my spirit that God is moving me there. I know that God had spoken to me for the people in the past and there really hasn't been opportunity to run with what God was showing me (or God was just speaking to me for me and teaching me to hear him more clearly). Today, God had not spoken to me, so I quickly said no, but I know God will speak as long as I keep my ears open, and I know the opportunity will come again. Praise God!!

Speaking of speaking, I was able to preach at my church a few weeks ago, and really feel like I should post a link to that sermon here.

Keys to Victory

It was my first time and it takes me a little while to get into it and I start to ramble at the end, but God's Word will never return void.  I pray that God uses this for his glory. 

I shared this with a friend and her response was "Start asking God what is next." So I have been and I believe that he is moving me into a new ministry for him in the coming days.  Praise God!!

Not because of who I am, but because of who He is in me! My prayer is that God will keep leading and I'll be willing to follow, for the sake of His name and His glory!