It's Just Not His Time

So we didn't get selected for the kids. And we are okay with it (not that there really is any other option. I guess we could pout and throw a fit, but that is just not us as this stage of the game.) After talking with the Mala and Heather, these particular kids were going to be a lot to handle. I know that all kids are a lot to handle, and we could have handled it I'm sure, but it just wasn't what God has for us. I think watching D & N made me stronger and there is a lot more that I can handle than what I previously thought. Certain diagnosis don't scare me like they used to. I've seen kids from tough places who have been through horrendous things and what love, prayer, consistency, and therapy can do for them. A lot. Those kids are not hopeless. I have surgery tomorrow at 10am. I am having a laparoscopy done. My doctor decided we had done all we could with clomid (without further damage to the lining of my uterus) and wants to do this surgery tomorrow. Basically they go in through a small incision with a camera and look inside my pelvis to see what is going on. He is looking for cysts, fibroids, endometriosis and anything else that may be causing problems in there. If he sees anything and he thinks removing it will further our chances for conceiving, he will remove it. I'm not sure if I want him to find something so it can be taken care of or not find anything. I guess I'd rather know something as long as it is fixable and know nothing if it is a death sentence. Am I high maintenance or what? I have never had surgery so I am a little nervous. I will be totally under, which I am totally okay with, once they get me there. It is during the "getting there" that I am trying to not freak myself out. Let me tell you that when I do get pregnant (and I will), all the things I have feared about hospitals and needles and IVs and all the other normal stuff will be a piece of cake. I guess I am getting experience I never knew I needed. :) So, yeah, I really didn't want to get to the place where we needed to do surgery to see what's going on. We have the money to pay for it all, but it isn't exactly my first choice in use of these funds. I really never thought I would be where I am, but guess what? I am so I choose to make the best of it (if that is possible when you are dealing with undiagnosed infertility issues). So if you think about it tomorrow, say a little prayer for me. For the doctors. For the discovery. For the recovery. For peace while the rain is pouring because that is exactly how I feel right now. On a side note, kinda, I read this blog today and loved how she described what God being faithful does not mean. Yep, I can totally relate to this today. I'll try to update as to what they find or don't find sometime this weekend...when I feel up to it.