Mommy

It is so surreal. I am really going to be a mommy. It really hasn't sunk in. Through this journey there have been multiple times when I would see the e-mail broadcast of kids from our adoption coordinator and wish and dream. We would submit for them and move on like we were told to do. But in the back of my mind I would plan and wish and dream and hope they would be ours. I always felt kinda foolish for all the plans I made for kids that we will never meet. I never really told anyone about my plans, but those wheels in my head were definitely turning. So I have learned to be reserved and cautious as we move forward one step at a time. I was protecting myself, or trying to. I didn't think I could endure one more let down, another disappointment. So we find ourselves in a situation where the only reason we won't get these kids is if we decide they aren't a good fit. And yet I can't go for it with total abandon, but I am hesitant to call them our kids. To say something that has the possibility (no matter how slight) of not being true. Maybe once I cry my way through their file it will be real to me. I have a list a mile long of things I'd like to get done with their rooms and other things that need to be done before they come to live with us. But I can't get in the groove to actually get anything done. Those kids deserve all of me, so please pray that I can give myself away wholeheartedly to them, for their cause. This is new territory for us and we need strength and wisdom to keep moving forward.