And We're Marching...

We just got back from a relaxing and fun vacation in Colorado. I plan to post pictures of that, but will do that in a separate post. Onto the meat of the matter. They're gone. The kids we had hopes of adopting have been placed with an uncle. Even though we only had them for 6 weekends over the past 4 months, we love them so much. And ultimately we want what is best for them. I won't debate whether this is the best option for them as it wasn't my decision to be made, and quite honestly, my opinion doesn't matter. Yes, we were crushed when we learned things were moving in this direction because we really thought they were meant to be our kids. But I have been saying from the beginning that we only want the kids God has for us and his perfect will and not what I think is the perfect option. Once again, my opinion counts for nothing because God is the one in control. We are okay, really we are. Yes I am going to miss their smiling faces and will think of and pray for them often, but it was good for us to get this experience. To realize we can handle this with God's help. I am not in over my head. And so I feel like the Israelite children, wandering in the desert, looking for the land God has promised. Learning how to trust and depend solely on God and not my experience or intuition. Learning to wait well. Learning patience and surrender. Hopefully we won't be wandering for 40 years (in a somewhat aimless direction) as the Israelites did. (ha!ha!) Looking back, I think God allowed me this time so I would have a glimmer of hope breaking through the clouds of hopelessness I have been living under. (I am not saying that all moments of my life are gloomy, but we have been in a time of waiting when there is no end in sight and it can get kinda dark under here.) I know God was giving me a smile and joy in the middle of the storm. When my sister came to visit in May, I am pretty sure it would have been totally unbearable to see her pregnant and participate in all the baby shower festivities without the distraction of my kids. So I am thankful for the experiences we shared with them and wouldn't take back a single day, even if I knew they would ultimately be placed with family and not us. So we consider them our first kids and will never forget them. I hope that we are able to somehow keep in touch with them if only through being able to send birthday cards every year. I am not sure if this is even possible or an option. I am willing to let go, but want them to know that they aren't forgotten if they ever feel like they need to be able to reach out to someone. When one door closes another one opens. Just as we were getting this devastating news, we were sent a profile of some kids we have seen before. It is the first set of siblings we applied for in November. We are submitting for them again, and keeping our eyes open to see what God has for us. And we're marching forward to God's perfect will for our family.