God Remembers

There are some things I've been asking God to do for a while so I can step into some of the things he's called me to.  I guess it's no secret that sometimes I feel trapped behind the piano during worship.  I know that God has put me there for a season.  God has increased my ability so much since I've been there, for His glory.  I truly believe he has given me a gift to be used for his purposes and it just comes so naturally.  But I have a hard time choosing between my responsibility (playing the piano and facilitating worship) and seeking to be used by God in other ways.  I know God has called me to some other things and has used me in other ways before, but I also feel that sometimes God chooses not to use me in certain ways or at certain times during the service because my leaving the piano mid-worship would hinder the flow of God's spirit more than my obedience would help it.  So I kinda feel penalized, if that makes sense. 

So today God reminded me he hasn't forgotten me and he knows how I feel and he does have plans.  So, God, I trust you to do what you promised. To raise up more piano players. To give me freedom to be used by you in anyway you desire.

On a side, but related note, I am seriously considering attending a Saturday night service at a church that is right across the street from our new house when I get a chance.  I just feel like I need to be able to go somewhere and give God the opportunity to speak clearly to me without the distractions of playing the piano and making sure my kids are doing what they should.  I don't plan on changing churches, but I've heard great things about this non-denominational church and specifically their worship, so I really want to give it and God a chance.  A sort of me and God time where no one knows me and I can just get refreshed and restored when time allows.

God is definitely up to something and I'm excited to see where he is taking me.

Perspective

The way you view the world. What is going on around you.  What is happening to you. How you feel you are being treated. How you view others. 

It is all about your perspective.  Which when it comes down to it, is a choice you make.  There are a lot of things that can and do influence your choice.  Like the perspective of those you are hanging around. And who's words you believe. And how you feel about yourself. And God. And the enemy of your soul.

The devil wants nothing more to persuade you to live defeated, like a victim of your circumstances and your past.  Because when you choose the perspective of a victim, no one can do anything right, everyone is out to get you, and you feel like you are constantly being criticized, ignored, and treated poorly. And it is difficult to get past that and see what God sees, respond like God responds and live victorious as He has called you to live.

I used to live like that.  I think it started in part because I was so critical of myself that I assumed everyone else was also picking my every action, every word apart, looking for a way to point out my failures and hurt me. Because I was  insecure and living like a victim of what people said or did or I thought they said or did.  I had to decide to get past that because it was stopping me from being able to fully commit to the work God had for me. So I chose to assume people for the most part loved me and cared about me and whatever they said or did didn't define me or control me.  Yes, I still get my feelings hurt sometimes, but by choosing to walk in forgiveness, I have found freedom. And it is the best feeling in the world. 

Since God brought me this freedom, I tend to err in that I assume others are also walking in love and forgiveness and are also free.  But there are many Christians who don't live this way.  They choose to let someone else control their freedom.  By holding someone to a standard that requires they ask for forgiveness or they suffer for hurting you, you are only hurting yourself.  I am not saying that asking for forgiveness is not a good practice to have, just that your ability to forgive someone should not depend on what they do for you, but a choice you make.  You control your own forgiveness and being able to forgive with no strings attached is the most freeing place to be.  Forgiving just like Jesus forgives us.

I am not saying this to make myself look better or more mature, but just to share my heart.  Because I believe that we can have so much more freedom if we will choose to forgive and in so doing, change our perspective from victim to victor.  I know. I have been there.  Choosing to be hurt and carry it allows the wound to fester and get infected instead of forgiving which allows for complete healing. And God is faithful to provide that wholeness if we only ask him.  We have already overcome all the devil's schemes and tactics and the hurts we will face in this life.  We don't have to live in bondage to hurt and rejection, but we can be freer than we could ever imagine.

And gain new glasses through which to view the world around us.

Prego Post #2

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 14 weeks 3 days

Size of baby: About 3 1/2 inches from head to bottom and weighs about 1.5 ounces.  The size of a lemon.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 1 pound

Maternity Clothes:I am mostly wearing normal bottoms with my belly band and some maternity shirts.  I don't really have to wear maternity shirts, but I have a lot.  Also I want to look pregnant and not just chubby and maternity shirts do the trick. And they are comfy.

Gender: Don't know yet, but I think its a girl for now anyways.  There isn't really a reason, just a feeling. Speaking of which if you want to put in your two cents about the gender, please answer the poll at the top left of the blog.  We don't have an ultrasound set up for the gender determination yet, but I'd guess that will get set up at my next appointment around 17 weeks.  I'd like to know before we leave for vacation at the end of June, but we'll see.

Movement: None yet.

Sleep: I don't sleep in well, even when I can. I am not sure if this is the pregnancy or just my body adjusting to three kiddos. I also get up about once a night to go to the bathroom. Before pregnancy I always slept through the whole night.

What I miss: My stomach feeling normal. I don't really feel sick, just different. And being able to be super woman.  I usually go all the time, but I have to take it easier and allow time for breaks since I tire easy.

Cravings: None really.  Don't have much of an appetite still.

Symptoms: Fatigue, tender breasts, get lightheaded or dizzy if I stand up too fast

Best moment this week: Got to hear the heartbeat at my last appointment on the 14th.  I am happy to be past being nauseous and to feel kinda normal mostly. I am also glad to be past the time of highest risk for miscarriage.  Ya'll this is actually happening to me and we are so grateful to God for his goodness!


I have a few more weekly pics to post but our memory card reader isn't working so I have to get my tech support (B.J) to figure it out or fix it or whatever.


I am deep in packing our house up so we can move in the next couple of weeks.  We just found out that the offer we put on a house was accepted, so we are moving forward with inspection and appraisal.


It's crazy times at our house, but I love it!  I am so excited to get everything moved and settled. God is sooo good!!

Ephesians 1:11-12

"I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong- that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."

I have been in Wisconsin for the past couple of days and it has been such a spiritually rich time. I have had the opportunity to share our story about infertility, adoption, and our new blessing on the way. I have also heard about the journey God has taken others on and the reoccurring theme has been God's faithfulness. I knew that I would run into friends from college and get to catch up but I never dreamed I would feel God's presence and love so strong throughout the entire trip. The divine appointments God has set up have been so encouraging and a constant reminder that yes, God is faithful and he has orchestrated our lives and he had planned every detail. Every struggle has been worth it just to know that we are right where God wants us to be. And God has confirmed just that time and again in this short trip. Sometimes in the busyness of life you get consumed with the day to day and don't take time to reflect on how great God has been and how he has provided and how he has shown his love over and over.

Stacy and Dan's wedding is this afternoon and I am looking forward to the ceremony which is not really traditional but is filled with God moments. Testimonies, worship songs, and God's presence from start to finish. It will be awesome and I am so glad to be a part of it.

I am so glad I made the trip up here so I could get encouraged and refreshed and ready to return to the chaos of my normal life with a fresh perspective of the goodness of God.

Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. ~Beth Moore

So this week I've started reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity.  To most people I come across as self assured and secure, and honestly, most the time I feel that way too.  But when I read this line in the book, it hit me square between the eyes.

I hate messing up. I hate failing and strive to control and make perfect everything I can in my life. But it's really all a way I coverup the parts of myself that I can't control and that I don't like. 

I hate my skin. Hate it.  Most of the time I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me, but on occasion the devil rears his ugly head and reminds me that my skin isn't like everyone else. And I get very self conscious.  Most of the time I don't even notice my skin and I think everyone around me just knows me and has forgotten it is the way it is.  And then someone tries to help and offer me a solution.  If there really was an easy solution to fix a genetic issue, don't you think I would have done it by now? It's not because I don't use a certain face wash or do or don't do a certain regiment. It is a genetic trait that was passed down to me and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

So I downplay the whole makeup and hair routine.  Because I'd rather not take the time or effort to attempt to fix something that can't be fixed.  I have never spent a lot of time getting ready.  I actually like my hair, but it's easier to say I didn't try, kept it simple, than to go to all the effort and still have people make comments and offer "helpful" tips. Over the years, I've learned it's okay to not be beautiful on the outside because I can make it up by being smart, or singing well, or being a good teacher, or being faithful. And hope no one notices the things about myself I'd rather ignore.

And here comes the perfectionist who will work so hard at all the parts of my life I can control and can fix so maybe no one will notice where I am insecure.

Sunday's sermon by DeAnn led me back to the place of insecurity and reminded me I have got to deal with this.  

So I hope I can find freedom as I read this book and let God deal with some stuff I have been avoiding for so long.  Because I am tired of being this person. And I don't have to live this way.

Morning

God met me this morning. And it was beautiful.

I cannot count the number of times I have started new resolutions to get up and spend time with God in the morning before work.  And failed. And tried. And failed. And tried. And resorted back to my end of the day devotion time.  I am a night person.  Mornings and I have never gotten along. I love my sleep. Love it. (On a side note, I know that will all change when I have this baby. I won't have a choice but to get up when the babe needs me. And I am okay with that.  Not that I have any idea what I am in store for, but I am trying to mentally prepare myself)

This morning I was rewarded for my persistence.

Since BJ and I have been splitting the teaching responsibilities for our Sunday School class I have felt spiritually dry.  I am trying to be the supportive wife and have followed his lead as we've taught about David.  It's been really good and I really believe God is using us there.  But its different for me.  Because I'm used to relying on God for my weekly lesson and have never had a topic or theme to follow apart what I feel God has given me specifically for this class.  And having to trust God week after week to give me a lesson has made me desire to spend time with God, if for their sake and nothing else.  So not having that desperation has made my devotion life dull.  Not because God has changed, but because my level of anticipation and urgency to hear from God has changed.  It's amazing the difference when we approach God with hunger and desire and when we don't.

Zephaniah 3:17 has become a favorite verse to me so this morning I decided to end my time with God by praying this scripture and God showed me some awesome things.

The Lord your God is with you

If the you've made God your Lord, he is with you so you are never alone.  No matter how much you find people who have been through what you have, somehow, we continue to convince ourselves no one has really been there and really understands.  Because our lives are all different.  For example, I don't know anyone who struggled with infertility like I did, adopted three kids, and 6 months later am expecting my 4th.  And the enemy wants us to feel alone.  I guess that's really the point, isn't it?  But God is not supervising or standing at a distance but he is with me, by my side, so I am never alone, no matter what I feel like.

He is mighty to save.

Mighty. To save you from your bondage. To save your kids no matter how far gone they seem.  It has been really hard with my kids. The first years of their lives they were not in a Christian home and they were not taught God's ways and so I feel sometimes like I am behind the game.  I try so much to show them and tell them how important it is to love God and serve him.  Some of them have made decisions to serve God. And then I see other attitudes and other things that make me wonder if they really know what all that means. I am not God, so I don't know everything that's going on, but I pray that what we are living in front of them is making a difference in their lives. And I pray for God's mercy and grace on them, should He come back before they've gotten past the anger and hurt and accepted Him.  I don't know what God sees when he sees them.  But no matter what, he is able and willing to save them and to draw them to himself and surround them in his love.  And so that is my prayer every day. God, chase them, pursue them, love them relentlessly until they get through the hurt and anger and see that your love really is worth taking down the walls.

He will take great delight in you.

I need God to see me and notice me and be proud of me.  He will not forget my faithfulness.  He sees what no one else sees. He sees my heart and my intentions and he knows my desires.  And he is proud of me.  I make him smile and bring happy tears to his eyes. He doesn't overlook me. He delights in me.  He sees the promises he has made me and he does not forget his word.  He hasn't decided I'm not good enough or I've failed too many times and he hasn't taken back his promises. He delights in me, with all of my faults and failures.

He will quiet you with his love.

He sees me when I am an emotional wreck (which is more often than usual with all these crazy hormones right now) and he just loves on me.  He sees past my failures and hugs me through my meltdowns.  His love is the only thing that brings peace and calm to my soul.  His peace passes all understanding.

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Love that verse even more and love my morning time with God.

Prego Post #1

I realize I have a ton to catch you up on since my last Wordless Wednesday post.  I don't have the brain capacity or time to get that all done in this post but I will attempt to get something on here so I have some thing to come back to in the future.

We found out we were pregnant on March 13th.  Let me back up to say that we had been trying to conceive (TTC) for 3.5 years.  During that time we did fertility treatments, tried charting and timing, and the whole "don't think about it and it will happen" method.  By the way, please don't ever tell someone who has been TTC to stop thinking about it.  It's like telling us to stop breathing.  Seriously. So not easy to do.  Last summer when I had the diagnostic laparoscopy and found out everything was perfect, I knew that it just wasn't God's time.  Let me tell you I am so thankful for a doctor who from the beginning said that God was the creator of life and when it was his time then he would allow us to conceive.  Hearing it when you are in the time of waiting isn't always encouraging and doesn't stop the disappointment, but it was a constant reminder to stop looking at how big our struggles were and start looking at how big our God is.

So on March 13th, I was 3 days late and decided to finally take a pregnancy test.  When you have taken more pregnancy tests than you can count, let me say that it takes a lot of faith to take another test.  Over the time I tried not to over think every late period and honestly didn't want to waste another test. And I had never seen a positive pregnancy test and was beginning to wonder if there really was such a thing.  But I mustered up the courage and the took the test.  I went on to go get dressed and came back to the test after the waiting time to see two pink lines.  I went in and told Bj and I don't think he believed me at first. I was still in denial probably until I got the first ultrasound at 9 weeks. I guess I have tried so hard to not get my hopes up or set myself up for disappointment and have stop letting myself hope or wish I would ever be pregnant.  Because getting your hopes and dreams crushed month after month is so hard. So Hard.  I really tried to convince myself that even if it never happened I would be okay.  I would be happy with my three beautiful children. And as much as I love my kids, I don't think I would ever feel complete, our family would ever feel complete, without this last addition.  The last promise from God for our family fulfilled.

So we decided to not tell anyone until after the first trimester.  After I survived one day at work, wanting to share my news multiple times throughout the day, barely keeping my mouth shut, I decided that would never work.  We would wait to post things publicly on facebook and the blog, but we decided to tell our families and church family so they could help us trust God for a healthy baby and pregnancy basically from the beginning.  That night at dinner we told the kids.  They were mostly excited, but there was a little bit of hesitation, as can be expected.  We told them this didn't change anything about them or how we felt about them and that we would still go through with the adoption and they would be with us the whole time and would get to help us plan for and welcome a 6th family member.  We let the kids call the grandparents and my sister.  No one believed us.  I wasn't really surprised since K had been talking about the baby in my belly since they moved in months ago.  Wednesday the word spread to church and out from there.

I was sick off and on for most of the first trimester, but have been feeling good for about 4-5 days so I think all of that morning sickness is passed.  Now my back is starting to hurt as my body is getting pushed out of its normal position and the baby is starting to make its presence known.  I am showing a little, but I can hide it if I want.  But I have decided to milk it for all its worth.  I am only doing this once and want to remember this special time in our lives.  Okay, some pics:

                                                              

9 Weeks

10 Weeks

                           

11 Weeks

12 weeks

I think I am showing a little bit, but I don't really see the change between these pics. I do know that I have started wearing maternity shirts mainly because I have so many that were given to me (thank you Shannon!) and because they are comfy.  I also have a couple belly bands which have been life savers.  My pants do not fit comfortably  but I am not in maternity yet.  So, obviously I've never done these pics before and I can't decide if i need to just wear tighter shirts for every pic or hold my shirts tighter to my body so you can see my baby bump.  Any one have an opinion?

I don't know if I've posted this or not, but I've lost 10 pounds since the kids moved in 6 months ago.  So now that I am finally over being sick, I expect to start gaining weight.  I still weigh a pound or two less than when I found out I was pregnant.  I haven't been hungry really so far. I'm sure I'll gain plenty of weight to catch up.

We don't have an adoption date, but we should have one soon.  

And we are trying to sell our house and move this summer. So we packed up some of the things in our house on Saturday, so the house would look bigger, and we got the house listed on Saturday. We have found a house we'd love to have, if we can only sell ours. And I remind myself again that God's plans are better than mine and he will take care of us as far as the house hunting is going. Even if isn't the way I hope or wish it would turn out.  It will be even better.  I am trying to pack a little every day or at least on the weekends to get some of the "extra stuff" packed so we have less to do when we actually do have to move.  I hate moving, but God it able. And the house needs to stay clean most of the time since people could some see it any day. And I've been told that I can't lift much so it sounds like I'll be mostly supervising when we actually do move. I couldn't have planned that better myself.

God is doing some interesting things with me that I hope to share later (because this post is already long enough to count for two).

And I need a new blog name, you know, since there are 6 of us now.  So if you are the creative type, let me know any ideas you may have.