Tis so Sweet

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
Yes, I've learned to trust in Jesus,
And from sin and self to cease,
Now from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest and joy and peace.

Are you taking what God is offering you?  Sometimes we'd rather get ourselves all worked up and try and make peace and joy happen in our lives instead of simply taking what Jesus has provided to us.  Because we can do better than God or maybe we are just more comfortable earning or working to make things happen in our lives than receiving a free gift. Or maybe we think once we get all of our problems settled, then we will find the joy, the peace we crave.  And we make things harder and more complex than they need to be.  Because we won't get a hold of what God is giving us and receive it into our lives. 

Receiving God's gifts comes by faith, so I know it isn't as easy as receiving a physical gift someone hands to us.  It takes practice. Trusting God is something we learn to do by practicing continual surrender. A decision to trust and not fear. A decision to put all our hope in the one whose grace is sufficient. A decision to cast our cares on him and not keep picking up the same burdens and trying to figure it all out.  Because we won't ever make it all work out.  Even as much as we want to convince ourselves we have everything under control and we can handle it.  We can't.

But God can. So we choose to let God be God in our lives knowing that he is faithful and able to do what he has promised.

Monday Morning

I woke up this morning feeling great (despite the fact I was woken up 5 times last night by various kids). My soul is energized and I feel this anticipation that I can't quite describe.  This past weekend was so good and I am just ready to take on whatever the devil throws at me this week. Oh, and he will attack. I am not stupid enough to think he is actually happy that I'm in a great mood. Quite the contrary.

God really showed up at our church services yesterday and then I was able to attend a special worship only service last night that just blessed me. I love to just rest in God's presence and soak it in, especially through worship.  So I feel refreshed and spiritually full. Not in a "I'm so stuffed I couldn't eat another bite" kind of way, but just satisfied and fulfilled.  And the residue of His presence is still with me this morning.  What a great way to start out a new week!

Yes, there are still a lot of things on my plate, as always, but I am ready to conquer.  And I just feel good. On mornings like these I really don't understand how people who don't love God make it.  Or even people who "know" God but don't have a daily relationship with him.  He is so much more than a person we honor twice a week with our church attendance. So much more.  He wants to be an active part of our daily lives and not just our 9-1-1 rescue squad. And feeling His presence, His arms around you, going through your day with you is indescribable.  He is such a personal God. Like a best friend, but closer.

This morning I was discussing yesterday's sermons with some ladies at work and was reminded how much God wants to meet with us.  We can all sit through the same sermon and hear the same words, yet God's Spirit makes that word come alive to us,  to hear things differently, as they apply to us. Or how we will receive and respond to it.  Not because he wants to make us feel guilty or ashamed, but because He loves us and wants so badly for us to be close to him.  Praise God!

I realize that His presence goes with me for a purpose. Not just so that I will feel good or have a good attitude, but so that he can use me for his glory. So open my eyes, God, to see people as you see them and lead my steps today.

Had this song on my heart this morning, and wanted to share.

Change is Work

When I was thinking this blog in my head (at least the beginning of it, which usually gets thrown around in my thoughts until I have time to actually sit down and blog, usually at night), I felt like saying change is work was kind of like stating the obvious. But then I realized that not everyone has my personality and is often resistant to change.

So, for me, change is hard work. I know that it takes 21 days to create a habit, but for me it takes much longer than that to break a old habit or schedule in order for my mind to give mental consideration to a new method of living or doing something.  Because I am definitely not one who thrives on the spontaneous.  In my life in general, my theory is if it isn't broke, don't fix it.  That isn't always true, as is evidenced by my recent adventures in life, you know 0-4 kids in 13 months.  I guess going into the adoption thing was kind of a change due to something being broke and my search for a solution, but was mostly just a step of obedience as we followed God.  But even in that, I really wasn't seeking out change, but rather seeking out God, if that makes sense.

All that to say, being a parent has made me become more flexible and more easy going because I have realized there are many things about my kids that I cannot control. As much as I want to pray them into submission or try to reason with them to see things my way, ultimately, they have the decision as to what they are going to do in any given situation.

So this week of trying to rest in God and live in his peace, has been hard work for me. It's not a natural thing for me. Pastor was saying last Sunday how God told him "Jim, chill out!"  It sounds so simple, but "chilling out" is not what I do well. At all.  But none the less, I am learning and making myself chill out, even if it is very uncomfortable for me.  So I am exhausted from resting, if that makes any sense at all.  It's kind of like an introvert is exhausted from being around people and an extravert feels the same from being alone.  "Chilling Out" takes every ounce of energy I have.  I hope over time this won't be so strenuous for me, but it may just be a struggle I have to face day after day in order for God to have complete control. Kinda of like the thorn in the flesh that Paul talked about in II Corinthians 12:7. Of course that passage ends with one of my favorite verses:

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 I have to daily repeat to myself, "Your grace is sufficient...for when I am weak, then I am strong." I don't like not being able to do everything. I am sure I am not the only woman in the world who tries to be superhuman, juggling everything between kids, and work, and church, and husband. Yes, there are certain things my kids are not involved with in order to ease my load. I am that mom whose kids' "extracurricular" activity is church and that's it.  All that to say, I must die daily and I must tell God daily I can't in order that he can in me. And in order that I convince myself to surrender totally.  Yeah, there are a lot of things I tell God out of my head knowledge that I should feel and should understand deep inside, but I am just not there yet.  So I say the right words, praying that one day it will sink in and I will realize I can't and I will let go completely. 

Ok, I realize I am starting to ramble and these last few posts are all running together. I guess it just feels good to me to get it all out "on paper" so to speak even if I am redundant and boring you all.  It's just where I am struggling/growing right now and what I have to work through.

And in my mind I always come back to "And God is faithful.  He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also provide a way of escape so that you can stand up under it." I Corinthians 10:13

So I trust him, to provide strength to endure this struggle and strength to come through changed, by his grace and mercy.

Update

So tonight I was sitting on the couch next to BJ and I had an epiphany. I asked BJ why it was that my husband designs/creates these great websites and I have a blog that looks so generic. He said because I never asked him to. So I am excited to announce that after BJ gets caught up on websites he's designing/creating for people who are actually paying him, my blog will be getting an update. I am so excited!!  And about that time (or maybe before) we should be getting our new family pictures back so I'll be able to add a new picture with all 6 of us. I know that no one else really cares about this, but I am pretty stoked!

Speaking of family pictures, this past weekend we had family pictures done and I am so excited to get them back. I really think they are going to be great! Andi did our pictures previously a few months after we became a family of 5 and was able to do our pictures again now that we have grown to 6 strong.  We love her! She is so good with the kids and really has great vision! And getting together with her is like seeing an old friend.  She adopted an infant almost 5 years ago and I originally found her because she used to work at one of the radio stations I listened to and I followed her story via the website for the radio station.  She is such a sweet spirit and I just can't say enough good things about her.  So if you are looking for a photographer, please give her a call or shoot her a facebook message.

This week has really been good for me, praise God!  In the past few weeks, God just keeps speaking to me that I need to not let myself get so frustrated and stressed with the details of life and just let God be my peace and learn to rest in him.  So this week I have been very intentional about this.  I have been able to slow myself down, with God's help of course, and say a quick prayer or take a deep breath when I feel myself getting frustrated. I have also had to apologize when I've been short with my kids and husband and been able to do a lot of "redos."  I think it is so important to let yourself mess things up and apologize, not just for my own good, but also for the sake of my kids.  They need to see that I too have to work on things and I have to apologize and I have to depend on God too, for strength.  I have also tried to gripe less and be more compassionate and helpful, especially toward my kids. This is where a lot of apologizing has come in. I have spent the few minutes on the way to school praying out loud in the car for the kids and their days and I think it has really made a difference, at least for me and my days, and hopefully for them too. It is definitely a work in progress, but I really think that God is changing me in these ways.  God knows exactly what I need so I need to just keep seeking him and his ways and I will see God's word fulfilled in my life.

Monday morning Daniel was singing "All the chains are broken" from the worship song On My Lips which totally set my mood for the day. I had the song replaying again and again all day in my head and I really started to think about some of the words to the verse.

All the chains are broken. I have been set free.
Every word you've spoken is watching over me.
So how can I stay silent when I hear you call my name.
Living in your presence I'll never be the same.

This brought me to Jeremiah 1:12 "I am alert and active, watching over My word to perform it." Because God doesn't forget what he promises, there is freedom in letting God be God.  I don't have to force doors open or make God's word be fulfilled in me but I can rest in knowing God is watching over his word for me in my life.  And because of that, when God speaks I will not be silent, but will quickly obey, knowing he is working in me, growing me toward the fulfillment of his word in my life. Exciting times are coming as we stay close to God and allow ourselves to rest in him and let God be God in us!

Like Water Off a Ducks Back

We've all been in situations where words were spoken that were hurtful or when words weren't spoken that needed to be and the end result was hurt. We've actually all probably been on both the giving and receiving end of those words, if we want to be honest.  In life, those situations are really inevitable and it is up to us to determine how we will respond.

Often times we hold onto those words (or lack there of), allowing them to dig a hole so deep in our souls that we can never recover from it.  We wait for closure. For some type of apology or resolution to the situation at hand, hoping that when we get that, we will be able to move on from the situation and move forward.

In the past year I have been in a couple of falling outs and have learned by experience, that I can't afford to wait for closure in a hurtful situation before I allow myself to move on. Time makes the wounds deeper and harder to recover from, so the sooner I can forgive, the better I will be and the quicker I will be able to be whole again.  My ability to forgive does not depend on someone asking for or deserving my forgiveness, or even realizing and admitting that they have hurt me. There have been times where I was rejected and really still have no clue as to what I did or didn't do, but that doesn't matter. I have chosen to forgive and move on. And that's what we have to do. They don't have to deserve or earn our forgiveness for us to choose to forgive and move on. And be okay with never having a resolution or a solution to the conflict and never fully understanding what happened or why. We forgive for our own sake, not for them. Because if we don't, we are the ones who continue to re-live the hurt and can't move on.

There are relationships that I was so sad to see dwindle to nothing, almost over night. There was times that I missed those people and really felt lonely without them. But I have turned that all over to God and been able to truly forgive them and myself for whatever ended the relationships.  Only when we forgive completely are we able to get past the hurt enough to see what God was doing. I have since realized that such relationships weren't good for me. They encouraged bad habits of mine like comparing myself to others, and working for the approval of men rather than God, and being critical of others. Without those relationships, I am able to stop those habits and focus more on what God is leading me to do and what he is speaking to me.

So I've learned to let those words and hurtful actions roll off my back and not hold to them so tightly, waiting for my rightful revenge.  Not that words don't hurt, because they do. But they don't cripple me any more or cause unnecessary stress in my life.  Because I've learned to forgive and let go, knowing that God knows what he is doing and if he wants to restore those relationships, he is able. Knowing that I can be free from the unforgiveness and hurt without their approval or apology.

Colossians 3:12-14

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Self Sabotage

I really want God to use me and I want him to feel like he can trust me to obey him when he speaks to me. But I struggle. Often.

I have a tendency to over-think things. (I know you are totally shocked!) My Type A personality wants everything to be perfect and so I take my time in the planning stages of my life and hesitate to take action.  This is especially true when I hear God speak. Because I want his perfect timing. And because I take my responsibilities seriously (maybe too seriously at times.) Usually when God wants me to pray for someone during a church services I am either playing the piano or making sure my kids aren't being a distraction. So I basically talk myself out of obeying by justifying the importance of what I am currently preoccupied with over obeying God. It's really a bad habit I have gotten into. I keep telling myself I just need to obey God before I have a chance to think about it because I can talk myself out of doing anything. But I can't seem to get myself to take action.

And I beg and plead with God to use me and then wonder why he doesn't. Well, duh! He's trying to use me and I won't budge. So I guess I am sabotaging my own blessing and making it hard for God to use me and grow me like he wants to.  I guess I am my own worst enemy.

So today I choose to change that. God, do you hear me? I won't say no again, really. Please try to use me again. I will obey because I love you and I want what you have for me. Really I do.

Happy 5 Months, Seth!

 You turned 5 months old on April 14th and I can hardly believe it.  You are in mostly size 3-6 months clothes, but I am definitely getting my use out of your pajamas that are 0-3 months until you absolutely won't fit them any more. You are in a size 2 diaper and graduated to that size shortly after you turned 4 months old.

 We have started you eating some baby food. So far you have only tried carrots, but squash is made and ready for you once you finish your carrots up.  I think you like the taste but still aren't quite used to the texture.  You make this funny face before you even get the food to your mouth and it always makes me smile. You are moving your tongue around a lot more in your mouth, so your "talking" is changing fast.

 You are drinking 3, 5 ounce bottles of breast milk during the day and feeding three to four times while I am home in the evening until the morning. You are so efficient and are done eating in 7-8 minutes usually. Sometimes you eat longer, but I think its mostly because you love being with your momma.  You are at your funnest stage yet.  You constantly take your pacifier in and out and love to give smiles.  Nana is trying to get you to wave when I leave in the morning, but you are more interested in playing with her moving fingers. You are really close to sitting up by yourself and are the most happy when you are laying in the middle of the floor with the action all around you.

 

We tried your baby carrier again and you like it much better than you did when I first tried it. You love your daddy and he always works to make you laugh and smile at him. But when you want momma, you want momma and no one or nothing else will do. I guess I've spoiled you a little bit. As soon as I walk in the door from work, and take you from Dad, you go from hysterical crying to content and happy. You definitely know how to work the tears on me.  You love to sit near me, or in my lap when I play the piano and sing. I secretly think you are going to be the musician of the bunch. You shake your head no and think you are so funny, especially when I try to get you to nod yes.

The doctor is finally happy with your weight gain, so we are not planning on going to any more weight checks (even if the doctor wants to see you) because I am happy with your eating  and you seem to be doing fine. People see you and say you are chunky, and I love it. You get so many compliments on your big blue eyes.

We love you so much and are so glad God gave you to us, sweet boy.

Love - Mommy and Daddy

Control

-the feeling of being in charge

-the thought that what I do can determine the outcome or at least increase the possibility that the outcome will be what I want it to be

-being able to accomplish what I want by sheer determination

Yeah, I know I feel like this is the same story, second verse (or maybe third or fourth) that I have shared from my heart before, but God has brought me back to this. 

For whatever reason I am hard headed and God has to keep working with me on the same things over and over again until I finally get it.  I was so naive to think that once I "let go" and God provided me with a beautiful family and even a biological child of my own, that for at least some time period, I would get a break from the time of testing and waiting and learning to give up control. But I am finding God doesn't want me to give up control for a season or a period or even until a certain promise is fulfilled in me, but every moment, every day.

Ugh.

I really want to give up control of the details of my life to the One who can handle and perfect the details according to his plan. But I always have to put my two cents in. As if God needs my help.

I have moments where I feel like I am doing pretty good being flexible and allowing God to mess up my plans, and then I feel totally stressed because of the lack of control I have. This giving up control thing is such a growing, struggling journey for me.

I trust God completely. Really I do. At least on paper. I have learned that God is faithful and that he knows what he's doing so I can trust him to do what is best for me. But that doesn't help me in my logical mind that wants to have answers and make sense of things or my emotions that are just crazy right now. (Chalk some of that up to hormones, but still.)

So this is all coming up again right now because I am leading worship on Sunday. And I really don't feel good about it. Usually by now I have a good list of the songs I want to do and I've practiced them quite a bit and have a flow going. But this time I feel a little lost. Maybe because that's God's plan. To make me depend on him more. Or maybe because I am just getting off of my first tax season with a new baby at home and I am just exhausted. Or maybe I'm just letting the devil get in my head too much.  So I just have to keep trusting God and letting him lead me between now and Sunday.

So if you think about it between now and Sunday, say a prayer for me. Because I really do want to follow God's leading for Sunday's songs and I really do want God to move and use me for his glory. And I'd prefer not going into Sunday feeling so defeated and lost.

Learning to lean
Learning to lean,
I'm learning to lean on Jesus
Finding more power than I've ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus.